Useless Notes: Consider this a Christmas gift from me to everyone who read The Thing about Boys and wanted more. Here's the "sequel" (if you can call it that) for you guys. And for the RenjixRukia shippers, this goes out to you as well.
Forgive the length though. It's a bit longer than its predecessor after all.
Disclaimer: If Bleach belonged to me, I'd make sure the Shinigami Men's Association would really have a list like this. It's important that they understand things about the females, you know…
Enjoy!
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The Thing about Girls
1. Learn to never underestimate them. Because as much as we try to deny it, a blow from a woman will always hurt.
"HA! You're goin' down, Kotetsu!" Kotsubaki yelled, swinging his bamboo sword down.
"Not if I can help it Kotsubaki! HIYAH!" Kiyone dodged the attack and swung hers towards his waist.
Kotsubaki grinned and jumped over her sword. "Oh yeah?!"
"Yeah!" Kiyone grinned back and blocked his next attack.
Meanwhile, at the further side of the training room, two men sat and discussed the match.
"Man, this has got to be the noisiest sparring match ever," Kaien complained and started to scratch his right ear.
Ukitake smiled and turned his attention back to the match.
"So taichou, what do you think about 'em?" Kaien suddenly asked, causing Ukitake to turn around. "I mean… nothing against you or anything, but you made 'em both third seat. You gotta have some reason for that, huh?"
"They're a very lively duo," the white-haired captain replied simply. "And I think they're both evenly-matched and equally deserving for the position."
Kaien contemplated on his captain's answer and chuckled quietly to himself. "Equally deserving, huh."
"Although I do think…" Ukitake put his hand to his chin. "I do think Sentaro shouldn't underestimate Kiyone so much. It could cost him the match."
"Eh?" Kaien suddenly turned to his captain skeptically, then turned his attention back to the match. Beside him, Ukitake smiled knowingly.
"Come on Kotetsu!" Kotsubaki continued to dodge his opponent's attacks. "Is that all you got?!"
"Dammit Kotsubaki, stay still would ya?" Kiyone grunted and continued to swing her bamboo weapon towards her opponent.
"And get hit by you, pipsqueak?" Kotsubaki laughed and let his sword down momentarily to get into an attacking stance. "This ends now!"
A crucial mistake. A small opening. A well-timed attack. Kiyone had landed her hit at last.
"ITAI!!!" Kotsubaki yelled out, trying to wipe the smoke away from his face.
Ukitake turned to a wide-mouthed Kaien and gave him an all-knowing what-did-I-tell-you smile.
Kaien stared back unbelievingly at his captain and watched him go over to the two to check on poor Kotsubaki. The guy would have to be wearing ice for a week, Kaien reckoned.
"Don't underestimate her, huh." Kaien grinned lazily to himself and exited the training compound to get some ice for the third seat. He would love to challenge that Kotetsu-girl for a match of his own one day.
Just to see if she was really that good.
2. When she does hit you, suck it in and take it like a man. Chances are, you probably started it anyway.
"Na Jyu-chan," Kyouraku grabbed his friend's shirtfront and started to shake him furiously. "Jyu-chan, Jyu-chan, Jyu-chaaaan."
Ukitake sighed and readjusted his uniform.
"She did it again, didn't she," he shook his head as soon as he saw the bruise on his friend's head. "When will you ever learn… What did you do this time?"
"Jyu-chan."
"Shunsui."
"I merely suggested to Nanao-chan that I help her out with the paperwork."
"And?"
"Then, she smelled the sake on my breath," Kyouraku grinned sheepishly when he saw Ukitake bury his face into his palm. "But you should have smelled the nice new perfume she was wearing, Jyu-chan! Aay, heavenly!"
The other captain couldn't help but chuckle at the sudden mood shift his friend had displayed.
"Ay Jyu-chan, I'm telling you," Kyouraku smiled blissfully. "As long as a woman smells that good, who cares about the bruises on you head? Ahh, my sweet, lovely Nanao-chan… Nobody does it quite like you."
"Whatever you say, Shunsui," Ukitake smiled back. "Man, have you got it bad…"
3. Don't ever say anything you think she won't want to hear… or else.
"She gets worse everyday, man," Omaeda moaned to Hisagi. "It's like there's no end to it…"
"Aw cheer up," the tattooed shinigami patted his friend's back. "I'm sure it's not that bad."
"But it is!" Omaeda continued. "All she ever does is make us run around and jump on tree branches and all this other ninja stuff… It's just torture. How can she be so harsh?"
"I'm sure the training'll do you good one day," Hisagi comforted. "I mean, you are from the Second Division, right? And isn't your captain the head of the Stealth Force of Soul Society? See? It all makes sense, right?"
"I mean, it's not my fault…" the big, burly shinigami plodded on, ignoring Hisagi. "Look at me! Does she actually think I can run around with a body build like this?! It's insane! She's insane!"
"Eh…" Hisagi stuttered and tried to stop his friend from saying anything more. Unfortunately, Omaeda didn't catch the hint.
"A little consideration would be nice!" he continued to complain. "My captain gets harsher everyday and here I am, getting punished and injured for no real reason at all!"
"So that's what you think about it?" a new voice said from behind Omaeda. He was so caught up in his monologue, that he didn't even notice.
"Absolutely!" he agreed and nodded his head. "And what's more-"
"Oi Omaeda, behind you!" Hisagi pointed, sweating like crazy.
"Eh?" he asked, turning around. "What's the- TAICHOU?!"
Soifon grinned and gave him a little wave.
"Hello Omaeda," she greeted. "I couldn't help but drop in on your little conversation. It was a very interesting one, you see. I hope you forgive my rudeness."
"N-no taichou, you don't understand…" her fukutaichou nervously sweatdropped, slightly miffed to find out that Hisagi had ditched him.
"Don't understand what?" Soifon's voice suddenly became more hostile and unfriendly than the previous one. "What did I say about our training sessions, Omaeda?"
Omaeda could swear he saw dark clouds swirling around his captain's head then.
"But it was one harmless comment, taichouAAAAH!"
…
Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away from there, Hisagi prayed for Omaeda's soul.
4. You never, ever pick on 'em when they're in groups. The results can be really nasty.
Renji grunted to himself as he walked along the dusty road towards the Thirteenth Division. He was to see Rukia that afternoon to see if she would be interested in having dinner with him later that evening.
After a few more minutes of walking, he finally saw her at the gates of her quarters, walking with Matsumoto, Nanao and Kiyone. Ignoring the company, he put a hand to his mouth and yelled an "Oi midget!" at Rukia.
Big mistake.
As soon as that came out of his mouth, all four women turned and looked at him.
"Excuse me?!" Matsumoto (angrily) walked up to Renji and jabbed a finger in his chest. "What did you just say?"
"Yeah!" Kiyone piped in, momentarily forgetting that he was a vice-captain. "Who do you think you are, calling people that?"
"E-eh… I was only calling-" Renji pointed out weakly, not being able to stand up to the three very scary, angry women.
"It seems that Abarai-fukutaichou here…" Nanao turned to a very amused Rukia. "…doesn't owe you your due proper respect."
