I held Sheldon in my arms, rocking him back and forth, his body wringing in my arms, refusing to go to sleep or quiet down.

He disliked what was happening around him; the crowd, and the many loud noises that were ruining himself to listen to himself and my pleading.

I rushed myself into a random building, not considering the name nor where I was, but I need to hush Sheldon down, and had to change his diapers, fast. I could smell the stench from a yard away, and considering the fact that I was holding him in my arms, didn't help in any shape nor form.

"Uhm excuse me," I stopped the woman hastily walking out, "Where can I find a bathroom? It's an emergency and I…" Sheldon cried out loud, and I wrapped him in the crook of my neck, patting his back, "Is there...?"

"Oh I'm so sorry. Of course! Straight down the hall, take a right, and the first door to your right would be the stalls." She smiled, and I felt a bit of calmness in my chest, "Thank you. Thank you." I nodded my head in such hurry and glad that she could help me out.

I fixed the diaper bag on my shoulder, slewing some comforting words into his ear, picking up my pace.

As I walked down the hall, I began to notice what a huge building this was. It was large, and this hall seemed as if it never would end. Goddamnit, where is the bathroom?

I started to run, bouncing Sheldon in my hands, "Were almost there baby, you'll be fine, I promise you that. Just don't cry for mommy for a while, please baby…."

I sighed as I spotted the women's sign to the bathroom, slamming the door open, pulling down the changing table, settling Sheldon as his face was a plum red and I felt guilty, a huge load of it, as I noticed how much he truly cried.

What a bad mother I was.

"I'm so sorry baby." And I began to weep myself, the frustration of the day getting to me at once. Even as I drooped my shoulders down, I realized how I could have changed today and left Sheldon with his aunt. This never would have happened.

"I'm stupid, I'm so stupid." I began to yell at myself, tearing away his diaper, throwing it in the trash can beside me, hurrying myself as I wiped his butt cheeks clean with the wet Kleenex, pushing the new diaper up his legs, pasting the edges in concluding the change.

But he still continued to cry.

"Are you hungry baby? Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?" He sobbed harder, and I felt myself crush.

Without thinking twice, I scurried through the bag, picking out a container of milk, cold milk.

Shit.

I picked him in my arms, grabbing the bag as is, closing the stall as I walked in, sitting on top of the toilet seat. I shushed him in my arms, and settled the bag on my thighs, lifting my shirt up, and pulled my bra down, thanking god that it was easy and not usually hard like it could be.

I placed his wobbling mouth onto my breast, and then the cold rush that effaced my face made me feel like a bitter woman.

I didn't give myself much liquids to supply any milk for Sheldon.

I am a terrible mother.

I pulled down my shirt, as well as my bra, lifting the bag on my shoulder, and rushing out to the sink, turning on the switch to wash my hands cleansily, as well as Sheldon's, pulling out the hand sanitizer.

My hands rushed to squeeze some onto my hand as well as his. As some squirted out, I rubbed it against my palms as well as Sheldon's, tossing the bottle into my bag, rejecting the idea of zipping up the bag.

"Sharpay?" I tilted my head towards the voice, and then a hole fell in the pit of my stomach, "Oh Sharpay!" It was Troy's mother.

I tightened my grasp across Sheldon, who seized to be held, and I couldn't take it anymore, "Sheldon, be quiet for mommy, now." I sternly said, and his sobs turned into wheezing coughs.

"Oh god Sheldon." I mumbled, patting his back once again, stuffing my hands into the bag to pull out a water bottle, opening the lid to pour some in Sheldon's mouth, "Drink it baby…" I soothed, "That's it." I felt calmness as he began to stop coughing, simply setting his head on my shoulder without no hesitant.

"Oh my god! That's such a cute little boy you have there!" She gleamed, "Gabriella told me this about a year ago, that you were pregnant…and I couldn't believe it but oh my god, that's wonderful Sharpay."

"Gabriella?" I asked, "Yes. Yes, Gabriella."

"They're still together?" Her smile faltered, turning into a frown, "Of course Sharpay, why wouldn't they be?" I saw the concern in her eyes, and I knew I wasn't the right person to rat her out, nor him.

"I mean, high school sweethearts, that rarely happens –you know, I didn't think they would stick together. Not as if I don't want them together it's just…" She wasn't fully convinced, "Yes, but you did stay over then, didn't Troy tell you that they were married?"

