They said it couldn't be done! That I, Mantichorus, could not write a half-decent humour fic!!! But I shall prove them wrong!
NANAKI: Not today, though.
…No. Nanaki, as you're here, disclaimer, please!
NANAKI: Very well. Mantichorus does not own any of the characters in this fan fiction- they are all owned by Square-Enix and AOL/Time Warner. If he did own us, Vincent would have his own game, Zauriel would have his own comic, and Winter would not have left the WildStorm continuum.
Key:
"…" Speech.
(…) Whispering.
{…} Scene details, actions etc.
… Telepathic communication.
[…] Details of origin. [DCU] is DC Comics, [DCU/V] is Vertigo, and [WS] is WildStorm.
* * * * *
{Tifa's Seven Heaven. Vincent and Cid are having a drink.}
VINCENT: "I tell you, if I see Mantichorus again, I will not be held responsible for my actions."
CID: "I dunno why yer complainin', Vince mate. At least your getting work from him. Tight ass stopped the 'Chasing the Wind' project almost as soon as it started."
VINCENT: "I believe that was because a friend of his convinced him that, quote; 'There was no bloody way that Rufus survived that explosion!' Unquote."
CID: "… {Takes a swig of his beer.} Don't see why that Shinra SOB had to be involved anyway…"
VINCENT: "Well, how else were you supposed to learn…?"
?????: "NOOOOOOO!!! {A mysterious figure enters and stands between Vincent and Cid.} Phew! Made it!"
CID: "Who are you, mysterious figure?"
?????: "My name is… {Pauses for dramatic effect.} Manitou Raven. [DCU]"
{Tifa and Cloud enter, struggling over the enormous weight of the beer barrels they've just brought up from the cellar.}
CLOUD: "Same every Friday." {Puts his barrel down.}
TIFA: "Yeah. You woulda thought that Cid would realise that, as Vincent can metabolise any poison, there is no way Cid will win a drinking contest with him… Who's that?" {Points at Raven.}
RAVEN: "I am… {Pauses for dramatic effect.} Manitou Raven."
VINCENT: "Who?"
RAVEN: "Manitou Raven. Come on, I served with the JLA for a while! {The assembled members of AVALANCHE stare at him blankly for a while.} The same group with Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern… Ring any bells? {Blank faces.} Oye. {Rolls his eyes.} Look, Mantichorus sent me… {Feels the Death Penalty against his forehead.} …You know him, then?"
VINCENT: "I'm using my agreed time-off from 'Of Ancient Blood'! He can't force me to…"
RAVEN: "Actually, he sent me to; a- prevent you from giving away part of his plot for 'Chasing the Wind'. He may restart it someday. And b- offer you a place in a humor fic he's starting. You'd be the presenter. TV show format, apparently…"
VINCENT: "Hmm. Okay. Lead on Raven! {Does his hand-movement thang that Fujin nicked for FF8… You know what I mean…}"
{GARY COLEMAN: "What're you talkin' about, Mantichorus?"}
{Oye…}
* * * * *
{Mantichorus is ordering several people around, when he is approached by Zauriel. [DCU]}
ZAURIEL: {Coughs politely.}
MANTICHORUS: "{Swirls around.} Wh--? Zauriel!! I thought I made it clear that…"
ZAURIEL: "He wants a biscuit."
MANTICHORUS: "Who does?"
ZAURIEL: "The guy the others and I are guarding."
MANTICHORUS: "Oh. Right. Here's some digestive biccies. {Hands over said biscuits.}"
ZAURIEL: "Thanks. {Walks off.}"
{Raven and Vincent enter.}
RAVEN: "I found him, chief."
MANTICHORUS: "Thanks, Manitou. Take five, yeah? {Raven walks off.} That crazy shaman… So, Vincent- will you be accepting my offer?"
VINCENT: "Depends… What's gonna happen in this show? {Glares at Mantichorus.}"
MANTICHORUS: "Well… STOP GLARING AT ME, YOU WEIRD SOB!!! {Vincent complies.} Cheers. Now, what was I…? Oh, yeah. This guy'll put various theories to the test, and you'll present him. The humour bit comes from the fact that he's a right little twat, and he'll sod it up some of the time. You get to point out when he mucks up."
VINCENT: "Very well… Why's this in the Final Fantasy Crossover section?"
