Just something that's been kicking around my head. Katniss' POV. Set before the Epilogue in Mockingjay.
I tried to stay true to the characters, so hopefully you guys will like it.
I own nothing. Please review :)
I hate these moments; the moments when Peeta's eyes slam shut and he grips the nearest inanimate object as he battles the images in his head. I hate that I'm not able to protect him from this; to save him when he's saved me time and time again.
The first time it happened, the first time his blue eyes glazed over and his whole body tensed, my first instinct was to run. So I did. Peeta found me later, sat on the floor of our room, knees pulled tightly to my chest. Tears leaked from my eyes as his arms slid around and his lips whispered apologies against my shoulder. I hated that I was so weak. How many times had I woken in the middle of night, screaming from my nightmares? Too many to count and every single time, after every nightmare, every scream, Peeta's arms were always there; warm and safe and so full of love - love that I didn't deserve; love that I was terrified he would one day realize I didn't deserve.
Surprisingly enough, it's during one of these moments when I finally realize (or finally admit) just how much Peeta means to me. I arrive home from a day of hunting and the house is quiet - more quiet than usual. As I round the corner into the kitchen, the game bag in my hand falls to floor when I see Peeta, my Peeta, on his knees, one hand pulling at his blonde hair while the other grips the leg of a chair so hard I'm sure it's about to snap under the pressure. This is the first time I have ever actually seen him in the throws of an episode since the war ended; since District 13 really and the sight of my beautiful, sweet, kind Peeta crumpled in agony is more than I can take.
I curse myself for every time I ran, leaving him alone to face the demons that haunt us both. He's always told me that I did the right thing; that it wasn't safe for me to be around him when he was having an episode; that he would never be able to forgive himself if he ever hurt me, but it no longer matters. All that matters is that Peeta is in pain, so much pain, and I have to make it better; I have to at least try.
As I slowly cross the room toward him, Peeta's head shoots up, his blue eyes slightly wild and a little scared.
"Katniss, don't. Please stay away from me." He pleads. "Please. I don't want to hurt you." His fist tightens around the chair leg and I actually hear the wood crack. "Please. I can't…"
"You won't hurt me." I slip my father's old hunting jacket off, letting it fall to the floor as I kneel down next to him. "You won't hurt me." This time it's my arms that slide around him; my lips that whisper apologies. "It's not real, Peeta. It's not real. This right here is real. You and me. That's what real. That's what's always been real."
His body is tense under my hands and I can feel his muscles straining, twitching. I keep waiting for my flight instinct to kick in; for the voice in my head that screams at me to run as fast and as far as I can. But there's nothing. Only Peeta, trembling, sweating... struggling to stay with me. I pull him closer, tightening my arms around him.
After what seems like forever, I can feel Peeta start to relax and his fingers uncurl from around the leg of the chair. When he lifts his head from where it's buried in my shoulder, his eyes are shining with tears.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." His head drops and he looks ashamed. "Katniss next time you need to just go, because I might not be able to…"
"No. Never again. I'm not leaving you alone ever again." I lift his chin, forcing him to look at me. "You won't hurt me, Peeta. I know you won't. Because I know you. You are the kindest, sweetest, most gentle man I have ever known. You're still the boy with the bread, Peeta. And if you start to forget, I'll remember for the both of us."
Peeta's silent as he looks at me, a single tear escaping his eye and falling down his cheek. Without thinking, I lean forward and kiss it away and then almost as if they have mind of their own, my lips seek his and brush across them slowly, hesitantly. Peeta jerks back, staring at me with wide, confused eyes.
"Katniss, what…." He begins but I silence him with another kiss, this one demanding his full attention.
"I'm sorry." I reluctantly pull my lips from his and rest my forehead against his. "I'm sorry that it took me so long to get here, to finally admit to myself what I think I've known since the first Games."
Peeta pulls away again, his gaze uncertain, questioning… doubting. I can't blame him. I've given him so many reasons to doubt me. I try to think of the right words to say to make him understand but my mind is blank so I do the only thing I can think of, I press my lips to his again. Peeta seems frozen for a second before he gathers me in his arms and pulls me into his lap and I heave a sigh of relief because suddenly I feel like I can breathe again for the first time since I can remember.
We stay where we are for a long time, wrapped in each other's arms, until the sun goes down and reluctantly I untangle myself and slowly standing, holding my hand out to him. We're both silent as we make our way to our bedroom. Peeta's arms automatically circle my waist once we're in bed and I settle back against his chest, my eyes growing heavy. Just as I'm about to nod off, I feel Peeta's warm breath on my skin as he whispers in my ear.
"You love me, real or not real?"
I pull his arms around me tighter. I finally understand what Gale meant when he said that I would choose the person I couldn't survive without.
"Real."