This was requested by Amber on Tumblr. It's based on the song by Hot Chelle Rae by the same name. Mostly a lot of angst from both boys. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Sam was thrilled to be back. Although the previous year had been hard, he had missed his friends and had really enjoyed Glee club so he was glad he had that to look forward to again. It was a little hard at first, adjusting to all the changes that had taken place. Half the girls were gone, there were new people that had joined, and everything was just a little bit different. However, he got back into the swing of things and pretty soon it was as if he had never left.
But at the same time, there was something there that hadn't been before. At least it wasn't something that he had openly acknowledged to himself the year before. After some serious thought and realizations though, he had realized something that had happened.
At some point, between last year and now, he had fallen in love with Artie Abrams.
He knew that he liked boys; he had struggled with it for a couple of years but eventually came to terms with it. He wasn't nearly brave enough to come out yet but he wished he could. McKinley terrified him in that aspect, because he knew he could never be as brave as someone like Kurt and just let the insults roll off him.
So he hid it by dating girls and trying to convince himself that he like girls as much as he liked boys. It was a lie, and he felt bad for it. If he was being honest with himself, he probably had crushed on almost half the guys in the club at one point.
But Artie was different. There was just something about him that made Sam's heart skip a beat and his palms get sweaty. He was thrilled whenever he got to spend time with the other boy and felt like he was floating whenever he got that amazing grin flashed his way.
They had bonded over their love of video games and all things nerdy. Sam felt so comfortable around Artie and never felt like he had to hide aspects of his personality when he was with him. He was so used to putting up a front and being the person that other people expected him to be; it was odd to just be himself. Artie never expected anything from him and never made fun of him. He was just Sam and that was all that mattered.
It started off as friendship, but Sam soon felt it growing into something else. He would notice things about Artie; how bright blue his eyes were, and his adorable little smile. How his hair looked soft and despite the fact that he wasn't exactly the biggest guy around, he actually had some really nice arms. How he seemed to find the best in everyone, no matter who they were. How he managed to be nice to everyone despite how they treated them. He could listen to him sing for hours and never tire of the sound of his voice.
He found himself making excuses to spend time with him. He needed help on his homework, he wanted to play video games, or he had an idea for a new song to do in Glee club. Sam constantly worried that Artie would reject him or find him to be clingy, but the other boy easily agreed to whatever Sam suggested and would beam up at him, causing Sam's heart to skip a beat.
It was when Sam ended up spending the night that he finally realized it – or finally admitted it to himself. They had been playing Call of Duty before deciding to pop in a movie. One movie soon turned into a Star Wars marathon and before they knew it, it was no longer night and had turned into early morning. Artie had fallen asleep and Sam only noticed when he suddenly felt a heavy warmth drop onto his shoulder.
The other boy had leaned over and his head was resting on Sam's shoulder. He looked so at peace and comfortable; so unlike how he normally looked at school where he was anxiously trying to avoid people who would push him and his chair around or douse him in slushy. As Sam gazed at him, memorizing the tiny details of Artie's face that was so close to his own, he slowly realized that he had moved beyond friendship. A friend wouldn't be closely examining another's lips and thinking about how much they wanted to taste them.
Sam didn't sleep a wink that night. Instead, he sat up, consumed in his thoughts as Artie slumbered peacefully against him. When morning finally rolled around, Sam carefully got up and shifted Artie so it looked as though he had just fallen asleep on the couch. When he got home, he took a power nap to make up for the lack of sleep, but for the next week or so, his thoughts continually revolved around the other boy.
But then it's summer and his dad gets the new job and all too suddenly they're moving. It's a couple of hours away and with gas prices the way they are, he can't exactly drive back and forth all the time. He figures it's easier that way; he doesn't have to be the friend that they feel sorry for and they don't have to be careful around him. He stays in touch with them over Facebook and the occasional text message but for the most part, he isn't really part of the group anymore.
Artie is the one person that he stays in touch with though. They Skype every weekend and text constantly. He'll post funny videos on Sam's Facebook wall and send him news stories about Justin Bieber as a joke. No matter how hard his day was or whatever he has to deal with in his life, seeing Artie's face on the computer screen every Friday afternoon never fails to make him feel a million times better.
Just as he's getting used to the way his life is, he's suddenly thrust back into the McKinley life. It's a whirlwind the first couple of days, getting settled back in, but Artie is there – on the sidelines, waiting patiently and no matter what, always there. Eventually they manage to get alone, a study date – session – in the library. There's not much to catch him up on since Artie is the only person who's actually cared enough to find out what happened to Sam after he moved.