"I guess that slipped his mind. He should be more informative." I shrugged my shoulders, "That doesn't seem like him…Troy really doesn't know what to say or what to do. Can't do the right thing, that's Troy, hmm? I mean just yesterday, it seems like he was the same little boy that would be interested in trading cards and playing with car toys, and chewing gum constantly, where did the time go?" She asked me as if I knew the answer.

"Mhm." I mumbled, "So Sheldon is this cute little bugger's name?" She cooed, coming closer towards me, and instantly, I knew that this wasn't the way I wanted to introduce Sheldon to his grandmother that he thought never existed.

"Awe, he is so adorable." She grabbed him out of my hands, "When was he born?" I felt my heart torn as he was in her arms…everything was going wrong. So wrong.

I watched as he actually played in her arms, wrapping a lock of her hair onto his finger, crushing my spirits.

"Sharpay?" I shook my head, "Around May, the 21st."

"Oh. Mustn't be easy, being a single mom and all." I knew she would tell Troy this, the meeting, and he would get all this satisfaction, and I didn't want him to achieve any.

"Actually, his father is in his life now." I lied, but it wasn't a complete lie. He did try to call and I did reject every one of his calls. But how did she know if Sheldon's dad was ever there? Oh, the whole in-laws don't have any sort of secrets. Wonderful.

"The bastard shouldn't have left in the first place. I don't know how you could have allowed him back in, I would have—" She stopped herself from continuing, and I smiled at the irony. Her son was the father, and she was allowing herself to show some vulgar words, but she would've stopped if she knew who she was talking about.

"But then he left," I wasn't lying again. He promised that he would leave her and come to me, but I was the stupid victim who chose to believe him, "I met a new guy, and he's wonderful to Sheldon, really wonderful." Lies, lies, lies.

"This must be so hard on you Sharpay." I heard the sadness in her voice, and I didn't understand why she had any sort of worry for me.

I looked away, "I have to try for him," I flatly said, "He's all I've got."

"Oh honey, this isn't fair at all for you," She wrapped a secure arm around me, "Come on. I think both of you are very hungry."

I went to refuse, "Don't. I saw everything that I needed to see. Let's go." I followed because I had to do this for Sheldon.

"Vivviane—is it okay if I call you that?" She began to laugh, going through the small locks in Sheldon's hair, "Of course."

"Is there a microwave here or something, I need to warm up some milk for him….he needs the milk…."

"Don't be so shy around me. You practically grew with Troy, and I've known you since you were in diapers. There's actually a party that were catering upstairs, so I'm sure I can get some milk from the kitchen for Sheldon."

"Thank you." We went inside the elevator, up 2 floors, and I was welcomed into an elegant environment.

God I did not miss this.

Vivviane looked around, clicking her teeth when she spotted what she wanted to see, "I'll be right back," She handed Sheldon, whom I took quickly, "Give me the milk bottle or bottles."

I went to look through the bag, holding Sheldon in one hand and using the other, to find only two.

I was a horrible mother.

I gave her what I could and I refused to look at her, because I didn't want her to see how careless I was when it came to my own son.

She walked away, and that's when I began to really look around.

There were flower bouquets everywhere, crystal chandeliers, with center pieces, wine and champagne were served at a nearby counter, and the whole party was at the center, men in tuxes and women in exorbitant dresses.

I hoped I wasn't serving parties like this back then because I was wasting money every minute that passed. Money for parties that were unnecessary.

"Mama." Sheldon slapped my neck, and I winced, "Ouch." I flinched, staring at him, "Mama." He repeated, and I kissed the tip of his nose, taking the sight of his cherubic face.

"You're so cute, do you know that? You're so cute." I blubbered into his stomach, doing so a couple of times, "You're so cute that I could eat you up, do you know that?" He began to giggle, placing his fist into his mouth. He wouldn't be able to do that in a couple of years.

"I wuv you, I wuv you so much buddy. Mommy wuvs you, she loves you so much." I gleamed, kissing his soft cheek, "And mommy is sorry for how stupid she was today. She promises that she wouldn't do that again, OK? Mommy promises."

Sheldon placed his palm on my forehead, pulling a string of my hair, and I let him play around.

