So guys, my first Glee FanFiction! Yay :D (I know I am a bit late to the party, but anyway). Contains mayor character death, past mpreg, the aftermath of a school shooting, (Yes, the story was inspired by the episode "Shooting Star", but this is not related with it in any way!) aand lots of pain.
I want to thank my wonderful, wonderful Beta ReaderFairyRose for her help and her time! I cannot stress this enough, THANK YOU!
Sometimes life changes in a matter of seconds to an extent that makes it harder to handle than it already is. People know that, they just don't expect it. Kurt's life had already changed dramatically a number of times in the short spanof his life. Always in a matter of seconds. Sometimes he was prepared for it, like when it was clear that his mother was about to die. And other times it came out of the blue. Blaine leaving him for example, the morning before his final year of high-school started and he was making plans about how to make New York work anyway. This time however it was a phone-call. A phone-call that alternated him from the old Kurt who succeeded in surviving what life threw his way, to Kurt, with a sad smile and little hope in his eyes. It alteredwho he was in a moment in whentime really did lose its meaning; when minutes and years blurred into one feeling of fear and hopelessness. For him it suddenly felt like the last three years never happened. Every emotion is filtered through fear, whether it be forgotten love that suddenly burned as if it neverstopped, or anger at what could not be changed. As if back then was right now, as if all his past and future was here in this very moment.
[~~~]
"Sam, hey haven't heard fro-... ".
"No, don't! Listen Kurt, turn on the TV. Something horrible is happening!" Those fewwords made Kurt believe that he didn't know the person on the other end of the line. This wasn't Sam. He, never in the whole time he's known the man, had he spokenso seriously and at the same time sounded so deeply frightened.
"Sam, what ha... ." But he was interrupted once again. By now he had reached the remote and had turned on a news-station.
"There's been a shooting at a school." While Sam said that the pictures on the TV switched between a reporter and aerialpictures of a school building. Kurt was confused. Of course, that was indeed horrible, and it moved him deeply but certainly it wasn't a reason for Sam to react so extremely. It was a school in Seattle, Washington he learnedafter scanning the screen for further information.
"Kurt, that is the school Blaine goes to!" Kurt's heart stopped for a second, all the air had left his body as if he had been punched really hard inthe chest. Then, however, he shook his head and successfully calmed himself down, he started to grin. That was not even possible. He voiced his thought.
"Sam, that is not possible! Blaine finished High School, we both know that. This is ridicules and not even remotely funny. It is cruel to make a joke on the misfortunes of..."
"Hear me out Kurt, I tried to call his phone, which I think was quite a stupid thing to do, but... ." Panic which he didn't know how to explain started to settle and spread through his body.
"No! Now you here me! NO. NO! That is not possible. I am calling him. I am going to call him and talk to him." Kurt ended the conversation and typed Blaine's number into the phone, not even reaJulieing that he still knew the number by heart. He had deleted it from his cellphone, he believed, also from his mind. But anyway, this was completely inexcusable. What was Sam even thinking? Why was his whole body shaking? And why was his heart beating in his chest as if it intended to break free from his rib cage? The call went to voice-mail. As did the next. And the one after that. He threw the phone onto his bed where it bounced twicebefore it landed face down.
For a moment everything was unreal and the world was spinning. He needed answers. He needed to know that Sam was wrong. After all, it wasn't possible that he was speaking the truth! However, there was no way to know for sure. He hadn't spoken to Blaine in over two years. No matter how hard he had tried to reach out to the man, he had cut him out of his life completely. Kurt tried to steady his breathing. Just the prospect of Blaine being in thatbuilding crushed his very being. And not knowing for sure how real it was made everything unbearable.
Suddenly his phone buzzed and he jumped to get to it. There was a text message from Blaine and a picture. A picture of him, just as good-looking as ever, with a toddler in his arms, he was standing at a beach but it wasn't the typical image. He was wearing a rain-jacket and a scarf, just as the little girl did, and both were smiling, smiling as if they were never happier in their lives... and Kurt could have sworn that he had never seen Blaine this happy, not... just not with this amount of joy in his eyes.
The words underneath were simple: I am sorry I really am. Within the same second, he texted back. TAKE MY CALL! And right after he pressed send, he called once more. And again after that. Under his feet gravity was changing and his world started to spin reluctantly. His whole being shifting to reaJulieation, more than he could possibly take in all at once. He fell to his knees when his phone started to buzz between his shaking fingers.
"Blaine? Dear Lord? Is this you, Blaine?" With the words, tears started to stream from his eyes. "Please tell me you are alright? You are not in that school right now, are you? Talk to me?!" Kurt demanded with a flustered pitch to his voice. All he was able to hear was shallow breathing. Painfully slow intakes of breath that shuddered while leaving the lungs again. A frantic sob left Kurt's body at that. A sob for all he had missed in the last years, for all the chances, all the misplaced hate, for Blaine and their love and for all the possibilities turning into dead ends within this moment.
"Promise me... - me somethin..." It was nearly impossible to hear the words as they were spoken so quietly.
