Understanding Paula pt 5

Paula's drunk and there's many a true word spoken in jest

Its a sunny Sunday morning. Paula walks into the church with all her might and strength. She slowly makes her way to the confessional and greets the pastor.

Paula: Dear Father, i have a confession to make today.

Pastor: Carry on my child. Remember God loves us no matter what our sins. So dont hold back.

Paula: Yeah sure. So what happened was,yesterday night as usual I was working in the ER department. And just to clear things up, those TV shows like ER and Gray's Anatomy having nothing on the real one. Like puh-lease(Paula makes her best Ms Jay "girl from the hood" expression), We dont just hook up with doctors and nurses! I for one dont even treat the patient unless he or she has nice hair. Hair is extremely essential. Thats the only thing you can grab onto when you're doing the deed right? By the way, your wife has beautiful hair father. (Paula takes a moment to reminiscent) Yup. Definitely great hair.

Paula: Anyways, they rushed in this patient who was "supposedly" having a full body muscle spasm. Ofcourse, i refused to treat the patient. I'm not one to be fooled.I mean i'm not THAT stupid. I've seen all four seasons of So You think you can dance and I know how these boys are. They like to do head stands and twist their bodies into all these shapes. Oh I loooveee those boys (Paula gives an appreciative nod before continuing) So I grabbed a chair, settled donw and waited for Ashton Kutcher to show up. I waited and waited. I mean can you believe the nerve of these people! It was the ER department you know! People can die there if proper attention was not given and here these goons were wasting my time for a show that i so do not watch.

Pastor: Was it really a prank dear? What happened next?

Paula: I have to give the boy some credit father, his acting was spot on and the stamina! Like my stamina's damn good after all these years faking it for Arthur but gosh, this boy was wriggling and twisting for the entire 20 minutes! That was when i got reminded of you father. The time when you said that talent is god-given and it should be recognised. So i discreetly wrote my number on the boy's forehead. Another 10 minutes passed and then the crackhead came running towards me.

Dr Ben: Dr Carlin! Why the hell is the patient still here and what's that on his forehead?

Paula: Yeah Dr Obvious. We're still waiting for the camera crew to show up.

Dr Ben: Paula! What the hell?

Paula: You know Ashton Kutcher? Demi Moore's wife?

Dr Ben: (shouts to the nurses) Get this boy treated right this instant! (to Paula) You and I need to talk.

Paula: You bet we do asshole. Glen's still crying over your inconsiderate actions.

Dr Ben: This is completely unrelevant to the situation but what the fuck did I do to him?

Paula: YOU were completely selfish by refusing Aiden his Steriods and when Aiden's pmsing, Glen gets no action. Glen no action equals to Daytime soap opera!

Dr Ben; Forget the talking Paula, you're suspended.

Paula: Oh fuck off dumbass, I QUIT! I'd rather whore Arthur out then treat your nasty hairy patients you loser. (Paula gives Ben the finger before walking away pompously)

(Paula takes a huge gulp off her flask before resuming her confessional)

Paula: So I walked back to my office to clear my stuff but that's when i realised that i had too many vodka bottles to carry back home. I had to quickly think on my feet Father! I seeked God for a solution and hola! There was the water dispenser in the staff lounge. I had to painstakingly replace all the water with vodka but it paid off it seems. Did you read today's headlines?

Pastor: Do you mean this was the reason behind the lawsuit against the hospital for misdemeanor, malpractice and indecent exposure?!

Paula: Yeah, can you believe these people father? They need to stop being so petty and lighten up.

(Paula takes another sip from her flask before continuing)

Paula: So when i woke up this morning i was already sooo smashed. Thank god Ashley was around and had some asprin with her. That girl is truly a gift father. Aiden might have the muscles but Ashley's the bomb! You have to call in Spencer to have a girl to girl chat with her man. That girl's not too keen on sharing when it comes to Ashley. Lord says Good things needs to be shared right? Like you're the ambassodor for charity Father. Staying overnight in church so that I can have some quality time with your wife? That's a true man identity right there.

Pastor: You mean you're having an affair with my wife?!

Paula: Dont worry father,I understand your utmost concern and i do have your family's welfare at heart. Thats why i try to equally divide my precious time for your son and daughter too.

Pastor: I can't believe this.

Paula: Believe it Father. Good things happen to good people. And you just have to accept that you're an amazing man. Anyways, I've got to run now. My dealer's slightly short fused. (Paula does her classic Bimbo laugh) And also please tell your son that we have to unceremoniously postpone his surgery due to the hosipital's unfortunate situation and my current umemployed state.

Pastor: What surgery? You're definitely not coming near my son after this!

Paula: Oh please dont worry yourself. I wont bother with him after the surgery, Despite my tremendous affection towards the ladyboys, they're not my top choice late night entertainment. Anyways as for penitence for my sins, i'll donate Glen to the service of the Church. Trust me, he'll be glad to be under your Service Father.

(Paula gives him an obvious wink before strutting off for another day with the worrld trying to understand herself)

The End.