Title: If I Fall Along the Way
Author: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
Rating: PG
Summary: 5 years pre-TPM, angst, h/c, non-slash. Obi-Wan makes a mistake during a mission, and the results are deadly.
Disclaimer: George owns them, and I make no money here.
Feedback: Yes, Please!
Archive: Please ask me first.
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If I Fall Along the Way
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A young life ceased with a shrill cry that brought a Jedi Master to his knees. The mind-numbing scream penetrated his senses, and he watched as his apprentice collapsed where he stood. As Jevra Sar quickly raced to the side of his student, the Master could feel the life force fading from the 16-year-old boy. There was nothing that could be done. The last few breaths that Padawan Dylan Ness took were as he lay in the loving arms of his master.
For 6 years, Master Sar had the pleasure of training this one. Watching him grow from a boy to an honorable young man, was the greatest source of pride in the elder Jedi's life. Now, where there was once an exuberance and spark that was unmistakable, was only a feeling of emptiness. Master Sar hugged his apprentice close to him, whispering words that he knew Dylan would never hear.
One wrong move. That's all it took for a life to be extinguished. One mistake. The attention of one, lapsing for less than a few seconds. And Dylan Ness lay dead in the same place he stood so proudly just moments ago.
A few feet away, a young padawan, just reaching the age of 20, stood in shock. Obi-Wan Kenobi had known his mistake as soon as it happened. One fatal error in judgement. One second in time. He felt it and knew that there was nothing he could do to stop it. As the elder and more experienced apprentice, Dylan was his responsibility. But for a brief second, his attention was diverted. It was all the enemy needed to end the promising life of a 16-year-old boy.
Obi-Wan was frozen. Unable to move, his thoughts frenzied. Had he been to overconfident once again? Too cocky?
Qui-Gon Jinn knew his padawan well, and saw the images going through his students mind. As much as he needed to be at Obi-Wan's side, his first priority was to the grieving master and the lifeless body he held in his arms. Approaching Master Sar, Qui-Gon placed a supporting hand on his shoulder. "I am so sorry Jevra." There was no reply, or acknowledgment. "We must leave now, the guards will return. Can you stand?"
Jevra stood carefully, clutching the limp form of his dead apprentice. With encouragement from Qui-Gon, the younger master slowly made his way up the ramp and into the ship. Almost immediately, Jinn turned to his own apprentice. "Obi-Wan, come. We must leave." Obi-Wan said nothing. He offered a small nod and walked the same path that Master Sar has just moments before.
The flight home was short, less than 5 standard hours. Not a word was spoken between the 3 Jedi. The complete shock of this nightmare created a feeling of unease and sadness. Everything was...too real.
====================
Returning home, the 3 Jedi briefed the Council on the disastrous mission. The Council members observed the tension that hung in the air. A good deal of their attention was focused on Kenobi. His eerie silence was deafening. Every so often, they would watch as Master Sar glared at Jinn's apprentice. He mentioned the student by last name only, and the anger radiating from his being, filled the room.
Yoda directed his questioning away from the masters and directly at the young Knight. "What have you to say apprentice?"
Caught off guard, Obi-Wan took a moment to relax his breathing. Looking down, he starred relentlessly at the floor as the words filtered out. "It was an accident Master Yoda. I do not know how this happened. I...I made a mistake...I don't..."
Master Sar, overwhelmed by his frustration and anger, turned to Kenobi. "An accident? This is no accident apprentice. This is a complete screw up on your part. A COMPLETE SCREW UP...one that cost me the life of my padawan. You took EVERYTHING from me. You have no idea. Your so-called, 'mistake,' killed a boy. Never again will I see his face. He was my family, all that I had. And you are solely responsible for his death. Now, live with that on your conscience." He started toward the door, before turning to the Council. "If you will excuse me, my Masters, I must leave to plan my padawans funeral." As the master stormed out, an uncomfortable silence fell over the room.
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PART 2
That evening, Obi-Wan paced the floor of the apartment he shared with his master. Qui-Gon watched as the younger man became infuriated with himself. He waited for Obi-Wan to reach out for help, but that cry never came. "You're going to wear a hole in the carpet if you continue this pacing. Please sit down."
Obi-Wan scowled at the Jedi Master. "You're worried about the carpet? Sorry to tell you this Master, but there are more important issues at work here."