"Everything Blaine!" Another sob broke from him and he screamed at himself internally to stay silent, he was so afraid that he would miss Blaine's words because of his sobs.
"Love her? Nothin... more... - portant " The slurred words ended when Blaine started desperately to suck in air which ended in a fit of painful sounding little coughs.
"Blaine? Are you still there? You still with me? Everything is going to be fine!" Kurt rolled himself into a ball on his bedroom floor, embracing his legs with one arm, holding on to the phone as if his life depended on it.
"P... mise- need her – safe... happy..." He wanted to ask who Blaine needed to know was in save hands. The picture the other man senthim pesent in his mind. There was no time to ask questions, not now, not when fate was so cruel and time was mercilessly running through their fingers. He knew this was it, he knew, he just didn't want to acknowledge it.
"I will. I will do it. But now you need to saveyour strength, keep breathing, help will be there any minute. Please hold on, okay. Don't leave me, don't leave me again." Kurt sobbed. But there was no response and as a result he started to repeat Blaine's name over and over again, whispering it through his sobs.
"Th... much blood, Kurt - … fraid." Again Kurt tried to keep it together, forcing himself to breath more calmly in order to speak.
"Don't be, it's all right, it's going to be fine. Don't be afraid. You don't have to be afraid. I am here for you. Will always be. We are going to be fine." He heard something close to a broken chuckle. Then he reaJulieed that those weren't the last words he wanted Blaine to hear.
"You made me a stronger person Blaine. You showed me what it means to be loved and what it means to love another person, you hear me? You are so very special and whatever made you walk away, I'm sure you had your reasons and we can work through them, right? I never stopped loving you, Blaine!"
He wasn't really sure where those words came from, but all his initial anger and his disappointment in Blaine and what he had thought was their epic love, vanished from his mind and from every fiber of his being. However, it was instantly replaced by fear, his whole being was encompassed by fear.
"Blaine? Blaine?... You are still with me, right? Blaine? Blaine!" He turned back on his knees, holding himself up with one arm.
"Blaine!" he screamed.
Again and again. Over and over until his throat was so sore he needed to stop because no more sounds would leave his body.
He listened desperately for the sound of Blaine's breathing but there was none. Not a single indication to give Kurt hope of this all being nothing more than a horrible nightmare. At some point he started to whisper the name again. Making it his prayer at the same time as he made it his mantra. In that moment it kept him sane, because there was really nothing else that was able to keep him from losing it but the sound of Blaine's name in his head.
At one point someone slidopen the apartment door and high-heals flew over the hardwood-floor. And then Santana was beside him on her knees and within the same second she touched his shoulder, he lashed out, got back on his feet and screamed while throwing a bunch of books at the wall. He destroyed his floor lamp and threw it through the curtains into the living room where the TV was still silently flickering the same pictures it did when he turned it on. When he was about to rip the curtains from the ceiling, arms were suddenly catching him in a brutal grip.
"No, no, no Honey. That is not your style, you keep breathing here - and CALM DOWN! You need to calm down!".
For a moment the arms around him functioned as an anchor and his thoughts cleared to a certain degree which lead to him reaJulieing that he had lost his phone. His phone was no longer in his hands, Blaine was no longer within his immediate ranch. Where was his phone? Where was his phone?
"Blaine? Blaine! Where is my phone? SANTANA? WHERE IS MY PHONE? Oh my god, Blaine!"He rippedthe hands from his torso and frantically started searching everywhere.
"Help me find my phone!" He screamed to his shocked friend."HELP ME. FIND. MY. PHONE SANTANA! Blaine is on the other end."
The second sentence brought back the tears and the sobs and in order to see under his bed, he fell back down on his knees and his hands. But there was nothing, and his head was spinning and he couldn't breath properly anymore and he fell to his side, sobbing uncontrollably until he lost every sense of himself.
[~~~]
The piece of paper in his hand indicated that he stood in front of the right house. It was outside of Seattle with a sweet little garden and a front porch with flowers and a little table and two chairs. It was not special but it was home to someone. It was the house Blaine had lived in for the last three years, having found a place to stay with his grandfather there when nobody else had bothered to care. At least that was the version he got from Sam. There was not much he was willing to tell him, or maybe Sam just didn't know more about what happened. What he knew however was the address and a promise that he wouldfind answers there, if nowhere else. So Kurt stood in front of the fence, not able to go a step further, not for the last ten minutes. The sun was popping out of the clouds again and again and there was a steady wind, making his hair a mess. He wanted answers, hell he came all the way here to get them... but at the same time he didn't want answers, he should just ignore everything and oncego on with his life. It worked the last time. He bit his teeth together as strong as he was able to because that was not the same, this time was different. This time was final and cruel and unfair and there was no chance of things turning out okay someday. It just wasn't in the realmof possibilities.
"Son? I assure you I won't bite!" Came a voice and it took Kurt a moment to findthe source. It was an elderly men from a window that had justbeen opened, he waved at him and made a gesture for him to come inside. Kurt's heart jumped in his rib-cage and his hands became sweaty within seconds. He could not go in there. He could not go through with this. When he was ready to go a step backwards in order to run, the front door opened and the man reappeared.
