The Usagi Evil Scenes from

Shinji Ikari, International Man of Mystery

A looooonnnng time ago I had planned a Evangelion/Sailor Moon/various cameos fusion of Austin Powers. Only I ever got to the SM scenes, which practically wrote themselves. Here is one of them.

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1995

Usagi Evil cursed her luck as she and her pet cat, Luna Bigglesworth, ran for the emergency escape vehicle (cleverly disguised as the escape shuttle mascot at 'The Macross Experience'). As always, she had one nearby, planning for these occasions, namely Nerv Agent Shinji Ikari and his partner, Kyoko Soryu (who Usagi knew he was shagging, regardless of what the duo proclaimed), had once again raided the base of her latest operation in attempting world domination (all for the good of the world, of course, since she was destined to rule a Utopia called Crystal Tokyo. Only those U.N. idiots insisted *they* were in charge. Looking at the state of the world, most people would no doubt embrace her monarchial dictatorship as a vast improvement over the current regime.)

Her mental asides were slowing her down, so she quit having them and forged on ahead to the escape capsule, hitting the launch button. There was a bucking motion and Usagi felt the capsule shoot off with escape velocity, launching them into orbit.

Usagi frowned. This really was the final straw. If it wasn't for that Shinji Ikari jerk interfering with her plans, she soooooo would be ruling the world by now. But as long as that thorn was in her side, it seemed unlikely she would ever be making any progress on that front. Since her League of Problem Eliminators (which everyone annoyingly referred to as assassins), had failed on one hundred occasions to, well, eliminate the problem, it seemed she would never be rid of him.

At least for the present.

But thanks to Ami's cryogenic suspension module, there was now a way of circumventing that nasty little burr in her saddle. Of course she would have to inform her Inner Henchwomen as to the plan. And the little addition to it.

She hit the transmission button that patched her through to her main secret underground headquarters cleverly hidden in a volcano...

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"Did she die this time?" Rei 'Number Two' Hino asked the other senshi seated around the 'Evil Overlady Table' that Usagi insisted had installed in their secret base.

Ami looked at the transponder signal that was currently moving on the portable handheld computer screen in her hands. One day she would mass market the thing and make billions and billions of dollars. She had already sent a prototype to those nice people at Apple who were expressing an interest in it. "No, she survived. Again. You have to hand it to our clueless leader: she might be an inept failure, but she knows how to plot a good escape."

Minako looked over at Makoto with a thoughtful expression. "If a car battery was hooked up to your nipples and you were shocked with it, would you feel turned on or would your immunity to electricity render it meaningless?"

"Why the hell would you ask a question like that?" Makoto shouted.

"She hasn't been laid today," Haruka said.

"Please," Michiru scoffed. "She would have jumped one of us by now if she hadn't had at least some sex."

"Only one? You underestimate her sex drive badly," Artemis, occupying a space next to Minako, corrected.

"Quit feeling up my leg with your foot, Slut, or I'm going to fry your ass!" Sparks jetted from Makoto's hands.

"Hmm. Don't know if that will work out so well considering it's not all that sensitive an area, but we can give it a try." She jumped up on the table, flicked her skirt up to reveal a thong, and began wiggling her posterior in Makoto's direction.

It was at that moment the overhead viewscreen flicked on and Usagi Evil's image appeared. "Okay guys, as difficult as it is to believe, the last operation was a bust, but I managed to escape. I... Mina, what are you doing?"

"Experiments in electricity." She gave one more wiggle at Makoto.

"Furthering your education. Good for you. Being assured as future Queen of the World, I had no need for education, but it's an admirable trait in my minions."

"I'm not a minion, Meatball Head. I'm a coworker," Rei grumbled.

Usagi scowled. "That is no tone to take with your master."

Luna mumbled something in her ear.

"I mean mistress," Usagi corrected.

"I'll be happy to call you mistress," Minako volunteered.

Usagi nodded in appreciation. "You should take notes from her, Number Two. If you don't mind your manners I might promote someone else into the number two slot."

"And not be your right hand coworker? Whatever would I do?" Rei said dryly as she rolled her eyes.

Usagi missed the sarcasm in the remark. "In any case, I have news for you. Seeing as how Shinji Powers keeps mucking up my plans for global domination, and no one in my employ is able to defeat him, I have decide to think 'outside the box'. Therefore I will be putting myself in cryogenic suspension for the next sixteen years, thereby letting time lessen Powers' ability in interfering in my plans by making him an old man. He'd be in his thirties, at least. Practically with two feet in the grave."

Rei snorted in surprise. She whispered to the others, "Oh my god. She fell for it."

Ami's jaw dropped. She never really thought her brainless leader would actually follow through on such an idiotic plan when she recommended it. Really, the whole idea was absurd. On the other hand with Usagi out of the way they could run the organization far more practically. Rather than wasting billions in idiotic plots, they could invest in stable franchises, innovative technology, and natural resources. And really, if you wanted to rule the world, all you had to do was bribe a few politicians. Why bother ruling directly when you could manipulate a puppet? Lose the office? Buy the winner. Everyone with any power or influence did it.

"We'll be so sorry to see you go, fearless leader," Rei could barely restrain her laughter, nor could the others seated around the table.

"We'll have a nice going away party for you after you're gone," Haruka seconded.

Usagi's eyes teared up. "That's so nice of you guys to offer. But that won't be necessary. You see, when I revive in sixteen years, I'll still want you as my minions. But you'd be just as old as Powers, which would be really creepy. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to all to die. Today. And that way when you reincarnate you'll be at just the right age to work at my side again."

Everyone around the table jerked and looked at each other.

Usagi continued, unmindful of their concern, "To that end I had the room wired to blow with the push of this button." She pointed at one right next to her console. "So, I guess that settles thing. See you in sixteen." And with that Usagi pushed the button just as the others started to rise from their seats.

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[End scene one]