"Yes, I know. That was only meant as an icebreaker, to cut through the tension in the room. I sense an incredible amount of anger coming from you."
"Can you guess why? I killed a boy Master. A 16-year-old boy. I was supposed to protect him and instead, I got him killed. He is DEAD! And I can't do a damned thing about it." The pacing continued as Obi-Wan's control wavered.
"You did not kill him Obi-Wan. It was an accident as you told the Council. You made a mistake. We accept that these things happen. This is our duty as Jedi, the chances we take."
As voices and tempers began to flare, Obi-Wan started losing what was left of his questionable patience. "It was NOT an accident Master. I got to cocky, as I tend to do. Thought I had everything under control. HA! Was I wrong about that? My overconfidence got the best of me once again. You've warned me about that before haven't you? I replay that moment over and over in my head. Master Sar was right. I screwed up. Your precious Obi-Wan Kenobi screwed up. Deal with it Master, because it's true. I am responsible for Dylan's death."
Qui-Gon tried to reason with him. "We can work through this padawan."
Obi-Wan laughed sarcastically. "Padawan? Don't think I really deserve that title do I? Tell me how we can work this out Qui-Gon. HOW? I KILLED A BOY! Dylan is DEAD. BECAUSE OF ME!! HE IS DEAD!! HIS MASTER WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. NEVER!! How do I know what Master Sar feels? Huh? I DON'T. I can't begin to understand that. For 6 years he raised him, trained him, comforted him, loved him. Dylan's life is OVER!!! There is no more growing up. And you know what? It's all because of my STUPID MISTAKE. MY DAMN OVERCONFIDENCE!!!" His voice quieted. "That's all there is."
For the first time since the 2 had been master and padawan, Qui-Gon was at a loss as to how to help his apprentice. He didn't know how to make this pain go away. He was afraid that if he reached out anymore, Obi-Wan would only become more agitated and pull further away. Before he could say anything, Obi-Wan turned on him.
"Nothing to say Qui-Gon? That's a first. The great Qui-Gon Jinn has no advice to offer, no words of wisdom that will make everything better. No wonderful words for his precious apprentice? I killed him Qui-Gon. I did. I knew it as soon as I did it. I lost my concentration for a second. Dylan is gone. HE'S GONE!!! I CAN'T BRING HIM BACK NOW CAN I? Quite a student you have here Qui-Gon? HUH?...no...don't say anything. You raised me...see what I've become? Does is make you proud Qui-Gon? Are you proud of me now?"
Jinn had heard enough. He'd allowed Obi-Wan to have his release, now it was his turn to vent his emotions. He stood up and approached the young Knight. "You've stepped way over the line here Obi-Wan. Way over! You have no right to speak to me as you have. NO RIGHT! I have listened to what you have said. I hear you and I understand your pain, but this is the wrong way to deal with this. No, you can't bring him back. Nothing you do will change the fact that he is dead. Dylan is dead. That is what you must live with...what you must deal with for the rest of your life. This will scar you forever."
Obi-Wan shook his head, refusing to meet the older Jedi's eyes. "You don't understand."
"How wrong you are...so very wrong. I lived what you live now. I have been there. What you feel now? I have felt. The anger inside. It solves nothing."
Finally, the apprentice sought out the concerned eyes of his teacher. "I killed him Master. He was only a boy. He had his whole life in front of him."
"You see only one part of this Obi-Wan. Look deeper. See both sides. What about what Master Sar feels? You talked about him before. Yes, you have to deal with the fact that your mistake led to the death of a boy, a fellow padawan. Master Sar, must deal with the reality that the boy he raised for the last 6 years of his life is gone. What hell is he going through right now? You don't see that do you?"
Again, Obi-Wan dropped his gaze. "I...I...didn't think about that. I..."
"Think about what his suffering feels like. The one person that meant more to him than anything, is lost. The anger he showed earlier? It wasn't directed at you. You are a convenient outlet. He will mourn his loss the only way he knows how."
The apprentice struggled for words. "I...I..."