"I think it is important that the two of us have a conversation. I know it's hard, son. I really do." The man was now just a few feet away from him. He smiled sadly at him, his right arm opened as in invitation, welcoming him into his home. Kurt felt as if he was able to take away some of the sadness on the mans face if he just decided to give it a try. And that cleared his mind enough for him to step forwards instead of backwards and following Blaine's grandfather - as he was sure that it was undoubtedly him. Shortly before they reached the front door, the man turned and chuckled lighly.
"Please, you need to excuse my manners! My name is Charles. Charles Herricks. But call me Charles, or Charlie, as you please." This time he smiled softly as if he remembered something, something from an old time. Kurt was unsure of what to do, as it appeared, this man knew who he was. He decided to act on what his father had taught him. Politeness.
"It is really nice to meet you Charles. I... My name is Kurt:" He pronounced this last sentence as if it was a question while at the same time he took the hand Charles offered him.
"I am sorry for coming here unannounced. I should have called or something. After you didn't go to the funeral I just needed..." Charles dismissed the words with a movement of his right hand.
"I am happy you are here, Kurt! I tried to find out more about you but I simply hadn't the strength to go through... em, I have not yet found it in me to search... my... Blaine's personal belongings." Kurt could see the tears in Charles eyes, but he also witnessed how fast the man was able to regain composure.
"Come on in Kurt, please." Charles led Kurt into the living room and offered to prepare tea which gave Kurt time to find his own composure. First he looked around the room but soon parts of their small conversation outside caught up with him. He wondered why Charles hadn't been to the funeral. Kurt had thought that maybe he was to old to take the flight, or to unwell but it seemed so far he was just fit enough. The house suggested that he wasn't exactly poor and couldn't affortthe plane tickets either. On the other hand that shouldn't have been the problem, Blaine's parents had enough money. They should have been able to pay for a plane-ticket if the man wished to attend the funeral. And most importantly, this man cared! Kurt could see how much he cared. He decided to ask the question, but first he needed to figure out more about the picture Blaine had send to him and about his last words and... Kurt reaJulieed quickly that composurewasn't his strong suit today. As it hadn't been for the last two weeks. His hands where lightly shacking from anticipation. He needed to go about it one step at a time.
He concentrated back on the room and it didn't take him long until he found the picture Blaine had sent him, framed on the wall. He got back on his feet and went the few steps. There were even more pictures. All held the girl in them, most with Blaine and others with Charles. Her features strongly reminded him of Blaine. The eyes and the mouth and most importantly her smile. Her smile was able to lightKurt's own face through the photos while at the same time tears prickled in his eyes and a suppressed sob was escaping his throat. He pressed his hand to his mouth and the other griped his own dress shirt. In that moment Charles behind him set the cups of tea on the table behind him and Kurt turned around on his heels, their eyes looked and Kurt understood that they shared the same pain.
"I am... I am sorry. I didn't mean to snoop, I just – I just..." another sob broke from him and he laid both arms around himself.
"Who is that girl, Sir? I need to know. Blaine sent me a picture of her on my phone shortly before... shortly before..." Another sob. Then a hand gently took his forearm and led him to the couch and guided him down to sit. As soon as Charles also sat down, he laid an arm around Kurt's shoulder. Together they kept the silence, just occasionally interrupted by a sob Kurt tried to suppress. Until it was more fiercely broken by a high pitched scream from a baby moniterKurt hadn't noticed before, lying just a few inches beside his tea cup. But it broke more than the silence, it broke the tension in the older mans body.
"Up, up, up!" Charles took the arm from his shoulder and chuckled, taking the baby moniterin his hand.
"That would be her." The younger man pressed his lips into a thin line, then he took a deep breath.
"Her?". Charles had stood up and made his way over to the stairs.
"Yes, her. Little Julie. Blaine's baby-girl. Excuse me. I will be back in a second." Kurt just nodded. His head began to spin. Of course he knew. For two weeks he knew. But he hadn't had the courage, or the strength to acknowledge it to himself. And still it didn't made him understand. If at all, it made matters worse. It made him question everything there was... there had been between him and Blaine, it made him question who Blaine was and redefine all the man's motivations and motives. A child. By heaven. The man he once believed he knew better then anybody else on this earth had a daughter. And nobody had told him, his parents had denied to knowing anything about a girl, they even went so far as to deny knowingwhere Blaine had been before his death.
"Kurt? May I introduce to you: Julie Anderson!" Kurt spun around in his seat and the anger that had began to build up in his chest was gone within the second. There was a little girl, griping one arm around Charles leg and the other around a stuffed animal that strongly resembled a hippo. She was sucking on a pacifier and her blond, curly hair was all over the place, probably from sleep. She was adorable. And she watched him with big, curious eyes. He watched her back until the girlsuddenly shied away, probably discouraged by Kurt's lack of responceor recognizing him as a stranger. Something like that. She lifted her free arm. Again demanding to be picked up. Instantly she pressed her face in her great grandfathers neck.
"She can be a bit shy, our little darling." He looked apologetic at him, though Kurt didn't think that there was anything to be apologetic about. He waved his hand and made his way around the couch.