Renji sweatdropped nervously.
"Yeah, he called you a midget!" Kiyone put in. "That wasn't very nice!"
"Is there anything you want to say to Abarai-fukutaichou, Rukia-san?" Nanao asked, while eyeing Renji suspiciously.
"Nothing really," Rukia stuck out her tongue. "Except that I'd be glad to have dinner with him tonight after you're through with him."
"Wait, Rukia! " Renji yelled out desperately. "Don't leave me here! Wait, I'm sorry! Rukia!"
But it was no use. Rukia had already left him to suffer his fate alone.
"It's a little too late for apologies, Renji!" Matsumoto smirked. "What's done is done."
"Wait a minute…" Renji grinned at them nervously. "Matsumoto-san, Ise-san, Kotetsu-san… Can't we talk about this at least?"
All three women paused and looked down at a shivering Renji.
"Nope!" Kiyone chirped. "No can do!"
Matsumoto grinned evilly at him. "It's your own fault, Renji. Now suffer!"
"Agreed," Nanao fixed her glasses.
Renji gulped as the three women cornered him and blocked out what was left of the sun in his line of vision.
This was going to be a long afternoon.
5. Women today are different and more independent than before. Don't help them unless they ask for it.
"Man, you ain't ever gonna believe what happened today," Iba said excitedly to Ikkaku.
"Yeah?" his friend replied before drinking his beer. "Shoot."
"Well, I was standing at over there at the library, see," Iba started, sipping on his own glass. "When alluvasudden, I see who else but Ise, tryin' ta reach up for this book."
"Ise-san?" Yumichika asked suddenly. "From the Fifth Division?"
"Yeah," Iba nodded. "Who else?"
"… The hell were you doin' inside the library?" Ikkaku snorted. "Tryin' to get some brains?"
"Ah shaddap," Iba grunted. "Was just tryna do a little research for Komamura-taichou."
"Well, what happened next?" Yumichika asked impatiently.
"Oh. Right," Iba replied, suddenly remembering he was supposed to be telling a story. "Well anyway, she's obviously havin' a real hard time just gettin' the damn thing, so I go over there an' you know- try ta help her out, know what I mean?"
The two nodded mutely in reply to show that they did know what he meant.
"So I go over there an' bein' the gentleman that I am, I reached up an' brought the book right down for her. But then, she gives me that look. You know… that look? Know what I mean?"
They nodded their heads again to show that they did.
"So she's just lookin' at me an' then, she kicks me right in my goddamn leg!"
Ikkaku laughed out loud, but Iba ignored this and went on. "And then she gives me some bullcrap about women not relyin' on men an' all that. She gives me alla that after I tried to help her! Can ya imagine that?"
"Women today…" Ikkaku agreed. "They're all whacked-up now. Not like they were before."
"The nerve of some women," Iba snorted. "Unbelievable."
"I actually don't blame Ise-san for what she did, you know," Yumichika spoke up. "Women are proud people too, just like us and she probably saw what you did as an act of pity instead of an act of generosity. You have to understand her, Iba-san. Don't take it against her."
"So you're sayin'…" Ikkaku raised an eyebrow. "… Is that it was mostly her fault instead 'a his?"
"Hell yeah!" Iba cheered, without waiting for Yumichika's reply. "That's what I'm talkin' about!"
"I'll drink to that, brother!" Ikkaku laughed, raising his glass.
"Amen!" Iba replied, doing the same. "You in, Yumichika?"
Yumichika sighed and gave up trying to talk some sense into two of the densest people he's ever known. No matter how much he'd try to convince them, he knew it would take them light years to understand.
He smiled helplessly and raised his glass. He sure was going to drink to that.
6. But that doesn't mean you can't be a gentleman and help her when she looks like she really, really needs it.
It was a late afternoon when Hisagi found himself walking to the nearby supplies shop to buy himself some new towels.
It came as a surprise to him that he would find Nemu Kurotsuchi of the Twelfth Division coming towards him, her hands full with boxes and boxes of stuff.
He quickened his pace and made his way towards her, eager to help her out with whatever she was trying to carry.
The stuff looked pretty heavy anyway.
"Yo, Kurotsuchi-san!" he greeted.
"Hisagi-fukutaichou of the Ninth Division." she greeted back.
"A-anou…" he paused, a bit surprised with her long reply. "Do you need any help?"
"The offer is very polite of you, but it is unnecessary," she shook her head politely. "I am capable of bringing the apparatus myself."
Hisagi raised an eyebrow and persisted. "Are you sure? That stuff looks pretty heavy,"
"It is no burden for me to carry out my duty for Mayuri-sama," she answered. "However, your offer of help is most appreciated, Hisagi-fukutaichou."
"Aw drop the formalities," he grinned, waving his hand.
"But it is necessary." she replied, not really understanding what Hisagi was driving at.
"Well it's not necessary for me," he said. "Besides, we're friends. You can be as informal as you want with me and I wouldn't mind."
"Friends." she repeated, as if the word was completely foreign to her.
"Sure we are!" Hisagi smiled. "Now do you need help with those or what?"
Nemu paused momentarily and examined the smiling Hisagi from head to foot, and tilted her head, as if debating with herself on whether she'd accept his offer or not.
Then, just as Hisagi was about to give up and walk off, she gave him a small smile.
"I suppose…" she started. "I suppose I could use your help…"
He grinned widely, waiting for her to continue.
"You can take the test tubes and the other glasswares."
And with that, she handed him the two boxes her right hand was carrying and moved on ahead. Hisagi's smile grew wider and fell into step beside her, holding the boxes with care.
"Don't worry Kurotsuchi-san," he promised. "I'll be careful."
She gave him that small smile again and nodded.
"Arigatou, Hisagi… san."
The already huge smile on Hisagi's face grew even wider and he couldn't get his head out of the clouds as they continued to walk off to the Science and Research Bureau.
But somewhere at the back of his mind, he couldn't help but remember that he had forgotten something awfully important…
Oh right. The towels.
He glanced at Nemu, saw the orange sun reflecting in her beautiful, artificial eyes, then turned his attention back to the road.
Those new towels can wait.
7. You need to be fragile when you're with them. Anything you say might cause an unwanted reaction.
"Hey, listen up you two," Matsumoto said to Iba and Ikkaku. "I gotta announcement t'make."
Both shinigami looked up from their drinks and turned to look at her.
"From now on," she said. "I'm going to go on a diet!"
Iba put down his glass. "You are?"
"Yep," she nodded her head proudly. "So I want you two to help me out by not saying anything about food or whatever else's going to make me hungry. Okay?"
"But you're fine just the way you are!" Iba protested. "How can someone like you go on a diet?"
"Forget it man," Ikkaku snorted. "Once a woman believes she's fat, there's nothin' else you can say to convince her otherwise."
Matsumoto beamed and flashed Ikkaku a thumbs-up. "Exactly! That's exactly it!"
"The hell do you know all that?" Iba turned to Ikkaku.
"Yumichika," came the simple reply.
"So that's it, okay?" Matsumoto grinned. "No saying things that'll make me feel fat or hungry or anything, huh boys?"
"Yeah sure, whatever you say," Ikkaku shrugged.