Qui-Gon continued. "He feels what I would feel had it been you rather than Dylan. Do you want to know what I have been doing since this happened? I have been thanking the force over and over that this was not you. That I still have you at my side. I am so thankful that it was Dylan rather than you. Does that make me less of a man? An undeserving Jedi? No...it only makes me human. My sadness at the loss of Dylan is overwhelmed by the relief that you are still with me. I cannot explain these emotions. I do know that this hurts you Obi-Wan. Force, I know. But you are not alone in your pain. Master Sar is hurting. I am hurting." He paused before continuing. "Please don't make me the enemy here padawan. I will not judge you by these actions. Your feelings tell the truth. The anger and frustrations are overwhelming you. I know you are scared...unsure. But we must honor Dylan's death by celebrating his life. He deserves nothing less."
As Qui-Gon's words sank in, Obi-Wan's aggressions came to the fore. Unclipping the saber hilt from his belt, he hurled it across the room, shattering a glass table that sat at the entranceway to the kitchen.
"That won't help you deal with your feelings Obi-Wan. It won't make the pain go away. You made a mistake. You have to live with that."
Surveying the shattered glass, Obi-Wan leaned over a retrieved the saber. "Lot of damn good damn this thing did. I thought I was so good. I have got a lot to learn don't I? A mistake. Just a mistake, that's all it was. One life ended. All in a days work right?"
Slowly, the stoic master moved closer to the student. "Good, wallow in self-pity. That will get you no where. The only way to deal with this is to confront it head on."
Letting out a deep breath, Obi-Wan fought his emotions. "I don't want to confront this. I want it to go away. I want to forget that this happened."
"You can do that padawan. This is something that will live with you. What you need right now is room. A little breathing room. Allow your mind to settle, and to find peace...calm the emotions that conflict within you."
Find peace? The young Jedi didn't know if that was possible. He took a calming breath. "I killed him master. He's dead because of me. There is no one else to blame. I did it. It was my mistake. And, like you said, I have to live with the outcome of that mistake. But, it's so hard. I heard him yelling. He was telling me where the other guards were coming from. For a split second, I lost my focus. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I let myself be distracted, and Dylan paid for it with his life."
Qui-Gon urged him to continue. "Do not stop padawan. Talking about it can only help."
Realizing that the older Jedi spoke the truth, Obi-Wan continued. "I...I have this...this feeling, this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. This knot that won't go away. Gods, master...it hurts so much. How do I make it stop?"
The pain coming from the apprentice was so intense, that the young man's defenses were being torn down. Gently, Qui-Gon took his friend by the arm and led him to the balcony of their apartment. "The sun is beginning to fall, I know how much you enjoy watching sunsets. It's so beautiful and peaceful. So...simple. Our world is so complicated anymore, sometimes you have to sit back and see something as simple as the beauty of a sunset, in order to find yourself again."
Beside him, the young Jedi sighed heavily. "It can't take the pain away."
The Jedi Master hung his head. "No, it can't. Only time can do that. I wish I knew what to say Obi-Wan. How to take this away. I can't do that. And you don't know how much that hurts me inside."
Stealing a sideways glance at his mentor, the younger man stilled. "I have listened to your words master, and you know what I keep thinking? What if it was me and not Dylan like you said. Would you suffer as Master Sar is? How would you handle this, if it were me? I can't understand that side of it. I try to, but I can't see past my own frustration, my pains, my fears...my mistake." He watched as the last of the planets sun faded behind the horizon.
Qui-Gon took the apprentice by the shoulders and forced the youth's tired eyes to look deeply into his own. Several times, Obi-Wan tired to look away, but to no avail.
"No. Obi-Wan, look at me." He shook the smaller shoulders slightly. "The pain of losing you would be more than I would want to, or know how to deal with and accept. It would force me to reexamine all that I am, all that I stand for. Just as you do now. Master Sar is doing the same as we speak. How can one second in time, so drastically change the life of a Jedi? Believe me, I feel your pain as deeply as I feel my own." He placed a hand under Obi-Wan's chin, and forced the eyes to meet once more. "You are everything to me Obi-Wan. For the first time in a long time, I have honestly examined what it would feel like to lose you. That scares me, more than you can ever know. I see how quickly a loved one can be lost. You are the most important thing in my life. Everyday, you give me a reason to get up, to enjoy life. To watch you grow and learn, makes me feel as if my life is complete so long as you are with me. I cannot imagine my life without you by my side. Dylan's death has forced me to see that. Master Sar's pain is real. I feel it as if it was my own. But as much as it hurts, we cannot dwell on what we can no longer control. We all must move forward, you must move on and put this behind you. I know you hurt inside. I am here. Should you need to talk, laugh, yell or cry, I am here and will not allow you to go through your pain alone. I need you in my life Obi-Wan, I know that now, more than ever. I don't know what I would do, if I lost you."