"Darling, say Hallo to Kurt? Would you do that?" Charles asked, and nudged his finger under the girls chin. Reluctantly she started to turn her head back inhis direction. In the first moment she watched him with little interest, then a grin appeared and both her hands shot in front of her body in order to clap her hands.
"Hallo!" A hand flew to Kurt's mouth and he reaJulieed that he was grinning while a few lost stray-tears ran down the side of his face. He was ginning so brightly, in fact, that his cheeks started to hurt.
"Hey Julie, how are you?" He went a step in the pair's direction so he was only a few feet in front of them.
"Pretty fine, had a nap." She declaimed, Kurt needed to laugh at that. She made it sound like it was just the thing she did... which she most likely did, though she sounded too grown up when in reality she could not be much older than two years. Or maybe she was, he was not really sure about how kids looked at what age.
"You are such a sweetheart! You know that?" Suddenly the happiness drained from Julie's face, she looked to her great grandfather and back at him, she shrugged her little shoulders. Charles gave him a sad smile then looked down before watching Julie again, he seemed as if he knew what was about to come.
"Are Daddy's sweetheart. " Now it was on Kurt to lose his newly found happiness just to let it be replaced by a deep frown. Ice was building a heavy weight in his stomach, leading to goosebumps running over the back of his legs and arms.
"Want down, please." Charles let her slide down and put her on her feet, before she run out of the room. Both men watched her leave, and when the older didn't do anything to hold her back, the younger one looked back up.
"I am so sorry, I had no idea, I mean...".
"Don't worry, you couldn't have known. It was just... Blaine always asked her whose sweetheart she was and - yes... she will be back soon. She' provento be a very tough girl. Please, sit down, Kurt. Let us talk." before Kurt sat, he lingered a moment more, staring down the hall Julie run off to.
"How, em... how is she handling... the... it... I mean yeah, how is she?" Charles took a long and deep breath, he himself looked down the hall for a moment. Before he answered he added some sugar to his tea.
"She is so very young. She doesn't understand death, and she won't for a long time. What she knows ,however, is that her daddy hasn't been home in what is a very long time for such a little angle. And she doesn't understand that either. She asks for him, and she cries for him and she needs him in more ways than I can imagine. I try to explain to her that he is not able to come back, that he would do anything in order to be able to but that there is no way. But she is not tiered yet to wait... that is until she doesn't remember anymore who she is waiting for."
The words rung in Kurt's ears and they made the silence after the last sentence ended unbearable. They were true and hurt him deeply. Everything about this hurt, nothing about this was fair and nobody could convince him that anything good can ever come from it. Time passed, Charles drank nearly all of his tea while he didn't even touch his. He briefly thought about his mother and her death and he tried for a moment to bring all his memories of her to the forefront of his mind as if it would help him calm down. As if it was reassuring him of some possibility of hope, but he needed to stop that train of thought quickly, it brought his mind to a even darker place. Moreover, he had all those questions. Why did Blaine leave when he did? Why hadn't his parents any clue about his whereabouts? And why was he in this school when he should have ended high-school two years ago?
But a different, more important question emerged to him. It came out of the blue and he spoke it without filtering his speech. But it was the most important question right now.
"Is there a mother in the picture? Or a father for that matter?" Charles suddenly looked at him with a piercing stare. Kurt didn't really know what it meant, he instantly felt as if under pressure, as if it was the wrong question to ask or rather a question he should know an answer to without having to ask beforehand. His thoughts began to frantically run through his mind and he started to get nervous to the point his hands became sweaty.
"Blaine carried Julie, Kurt. Blaine gave birth to her." Kurt's pulse quickened and he became slightly short-breathed. So there was another father in the picture. Another man. Someone else who should have spent the last moment of Blaine's life on the phone with him. Not him. Not him. It hadn't been his place. Or was it? That wasn't possible. That was beyond fair. That was cruel and heart-crushing. That was not how it was supposed to be.
"How old is she?", he whispered, his voice shacking and his whole body became stiff.
"Two years and six month, she was born December third, she was nearly two months early. It was a hard time." The information crushed him with full force. The reality of it all struck him like lightning. Blaine had named her after his mother. It was close enough, Julie... Julia. He had been with child when he left. He had left him most certainly because he was pregnant... There was no way he could understand why he did it. There was no way to understand any of this. There was no way he had a child with Blaine and now Blaine was dead. There was no way in hell any of this was fair. There was no way Blaine was dead. How could this happen? Why did it happen to him? He needed Blaine to make him understand what this was all about! Kurt hadn't reaJulieed that he was pacing the living-room floor, frantically running his hands through his hair.
"Tell me that's not true! Tell me he didn't keep that from me! Tell me she is not my child! I can't... there is no way that I am... that I would have... Oh my god. Oh no, no, no." Suddenly two hands were griping him at his shoulders and he was eye to eye with Charles who by now had a single tear running down his left cheek.