Vivviane was walking out of the back door, walking towards me with more bottles than I handed her, "You shouldn't have…"

"Never leave a baby hungry, it turns nasty later on." She smiled, slipping some bottles in my bag, "I could pay you back for his, how much was it—"

"Sharpay, this was out of love for this child and you. We are practically family, never say something like that." Her eyes were filled with worry, her lips pressed tightly against each other.

Vivviane gave me a quick and thoughtful glance, then reached forward for Sheldon who obliged and lovingly caressed in her arms, "Here, let me do this. Why don't you go look around?"

"Oh it's okay, I can do this." I insisted, reaching forward to grab Sheldon, "Please Sharpay. Plus I want to carry the little guy. I don't have a grandchild of my own and it's been such a long time since I've held a little kid…" She tossed Sheldon up and down, which caused him to gurgle.

I frowned as spit drooled down his mouth, pulling out a tissue to wipe it off, "If he's being any trouble, any trouble at all, you can—"

"Nonsense. Now come on, let's go look around." She nudged me forward, and I kept myself behind her, keeping eye contact with Sheldon, so he wouldn't think I wasn't there.

"What's the party for Vivviane?" I asked, winking at Sheldon who clapped his hands sloppily at me, "It's a baby shower." I wouldn't think that, hell, that would be the last thing on my mind.

"Oh yeah? Well it's a fancy one." I pointed out the obvious, "I just thought I should decorate this party differently, make it a shower that can be written down in the book of the best and the best only."

"It definitely is going to be," I laughed, "Whose it for?"

"Oh god I'm so stupid, it's for Gabriella." I nodded my head, and then halted on the floor. My breath caught in my throat.

"Honey, are you okay?" My hand began to twitch, as did the other one, my head swiveling, "Sharpay, what's going on?" Her voice raised, alarmed. Vivviane placed her hand on my shoulder, and I began to tremble, deeply and terribly.

I was having an anxiety attack.

I rushed past her, and out the door, finding a small bench to sit down on, tearing the capsule's lid off, and slipping a pill into my mouth, forgetting liquid.

I placed my head into my knees, and rocked myself back and forth, for some comfort, and to let the pill settle into my body, which can slow down the anxiety.

I began to huff louder, and then wiped my eyes of the tears that I didn't notice.

It didn't take a while to notice that Vivviane was standing in front of me, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…."

Sheldon wobbled himself in front of me, trying to hold himself up as he held onto my thigh, "You have nothing to be sorry about Sharpay."

"I don't have many attacks—the last time was a couple of months ago, they aren't that frequent, I don't know what happened…everything just got to me."

"Ever since I first saw how exhausted you were in the bathroom, I knew something was wrong, but I wouldn't even think about panic attacks…is there anything I can do to help?"

I barely chuckled, picking Sheldon up who curled into my chest immediately, "Thanks for the milk Vivviane." I stood up.

"What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?"

"I should get going. I need to get back to the hotel, and then check out, catch my plane tomorrow…"

"Well since you're ride is back tomorrow, why don't you stay the night? We've got tons of guest rooms, and tonight's dinner is at the Lobster, so Sheldon can have their famous macaroni," She turned her attention to Sheldon, "You like macaroni don't you?" She coeed.

"He's lactose and tolerant." I replied, bouncing him as he played with the chain around my neck, my nerves cooling down, "Well there are many types of food to eat. And I don't want to hear it Sharpay, you're staying and that's it."

"Maybe next time. I really should get going." I took a step back, "Please, I insist. It's the least you can do for me. It's been such a long time and I really would like you to stay. Please."

I hesitated, and then I knew what this could do to me.

"I have to go." Vivviane sighed, looking around herself, and then pointed her finger at me, "I'll be right back, just stay right here."

I crunched my brow, "I'll be right back….just stay right here…" Confused, I nodded my head, whatever it took for myself to get out of here faster.

"Macawoni?" Sheldon asked, tilting his head to meet mine, "Yeah, baby…macaroni, but you don't like cheese remember?"

"Yesh." He gleamed, lifting his finger to shove it in my mouth, "No, Sheldon no. That's not nice. You can't do that."

I faced the door, a couple of voices being heard, and one of them was loud, "I don't know what you're doing, what's so important to see out here, I mean come on mom, you can't obviously think that a hallway is more special than a—" Troy stopped himself from taking further, his head turned to look at me.

