Forced Smiles: 1/23/15
Naruto had always held the rest of the world at arm's length.
As if letting someone get close to him would allow them to see beyond the fake happiness that he almost always wore, the smiles that seemed just a bit too large to be considered genuine.
He's never really understood the concept of friends, or precious people. They had just never held too much value for him; it was probably because no one really wanted to get close to him. Near enough to find out who the 'real Naruto' was.
He hadn't really smiled in years. Not since he was a little kid anyway, when all of the civilians and some of the shinobi population would treat him with contempt for something he couldn't control. Now he just ignores it. But sometimes it gets so bad and so lonely. During his dreams he watches his teammates die all over again, reliving the same day that made his life even more of a living hell. He wakes up in a cold sheen of sweat, his damp clothes plastered to his body.
He repeats over and over to himself that it's okay; that he is okay, trying to convince himself that he really is. He tells himself that all he has to do is push down his emotions, all his feelings and just push through it, to just smile. So he paints on his renowned too large grin and tries to move on.
His mask is slipping and he guesses that he is the only one that realizes it. No one else is close enough to him to recognize that his facade is becoming less and less believable as the days pass on. That his voice no longer holds the charisma it used to that it lacks any enthusiasm it used to contain.
He finds, strangely enough he is okay with this. He doesn't want to be a burden anymore, troubling someone else with his problems. It's just not the type of person he is.
He has so much weight on his shoulders. So many lives lost, their words pressing down on top of him. His body weighted with promises that he can't keep.
But he just keeps moving forward, with his fake smiles and unrealistic attitude. Everyone eats his act up, falling for it and they said Shinobi were famous for looking 'underneath the underneath'.
Could they not see him suffering, not able to tell that he was hurting? Or did they notice they just not care enough to do anything to save him?
Every once in a while, on those sleepless nights he wonders if he should just end this all, he knows he has nothing left to bind him to this world, so he wonders why he stays. He ponders how simple it would be to just… go. He then thinks about all of the promises he would be breaking and realizes he can't just ignore them
Deep down he also knows that he would never be able to do it.
Slowly he is breaking, like a thin piece of glass that he could walk on. Trying to avoid the cracks, trying not to fall in, because he knows that he would never be able to pull himself back out.
He sometime withes that someone would notice, that someone would ask him if he really was okay. He also wishes that he was still naïve enough to hope for stuff like that.
He was always so lonely so cold. It hurts so much. He tries to say something about never giving up, even though he already knows that he has given up on himself. His mask is breaking and he's not sure what will happen when it falls off completely.
Until that day though, he will keep up his forced smiles.