"Please Kurt, I understand this is a big surprise and I know that it is anything but easy to take in. But right now, please take a deep breath and let me talk a bit. Just breathe." He tried exactly that, he tried it long and hard, his body again felt like crying, like exploding with grief. His mind ranin circles, not able to really take in what just happened, work through all this new information. Just as the man in front of him held unto his shoulders, he desperately griped the man's underarms, it was all that kept him sane right now. The only detail holding him in the present, anchoring his pain, his grief and theanger that was flowing underneath it all. He needed Blaine. He needed Blaine, right here, right now. He needed to scream at him, he needed to draw him close to his body and cry, he needed him to give him answers, more answers. A reason for all of this.
"I can't. I... I – I need Blaine." he made a gesture as if to look around, like he would tumble into the room at any moment, grinning his stupid, sweet smile and make everything better. Explaining that the years had been one big practical joke. A horrible, hurtful, mean joke on his behalf. It really wasn't, however, and he knew it, his heart knew it and that was why it hurt so much. What happened in the last weeks hadn't been a joke, it was a sad, sad reality of tears and grief and pain.
"We all do. We all really, really do and I know it is not easy to be strong and you don't need to be right now..." Charles signed deeply, and in the back of his mind Kurt felt like he knew what the other wanted to add: 'Not right now, but soon. As soon as possible.' He didn't let the thought enter the forefront of his mind. Instead he sunk back into the cushion, his hand running through his already messy hair. His vision was blurry, his legs simple jelly, not usable, he was sure of that.
He needed Blaine. He needed him. It was essential for the man to show him how to be a parent. Because that was the consequence, right? Taking over for Blaine. That was why Charles so urgently needed to talk to him. He was too old to raise a child. He would be like ninety when she went of for to collage or something. At one point or another, if Kurt hadn't come on his own, he would have searched for him, called him, visited him, anything in order to introduce him to this girl who currently played in the next room.
Apparently, she was his responsibility now. But that couldn't have been Blaine's wish. Why else had he kept her from him then? He had run away in order to bring a child into this world... their child, without him. Not wanting him included. But... but for him to love that girl, their daughter, was Blaine's dying wish, his last request and there was no way Kurt would be able to deny him that... Everything was a confusing mess in his mind.
Everything was spinning and a high pitched tone slowly but steadily took over his thoughts. He took in one deep breath after another in order to stay conscious but the darkness awaiting him was so very sweet. Suddenly, however, something drew him back into reality. A little hand resting on his cheek and another holding onto the sleeve of his dress-shirt.
"Mr. Kurt? You alright?" Slowly he zoomed back into reality. And when he opened his eyes, Julie was standing there beside him on the couch, just tall enough that they were eye-level. Charles stood at a cabinet on the other side of the room, pouring a golden liquid into a glass. Without thinking about it Kurt took the little girl's hand, which held on to his sleeve, into his and movedforward, resting one elbow in his knee, that made the toddler fall to her knees because she could reach him better this way now.
"I am alright Julie. I am sorry." Charles was standing beside him now, offering him the glass and while he really wouldn't have taken the offer on any other day, now he thankfully reached for it and downed it at once. The liquid was burning his throat and the shock that run through his body made him even more aware of everything. He needed air. He needed to get out of here.
He handed the glass back to Charles. Then he absently stroked Julies hair before he let go of her hand and stood up. He looked eye to eye with Charles.
"I need some time to sort things out, Charles. I will come back tomorrow. I promise. I will leave you my number and I will also write down the one of my family in Ohio, so you will be able to blackmail me or something if I don't come back. But I will. I will!"
Charles only nodded, then he smiled sadly and rested a hand on his shoulder.
"I understand."
Kurt wrote everything down, then he said his goodbye to both Charles and Julie. Then he ranout of the house without looking back.
[~~~]
He didn't know how he made it back to his hotel but as soon as he hit the pillow he started to cry. For hours he screamed and sobbed and willed himself to stop until he fell asleep due to exhaustion.
The emotional hangover the next day made him lie in bed for about three hours after he woke up. He couldn't cry anymore, even though he felt like it after the first hour in which he reconstructed his last meeting with Blaine. The last time they were together. While over the last years he was convinced that there were only blurry memories left of their last week, he was proved wrong. Now he was able to recall nearly every conversation they had in those last days.
He had worked so hard in order to forget their last morning, when Blaine came over to his house. His disturbed and red eyes, his shaking hands. He broke up with him, his voice quiet and unsteady. It ended in Blaine running out of his room, Kurt chasing after him, catching him in his arms. They cried together, in Kurt's case out of confusion and fear. He wouldn't let Blaine go, he wouldn't allow him to leave before he had told him what was wrong. And he remembered that he repeated the words 'Don't leave, please don't leave me' over and over again. But at one point, Blaine had escaped from his boyfriend's arms and run. He never came back. Three weeks later Kurt had left for New York, despite not being in NYADA from the start, he was convinced he would find his way. As he did. Until this school-shooting when his past decided to catch up with him.