Silent tears fell from the young eyes as the apprentice stumbled through his words. "I...I should speak w...with...Master Sar. Tell him how sor...orry I am for his loss. He hurts for...for Dylan."
Sorrow filled those last few words, and hit Qui-Gon like a saber to the gut. Unsure what to say next, the Jedi Master reached forward and pulled his student towards him, enfolding the smaller body in his arms. Obi-Wan breathed deeply before leaning his head on his master's chest. A few small sobs escaped, ones that Obi-Wan did not attempt to hide.
Qui-Gon held the embrace. "It'll be all right padawan," he said as he rubbed his hand in slow circles across the young man's back. "We will get through this together."
Minutes passed before Obi-Wan pulled away. He wiped at his eyes with his tunic sleeve. The taller Jedi held him at arms length. "Okay?" The apprentice nodded and blinked his eyes repeatedly to stop the burning tears. "Can we go see Master Sar now?"
"We can, yes." Together, they left the apartment.
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PART 3
Master and apprentice approached Jevra Sar's quarters. The weary Jedi answered the door, his eyes bloodshot and shadowed with dark circles.
Qui-Gon spoke first. "Jevra, we apologize for disturbing your during you grieving period, but Obi-Wan requested to see you for a moment."
Master Sar backed away from the door opening. "Thank you, please come in."
They sat in the common area, Jevra watched closely, the body language of the apprentice before him. Part of him, jealous that Kenobi's master still had his padawan alive and well. As he eyed the young man, he saw the rapid, nervous breathing and felt the immense fear that radiated from him. "Padawan Kenobi, you wish to address me?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes, Master Sar. I...I...am sorry for your loss. I...know that I screwed up...as...as you said. I c...can't take back w...what happened. I can't bring Dylan back, but I...I don't know how to deal with this. My pain clouds the reality of this...that you lost...someone you loved very much. Everything is swirling around in my head right now. It's...just...I...wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Dylan h...had such a bright future in front of him. I...can't begin to understand what you feel, what you are going through. I'm sorry." The student hung his head, no longer able to meet Jevra's intense gaze.
"Padawan Kenobi, look at me." Obi-Wan paused briefly before obeying the master's request. "Thank you. No, you cannot begin to understand my loss, my pain...my sorrow. Dylan was a son to me, as I am sure you are to Master Jinn. Dylan gave me 6 of the happiest years of my life. I will miss him dearly. This is not something that will go away anytime soon. My pain is very real...you see that now. And I know that your own pain is real as well. I do not hate you, if that is what you are wondering. I do not look down on you for what happened. You are a fine Jedi and will make a great Knight someday. Qui-Gon should be proud of what you have become. But my mind is else where. Once things have settled and I have regained my focus, you and I will talk more. This is not your fault, do not blame yourself. And do not believe that I blame you for Dylan's death. We are human, we make mistakes. This mistake just happened to lead to the death of my apprentice. For now, he is what occupies my thoughts. Now, if you would please excuse me gentlemen, I have matters to attend to."
Qui-Gon took Sar's hand in his own. "We will see ourselves out. Should you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Come Obi-Wan."
As they left the room, the sounds of Master Jevra Sar overcome by sadness, filled their ears. His quiet cries are the last thing they heard at they strode from his quarters.
=================
Obi-Wan decided against attending Dylan's funeral. He and Qui-Gon had a sense that Master Sar did not want them there. And they refused to intrude anymore than was necessary. The evening of the funeral, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, stood on the balcony overlook of the temple, watching the colors of the sky as dusk touched down on the planet. Obi-Wan was quiet, as he had been since the death of his fellow student 2 days ago. Qui-Gon hoped that his presence alone would be enough for his apprentice...he had no words to offer. Everything he said seemed repetitive and meaningless.