But Iba thought otherwise. He whined, hoping to convince her one last time to not push through with it. "But it don't really suit ya, Rangiku-chan! You don't haveta go on a diet an' all…"
"Hey fellas!" a new voice called out. "Oh, heya Matsumoto-san."
"Yo Abarai," Ikkaku waved. "What's up?"
"Well there's this new joint that just opened up a few blocks from here," Renji answered, sitting himself down at their table. "It's a restaurant or somethin' like that an' I tell ya what, the food there is really good."
"All the food's really good to ya, Abarai," Ikkaku snorted. "What's the difference this time?"
"Hey, that ain't true!" Renji sputtered, not answering his question. "Is it my fault all the food's so damn good?"
"Yeah, it's a wonder he ain't gettin' fat with all the food he's eatin'," Iba put in, temporarily forgetting that he was supposed to be persuading Matsumoto to not go on with her diet.
"I have fast metabolism, just so you guys know," Renji bragged, his chest swelling with pride.
"Oho, so the boy admits that he does eat," Iba chuckled.
"What, you think I go on diets?"
"Well actually…" Ikkaku started.
"Psh. Dieting's for pansies," the redhead laughed. "Eh, Matsumoto-san?"
Wrong move.
Because in a move done with the swiftness of lightning, Matsumoto raised her fists and with all the power she had in her, she proceeded to beat the crap out of the three men.
And that's just putting it mildly.
When the abuse finally ended, she raised her fist triumphantly, leaving the three men floored with very ugly bruises starting to show up on their faces.
"It really is useless talking to you guys…" she huffed irritably, walking away.
"This is all your fault," Ikkaku growled at Renji. "Comin' in here an' talkin' about that stupid restaurant…"
"Whaddid I do this time?" Renji retorted, still sore from his last encounter with Matsumoto.
"Don't ask," Iba groaned wearily, his head in his hands. "Just don't."
8. You also gotta learn to listen to 'em too. Women have this innate need to be heard.
"Ne, ne Ken-chan! Guess what happened next! Guess!"
"Mm."
"Eh Ken-chan! It's no fun if you don't guess!"
"Mm."
"Ken-chan, Ken-chan, KEN-CHAAAAN!"
"Mmph! Whu- I'm awake, I'm awake…"
"Ken-chan! Guess what happens next!"
"What happens next?! I thought you already finished your story?"
"Eh Ken-chan's not listening again! That was the story before this one! Now I have to start over again!"
"Eh?! The hell, ya little runt?! That's no fair! 'Sides, I still have a shitload of papers ta sign, see?"
"That's Ken-chan's own fault for not listening! And besides, you never do the paperwork anyway! That's Funny-Brow's job!"
"…"
"So, I'll start again from the very beginning again, okay Ken-chan? And you better listen, 'cos I'll be asking questions after! Okay? Ready Ken-chan?"
"Ah goddamnit…"
9. Don't assume things right away when you're with them. Jumping to conclusions equals doom.
"EH?!" Hisagi yelled out in surprise. "Rangiku-chan?! Diet?!"
Iba nodded furiously. "It's true! She said so herself… right after she beat the holy crap out of us anyway. Damn that Abarai…"
"Never mind that!" Hisagi shook Iba. "Why would she want to go on a diet? She's fine the way she is!"
"Exactly what I was tryin' to tell her!" Iba replied. "But believe me Hisagi, she just won't listen."
Hisagi put a hand to his chin and rubbed it thoughtfully. "But if you think about it… Why would she want to go on a diet all of a sudden? Something must have happened, na?"
A light bulb appeared beside Iba's head. "That's right! You're absolutely right!" He paused and assumed the same position his friend was in. "But why would she wanna… Unless she's…"
He looked up at Hisagi and felt that his friend knew exactly what he was talking about.
"You serious?" The Vice-Captain of the Ninth stared at Iba incredulously. When Iba nodded solemnly, he added. "Like, seriously? For real?"
"There's no other way, Hisagi." The Seventh's Vice-Captain replied sagely. "She has to be."
"But pregnant?!"
"Why else would she wanna diet alluvasudden?!"
Hisagi opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. A few minutes later, he looked up at Iba and nodded grimly.
"I wonder who the lucky guy is, though."
Iba sighed and stared up at the sky. "I dunno. Lucky bastard."
Then, Hisagi broke the somber mood and grinned brightly. "Say, Iba! Why don't we get her some baby stuff? You know, so she won't have a hard time with the baby an' all!"
"Sounds great!" Iba visibly brightened up as well. "Whaddabout we start with-"
Just as he was about to finish his sentence, he was cut off as Matsumoto suddenly passed by in front of them. The two men stared at her, eyes wide and shook their heads. They picked themselves up from the street and rushed after her.
"Matsumoto!"
"Rangiku-chan!"
Matsumoto turned around, about to give Hisagi a piece of her mind about that nickname. But the two other Vice-Captains beat her to the punch and immediately blurted everything out.
"Goddamn Matsumoto, you lucky girl! Who's the lucky guy?"
"When did it happen? Why weren't we invited anyway?"
"Wait- what?!" she almost yelled out in confusion. "What are you two going on about again? Did you have too much to drink or what?!"
They paused and turned to each other. Finally, Hisagi told her. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"
It took her a while before she could answer. "NA… NANI?! Pregnant?! Where did you get that?"
"Well, Iba here told me all about your diet…"
"And we been thinkin', see."
"That maybe you're going on a diet to hide something."
"So we thought you were pregnant."
They finished and grinned proudly, proud of their observations. Matsumoto's face expression though, showed otherwise.
"So that's what you think of me, aa?" she growled threateningly. "I knew it! I knew that deep down inside, you knew I was fat!"
Two pairs of eyes widened.
"What?!"
"That's not what we think, Rangiku-chan! Honest!"
But any reasoning was lost on her as she readied her fists for some face-busting. Iba, who had already become used to this kind of treatment, readied himself. Hisagi, who hadn't, wasn't able to ready himself quite well.
Needless to say, the two friends decided to never bring up the topic of pregnancy in front of Matsumoto ever again.
10. They're always right no matter what, so don't even think about countering their decisions.
"But Nanao-chan, just look at him… Isn't he sooo cute?"
His Vice-Captain sighed and rubbed her temples tiredly, feeling another headache coming on. "No taichou. I'm afraid your dog will distract you from doing your job."
"But Nanao-chan, he's not even a dog yet!"
"Fine. The puppy will distract you from doing your job, I'm afraid."
"But Nanao-chan! He won't! I promise!"
"Taichou, listen to yourself. You sound just like a child."
"But Nanao-chan…!"
"Taichou. Who does your paperwork?"
"…" Kyouraku glanced at the puppy sadly.
"Who does your paperwork, taichou?" Nanao could almost smile.
"… You do, Nanao-chan." Her captain sighed. "Okay, you win. I'm sorry, little buddy."
And if only the puppy could speak, he would have comforted Kyouraku. But he didn't. Because as soon as Nanao triumphantly opened the door, the little puppy bolted right out, as if he was eager to leave the office already.