The next two hours he thought about what he was supposed to do now. He had absolutely no clue. After all, he couldn't just take the girl, bring her to New York and start being her father. That was not an option. As it was not an option to stay here. This wasn't his life. A voice in his head told him what a stupid argument that was, it hadn't been Blaine's life eitherand he made it his home... at least that is what Kurt concluded from all the information he had so far. He couldn't rip her from here, away from Charles. And maybe the man didn't even want to give her away. He could not just separate them, he was all she knew and everything she had left. Who would he be to rip her away from that. Not a good father.
After that he rolled out of bed and paced along the room. Thinking about him being a father. He was twenty-one and he was supposed to be a father to a three year old. How was that supposed to work?Again a voice in his head, it was clearly Blaine's by now: 'I wasseventeen!' He pressed his hands against his ears as if he would be able to banish the voice from his head. "No, no, no!" he murmured while having the strong urge to stamp his feet like a six year old boy, needing to have his way.
The moment he had let himself fall back down on his bed, his phone started ringing. For a moment his breath stopped and he prayed that it wasn't Charles. He wasn't ready yet, in a hour or two, yes but not now. But he decided to check anyway and relief flooded him when he reaJulieed it was his father. He hadn't called him last night as he had promised. He took the call but in the same instant it became apparent to him that it also meant that he needed to share the truth with someone else.
"Kurt?" He wasn't able to speak for a second. "Kurt? You there?"
"Dad! Emm, Dad sorry."
"Are you alright, boy?" Kurt took a deep breath. And another one. His whole mind and body were so very tired in this moment. He could not imagine what it would be like to explain everything to his father, when he really had no idea what had happened to him, either.
"How was your meeting? Have you found who you were looking for?"
"Yes." That was an easy answer. He could give a few more of those.
"And? Kurt! Something is not right, I can feel that. You are frightening me a little over here, boy!"
"Dad?... I... I..." again he took a deep breath before he continued. The other end of the line was silent in nervous anticipation. "I don't know what to do."
"About what?" Couldn't he ask more of those yes and no questions? Those were easy. To explain everything about what happened wasn't.
"That picture, Dad? That was Blaine's daughter." He could sense that his father wanted to comment on that, wanted to ask questions but he knew that he needed to intervene and fast. "And she is mine, too. She is mine and I have no idea what I am suppose to do! I don't know what to do!"
He knew that he nearly screamed those last words but he didn't really have any control over it. In general he felt like all control was running away from him and there was no way to keep up with it.
But maybe his father knew what to do. Maybe he could tell him what to think and how to act. There was no response however. Again there was silence on the other side of the line and anticipation rose up in Kurt. That and the reaJulieation that he had spoken it out loud. It seemed like an endless amount of time passed before he heard his father taking in a deep breath.
"Oh my god Kurt." Apparently Burt was just as speechless as he had been for the last nearly twenty-four hours. Again, silence fell, he heard his father moving around, then sitting again. A cupboard opening and closing, some walking, some deep breathing.
"Dad, say something." Kurt pleaded, but he received no answer, not as fast as he had expected. He himself was nervously pacing the room by now, surely the same thing his father just did.
"There is not much there to say Kurt. Not much that will help, anyway. I can say what a terrible tragedy that is, how horrible it is that a little girl lost her father, I can only start to grasp how hard this is on you, all of this, not being able to speak with Blaine about it. It is a tragedy. But you know that. What you need to know is, what do you want to do about it. You wanted answers. I am sure you only have more questions. Continue to find answers. After that you can think about what the right thing is to do."
His father was right. One thing at a time. One problem after the other. He needed to start at the beginning. Figure out why he left, maybe Charles knew more about it. But something in him told him that if he went back there, he made things final.
"You found Blaine's grandfather, right? Did he demanded something of you?" Kurt needed to think for a moment about what his father could have meant by that, but then he understood.
"No, no. He was the nicest person, he didn't want anything from me, he wanted to talk, that is it. I just worry a lot, he is old and he cannot take care of Julie, and..."
"The kid's name is Julie?" Suddenly Kurt remembered that he hadn't told him that yet.
"Ohh... yes, yes it is. Blaine..., Blaine he had named her after mum." His breath stuck in his windpipe and maybe he had enough strength again to cry. But all that did happened was that he felt like hyperventilating. "Julie. He... why did he leave, Dad? We would have been stronger together. Why did he leave?"
"I can't tell you. And maybe you won't find an answer to that. Don't relay on it, don't hope for it. Sometimes life is that cruel. But you need to try, okay? You go there again and you take a photo of the girl, will you?"
It was like a command, as if Kurt had no other choice about it. At least that was how he suddenly felt about the situation. He promised that he would try and that he needed to leave now, that he was toolate already.
[~~~]
This time around, Kurt walked to the door without hesitation. He used the bell and was greeted by a visibly relaxing Charles. He smiled weakly and entered the house as soon as Charles offered him to.
"For a moment I was afraid you wouldn't make all the way here again." Kurt shook his head and tried to explain but he was quickly dismissed by Charles, telling him that it was important that he came, not why he was late.
"Please Kurt, it is alright, sit down. I am making some coffee." Kurt however didn't sit, he feared that it would make him a nervous mess once again. He needed to stay occupied and talking, so he followed Charles to the entrance of the kitchen, where he leaned into the frame.