After an hour, Obi-Wan broke the silence. "I still think about it. It still hurts. I should be thinking about Master Sar, but I don't. I think about myself. Why does is hurt so much Master?"
Laying an arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders, Qui-Gon pulled him close. "Because it's supposed to hurt. If it doesn't hurt, then you must worry. You feel the loss, you feel your pain. Normal human emotions. We laugh, we cry, we live, we learn...we hurt. There is nothing you can do to change that. In time, your pain will lessen. Until that time, and beyond it, I will be at your side. To laugh with you, cry with you, learn with you and to hurt with you. You understand that don't you?"
"Yes, Master. And I will do the same for you. I just want to hurt to go away."
Qui-Gon turned the young man around, and before the apprentice knew it, he was enfolded once again in the loving embrace of his mentor and best friend. His master spoke in a tone that only he could hear. "I know you do. Give it time padawan. Give it time."
They stood that way for several minutes, neither pulling away from the other. "I believe that the funeral is over now, the chamber will most likely be empty. Would you like to say goodbye to Dylan?"
Obi-Wan responded with a small nod of his head and muffled words. "Yes, Master, I would."
The pair separated, Qui-Gon draped an arm around his student. "We can take as long as you need to say goodbye, okay?"
"Thank you master."
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Obi-Wan spent only a few minutes at the pyre that had held Dylan Ness, but it was long enough for him to say the important words. From a distance, Master Sar, watched in sadness as Obi-Wan turned from the pyre and quickly fell into Qui-Gon's embrace.
He held no anger towards young Kenobi. Death was part of Jedi life. He had accepted Dylan's death, but knew that the spot in his heart would never completely heal. He took solace in the fact that Obi-Wan was finally coming to terms with his own pain...his own reality. Jevra was pleased that the young Knight had Qui-Gon to look to for the support and love that he needed.
His mind floated back to his own apprentice. He was proud to have known Dylan...to have had that special gift in his life for those 6 years. He watched Jinn and Kenobi leave the chamber, arm in arm, the padawan leaning heavily on the master. Silently, he said a final farewell to the son he had lost. He then welcomed the precious memories that he would hold dear for the rest of his life.
END
Author: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
Rating: PG
Summary: 5 years pre-TPM, angst, h/c, non-slash. Obi-Wan makes a mistake during a mission, and the results are deadly.
Disclaimer: George owns them, and I make no money here.
Feedback: Yes, Please!
Archive: Please ask me first.
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If I Fall Along the Way
======================
A young life ceased with a shrill cry that brought a Jedi Master to his knees. The mind-numbing scream penetrated his senses, and he watched as his apprentice collapsed where he stood. As Jevra Sar quickly raced to the side of his student, the Master could feel the life force fading from the 16-year-old boy. There was nothing that could be done. The last few breaths that Padawan Dylan Ness took were as he lay in the loving arms of his master.
For 6 years, Master Sar had the pleasure of training this one. Watching him grow from a boy to an honorable young man, was the greatest source of pride in the elder Jedi's life. Now, where there was once an exuberance and spark that was unmistakable, was only a feeling of emptiness. Master Sar hugged his apprentice close to him, whispering words that he knew Dylan would never hear.
One wrong move. That's all it took for a life to be extinguished. One mistake. The attention of one, lapsing for less than a few seconds. And Dylan Ness lay dead in the same place he stood so proudly just moments ago.
A few feet away, a young padawan, just reaching the age of 20, stood in shock. Obi-Wan Kenobi had known his mistake as soon as it happened. One fatal error in judgement. One second in time. He felt it and knew that there was nothing he could do to stop it. As the elder and more experienced apprentice, Dylan was his responsibility. But for a brief second, his attention was diverted. It was all the enemy needed to end the promising life of a 16-year-old boy.
Obi-Wan was frozen. Unable to move, his thoughts frenzied. Had he been to overconfident once again? Too cocky?
Qui-Gon Jinn knew his padawan well, and saw the images going through his students mind. As much as he needed to be at Obi-Wan's side, his first priority was to the grieving master and the lifeless body he held in his arms. Approaching Master Sar, Qui-Gon placed a supporting hand on his shoulder. "I am so sorry Jevra." There was no reply, or acknowledgment. "We must leave now, the guards will return. Can you stand?"
