After the interrogation of Rebecca Jane thinks about his future and what the team and Teresa Lisbon really mean to him. Spoilers for episode 2.08 His Red Right Hand.
I'm not a good writer, but lately all those Mentalist stories keep flying around in my head, I just have to write them down.
Needless to say that I own none of the characters.
He couldn't
He was lying on his couch pretending to be asleep. But he couldn't sleep. Not after all that had happened the last few days. After interrogating Rebecca he had considered leaving the CBI or at least asking to be put with another team. At first he had been relieved to get the Red John case back. But when he realised that he was yet again responsible for some people's deaths, that Red John had only killed Sam Bosco's team to get him back on the case, he was crushed. Five years ago Red John had taken everything he cared about away from him and today he finally had to find out that Red John knew way more about him than he ever thought he did. While he still sat in the interrogation room shocked by the insight he'd just gained, Rigsby, Van Pelt and Cho entered the room. He could feel Cho's hand touching his shoulder reassuringly and all of them were obviously worried about the impact that interrogation had had on him. He was really touched by their concern, but he didn't want them to worry about him, so he told them he was ok, tough he wasn't. It was in that moment that he realised how much they really cared about him. What if Red John found out? What if he realised how close he had become to the people he worked with every day? What if Red John saw that he, Patrick Jane, had a something close to a new family, people that didn't only care about him but he himself had grown fond of more than he would ever openly admit to anyone? What if . . .? At the thought of what Red John would do to anyone close to him if he only knew Jane felt a could shudder going down his spine. He couldn't take the guilt of anyone else close to him getting killed because of him, he just couldn't . . .
But leaving the team? Leaving those people he had grown so fond of the last few months? Wouldn't Red John know anyway why he left and go after them nonetheless or even all the more? No, he couldn't leave . . .
While he was lying on the couch, he could hear how Rigsby, Cho and VanPelt one after another left for the night. Although he kept his eyes closed and went on pretending to be asleep, he knew that Teresa Lisbon still was in her office as he hadn't heard her footsteps leave yet. How much he wished that he could just join her in her office and comfort her, take care of her. The last few days she had lost two people who were close to her: Sam Bosco had died and Vigil Minell had quit his job, both terrible blows to her. Although she pretended she was ok, Jane knew she wasn't. How he wished he could be there for her, take care of her as he had promised Sam Bosco. But since he had tried to take Bosco off the Morphine drip and she had called him a cold bastard, she was professionally distant to him. He could have explained everything to her: That Bosco and him were very alike in that matter, that they both would rather live in pain than letting Red John get away. After the death of his wife and child he had been close to putting an end to the pain he felt, to this mind numbing pain he felt when he thought about their deaths and his guilt. But in the end, he swore to himself that Red John wouldn't get away with what he had done to him, that he would rather stand every pain in the world then letting Red John get away. And although he really disliked Sam Bosco, he knew that as far as that aspect was concerned, they agreed: Avoiding pain shouldn't be a reason to let Red John get away. He could have explained all that to Lisbon and sure she would have understood that he hadn't been cold, but desperate and famililar with Sam Boscos situation, although his own pain had never been physical. But he couldn't explain that to her, not now, not as long as Red John was alive . . .
He had come to the conclusion that it was better if she kept thinking that he was a cold bastard. In that way, she was in less danger of one day getting killed by Red John for being too close to Jane. It would allow them to have a normal boss-employee relationship which didn't put her in any danger of getting killed by the person who had already taken so much away from him. Patrick's heart was breaking at the thought that he had lost this friendship which had meant everything in the world to him. But she was better off hating him, he couldn't tell her how much he was hurting at the thought of her calling him a cold bastard. Oh how much those words were hurting him, but she was right, she was better off without him . . .
He couldn't tell her . . . .
Suddenly he could hear her footsteps. But she wasn't leaving, she was slowly approaching his couch on tiptoes. Over the last few months, he had become an expert pretending to be asleep, because he hardly ever could sleep but didn't want Lisbon and the team to worry about him. So he pretended to be asleep now and then, just to reassure them, and so he kept pretending now. When he felt a soft kiss on his cheek, his heart skipped a beat. He could feel that she was slowly sitting down on the floor beside his couch, her back against the couch, resting her head half on the couch, half on his left arm. As the relieve that he hadn't lost her friendship and the fear about what might happen to her if Red John ever found out were struggling in him, he couldn't hold back a sob nor stop a tear from running down his cheek. She hand only flinched a little when she realized he wasn't asleep and while she softly kissed the tear away from his cheek, he took her hand, pressed a soft kiss on it and then held it close to his heart, her hand in his. They stayed in that position for a long while, both of them longing for closeness and the comfort of the other, needing no words to express their feelings.
It was then Patrick realized that he couldn't take losing her friendship.
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