"Either Blaine took that habit from you or the other way around, but he always stood there in that exact position." With that said, Kurt looked down on himself, then he unfold his arms as well as his legs, which ended in him standing there in a awkward position. But Charles laughed, so he simply folded his arms again without leaning on the frame.
"You know, it is comforting. To finally see that my grandson had had a life before he came here, banging on my door, crying, not knowing what to do or where to go." Instantly Kurt wanted to interrupt but Charles wouldn't let him, he continued with his story. This seemingly wasn't the time for questions, no matter how hard it was. Not after what he just learned.
"I always felt that he was so isolated here, only having me and what family that is left. And then there was Julie and he just plunged right into it, all the sadness was gone and he was so natural at being a father, as young as he was. You know, I wanted him to go back to school. Make friends, build up a life again... I shouldn't have insisted... there would have been other ways... I wanted him to finish High School... I" Charles hands began to shake at that and a cup fell to the floor. Kurt was at the man's feet in seconds and lifted what was safe to pick up.
"I am so sorry, let me get hold of the broom..." And with that the man rushed out of the room. Kurt decided to make some use of himself and fetched another cup. For a moment both men worked silently side by side. There was a tension in the room, Kurt worried about the older man but as soon as he continued talking the tension lifted slightly.
"He was such a good boy, Blaine. He was the sweetest manI know, so very kind." Kurt just nodded at that and laid a hand on the other man's shoulder. Both rung with their emotions for a moment, but they silently agreed that it wasn't the place, nor the time. So they wandered back into the living-room and sat down. It was a while before Charles was the one to pick up the conversation again.
"Blaine told me so much about you. He always talked so highly of you and your time together." It was dropped out of the blue, really. He had expected a lot but not this.
"Then I don't understand why he left!" There was anger slowly rising at the pit of his stomach but it was replaced with confusion by Charles next words.
"That was not his choice, and as much as I tried to convince him to fight back against his parents, he wouldn't. He was so afraid, I needed to promise on his life to never tell another soul... how very ironic..." Kurt didn't get it, he really didn't know what to make of it and that showed in his face. Charles signed deeply.
"It is quite a long story, but I assume you came for it so, I will tell you what I know."
Kurt nodded in anticipation. There was no going back now.
"Are you aware of the fact that Blaine's father is not his really father?" Kurt nodded. Blaine had once told him that he had died when he was really, really young. And his mother had really soon married a new man. But there was never more to it.
"Exactly. Marcus, his father, was my son. I don't now why I am starting the story here I just feel like you need to now that. The new husband didn't allow Blaine's mother or the kids to visit us... he said we were horrible influences and that the kids weren't allowed near us."
"Us?"
"My husband and me."
Oh. At that moment it made click in Kurt's mind, he pressed his hand in front of his mouth and shook his head sadly. This was about homophobia and Carrier-shame.
"That is not fair, Blaine never... he never mentioned anything like that."
"Probably because he didn't know. When he figured out that he was pregnant, he wasn't alone, his mother was with him and she instantly told his stepfather, who made an appointment for an abortion within the same hour Blaine learned of his pregnancy."
The tears came back and for a moment he considered that not knowing hadn't been quite as hurtful.
"In order to be sent away, instead of having to go through with the abortion, he needed to promise that he wound'ttell anyone and most of all not you. He blackmailed him, threatened him to ruin you and your familie's life."
Kurt was openly crying by now. Holding himself, desiring to draw his legs up to his body and roll himself into a ball. This defiantly hurt more then not knowing. The anger was so much easier to handle than what was tearing his very soul in two right now. Everything was easier than this. He started to whisper how unfair all of this was but then he reaJulieed that it wouldn't chance a thing. He just needed to turn back time. This was all on him, he should have gone after Blaine, searched for him, fought for what they had, fought for what never was and now never could become.
At one point arms laid themselves around him and without him noticing he cried himself into unconsciousness yet again.
[~~~]
When he woke up, it was dark outside. He was lying on the couch in Charle's living-room and a blanket was covering him. His very first thought was that Blaine surely had spent time on this couch and used this blanked and it nearly ripped him apart. When he tried to control himself and stop the shame creeping up his back for what had happened, he heard noises from the kitchen. Without thinking he stood up and went over to its entrance.
What he found, while adorable and sweet, didn't do much to mend his sadness. In fact it clenched his insides into one painful lump. Julie sat in her highchair, Charles sat beside her and cut a sandwich in little pieces. Julie babbled and Charles responded to her as if she was actually telling him of her day. He imagined Blaine sitting there, doing the same. That was the moment the girl noticed him and called for him. As was so often the case in the last weeks, tears started to run. With a deeply sad expression, Charles laid down the knife and came over to him to take him into his arms. Kurt hugged the man back. There was really not much more holding him together than that right now.
When they, later in the evening, sat down at the kitchen Table, Julie already asleep, Charles looked him in the eyes and took one of his hands in both of his.
"You know Kurt, while Blaine didn't want to be confronted with, or really at all think about the circumstances of the pregnancy and his running away from home, he always made itclear that he was sure about having done the right thing. I know this won't mend any of your pain just yet, but it might some day."