Jevra stood carefully, clutching the limp form of his dead apprentice. With encouragement from Qui-Gon, the younger master slowly made his way up the ramp and into the ship. Almost immediately, Jinn turned to his own apprentice. "Obi-Wan, come. We must leave." Obi-Wan said nothing. He offered a small nod and walked the same path that Master Sar has just moments before.
The flight home was short, less than 5 standard hours. Not a word was spoken between the 3 Jedi. The complete shock of this nightmare created a feeling of unease and sadness. Everything was...too real.
====================
Returning home, the 3 Jedi briefed the Council on the disastrous mission. The Council members observed the tension that hung in the air. A good deal of their attention was focused on Kenobi. His eerie silence was deafening. Every so often, they would watch as Master Sar glared at Jinn's apprentice. He mentioned the student by last name only, and the anger radiating from his being, filled the room.
Yoda directed his questioning away from the masters and directly at the young Knight. "What have you to say apprentice?"
Caught off guard, Obi-Wan took a moment to relax his breathing. Looking down, he starred relentlessly at the floor as the words filtered out. "It was an accident Master Yoda. I do not know how this happened. I...I made a mistake...I don't..."
Master Sar, overwhelmed by his frustration and anger, turned to Kenobi. "An accident? This is no accident apprentice. This is a complete screw up on your part. A COMPLETE SCREW UP...one that cost me the life of my padawan. You took EVERYTHING from me. You have no idea. Your so-called, 'mistake,' killed a boy. Never again will I see his face. He was my family, all that I had. And you are solely responsible for his death. Now, live with that on your conscience." He started toward the door, before turning to the Council. "If you will excuse me, my Masters, I must leave to plan my padawans funeral." As the master stormed out, an uncomfortable silence fell over the room.
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PART 2
That evening, Obi-Wan paced the floor of the apartment he shared with his master. Qui-Gon watched as the younger man became infuriated with himself. He waited for Obi-Wan to reach out for help, but that cry never came. "You're going to wear a hole in the carpet if you continue this pacing. Please sit down."
Obi-Wan scowled at the Jedi Master. "You're worried about the carpet? Sorry to tell you this Master, but there are more important issues at work here."
"Yes, I know. That was only meant as an icebreaker, to cut through the tension in the room. I sense an incredible amount of anger coming from you."
"Can you guess why? I killed a boy Master. A 16-year-old boy. I was supposed to protect him and instead, I got him killed. He is DEAD! And I can't do a damned thing about it." The pacing continued as Obi-Wan's control wavered.
"You did not kill him Obi-Wan. It was an accident as you told the Council. You made a mistake. We accept that these things happen. This is our duty as Jedi, the chances we take."
As voices and tempers began to flare, Obi-Wan started losing what was left of his questionable patience. "It was NOT an accident Master. I got to cocky, as I tend to do. Thought I had everything under control. HA! Was I wrong about that? My overconfidence got the best of me once again. You've warned me about that before haven't you? I replay that moment over and over in my head. Master Sar was right. I screwed up. Your precious Obi-Wan Kenobi screwed up. Deal with it Master, because it's true. I am responsible for Dylan's death."
Qui-Gon tried to reason with him. "We can work through this padawan."
Obi-Wan laughed sarcastically. "Padawan? Don't think I really deserve that title do I? Tell me how we can work this out Qui-Gon. HOW? I KILLED A BOY! Dylan is DEAD. BECAUSE OF ME!! HE IS DEAD!! HIS MASTER WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. NEVER!! How do I know what Master Sar feels? Huh? I DON'T. I can't begin to understand that. For 6 years he raised him, trained him, comforted him, loved him. Dylan's life is OVER!!! There is no more growing up. And you know what? It's all because of my STUPID MISTAKE. MY DAMN OVERCONFIDENCE!!!" His voice quieted. "That's all there is."
For the first time since the 2 had been master and padawan, Qui-Gon was at a loss as to how to help his apprentice. He didn't know how to make this pain go away. He was afraid that if he reached out anymore, Obi-Wan would only become more agitated and pull further away. Before he could say anything, Obi-Wan turned on him.