I pressed myself against the wall, hiding Sheldon's head into my shoulder, giving him some air to breathe.

This was not happening.

"See! I told you that there was someone special here!" Vivviane smiled, "Don't be rude, say hello." Troy wavered his eyes over me, and then laid his eyes upon Sheldon, which caught me to tighten my grasp on Sheldon.

"Hey." He forced himself to say, and I shuddered.

"Hi," I replied, looking back and forth, "I guess I should get going." I took a couple more steps back, "Oh Troy! That's why I brought him here, tell her to stay. It wouldn't be nice if she left, tell her, tell her."

"Stay." I shook my head, casually, "I can't."

Vivviane went on to rant, but then heard her name being called, "I'll be right back. Troy, make sure you persuade her." She ordered and then left, and it was only two of us.

I was afraid of this moment, for such a long amount of time.

"How have you been?" He had the nerve to ask me. I mean, what could he possibly expect, fine? Or, 'I've been great actually, oh and by the way, you abandoned me and my son and you didn't try hard enough.'

"I don't know," I mumbled, Sheldon began forcing himself to get out of my grasp, "Quiet down…." I mumbled.

Troy placed a finger to his temple, his nose scrunching up, and I saw him choking into fits, his body reaching forward to sit down. His body trembled, as he buried his face in his palms, and I didn't know what to do.

"How have you been?" I asked, not knowing what else to do or say, "Splendid." He snorted, wiping away the water from his eyes, "I mean, something of that sort."

"Yeah..." Well you knocked up Gabriella, how could you not be mortified? –I mean splendid.

He waited to say something but held it back in. I watched as he fought with himself, and when he finally looked like he was going to give up and wait for me to say something, he stood up abruptly, "I'm scared."

"I was scared too." I admitted, "No…no I'm scared that I can't fix this. That I can't fix you."

"Troy I'm not gonna shatter if you leave once more, I am capable of taking care of myself," I assured him, more like I assured myself, "Look, I don't know why you're—"

"She knows." He blurted, his face breaking into small blurbs of tears, but he held himself together.

I was afraid to ask, but he continued anyways, "I told her, and she—she fell apart. She tried to kill herself," he choked, "And I thought it was too late for me to make things up to you that maybe I should help Gabriella out before I fuck things up even more."

Wow.

No, wow does not even fit how I felt at that moment. More of the lines of, 'OK?' or, 'Jesus f-in Christ'.

"I thought about you, day and night, and I felt the pain inside of you, I felt how it was to be away from someone you love, and now I see why you gave me so many chances, why you loved me, why I was worth it, and then I got scared."

I looked down, "The more I realized how much I needed you, the more real it became and I couldn't get a grasp on you. I know you deserve better, and I was being selfish when I was waiting here, for you, thinking stupidly that you would come back and beg for me—but…"

"I need to beg for you. I need you. And that scares me," he licked his lips, "I can't breathe without being near you. Everytime I don't see you, my heart bursts into flames, and I can't keep myself in control any—anymo—anymore!" He let the tears fall.

First, I tried to pick up my jaw off the floor, and press my lips together, but then I forced myself to not reach over and be stupid, again.

When I knew nothing could happen, I let Sheldon down, but kept him in an arm's length, giving him a stern look before stepping in front of Troy, staring at his disoriented figure.

"Pleas get up Troy," I ordered, "Get up Troy." I tried once again.

He shook his head, sniffing repeatedly, "I don't have time for this Troy, nor do you."

Troy still sat there, "Don't just sit there and cry. Please don't do that, you have nothing to cry about…"

"I know what you're thinking." Was all he said.

"And what's that?" I asked, crossing both my arms.

"That I couldn't do anything right…" I sat beside him, contemplating on whether I should comfort him or not. He doesn't deserve this. No he does.

But look at him. He didn't need this. No matter how hurt I am, he's allowed to feel free. I couldn't be the one to occupy his space.

"Troy." I resisted, placing both my hands on my lap, keeping a keen eye on Sheldon who was circling, "It makes a difference. How you feel changes everything." I calmly tried, but felt sick to my stomach.

He tilted his head, and I saw the wetness on his cheeks, his face turned into a plum red, "You don't have to sit there and bury all this regret and pain you feel. Just let it out and give me a reason why Troy. That's all I'm asking for, a reason."

