Disclaimers: I will resort to begging to get Gravitation rights for Christmas…
Notes: Um…this probably doesn't make any sense and isn't too good, but oh well. I felt like having a Shuu angsting on Hiro and life to balance out my Hiro angsting on Shuu and life. They don't actually go together. This is just a fic of Shuuichi thinking.
~*I Try*~
I understand a lot of things…I just can't do anything about them.
People call me stupid. They call me blind, innocent, naïve, stupid. All sorts of things I don't want to think about. Yuki does it, Hiro does it, Fujisaki does it, hell, even sometimes I do it. But I'm not all of those things. Sure, I may have had a tough time through high school, and a couple things may go right over my head. I'm not stupid, though.
There are many things in this world I know. I keep my mouth shut about them. I'd rather be called an idiot than speak up and hurt someone. That's how I am. I'm stubborn, but I care about my friends.
I know Yuki cares. Maybe not as much about me as I'd like to believe, but at least enough to keep me out of trouble when he can. He's not as cold as he lets on, he's just afraid. He thinks I don't see how afraid he is, but I do. He told me he was afraid of hurting me, and I'm sure he's afraid of other things, too. I never could have told myself otherwise. Others may see him as an asshole, but I never have.
I know that day, when Hiro quit Bad Luck, he didn't want to. I know it. He thought he wanted to, but I knew he didn't. He might not have liked some things, but it was still our band. He wouldn't give up on us just like that. Also…
I know how he feels about me.
He doesn't think I've figured it out yet, but I've known for a while. I could hear the slight hope in his voice when he told me to find myself a girlfriend. I wasn't fooled when he told me to chase after Yuki. He may have been smiling, and it may have been genuine, but I've known him long enough. I could see even though he was happy, a small part of him wasn't.
I want to love him. I really do. I'd tried. Before things between Yuki and me went anywhere. Before I really got to know him, I tried to make myself love him. I wanted to make him happy, I want all my friends to be happy. That's the way I am. I couldn't lie to him, though. No matter how much I wanted to make him happy, I could never lie to him about something like that.
I sat in my room for hours the day Hiro told me to get a girlfriend, listing off all the good things about him. I listed everything about him that could make me love him, but I couldn't stop thinking about my lost lyrics and the guy in the park. I tried to think of us together /like that/ but it didn't work. I tried everything, but if I learned one thing that day it was that you couldn't make yourself fall in love. No matter how hard you try.
In the time I've spent with Yuki, I've found that you can't force yourself to stop loving someone, either. All you can do is love them and rationalize through it. I want Yuki to be happy, and I tried everything I could to stop loving him whenever he left me. I tried harder than I ever had when trying to make myself love Hiro, so Yuki could be happy and I could still live a normal life. Hiro tried to help me, and I couldn't help but hate myself for doing something like this to him. I only wanted to love him more, and cursed Yuki over and over for indirectly making me hurt my friend like this. I know that they don't get along very well, anyway, and I know it's my fault. I don't want to make Hiro hate Yuki, but he does. He can't see through him like I can.
A lot of things I do seem stupid and selfish, and I'm aware of it, but I'm trying. I hope maybe one day I can tell Hiro that I know his little secret. I know I'm not wrong. I heard him say it once, but I pretended I didn't. I didn't want to tell him that I didn't feel that way; I wanted to try to change that before I could hurt him. I hadn't ever given a thought to the fact that I was technically trying to make myself gay. I just wanted to make my friend happy any way that I could. I think it was about that time I stopped caring about sexuality. I figured so long as the other person and myself could be happy, it shouldn't really matter. I'd never figured on what it would be like to have sex with a guy before; I didn't think the situation would ever present itself. Hiro would understand that I was afraid of it and leave it be. I hadn't been expecting to find someone like Yuki back then. I was scared to death when it happened, but he tried to help. It wasn't his fault we were so different.
Maybe one day I'll get this all figured out, but I doubt it. Hiro seems happy with Ayaka, but I see him look at me every once in a while like he used to. I still want to love him, but at the same time I don't. It hurts so much sometimes. I don't know what to do. They don't ever teach you this sort of thing in school. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I can't help it. Music is my normal escape, and Yuki, but when Yuki's gone or working and I don't have to write, there's nothing else to do but think and try to figure this out.
I wish I could figure this out so I could make them both happy. I feel bad, feeling so happy when I'm sure Hiro doesn't. I think it's best to just leave things as they are, but I can't help but want things to change, too.
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I don't know why I wrote this, but I did. Shuuichi, in my mind, is actually a very well balanced, yet confusing person. Just like Ryuuichi. I think their cheeriness isn't faked, but that there are times in which they can actually have deep thoughts when they want to, and their emotions run very deep.