The two saw this and Nanao smirked at her captain. Kyouraku caught her stare and sputtered, immediately defending himself. "What? It's not like I wanted to keep it anyway…"
11. Especially when it comes to directions. Women have a sixth sense about these things.
"Y'know somethin'?" Kenpachi grunted.
Beside him, Unohana smiled serenely. "What would that be, Zaraki-taichou?"
"What I don't get is…" he started, throwing her a death glare. "How in the hell did I get stuck in this shit forest with you?"
He could swear he heard her laugh softly. "Well Zaraki-taichou," she said. "I don't really know why either… Rather, don't you think we should focus on how to get out?"
He grunted. "'S what I've been tryna figure out for some time now… Only problem is, we're stuck at a crossroads."
And what he said was true, for before them lay two different paths leading to two different directions, but looked entirely the same. Which was why Kenpachi was clearly having a hard time deciding which one to take.
"Yachiru'd know which one to take." Kenpachi sighed. "Only she ain't here and I'm stuck with you."
Unohana smiled again- it was really going to drive Kenpachi off the edge, he was sure. "So you've said numerous times already, Zaraki-taichou. Unfortunately, complaining about it won't get us anywhere."
"Hmph," the burly Eleventh Division captain shrugged. "I dunno 'bout you, but I say we go right."
"Hold on for a minute, Zaraki-taichou," the calm Fourth Division captain suddenly said. "Why would you want to go right?"
He paused. "Well." Kenpachi started, not knowing why he picked to go that way. ""S what everyone else picks, right? People always wanna go right, don't they?"
She smiled a little at his simple reasoning, but turned serious afterwards. "Don't you think we should go left this time, Zaraki-taichou?"
Kenpachi raised an eyebrow. "Left? But there's always more action on the right side," he reasoned. "An' besides, I'm sure that's what Yachiru woulda pick too… If she weren't stuck with Ikkaku at the office."
"But don't you always get lost with Kusajishi-fukutaichou as your guide?"
"Er."
"So I see no reason on why you would want to pick the right side," she said calmly, although Kenpachi could tell she was already getting annoyed. "I really believe we should take the left side, Zarak-taichou."
"An' how the hell would you know if the left side's the right one?"
Unohana glanced at him and smiled (although Kenpachi could tell she was more than annoyed already by now). "And how would you know if the right side's the right one?"
Kenpachi gulped. He was sure he's never been this afraid of anyone in his entire life before. And scared of a girl, no less! Why the hell did signing up for the Gotei 13 come along with so many obstacles?
"Well then," she smiled again and started walking down the left path, seeing that Kenpachi wasn't going to be answering her question. "Let's go then, shall we?"
xxxxxxxxxx
Later, back at the Fourth Division…
"So, Zaraki-taichou?" Unohana said. "I was right about the left path after all, wasn't I?"
Kenpachi grunted into his glass. "Hmph. Whatever. The right one coulda led us to some Hollows, y'know."
Unohana chuckled. "But what could be so nice about meeting some Hollows? It was such a beautiful afternoon after all."
"I needed the excitement," he made a face, seeing his glass was almost empty. "And the exercise."
"You seem to be enjoying your tea there, Zaraki-taichou," she commented, an amused look on her face. "Would you like some more?"
"Sure makes up for the beer, lemme tell you that," he answered. "And yeah, pour me another."
She smiled as she poured more tea into his glass. "You really are hopeless in directions, aren't you?"
"Shaddap," he snapped. "At least I always find my way to all the action."
"So you do, Zaraki-taichou," Unohana agreed. "So you do."
And he left it at that. He had tea to enjoy after all.
12. With them, it's always the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the solemn truth. You're dead when she finds out you're lyin'.
"Thanks again, Kira!" Renji grinned at an equally happy Kira as they stepped into their room. However, the happiness immediately died down as they almost ran into Hinamori, who was apparently waiting for them to come in.
She walked towards Renji and went straight to the point, shoving her face to his. "You weren't studying with Kira-kun, were you?"
"O-oi, Hinamori…" Renji stalled and threw a panicked glance at Kira, who had chosen this time to exit the room for an early shower. "Dammit…" the redhead muttered under his breath.
"Abarai-kun!" Hinamori's voice instantly brought him back to Earth. "How could you train when you're supposed to be studying? You have a test tomorrow!"
A light bulb appeared beside Renji's head. "But Hinamori," he started, hoping it would work. "I never actually said I was out trainin' with Izuru. We just-"
"You smell like sweat!"
"But that's brain sweat, Hinamori. Never thought kidou would be that hard!"
"You're having the History test tomorrow, not kidou!"
"Uh… That is… Uh." Renji paused. "We were advanced studying, that's all."
"But you never advance study!"
"Well, now I am!"
"No you weren't! You were out sparring!"
"We were studying, Hinamori, trust me! You can even ask Kira if you want!"
But she silently stared up at him, her eyes strangely getting bigger and… wetter. With tears. She was busting out The Face and Renji knew he could never say no to that.
"Aw not now, Hinamori, come on!" he tried to shield his eyes, but to no avail. Hinamori just kept on coming nearer and nearer. "You're no fair, Hinamori! Come on- that's a low blow!"
But it was no use.
"Just… Aw Hinamori…" And try as he might, Renji found that he could not lie. Especially not to That Face. "Okay, fine! I confess! We were out sparring not studying! Happy?!"
Hinamori finally backed down and smiled innocently at Renji, unaware of the torture she put him through. "See? I knew it! Now sit down Abarai-kun, we have a lot of things to go through."
"What?! Now?" he moaned. "Aw come on, can't I at least take a shower?"
She shook her head. "You only got thirty-six items correct on the last test, Abarai-kun."
"Hmph." Renji puffed his chest proudly. "Thirty-six's a good number."
"Out of two hundred items."
He deflated. "Okay fine, you win."
"Oh cheer up Abarai-kun!" she smiled reassuringly. "I'm sure you'll pass tomorrow's test!"
"But studying's stupid." Renji muttered, putting his hand under his chin. Hearing a noise, he turned his head slowly and his eyes widened instantly once he saw Hinamori.
She was pulling out The Face again- with sniffles to boot.
Renji narrowed his eyes, rubbed his head helplessly and finally sighed. "Okay, okay! I'll study hard for tomorrow's test, I promise!"
Needless to say, that brightened up Hinamori immediately. She opened her textbook and started teaching Renji all he needed to know for tomorrow.
It didn't surprise the two that there was still a lot of things Renji didn't know yet. Soon, Kira entered the room bringing food for them and sat down to help Renji out too. It was going to be a long night, but Renji definitely knew that with their help, he would get more than just thirty-six correct answers tomorrow.
13. We don't know how they do it. Women can have things their way and get away with it.
Renji sat on the field outside his division, the setting orange sun bouncing off his face. In his right hand, he held an empty wallet. It used to be full of money, but now, it was quite the opposite. He was also supposed to buy himself a new pair of shades that day, but now, instead of his purchase, only his white scarf was tied on his head.
A lot of things were supposed to have happened, but by the end of the day, Renji was left penniless and without a new pair of shades. But just when he zoned out and started thinking about what could have happened to his money, the answer suddenly hit him.
