Based off the song 'If You Could See Me Now' by The Script
I moved slowly, savouring the chance to soothe my muscles. The mission had been another failure, and we'd lost more men than necessary, as usual. I slumped down on my bed, feeling my age slowly catch up to me.
Sometimes I wonder what would have changed if my team were still here, my comrades. What would they say? What would they do? What would she-
I can see her sometimes. Cheering me on, keeping me going. Riding next to me. Fighting the titan with me.
Sometimes there are days when I honestly don't think I can go on anymore. What's the point in living, when she was one of the best I could find at what we do?
She would always help me at times like these, calm me, and I can almost hear her voice.
"Just take that rage, take it with you, then release it when you fight. Then you can beat all the rest and show them how you became Humanity's Strongest Soldier."
I'm only trying to make her proud. I'm trying to help her remember who I am. I hope she tells the people up there that I'm helping. That I care. I hope she's up there, watching over me and saying "That's him. That's my soldier, my hero."
-
Would she even see me as the same person anymore? The same person who she told she respected greatly?
What would she think now.
Would she congratulate me, criticise me?
Would she take me in her arms, wipe away the tears of frustration, take the heart that she left so cold?
I can see her here, standing before me, smiling softly.
I trusted her to kill the female titan, I should have stayed. I shouldn't have left. But I can hear her now, telling me that I'm wrong. That I did the right thing.
I almost chuckle. I feel so weak. I never felt like this.
But then again, I suppose people are right when they say you don't know what you have until it's gone.
I can still see the look in her fathers eyes when he spoke to me. Telling me how she would have dedicated her life to me. I would have married her, I know I would. I never told anyone, not even her. But I would have married her. She was one of the few that cared.
Jesus, I miss her.
-
Would she call me a saint for the people I have saved? A sinner for the lives and family I have cost so many?
Would she still continue to love me now? After I've lost so many battles over the ones I have won?
I get up, moving to look in the mirror. I can feel her presence, I just wish it was real, rather than my sanity draining away. I look at the metal object to the side of the mirror, picking it and and tossing it gently between my fingers. The guilt is more than I can bear, thinking of the lives I cost my team. I press the metal to my forehead, flinching at the cold surface against my skin. I slowly pull the trigger and-
I don't hear a bang, I don't feel anything. I am in the same place I was before. I frown, wondering if I should have checked the bullets first.
I turn away from the reflective surface, and I can see her.
Short, ginger hair, bright brown eyes. She's sitting on the bed when she looks up, smiling softly at me. She pats the seat next to her and I move slowly, hesitant to look at her yet desperate to touch her.
I lower myself to sit on the bed, and I turn to her. Our eyes make contact, and I have to hold back from kissing her for a moment.
She is my guardian angel...
She stopped the bullets, she stopped my death. She's telling me to go on, but... I can't hear her.
She rests a hand on my cheek, tears gently rolling down hers, and I can feel her. She holds a sad smile on her face, but I can't remember asking why.
I press my forehead gently against hers', taking in the scent.
She looks at me, expecting me to say something, and I pause. I've missed her, so very much, but how do I explain...?
"I still look for your face in the crowd... Looking over the faces of the civilians, the soldiers...
Do you stand in disgrace or take a bow at the thought of the things I have done...?"
Her eyes fill up with tears again as she kisses me, and I realise I can't breathe.
-
If I'm not mistaken, Hange and Erwin came to look for me after they heard a gunshot. They both stared in shock, and sadness, when they saw my lifeless body, brains blown out onto the cold wooden floorboards.
It took them twenty minutes to take my body, cover it, and take it downstairs.
It took them two hours to clean my blood off the floor.
It took them twelve minutes to tell the troops what had happened to me, saying I had succumbed to grief.
And once again, if I'm not mistaken, it took them 3 minutes till they couldn't watch my body burn any longer.
I suppose I'm happy, but I suppose I'm not.
"Tell me, Petra. What would you say if you could see me now?"