Weep for me.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warning: Whilst no sexual activity is described in this fic, it makes the assumption that a sexual relationship exists between two men. If this is not your thing, please don't read.
TWTWTW
Jack smiled to himself and glanced across at his lover reading his book. He was sitting up in Ianto's bed attempting to complete a report whilst Ianto was reading a detective novel.
Jack considered his many sexual conquests over a long lifetime. He had long since given up one night stands, the sexual revolution in the sixties had made the chase much less thrilling once capitulation was almost a certainty.
However he had still had more lovers than he could remember. But he had very rarely had what he was experiencing at this moment. He and Ianto shared their bodies but more importantly they shared their lives. Jack had rarely had the cosy intimacy of sharing a bed for no reason other than wanting to be together. He and Ianto might have sex tonight but equally they might not. That kind of sharing was a rare and precious thing for Jack, however mundane it might appear to the rest of society.
Jack had not really wanted the relationship with Ianto to develop in this way. He knew Ianto would die, maybe tomorrow, maybe sixty years from now, but it would happen and Jack would once again experience the loss and grief from which he tried so hard to protect himself. But Ianto had quietly but relentlessly drawn him in and now he had determined to enjoy him whilst he could, pretend this normality could be his forever.
Ianto felt warm and mildly sexually excited. He and Jack were in his bed, it was cold outside but cosy in his room and they were luxuriating in the knowledge that the team had the rift covered until tomorrow afternoon. They had come together in the bed without the usual desperation because they had the time to enjoy each other.
Unfortunately this gave Ianto the unusual luxury of time to think. He gazed at the man in his bed and began to wonder. Wonder what Jack would do when he was gone, when time or the job killed him. Who would be his next conquest, or worse his next lover. How quickly would he be replaced in Jack's life?
He suddenly felt the sharp need for some reassurance.
'Will you weep for me?' he asked.
Jack had begun nuzzling Ianto's shoulder hoping that soft kisses and gentle caresses would develop into more lustful activity. He lifted his head from the space between Ianto's shoulder and neck and looked at him questioningly.
'What?'
'Will you weep for me?...when I die...will you weep for me?' persisted Ianto.
'Why on Earth would you ask that now?' asked Jack as he looked down at their naked bodies that were both beginning to show signs of responding to his ministrations.
Ianto looked slightly ashamed. They were in his bed in the very act of beginning to make love to each other and his insecurities had surfaced with a vengeance. He needed to know he meant more to Jack than a quick shag. He knew they were friends, lovers, that Jack loved him as he loved them all, but for a split second he had needed something more. Needed to know he would be missed, that someone would care when the job finally killed him.
Jack had to think about how to answer this. He could see it was important to Ianto and he understood why, so he would be careful with his reply. Ianto noticed his reluctance to answer and assumed he had upset or annoyed his partner. He quickly tried to make amends.
'I'm sorry' he said quietly as he moved to resume their previous activities, hoping to placate his lover.
Jack stopped his movements by taking hold of his hands and stilling them. Ianto hung his head. This was worse than he thought if Jack could not be distracted by sexual activity. His head dropped onto Jack's shoulder in defeat.
'You don't have to be sorry Ianto...I'm not annoyed...I'm just thinking about my answer' Jack said.
Ianto looked at him.
'Surely it's a pretty straight forward question' he said, getting a little annoyed himself now.
If Jack were not going to miss him, if he would not weep when Ianto died then he would learn to live with it, but the man did not need to rub salt into the wound by contemplating how to phrase his rejection.
'Yes the answer is simple' agreed Jack 'I'm more concerned with the fact that you find it necessary to ask' he explained.
The two men looked at each other. Ianto frowned, surely Jack could understand a need for words of reassurance even if the sentiments were not truly felt. But Jack wanted to tell Ianto the truth, he wanted him to understand completely.
'I have failed you so many times Ianto Jones... I failed to see how destroyed you were when you first arrived here and the hurt you were hiding...I failed to notice you and then I failed to care for you...and here I am failing you yet again...failing to make you understand how important you are to me...I'm sorry' he said regretfully.
'I don't want your apologies Jack' Ianto sighed 'if you don't care in that way it's ok...don't insult me by lying about it please' he finished in embarrassed exasperation.
Jack turned Ianto over and began to kiss him gently. Ok thought Ianto, I can live with this. He won't answer but we can get back to enjoying ourselves. But Jack stopped kissing his mouth and nuzzled into his neck with more gentle kisses and when he lifted his head Ianto saw tears hanging unshed in his eyes.
'I've never lied to you Ianto' whispered Jack nipping at his neck.
Ianto pulled away from him slightly so that Jack could see his eyebrow raised in disbelief.
'I haven't' Jack insisted 'I may have omitted to tell you things but I have never outright lied to you' he continued 'and I have no intention of apologising'
Ianto felt his heart contract slightly. Did Jack not even care enough to lie? Ianto had told him not to, but complying with that request was just another way to display his uncaring attitude as far as the younger man was concerned.
Jack had not stopped stroking and caressing his young lover and whilst Ianto was mentally upset his body could still respond to this kind of treatment and he leaned into the soft touches.
Jack continued speaking quietly to Ianto, whispering almost reverently.
'I wept for you when you realised Lisa was dead' said Jack.
Ianto did not like to speak of his former lover with anyone, even Jack and he tensed slightly at the mention of her name. There was still the old stab of hurt whenever she was spoken of. Jack had replaced Lisa in Ianto's affections but that didn't mean he no longer thought of her, or that she no longer had any place in his heart.
'I wept for you after the cannibals attacked you in the Brecon Beacons, when you had physical marks to match the internal ones' Jack continued, rubbing Ianto's arm soothingly to release the tension he had created.
The older man suddenly gulped and looked down nervously as he breached a subject he hated to revisit.
'I wept for you when I was away...for a whole year I wept for you...for the hurt I knew I had caused by leaving, but mostly because I thought I would never have the chance to tell you I was sorry...I wept because I wanted you so badly'
Jack's breath caught a little as he admitted this and Ianto was suddenly sorry he had asked for reassurance. Jack had suffered when he was away, Ianto knew that and tried not to refer to anything which might drag up unpleasant memories for his lover. It was unusual for Ianto to ask for anything and now he had bought up old hurts for Jack.
'Now though I don't weep for you at all' concluded Jack and Ianto looked at him in sorrow.
Was Jack saying that their relationship had been important, but no longer was? He felt his heart contract slightly.
'Now I weep for myself' said Jack 'I weep for the loss of you...because you will die...because I will not...I weep for how much I will long for you when you are gone...because I don't know how I can live once you are no longer here to hold me' Jack allowed the unshed tears to fall unheeded.
Now it was Ianto's breath that caught. He had raised this subject and he ought to have known better. What did it matter what Jack would do after he was dead, Ianto would never know about it. Did he seriously want Jack to live in sorrow forever? Ianto felt ashamed. He had known the horror of losing someone he loved, had known the depth of hurt and the courage needed to carry on. Yet here he was asking Jack to acknowledge what lay in store for him.
Jack saw that Ianto had realised his mistake and pulled him to himself in a fierce and protective hug.
'Never ask if I will weep for you Ianto...I already do' he whispered.