Rukia.
It had all been Rukia's fault. How the hell had she been able to convince him to buy Chappy instead of his shades?!
Renji stood up, gritted his teeth and started to walk out of the Sixth Division barracks to go find Rukia and give her a piece of his mind. But as soon as he passed through the gate, he ran smack dab into the person he was looking for.
He opened his mouth (and his wallet too, to prove a point), but he was instantly cut off by Rukia, who spoke up first.
"Renji!" she yelled. "What's wrong with you?! You could have run into me, you know!"
Oh boy, was she pissed. Too bad Renji wasn't going to back down either. "What's wrong with me?!" he jabbed a finger to his chest. "You were the one who wasn't looking anyway!"
She huffed in response and crossed her arms defiantly in response. Renji's (tattooed) eyebrow twitched and suddenly remembered his wallet. "Look at what happened to my- ITAI!"
"Well I'm sorry, Renji!" she kicked his shin. "All I did was hurry up over here to thank you nicely for that nice Chappy scarf you bought for me this morning…"
At that reminder, the Vice-Captain's initial anger immediately died down and he broke into a large grin. "Well…" he said, rubbing his head. "You just tell me when you need something again and I'll go get it for ya."
"Idiot." Rukia chuckled. "Do you want to lose your money?"
"Midget."
"What does that have to do with anything?!"
Renji laughed at her reaction. "Never mind," he put his hand on her head. "Let's get you back to your Division. I'm sure my Captain'll kill us once he finds us slacking off."
Rukia nodded. "You mean Nii-sama'll kill you. My captain's way too kind."
"Shaddap."
14. Maybe it's 'cos we're distracted by what we see.
"Oh Kyouraku-taichou!" Matsumoto chirped as she practically pranced into his office.
Kyouraku looked up from the couch. Upon seeing her, he smiled. "Ah Matsumoto-chan." He sat up. "What brings you here? Want another drink tonight?"
She shook her head. "Not right now, taichou, but I was wondering…" She scooted over to the couch and sat beside the lazy captain. "You know how the Shinigami Women's Association has run out of funds lately…"
"Ah yes, yes," he sighed, tipping his hat. "I hear a lot about it from Nanao-chan."
"Well Kyouraku-taichou…" Matsumoto continued to plead in her high-pitched voice. "Do you want to help out your Nanao-chan?"
Kyouraku's eyebrow went up. "Eh? Help her? Of course I do!" He paused. "But what's wrong with you today, Matsumoto-chan? Are you drunk? Hmm, but that's strange. You don't smell like alcohol at all…"
"Kyouraku-taichou, could you please make a small donation to the Association?"
"H-ha?!" he sputtered, trying to avoid Matsumoto's boobs, which were almost dangling already in front of him. "M-Matusmoto-chan, your ah… Your chest…"
She pouted, moving even closer to his face. "Aw taichou… Don't you want to help your fuku-taichou out?"
Kyouraku gulped as his face turned into a deeper shade of red. He swore he had never been that afraid of a woman's… assets in his entire life before this moment.
…
Matsumoto hummed a happy tune to herself as she exited Kyouraku's office, counting a rather thick wad of money.
"So how was it?"
She turned to Nanao, who was waiting in the hallway and gave her a thumbs-up. "I don't know why you thought he wouldn't give anything. Your captain was surprisingly easy to persuade."
15. Or maybe it's 'cos she can be really damn scary when she wants to be.
"What d'you mean there's no sake?!" Ikkaku roared at the now-shivering medic.
"B-but Madarame-san.-"
"AA?!"
"Eep!" And the poor medic ran away from the bald shinigami's bed. Meanwhile, beside Ikkaku, Yumichika groaned and put a hand to his face. This was so unbeautiful.
"Ikkaku," he said. "Please do stop yelling. It's giving me a headache. And it's so unbeautiful too."
"But they don't have any damn sake." Ikkaku reasoned, as if that was excuse enough for his rowdy behavior in the hospital.
Yumichika sighed. "Ikkaku, you're in the Fourth Division, not the Eleventh Division. I don't think you're supposed to yell here."
"He's right, Madarame-san." Isane said, passing by his bed. "And we don't carry any sake in here. It's against the rule."
Ikkaku glared at her. "But the patient's always right!" he yelled. "So where's my damn sake?!"
"Madarame-san, please lower your voice or I'll be forced to call Unohana-taichou."
"I don't give a DAMN who you call!" he continued to shout. "I want my damn-"
"My, but aren't we lively today?" Unohana said with a smile, suddenly appearing beside her Vice-Captain. "Isane, thank you for your hard work. I believe I'll handle things from here."
"Hai!" the tall Vice-Captain bowed and left.
"Now look at what you've done," Yumichika whispered to Ikkaku.
"I don't care." Ikkaku snorted. "Oi, where's my sake?"
Unohana smiled and released some of her reiatsu. "Hasn't Isane already told you? We don't carry sake here. It's against the rule."
"I don't care," the patient stubbornly grunted. "I just want a little-"
"Madarame-san," the Fourth Division captain said sternly. "You will lie down on your bed and stay still. It's best for your body if you rest up here, do you understand?"
Ikkaku, suddenly realizing the gravity of the situation he was in, gulped. "Yes'm."
"Good." Unohana smiled and started to walk away. "My, my Zaraki-taichou's subordinates are always the ones that cause the most trouble these days."
The Fifth Seat glared at the Third Seat. "See? Now I suppose you won't repeat this kind of behavior anymore for your future visits."
Ikkaku nodded dumbly.
"Honestly," his friend shook his head. "Just because it's your first time here, doesn't mean you can act however you want. So unbeautiful of you, Ikkaku."
But Ikkaku wasn't listening. He was too busy trying to lie still and keep quiet in case the scary captain of the Fourth decided to drop by again.
16. If not, then maybe it's 'cos they can also get really damn annoying at times.
"Ne, ne Bya-kun!"
"…"
"Neeeeeee Bya-kun, ne."
"…"
"Is something wrong, Bya-kun? You're not talking at all today…"
"… Is there something you want, Kusajishi-fukutaichou?"
"Bya-kun, d'you still have some of that nice sweet stuff of yours? Ne?"
"… Here."
"Yay! Bya-kun gave me more candy! Thanks Bya-kun! You're soooo kind!"
"Is there anything else?"
"Nope! Thanks again Bya-kun! I'll come back again tomorrow!"
"…"
17. We have a belief that all women are beautiful inside and out.
"Kira-kun…?"
The blond shinigami turned around. "Hinamori-san?" The smile immediately disappeared from his face as soon as he sensed that not everything was all right with his friend. "What's wrong? Did Abarai-kun say something again?"
She shook her head slowly. Then, she looked up at him, then down again, as if hesitating to speak. "Kira-kun…" she asked slowly. "Do you think… Do you think I'm… pretty?"
An eyebrow went up in surprise that she would ask such a question, but Kira immediately regained his composure and replaced his shock with a reassuring smile. "Sure you are. What makes you think otherwise?"
"It's just that…" she replied, wringing her hands tightly. "You know the Academy Ball is coming up in a few days, right?"