Charles pausedthere and Kurt needed to agree. He didn't say so however, he simply waited for more to come. He didn't have it in him to talk at all right now.
"He did this all for Julie, for her sake and to a great extentalso yours. He knew of what his stepfather was capable of doing and he didn't want to risk a thing. And he once told me that there would be the right time when it was okay to tell you and he was so convinced that all would be okay then... at least I hope he believed that truly. He was such a clever boy, always able to make everyone feel better by telling them what they needed to hear. But... yes... that - that is a different story. I am sorry Kurt that it all came down to such a tragedy. That you are here today when Blaine cannot be."
"I am sorry as well." Was everything he said. Then they continued their silence. Sometimes around ten, Charles offered him the couch for the night and simply the thought of being able to indulge a bit more in the knowledge that there was so much of Blaine in those rooms, made him agree. He knew it would lead to an even worse chance of staying objective concerning everything. But who was he kidding anyway? He was nose deep into it.
[~~~]
Kurt decided to stay another week. And already planned for the possibility that it would become two or three weeks. He had missed so much of the semester already, and he didn't care much. Of course he was concerned about the consequences. Still it was so mundane, compared to the rest of his problems.
In this week he had spend a few hours a day with Charles and Julie. He learned as much as possible about them. Asked questions about Julie and her development and her interests. He delved into their life and quickly became a part of their daily routine. Kurt couldn't decide if it was a good thing. What he was sure about however was, that he could not just leave anymore. Walking out of the girl's life was not in the range of possibilities.
There were many sad moments in this week. He had gotten the okay from Charles to go into Blaine's room and when he had believed that he had felt grief before, kneeling in front of Blaine's bed, with his face in the sheets was nothing compared to that. He felt the last three years like a gap in his soul, everything he missed, every moment he spent without Blaine. He felt it all compressed into one single cutting, encompassing pain. It was a kind of grief so much louder, a lot more demanding than he could bear. It was all about what could have been and all the apologies never voiced. All the time lost. It was a feeling of overwhelming need for something to be that never would have the chance to become.
At this moment in time, there was no happy ending and nothing suggested that there ever would be a happy ending. He was silently hoping this feeling would change with time. But right now he didn't want it to, couldn't have it any other way. He was not yet ready to accept happiness which was born from such darkness. There was something in his soul forbidding it.
So when Kurt left for the airport, two weeks after his breakdown in Blaine's room, he didn't knew if it was right to feel like coming back as soon as possible was right. Not because morally it wasn't the right thing to do, but because he was so sure it was in fact the right decision. Thinking too hard about everything though made him sick, he needed to trust his feelings and the wish to be a part of the girl's life.
Cornish Collage of the Arts had excepted his application. Now he was on his way to New York in order to organize the move. He also needed to meet up with his father in Ohio in order to figure out some stuff. He didn't know how long this would take him. It was, in a way, saying fair well to the life he had build up. He couldn't just continue his New York life in Seattle. He had slowly accepted over the last weeks that what he had planned for his future was nowhere near realistic anymore.
From now on he was responsible for another human being. From now on he was a father to a little girl, even though it took another two years until she referred to him as such. From now on his goals involved the question if they were compatible with his daughters. Life didn't turn around him anymore, it turned around piano-lessons and homework and spending time at the park or at the beach and making sure to fit play dates into tightly knitted schedules.
It didn't happen all at once, he didn't came back and moved Julie with him into their own flat. For the first months Kurt lived with the two of them until he had found a place not far from school and close to Charles and Julie. He visited often and took her for sleepovers and day trips. But it soon becameapparent that with Blaine gone it was hard for Charles to care for Julie all on his own so the times when Kurt went to drive Julie to Kindergarten in the morning and took her home with him afterwards just to bring her back for the night became more and more.
It was two years to the day of Kurt moving to Seattle that Charles and Kurt both explained to the girl that from now on she wouldn't be visitingKurt any longer, but rather it would be visiting Charles as often as possible.
Five years to the day of Blaine's death Kurt had the strength to read Blaine's dairies from after when he had left. They were irregular and sporadic but if there were entries they were long. A short one caught his eyes.
"It is Julies second birthday tomorrow and it is really hard to believe. I feel like it was just yesterday since I reaJulieed that nothing would ever be the same again. While I was made to believe by Mum that my life would be totally over when I made, and I quote, 'the most stupid mistake of my life, you will see you poor kid', I always knew in my heart that this couldn't be true. And it really isn't. My life isn't over. It is perfect and as much as I enjoyed my time with Kurt, and as much as I loved him and still do with all the capacity that I have, and oh my dear heaven, the way that he made me feel... Julie though is able to make my heart burn in a way I didn't know was possible. I just wish I could tell Kurt exactly how I felt and be reassured that he felt the same. I shouldn't think about that again, I am to sick of being sad. We will spend the day at the beach tomorrow, she loves it so much there. I should be really excited for that :) And if I think about it I am! I really am."
Kurt really, really wished he could reassure Blaine and tell him how much he agreed with him. He really did.