"I told you why," He answered, "I said that I should be there for the child and you, that's what I tried to do," he continued, wiping away the clamping tears, "But I did it with Gabriella. I don't know why!" He sobbed, and I saw his jaw tighten, his fists went to clench.

"I don't know why Sharpay. It was supposed to be you. It was always supposed to be you."

"Sometimes, it takes us a while to realize that when you feel like you're meant to be with someone, in the end, it doesn't always end up the way we want things to." I consulted, my lips trying to smile at least for him. I didn't know why, but I knew he didn't deserve this.

I did.

I was the foolish one, the one who was stupid enough to trust Troy, but Sheldon was never a regret. Troy—I owed him as much as he gave me—my baby boy.

"I knew what I wanted." He breathed, looking ahead, at the wall.

"I wanted you," Troy faced Sheldon, laughing glumly, "He looks wonderful." Troy sniffed.

"Yeah. He does." I agreed, "How old is he?"

"One. He's one Troy." Troy stood up, "Is it—is it okay, if I could, can I hold him?"

"I don't think that's a good idea." I stood up as well, hesitating at what he was asking for, "Just once. I'm not asking for much, am I?" Yes, yes you are.

He reached forward, and I winced, biting the edge of my lip, "Be—be careful." The concern was towards Sheldon, and I wondered how he would react to someone new.

Troy dropped onto his knee, stopping him from circling, "Hey buddy." Then his arms went forward, under Sheldon's pits, carefully as well as slowly, he picked him up, with no fuss.

"How are you doing?" He cooed, placing him on his side, standing up casually, "What's your name?" Wanted to start conversation, hmm.

"Shuldun." He replied, and showed all his attention to Troy. Oh god, he was having some bonding moment with his son. Troy and Sheldon, "Yeah, Sheldon? Sheldon?" Troy went through the small amount of hair on his head, then laid his head on Sheldon's shoulder.

Oh no.

"Troy." I warned, and he realized the emotion in my voice, pulling back slowly, "I think that's enough Troy."

He turned to look at me, and he looked crushed, "You're mommy is not so nice."

Sheldon nodded, 'tsking' at me, and I rolled my eyes at how naïve he was, "Would you like to have some ice-cream bud?"

"Ise-crim?" He repeated, "Yeah, there's chocolate, and vanilla, and mixed! Do you like mixed?"

"Mama?" He raised his brow, pouting, "Lets huv sum ise-crim." He insisted, and I felt a huge burden on my shoulders. If I refused him, it just proves how bad of a mother I was, but if I go back in there…I can't take that risk.

"We have to go bud." I reached forward, grabbing him out of Troy's arms, Troy holding a fight for a while, "Sharpay, you can't do this."

"You are in no state to tell me what I can and cannot do." I stated in truth, but in no way to yell at him.

"Taking him away does not erase the fact that he's my son and I have every right to spend some time with him. Even if it is for a while, and even if it has to be—," Troy placed a firm hand on my shoulder, "Mummy you're hurting mwe!"

I murmured a quick 'sorry' at Sheldon, "Even if it has to be secretive," I sighed loudly, shifting around, "Please Sharpay."

"Things can get wrong very quickly and I am in no position to put myself or my son in that. Do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear." He nodded with understanding, "Damn it Troy, I'm serious."

"Does this look like I'm taking it as a joke?" He yelled, "This is my son," he quietly hissed, "And I'm seeing him for the first time in months, damn it, I have a right for this, to see him, to…to spend some time with him. And I know I sound like a hypocrite, but just give me this opportunity for him to just have some quality time with him. I need that. I desperately need that."

"I think it's time for us to leave." I grabbed Sheldon fiercely out of his hands, "That's not fair."

"You don't think I don't know that?" I frowned, "My son is all I have. You've never been there for me, for us and I'm supposed to let you touch him and hold him? You haven't even seen him born or his first Christmas, nothing of that sort…I don't like how you're asking for me to let you hold my son."

I shook my head, "You have a wife that is getting all the love and affection that I've never received from you. If I was her, I wouldn't want to know if my husband was having an affair with a skank."

"You're not a skank!" He yelled, frustrated, "No matter how many times you tell yourself that, I will always be the blonde hair, blue-eyed girl that you knocked up. Nothing changes Troy, nothing ever will."

He nibbled his lip, his eyes wavering, "Please." He begged.