He nodded. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a little voice reminded him to go get himself a date already. "Did someone tell you you weren't pretty?"
Again, she shook her head. "It's just that… Nobody's asked me out yet…"
"Really?"
She threw her gaze to the floor, suddenly embarrassed. "I'm sorry!" she bowed. "I know I sound really petty and stupid and shallow, but… I don't really know why, but it seems like a really big deal for me, you know? That no one's asked me out yet…"
Kira cocked his head, unsure of what to say. "Hinamori-kun…"
"I'm sorry, Kira-kun!" she yelled to the floor and turned to sprint out of the room. "I'm so sorry for troubling you like this!"
But before she could run out of the door, a hand on her wrist stopped her midway.
"Hinamori-kun, wait!" And she realized, as she turned around, that it was Kira's turn to start blushing now.
"Kira-kun…?"
He lifted his head to meet her eyes directly. "I'm sorry, Hinamori-kun, but if it's no trouble to you…" he paused. "Would you allow me to take you to the Ball this Friday?"
And for a moment, her heart stopped beating and her whole world seemed to spin. Someone had finally asked her out and it was Kira-kun, no less…!
"… and then I realized that if I didn't have a date by Friday, then I'd go to the Ball without a partner which also means that I'd lose to Abarai-kun, since he's taking Rukia-san to the Ball with him and I- Hinamori-kun?"
She broke into a wide smile (and Kira had to admit, it did look lovely on her face). "A-are you doing this because I asked you before?"
"Ah, no!" he said immediately, letting go of her wrist. "I- I mean… uh…"
"So you're not doing this because you feel sorry that I don't have a date?"
Kira paused, as if shocked by her question, but shook his head forcefully. "That's not it, Hinamori-kun! I asked you, because well… I really did want to… From the start, I mean…"
"Y-you really mean it?" she asked, eyes wide. "Kira-kun! You're really…? You're really asking me out for real?"
He shrugged. "Sure. Why wouldn't I?" Kira then rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "T-that is of course… If you'd like me to…"
She clapped her hands. "I'd love to!"
Kira looked up and smiled at her. "Great!" He paused then, remembering her earlier problem. "Er. Hinamori-kun… Are you… okay already? I mean, you did seem really upset when you came in here and… uh."
She nodded happily. "I'm fine now, Kira-kun! It's all thanks to you!" She then turned on her heel and went on her way out the room. But before she stepped out, she turned to her friend, a huge smile on her face. "So, I'll see you on Friday then, Kira-kun!"
He smiled at her in reply and soon, Kira found himself waving at a closed door. He never realized that making a friend happy felt so good… Maybe he should try doing it with Renji next time?
The realization brought him back down to earth. Why would he even consider taking Abarai Renji to the Ball next time?!
18. Which is why we don't really understand the purpose of all them make-up. Especially since it takes so goddamned long to put on.
"Matsumoto…" Hitsugaya growled through his clenched teeth. "Are you done yet?"
"Not yet taichou!" his Vice-Captain's cheery voice came from behind the closed door.
Hitsugaya growled again and swore that he could almost pull his hair out in anger. More than twenty minutes have passed since her last "In a minute, taichou!" after all… Who wouldn't be pissed off?
"Matsumoto, it's already been more than thirty minutes-!"
"I know taichou!" she chirped again from inside the bathroom. "In a minute!"
There it was again. Did it take allwomen this long to put on their make-up?!
"Matsumoto, it's only the Captain-Commander's birthday celebration," he reasoned in an effort to get her out of the bathroom already. "There's really no reason for you to put on so much make-up…"
"But that's exactly why I'm putting it on, taichou!" she answered. "It's his birthday after all, so I have to look really pretty!"
He put a frustrated palm to his forehead and muttered to himself. "Women are so touchy about their faces…"
"Eh?" her voice came through from the door again. "Did you say something, taichou?"
He jerked his head towards the door. "N-nothing at all, Matsumoto!" So his voice was that loud- he had to soften it then the next time he'd make side comments. "You just go on ahead with your make-up."
"Hai, taichou!"
Wait, what did he just say?! "O-oi, Matsumoto!" he yelled, now facing the door. "Hurry up in there, we're going to be late!"
"Hai, hai…" she said, and Hitsugaya could hear the smile in her voice. "We'll be fine, taichou, don't worry!"
"But Matsumoto!" he suddenly said. "You're fine without all the make-up anyway, so what's the fuss of putting it all on anyway?"
Silence.
Wait. What did he say this time?
The door opened. Hitsugaya closed an eye and took a step back, knowing what was going to happen next. Matsumoto stood in front of him now, the make-up hardly evident on her soft face. Come to think of it… She looked really nice outside her uniform right now.
He shook his face. First his mouth and now his thoughts were running way ahead of him! What was wrong with him anyway? Did this have something to do with how his Vice-Captain looked today? But that couldn't be it… It's not like he…
"Ne taichou," his Vice-Captain suddenly said. Hitsugaya gulped. "Did you just say I was pretty back then?"
"Uh." Hitsugaya pulled at his collar, suddenly feeling the heat in the room. "Er… Not exactly…"
Since when had he stuttered before? And in front of Matsumoto, no less!
"But that's what you said, didn't you?"
"Er." It's not like he meant it… He would have done anything to get her out of the bathroom quickly after all and he had done it. But why did he feel so different? "Matsumoto, I…"
"Aw taichou, look at you all worked-up like that!" she laughed, pointing to his face. "I've never seen such a red face, you know? And a red face from you, no less!"
Hitsugaya suddenly regained his composure and straightened himself quickly. "M-Matsumoto!"
"It's okay taichou, don't worry about it!" she grinned and waved her hand. Then, her face became serious all of a sudden as she straightened herself as well. "That's the most honest thing I've ever heard."
The retort that Hitsugaya had prepared for any more teasing comments was immediately shoved back into his head and before he realized it, he started to blush. "Aa… Well…" he stuttered, looking anywhere else but his Vice-Captain's face. "It's… Don't worry about it too, Matsumoto."
She smiled. "I'm glad." Then, she turned and closed the bathroom door.
"A-anou," Hitsugaya almost smacked his own head for sounding so nervous like that. "You're not going to put on any more make-up?"
Matsumoto raised an eyebrow. "But taichou," she said. "You said I looked fine without it, right?"
"A-aa…"
"Well then!" she chirped suddenly, turning towards the office door. "What are we waiting for, taichou? We'll be late for the Captain-Commander's party!"
He grinned and fixed his tie. "Aa. That's the spirit, Matsumoto!"
"You know taichou," she suddenly said. "For a minute there, I thought you just said that to get me out of the bathroom quicker, you know."
He stopped in his tracks and gulped again. But before he could stop himself, he blurted out. "I meant what I said, Matsumoto."
She smiled again at him. "I know that, taichou." And then, she added as an afterthought. "Arigatou."
"Aa." Hitsugaya stared after her as she walked on ahead outside and for once the entire evening, he didn't stop the random thought from entering his mind: His Vice-Captain really was a beautiful person, after all.
19. Although admittedly, she does become different with her make-up on. And we mean good different.
"Geez Kira, is this how long all women take to put their make-up on?!"