They just exchange easy conversation, glad to finally be able to be in each other's company again. Sam had hoped that the crush he had developed would have faded, but it only seems stronger. Being so close to the boy doesn't help; their elbows are brushing and he's almost close enough to count his eyelashes.
He wants to tell him so badly – it eats him up every day. But he's scared; scared of what people will say if they find out, scared of Artie rejecting him or even worse, turning away from him. He knows that if he tells Artie about his orientation he wouldn't have any problems. But if he tells him he's in love with him – that might be too much. Sam's content with remaining friends with him rather than losing him forever.
He plays the scenario over and over in his head. He goes over every possible outcome and no matter what happens, he keeps coming up with Artie turning from him in disgust and refusing to talk to him again. He's actually dreamed of it happening – in between other dreams of Artie which haunt in him different ways – and it was even worse than when he's conscious.
Artie doesn't have a girlfriend currently. He knows that the situation with Brittany didn't end well for him and although he never got the details, he knows Artie's had romantic troubles in the past too. Sam knows it's selfish of him but he prays that no other girl catches his eye and that Artie stays single. If he's available, there's always a hope, as slim as it may be. He never mentions anyone and Sam is the one person he tells everything to, so he'd be the first to know.
Sam is on high alert, watching for some sign that he has a chance, that something has changed. He's sure that he's imagining things. Artie's hand lingering after a high five or when he grabs Sam's arm to get his attention. He leans in closer than needed when whispering to him in history class. Even him twisting almost all the way around in his chair when Sam's pushing him to grin up at him.
If the opportunity ever did come, Sam knew that he would more than take advantage. Just from what happened with Brittany last year made him want to do something for Artie. Although he was pretty good at hiding his emotions, Sam could tell that he was hiding a lot of hurt inside. The blonde girl had betrayed his trust and somehow managed to turn it on him. Artie would make disparaging comments about himself and didn't seem to think very highly of himself. Sam wanted to sit down, grab his hand, and just list off all the things he loved about the other boy. He wanted to be able to kiss away the hurt and pain. He would gladly throw himself in front of slushies and take on any bullies that dared looked at him wrong. He wanted Artie to know that he was loved, that someone cared about him and would never hurt him. More than anything, he wanted to hold Artie close to him and offer himself to the other boy. He yearned for closeness but had to be content with keeping a safe distance.
Eventually Sam figures that all he can do is wait and watch. Wait for a sign that he half thinks will never come. Watch for some clue that Artie feels the same way about him. He wishes more than anything that Artie would feel the same way about him. If it were, Sam figures he would shout it from the rooftops and not care what anyone said or did. Because that would mean that Artie would be his and everything would be perfect.
Artie wasn't sure what had happened; he thought that he liked girls and that was it. He had enough issues with romance with them in the first place and he didn't need any more complications. Although if he was being honest with himself, it hadn't worked out so well. He had loved both Tina and Brittany with all of his heart, but it seemed that it wasn't enough. Both girls had shattered his heart on separate occasions because there was someone else. There was always someone more attractive, more popular, able-bodied and just better than him. So he sat and watched as they made their way to other people and he was left trying to put the pieces of his heart back together.
Artie knew he liked girls; he liked the way they smelled, the softness of their hair, their smooth curves and everything about them. But he was slowly starting to wonder if he was starting to like boys as well.
He wasn't completely adverse to the idea. He knew it was a possibility and it did scare him a little, mostly because he was unprepared for it. He wasn't above admitting that a guy was good looking but he figured that he was just a little more open minded than the average male idiot at their school.
But then Rachel threw that party and everything changed. Alcohol was flowing freely and he let himself go for the first time he could remember. He was always very conscious about how he acted and didn't like drawing too much attention to himself. The kid in the wheelchair usually only registered negative attention and he was an easy target. But surrounded by his friends where he was safe, he finally broke out and let himself have fun.
He didn't remember much from the party itself. There was a lot of loud music and for some reason he ended up wearing Brittany's shirt. He knew they danced a little bit, there was spin the bottle and karaoke (it was still a Rachel Berry party). At one point, he was rocking out a little too hard and knocked his chair over backwards.
People were asking him if he was okay but he was laughing too hard to respond. Sam's face eventually came into view and he was clutching a salt shaker in his hand. He had shouted above the music something about body shots and Artie was drunk enough to eagerly agree – something he would have felt too awkward to do while sober. Before he knew it, he was pulling his shirt up and Sam was pouring salt on it.