MANTICHORUS: "Apart from the guy who brought you in, and… Did you see Zauriel? {Vincent nods.} Look at this list. {Shows Vincent a really long list.}"
VINCENT: "Whoa. Those are some pretty tough guys… Zauriel, Sephiroth, Amarant Coral… Are these his bodyguards?"
MANTICHORUS: "Actually they're just to prevent him from running amok. The Turks are providing Security…"
VINCENT: "Hang on. WHO-IS-IT?"
MANTICHORUS: "(…Hojo.)"
VINCENT: "Sorry, I didn't hear you right as you whispered. I thought you said Hoj… I heard you right didn't I? {Mantichorus nods.} Why would I agree to appear along side Hojo?"
MANTICHORUS: "£500. Per show."
VINCENT: "Five hundred poun… That's what? Quad 9 Gil? {For those of you that don't know, quad 9 means 9999. Similarly, if you see trip 9, it's 999. Capeesh?} I'll do it."
MANTICHORUS: "Excellent! Places everyone! Prepare for…"
Mantichorus Presents…Professor Hojo's Experiments!!!
VINCENT: "Welcome. Today on Professor Hojo's Experiments, we'll be investigating- did birds evolve from dinosaurs? Please welcome… Ho-jo!" {Pre-recorded applause. Hojo's wheeled in by several powerful individuals. As well as those mentioned earlier, there's also Grifter [WS], Winter from [WS], John Constantine [DCU/V], and Dr Fate [DCU]. BTW, Hojo's strapped up like Hannibal Lecter… Zauriel releases him, and all the guards back off.}
HOJO: "Tee-hee-hee-hee! Anyone want Jenova cells???"
VINCENT: "(Blast Mantichorus and the almighty Gil…) So Hojo, can you think of an experiment to test if birds are descended from dinosaurs?"
HOJO: "Hmm. {Scratches his head like Winnie the Pooh.} Ah-ha! Mantichorus- I'll need..."
MANTICHORUS {Off-camera}: "(Don't talk to me!!! Let the Martian Manhunter know telepathically!!!)"
HOJO: "Okay! {Does so. Void [WS] teleports in with items.} Thank you. Now- observe: velociraptor."
RAPTOR: {Screeches.}
VINCENT: O_o
HOJO: "Now, I'll inject it with… {Pulls out unfeasibly big needle.}"
VINCENT: O_o
RAPTOR: O_o
HOJO: "…Jenova cells!!! {Does so.}"
VINCENT: O_O {Anime sweat drop.}
RAPTOR: OxO
HOJO: "Now… Scene change!!! {They are suddenly on top of the Shinra building in Midgar.} Now, I'll put this camera on its head. {It's one of those which fits on the animals head- you know, titchy-cam.} Now, turn that on. {Vincent turns 'that' on. A TV screen with the words 'Raptor-cam' appears.} Now… {Hojo pushes Raptor off the roof.}"
RAPTOR: Help meeeeee!!!
VINCENT: "O_O The raptor's telepathic?!"
{Off camera…}
MANTICHORUS: "Bugger me. He's right!"
ZAURIEL: {Quietly informs Mantichorus of what he just said.}
MANTICHORUS: "O_O Nobody take that literally!!!"
{Back on-camera…}
HOJO: {Looking at screen} "Now, if dinosaurs are descended from birds, he will fly up-up-up to the heavens!!! Wibble."
VINCENT: "Uh-huh… O_o Wait… what did you say?"
HOJO: "Wibble."
VINCENT: "No… before that… {Realises what has happened.} Hojo, you baka! You were supposed to see if BIRDS were descended from DINOSAURS, not the other way 'round!!!"
HOJO: "…"
VINCENT: "…"
HOJO: "…Bollocks. {Raptor-cam is now VERY close to the ground, and then breaks off into static.} Ballsed that up, didn't I?"
VINCENT: "(Bloody hell! Mantichorus… You better pay up!) Anyway, that's the end of today's Professor Hojo's Experiments. Mantichorus wishes me to ask you to 'R&R' and give him ideas for any future experiments. He also hopes that you enjoyed this fic, and will frequent it again in the future. Goodbyeee."
A/N: You heard the ex-Turk! R&R! Please, I need some more ideas…Hope you enjoyed this and will read the next one!