"Calm down, Abarai-kun. I'm sure they're almost done."
"But we been waiting for more than thirty minutes already!"
Kira sighed, almost giving up on calming down his now-fuming friend. "Well, they at least allowed us to go with them to the Ball, so we should at least be thankful… I mean, if it weren't for them, we'd go there without a date, ne?"
"Geez, I don't care," the redhead growled. "I bet all the other girls don't take this long to fix themselves."
But Kira knew Renji hadn't really meant that.
"Ah, here they are!"
Kira turned to the door and once it opened, he couldn't help but stop staring. "Am I even awake?"
Even Renji, who would have said something loud and brash then, hung his mouth wide open, just like Kira. "I don't know man," he said softly. "But damn, they sure look pretty."
And he wasn't kidding then. For before the two men stood two equally beautiful women, all dressed up and made up nicely for the Ball. But even the two friends had to admit, they never knew their Hinamori was this pretty.
"A-anou…" Hinamori started, the concern growing in her voice. "Abarai-kun? Kira-kun? Are you two all right?"
Rukia grinned proudly. "They're fine, Hinamori-san," she went out ahead. "Don't worry about it." She stood beside Renji. "Oi Renji, let's go."
Much to her annoyance however, Renji's eyes remained fixed on Hinamori. So were Kira's. It was like they hadn't noticed her at all- which was more or less the case.
"Oi, RENJI!" she kicked him hard in the shin, instantly bringing him back to reality.
"ITAI!" he yelled out. "DAMMIT RUKIA!"
She smirked proudly. "So? How do you like Hinamori-san? I helped her look like that, you know."
He turned his head towards her, surprised. "Really? You did?"
"Uh-huh."
"Wow." Renji scoffed. "Looks like you've been outdone this time, Rukia."
"Baka!" she punched his jaw. "Take that back!"
He rubbed his chin painfully. "Dammit Rukia! What're you tryin' to do, kill me?!"
"I'd be really disappointed if I didn't," was her reply. But both childhood friends knew that she didn't really meant it anyway.
Meanwhile, Kira, the proud date of Hinamori took her arm and started to escort her out of the room. "Shall we, Hinamori-kun?"
She giggled, extremely happy at how things turned out for everyone in the group. "Let's go then, Kira-kun!" Then, she threw a gaze behind her and glanced at Rukia, sending the other girl a silent thank you.
Rukia received the message and smiled at Hinamori. "You two go on ahead," she said. "Turns out I still have to straighten this baka out for the Ball."
"Hey!" Renji's voice came from the floor. "Who're you callin' baka?!"
"Make sure you don't rough him up too badly, Rukia-san," Kira reminded before going on out. "We don't want him looking like a mess after all."
She nodded. "You got it! He's my date after all… I, of all people, should know that he can't look too bad next to a beautiful girl like me!"
Kira smiled and led Hinamori out the door, a proud and happy smile on his face. "Hinamori-kun," he said to her. "You look really nice tonight."
She turned to him and returned the smile. "Arigatou, Kira-kun."
And the two went to attend the Ball together, with Hinamori now more certain than ever that she didn't have a thing to worry about anymore regarding her looks. She had her three friends to thank for the morale-boost after all.
She only hoped Renji would be all right being the same room with an angry Rukia, though.
20. Women are sappy, sentimental and emotional people. Live with it.
Kotsubaki smiled lazily as he stepped inside his office. The day was almost over and after all the hard work Ukitake-taichou made him do (not that he was complaining), all he wanted to do now was go to bed and sleep. But first, he had to make one last trip to the office he shared with Kotetsu (regrettably) just to check if he had any work he had to take home. He had to grab them first before she did anyway- he'd be doomed if she got her hands on all the overnight paperwork first.
And boy, he sniffed, it seemed like he needed a bath. That last sparring match with a subordinate unexpectedly took so long to finish- and that nasty bump that lousy Kotetsu gave him a few weeks ago still hurt badly, dammit.
He opened the door to the office and an irritated eyebrow shot up. "Damn, she's already here."
But as he stepped closer to his fellow Third Seat, he heard the strangest sound Kotetsu could ever make. A sniffle.
"Kotetsu?" he said cautiously, approaching her slowly. "O-oi… What's wrong?"
Damn, he thought. He thought he'd never see the day Kotetsu Kiyone (of all people). Of course, he left out the time she cried when they buried Shiba-fukutaichou. That was a real depressing day for everyone in the Thirteenth.
Kotsubaki shook his head roughly. This was no time to feel sentimental! Kotetsu was in tears and he had to find out why- even if he almost wanted to rip her head off once in a while.
"I can't believe it!" she suddenly bawled, catching Kotsubaki by surprise. "I just can't absolutely believe it! It's impossible!"
"H-ha?!"
She looked up at him, the tears now flowing freely from her eyes. "Kotsubaki!!" she yelled. "They broke up!"
And suddenly, any interest and concern for Kotetsu Kiyone's well-being instantly died down. "What?!"
"They broke up, you moron!" she repeated, shoving a romance novel in Kotsubaki's face. "Takeshi-kun and Sakura-chan! They broke up, I can't believe it! And after all they've been through!"
"I said I Loved You Under the Cherry Blossoms," her co-worker read out the title. "Kotetsu, what the hell are you reading?!"
By now, the initial sadness in Kiyone's eyes was replaced by anger. "Only the most popular romance novel ever!" she huffed. "Geez Kotsubaki, are you that dense?!"
But he wasn't listening anymore. "Whatever Kotetsu," he grunted as he walked out the door. "While you're catching up on that lame-ass book of yours, I'm gonna do some catching up on my work. Be seein' ya."
As he disappeared out the door, Kiyone immediately looked down at her desk. All the unfinished paperwork she got from Ukitake-taichou had disappeared.
"KOTSUBAKI!!"
21. They twist our minds and make us overanalyze a lot of things.
"Taichou…" Nanao asked suddenly.
Kyouraku looked up from the couch. "What is it, Nanao-chan?"
She gulped and hesitated. Kyouraku noticed this and raised an eyebrow. "Oh?" he said. "You're usually not like this, Nanao-chan… What is it? You can ask me anything, you know."
"A-anou… I know it may sound silly and shallow to ask you this, but…" she paused. "Do you think I've gained any weight?"
Kyouraku gulped.
This was it. The most important question a woman could ever ask a man. If he got the answer, then Nanao-chan would no doubt think of him as a better man for it. But the problem was… What was he going to answer?
If he said: "No, of course not, Nanao-chan! What were you thinking?" then she would definitely think he was lying.
If he answered Yes, however, then she would say: "I knew it! So that's what you really think of me, isn't it?!"
If he said he didn't know, she'd call him insensitive and callous.
Kyouraku shook his head roughly. No matter where he looked at the situation, he was a trapped man. What would he answer?!
"Anou, taichou…" Nanao broke the lengthy silence. "I'm waiting…"
He looked up at her, not really knowing what to say at that point.
"Er."
22. They may drive us crazy most of the time, but hey, who's complaining? We sure as hell can live with them.
"And where do you think you're going, Zaraki-taichou?"