He felt the warmth of Sam's tongue lapping up some of the salt and all too soon, his head was tipped back and he was downing the drink. Electricity had shot through his limbs when Sam's tongue had connected with his skin and he had shivered at the feeling. Sam went in for it again and Artie couldn't help the moan that escaped his throat at the contact of skin on skin. Luckily it was loud enough that nobody heard him, but he felt a sensation in his lower stomach that he had never associated with a boy before.
All of this came back to him a couple days later when he was completely sober, and most of it had been from a dream he had. He had woken with the sheets tangled and damp, panting at how vivid and realistic the dream had been. It took him awhile, but eventually he realized that it had really happened. He spent the next couple of days agonizing over the situation and trying to figure out what it meant for him. He hadn't really viewed Sam as anything other than a friend before that, but his body had betrayed him and now he suddenly had a different view on his friend.
He wasn't sure if the other boy remembered the incident, but he never brought it up or acted weird around Artie, so he figured that it was lost in the other drunken activities that had taken place that night.
But now Artie had something else to deal with. Once he and Brittany had broken up, he seriously thought over what had happened. He had started to look at Sam a little differently. He obviously knew that the other boy was attractive, but now he was looking with more appreciation. Artie could never figure out why someone as popular as Sam would want to hang out with a nerd like him, but somehow they had become very good friends.
Sam was one of the few people who never made a big deal out of the chair. He acknowledged that it was there, but just adapted to it. Some of his friends, like Finn and Puck, were still a little awkward when it came to dealing with the chair, but Sam never seemed to be troubled by it. He had lifted Artie in and out of it before without even flinching.
Artie had decided to hide his feelings for Sam, assuming that it was just a phase or something that he was going through. Besides, he had just gotten out of two relationships that year alone that had ended badly and needed a break from relationships in general. They could just spend the summer hanging out and maybe his feelings would go back to just friendship.
But then Sam was calling him and telling him that his father had gotten a new job – in a different town. They would be moving in August and Sam would have to go to a different school. Artie felt his stomach sink but he had to play it off and tell Sam that he was going to miss him. He couldn't tell him that he was already dreading the next school year without him being there.
They managed to hang out a few more times that summer, enjoying the limited time they had left, neither of them actually mentioning the move. If they didn't bring it up, it seemed as though it wasn't going to happen. All too soon though, it was their last sleepover and Artie seriously considered telling him the truth – or just going all out and leaning over to kiss him. The moment the terrifying yet amazing thought occurred to him, he shot it down. Even if by some miracle his feelings were returned, this was not the time for it. It was too late; Sam would be gone in the morning.
Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things he had ever done. Most of the club had gathered to send the Evans' off. Quinn was noticeably absent, but they had already seen what had started to happen with her. Sam gave everyone a big hug and when it was his turn Artie squeezed tightly, wishing that he could never let go. However, Sam did have to climb into the car and before he knew it, all Artie could see of it was the rear license plate.
It was strange starting that school year off; it felt similar to the previous year when Tina had dumped him. He felt lost and stranded and not exactly sure where to turn. His friends were all occupied with significant others or thoughts of college. He had nothing and nobody; he went to classes and Glee club but didn't feel like he had any purpose. He kept in contact with Sam of course. It was a little sad but most of the time their Skype conversations were the highlight of his entire week. Once he started with the play, it took up more of his time, but that only lasted for so long.
And suddenly Sam was back and it was like he had never left. They fell back into their friendship easily and Artie was happier than he had been since the other boy left. His feelings hadn't subsided at all – if anything they had gotten stronger. Artie had long since accepted that he felt something for Sam other than friendship. His heart would skip a beat whenever Sam's name popped up on his phone and he found himself almost shivering in anticipation for their Skype sessions.
But he still kept himself from saying anything. He had no idea what Sam's sexual orientation was (although it had been a hot topic of debate among the Glee club members) and he didn't want to risk anything. He had opened his heart to Tina and Brittany and been betrayed both times. After putting that much time, effort, and love into a person only for them to turn around and throw it back in his face had been the most hurtful thing that had ever happened to him. And it had happened twice in less than a year; yet he had to put a smile on his face and pretend he was okay with it.
He didn't know if he could handle that hurt and upset again; at least not this soon. He cared so deeply about Sam that he knew it would hurt just as much, even though the two of them weren't actually together. It would also mean that he would lose Sam as a friend and he didn't think he could go through that again either, especially since this time it would be for good.
So he kept his feelings bottled up inside of him, hoping everyday that there would be something, some chance that he could take. He couldn't remember the last time he had longed for someone like this, wishing that they would love him back, but with no hope that it would actually happen. It became almost a physical ache when he looked at Sam and knew that he couldn't have him.
Feedback is much appreciated as always.