The one thing I have ever wanted was to have a family. I know I have one now. My mom, dad, big brother, adopted brother, and little brother, but I mean a REAL family.
Sure, my family is related to me by blood, but that doesn't make them a real family to me. a real family is suppose too be there for you. their suppose too love and care for you, no matter what happens and no matter who you are, or what you like.
Your family is suppose too be a group of people who no matter how much you hate, you love.
My family isn't like that. Not even close.
My dad has never shown any affection for me. He never really seemed to care. Probably because he was too worried about what would happen if we, his 'family' found out about him cheating on mom while he was away in Idris. I hate his guts, even if he is my dad. He never tucked us in at night when we were little kids having nightmares, he never took us to the park to play. He never did anything that a normal, loving father would do for his family.
Mother dear is like that also. She may have sung us lullibies when we were little kids, and she may have said every night that she loved us, but she never meant it. well, not with me anyways. She always loved my big brother, even if she didn't show it, but probably because he was her oldest, so she felt some kind attachment to him. But he wasn't her favorite. No, her favorite wasn't even her own child. She loved the adopted son, the golden boy, her 'angel', the best. No matter how much of a snob or ass he was, she always looked at him with pride. Especially when she found out her oldest was gay, her youngest was a social outcast, and I was the slut of the year.
Since our parents were always gone, my big brother had to grow up pretty fast. He kind of replaced mom and dad in way. He did what they would have done had they have been there and better parents. He talked to us about what was wrong, he fixed food for us, he made sure everything was ok for us. He was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to. While he may not have been the best at giving advice, he was the best listener, and somehow talking to him about everything made it all feel better. But even that disappeared, unlike a real family. He found a man he loved. I know I should be happy for him, because he finally found someone he loved and that loved him back, and for the first time in his life he was truly happy, but I couldn't bring myself to be happy. He was now always running off and leaving me alone, even when I needed to talk to him. He just left me. I wanted to be happy for him, but I just couldn't. now I hardly ever see him, which should never happen. It wouldn't happen if we were a real family.
The golden boy. Huh. I hate him. I know he's had a hard life, and being the adopted kid in the family was hard, but that gave him no excuse to be such a bastard! He was rude, and selfish, not to mention arrogant and stuck up. He was always so mea, making jokes about things that were not nice to joke about. Like big brother being gay. While mom would punish her own kids for saying mean, crude jokes like that, mom would just smile at golden boy and keep walking. She loved him so much more than me, her only daughter. Moms are suppose to connect to their daughters, but mom pushed me away instead. She didn't ever care about me. she didn't try to help me with stuff, but let her 'angel', or devil, crack jokes about them.
My little brother was always running off, reading some book. He never told me anything, like a little brother should, and he never asked me anything. He never really talked to me, unless we ended up having to talk. I wish he hadn't died. Maybe he would have been able to hold our crumbling 'family' together like I never could.
It should have been me to die that day.
Nobody would have cared.
Big brother would probably cry, but his boyfriend would be there to hold him and make the pain go away. Dad wouldn't care. Mom might care for a minute, but she would see golden boy and forget all about me. again. Little brother would just go read something to take his mind off of it. golden boy would act sad, then make a joke about me being dead.
I should have died that day.
Everyone has someone, or something, to love.
Brother and boyfriend.
Golden boy and girlfriend.
Mom and her work.
Dad and his cheating partner.
Everyone has someone. Or something.
Everyone in the world does it seems.
Everyone has a family, not like my 'family', but a real one.
Everyone has someone or something to love and cherish, to hold dear to their hearts. To take away the pain.
Everyone has something or someone.
So why don't i?
Why am I all alone, with nobody there for me?
I should have died that day.