Kenpachi gulped and stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around slowly. "Out."
Unohana smiled. "You do know that going out at a time like this will cause more harm than good, don't' you?"
"Uh."
"Zaraki-taichou," she said (and he knew she was already ordering him to). "Please stay here and rest. It will do your body more good if you stay still."
Damn. He'd been caught again- but was it really okay for him to stay on a hospital bed for the next few days? He was the Eleventh Division captain after all… And besides, since when had the great and mighty Zaraki Kenpachi taken orders from a woman?
That was it. He had made up his mind. "Hmph," he grunted. "Fine."
"Excellent." Unohana's smile got wider. "And I trust you will stay here until you fully heal?"
Another grunt. "Fine."
"Excellent Zaraki-taichou," she nodded her head in approval. "I'm afraid I have some other patients to attend to, so I'll have to leave you here."
"Fine."
"And no moving, Zaraki-taichou all right?"
"Fine."
"And no harassing the other medics."
He grimaced. Wasn't this a bit too much?!
"Zaraki-taichou?"
"… Fine."
"Excellent."
"Dammit."
23. Because with a woman around, it's always worth it.
Ikkaku flexed his arm and hand tentatively, testing them out after getting hurt from one of the Eleventh Division's daily Hollow raids. This time around though, it seemed like a Hollow was able to hurt the great and mighty Madarame Ikkaku. It was the first time he'd experienced such pain in a long time, as no one from the Eleventh was able to hurt him like that Hollow did. At least Iba, Hisagi and Abarai were all lousy sparring partners- the worst they were able to do to him was give him some black eyes, a few scratches and quite a lot of bruises.
Today however, the Hollow that got to him had almost ripped his entire arm off- in fact, it was a miracle considering his arm didn't fall off on the spot. Yumichika had berated him for losing so unbeautifully, but Ikkaku knew his friend felt relieved he was all right.
Which was what brought him to the Fourth Division today, along with a lot of his injured subordinates. He snorted. It seemed like they still had a lot to work on after all.
"Madarame-san?" Ikkaku looked up. "How's the arm?"
He flexed it again. "'S okay now," he nodded. "Thanks."
Isane smiled at the comment, but frowned down on him. "Madarame-san, I really think you shouldn't push yourself like this. If this happens again, I'm afraid you won't come out of it alive anymore."
"Yeah, but…" he said, looking up at his medic. "You fixed it, didn't you?"
It sure felt like another thank you, Isane was sure, but she couldn't be an excuse for him to go out and kill himself fighting Hollows! "But Madarame-san," she said. "It was true what everyone said- that it was a miracle you were still able to walk after getting hit like that. I would advise you to take care of yourself more when you're out there fighting."
He grinned at her concern. "But if I don't go all-out, I'd lose."
"But Madarame-san, I-"
"Lissen," he stood up and started to adjust his uniform. "I'm fine, 'cos you fixed my arm and did such a good job at it. At least when I go out fighting, I know who to go to the next time I'm hurt like this."
Isane stared at him, unable to come up with a reply to that.
"Thanks for fixin' my arm, Kotetsu-fukutaichou," he smiled as he started to walk out of the clinic. "Look on the good side though. At least you'll get to see more 'a me."
She shook her head- he really was a hopeless case. "Just… Just don't mess up too bad." Isane reminded. "I don't want to take a long time healing you."
Ikkaku laughed, threw her an informal salute and walked out the door, testing his newly-healed arm by punching the air. Isane wanted to tell him to stop overexerting his arm so suddenly, but thought against it. He probably wouldn't listen to her anyway.
24. And in the end, no matter what anyone else says, women still need to be protected. We don't mind. We love playing the hero anyway an' we sure won't get tired of it.
"Howl, Zabimaru!" Renji roared as he leaped through the air, slicing the Hollow behind Rukia cleanly in half.
"Idiot," he said when he landed next to her. "You can't expect Ichigo to pop out an' save you. You have to take care of yourself too, y'know."
Rukia got over her shock soon enough and smirked at her childhood friend. "Idiot," she replied. "That's why you're here, aren't you?"
25. Just make sure your help an' presence are actually wanted. Even women have issues with their egos after all.
Omaeda's eyes widened as he shook from behind his hiding place behind some bushes. Was this really happening? Why was Soifon-taichou standing in the middle of a huge group of Hollows all by herself? And why wasn't she holding her zanpaktou yet? What was she thinking?!
"Taichou…" he gritted his teeth. Sure, she tortured him all of the time during training, but she was still his Captain. Omaeda considered himself a real loyal Vice-Captain and he sure didn't plan to let her down. Besides, he couldn't possibly run the whole Second Division by himself without her!
But on the flip side of things though- there sure were a lot of Hollows surrounding Soifon-taichou.
Omaeda shook his head. How can he afford to be thinking things like these when it was clear his Captain was in obvious danger? She was his Captain and he was her Vice- he wasn't going to let her die in front of him. Not on his watch.
He took in a deep breath and braced himself. Then, wielding his zanpaktou, he leaped out of the bushes and charged at one of the Hollows to save his Captain. "TAICHOU!!"
Soifon looked startled with his sudden appearance but yelled out to him. "Omaeda, don't!"
"I can't, taichou!" he yelled, still in the air. "I can't allow you to go down like this!"
He landed in front of one Hollow and started to gloat in its face. "Ha!" he yelled. "Think you can kill my taichou off, eh? Well, bow down to Omaeda-sama and beg for forgiveness, though I doubt I'll be granting you any mercy-OOF!"
CRASH, the Hollow collapsed on Omaeda, almost crushing him. Then, the other Hollows followed suit, crashing down to the ground just like the first one.
"O-oi!" Omeada yelled, still pinned to the ground. "What's going on?!"
Soifon sighed. "Told you," she started. "I already hit them before you arrived. I was just waiting for them to fall down."
"Na-NANI?!" he yelled. "But I ran in to save you, taichou! I was being the great Vice-Captain that I am! How could you trick me like this?!" The poor guy was almost in tears.
"And your effort does not go unappreciated." Soifon said. "But I clearly told you to back off and yet you still charged in. What have I been saying, Omaeda?"
"…That your word on the battlefield is absolute," he grumbled.
"…And even if it looks like I'm going to die…?"
"We shouldn't interfere," he completed. "But taichou!"
She smirked down on him. "Pathetic, Omaeda." Soifon shrugged. "You know, I'm thinking of leaving you behind here to reflect on what you did wrong."
"Aw taichou, come on!" he reasoned. "I was only tryin' to-"
But she had already shunpo-ed away by the time he started talking. Omaeda grunted, obviously pissed off at what happened and tried to lift himself off the ground. Strangely, the Hollow that was still on him hadn't dissolved yet.
"But I thought taichou killed you!" he grunted, trying to move it.
Big mistake.
The Hollow's eyes opened slowly and glared at Omaeda. And it was then the Second Division knew he was in deep shit.
"Aw no," he groaned. "TAICHOUUUU!"
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A/N: Slightly longer than its predecessor, but I hope it did all right. Thanks for reading and hope you had a merry Christmas. Enjoy the holidays, yo.