"Nothing to say Qui-Gon? That's a first. The great Qui-Gon Jinn has no advice to offer, no words of wisdom that will make everything better. No wonderful words for his precious apprentice? I killed him Qui-Gon. I did. I knew it as soon as I did it. I lost my concentration for a second. Dylan is gone. HE'S GONE!!! I CAN'T BRING HIM BACK NOW CAN I? Quite a student you have here Qui-Gon? HUH?...no...don't say anything. You raised me...see what I've become? Does is make you proud Qui-Gon? Are you proud of me now?"
Jinn had heard enough. He'd allowed Obi-Wan to have his release, now it was his turn to vent his emotions. He stood up and approached the young Knight. "You've stepped way over the line here Obi-Wan. Way over! You have no right to speak to me as you have. NO RIGHT! I have listened to what you have said. I hear you and I understand your pain, but this is the wrong way to deal with this. No, you can't bring him back. Nothing you do will change the fact that he is dead. Dylan is dead. That is what you must live with...what you must deal with for the rest of your life. This will scar you forever."
Obi-Wan shook his head, refusing to meet the older Jedi's eyes. "You don't understand."
"How wrong you are...so very wrong. I lived what you live now. I have been there. What you feel now? I have felt. The anger inside. It solves nothing."
Finally, the apprentice sought out the concerned eyes of his teacher. "I killed him Master. He was only a boy. He had his whole life in front of him."
"You see only one part of this Obi-Wan. Look deeper. See both sides. What about what Master Sar feels? You talked about him before. Yes, you have to deal with the fact that your mistake led to the death of a boy, a fellow padawan. Master Sar, must deal with the reality that the boy he raised for the last 6 years of his life is gone. What hell is he going through right now? You don't see that do you?"
Again, Obi-Wan dropped his gaze. "I...I...didn't think about that. I..."
"Think about what his suffering feels like. The one person that meant more to him than anything, is lost. The anger he showed earlier? It wasn't directed at you. You are a convenient outlet. He will mourn his loss the only way he knows how."
The apprentice struggled for words. "I...I..."
Qui-Gon continued. "He feels what I would feel had it been you rather than Dylan. Do you want to know what I have been doing since this happened? I have been thanking the force over and over that this was not you. That I still have you at my side. I am so thankful that it was Dylan rather than you. Does that make me less of a man? An undeserving Jedi? No...it only makes me human. My sadness at the loss of Dylan is overwhelmed by the relief that you are still with me. I cannot explain these emotions. I do know that this hurts you Obi-Wan. Force, I know. But you are not alone in your pain. Master Sar is hurting. I am hurting." He paused before continuing. "Please don't make me the enemy here padawan. I will not judge you by these actions. Your feelings tell the truth. The anger and frustrations are overwhelming you. I know you are scared...unsure. But we must honor Dylan's death by celebrating his life. He deserves nothing less."
As Qui-Gon's words sank in, Obi-Wan's aggressions came to the fore. Unclipping the saber hilt from his belt, he hurled it across the room, shattering a glass table that sat at the entranceway to the kitchen.
"That won't help you deal with your feelings Obi-Wan. It won't make the pain go away. You made a mistake. You have to live with that."
Surveying the shattered glass, Obi-Wan leaned over a retrieved the saber. "Lot of damn good damn this thing did. I thought I was so good. I have got a lot to learn don't I? A mistake. Just a mistake, that's all it was. One life ended. All in a days work right?"
Slowly, the stoic master moved closer to the student. "Good, wallow in self-pity. That will get you no where. The only way to deal with this is to confront it head on."
Letting out a deep breath, Obi-Wan fought his emotions. "I don't want to confront this. I want it to go away. I want to forget that this happened."
"You can do that padawan. This is something that will live with you. What you need right now is room. A little breathing room. Allow your mind to settle, and to find peace...calm the emotions that conflict within you."
Find peace? The young Jedi didn't know if that was possible. He took a calming breath. "I killed him master. He's dead because of me. There is no one else to blame. I did it. It was my mistake. And, like you said, I have to live with the outcome of that mistake. But, it's so hard. I heard him yelling. He was telling me where the other guards were coming from. For a split second, I lost my focus. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I let myself be distracted, and Dylan paid for it with his life."
Qui-Gon urged him to continue. "Do not stop padawan. Talking about it can only help."
Realizing that the older Jedi spoke the truth, Obi-Wan continued. "I...I have this...this feeling, this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. This knot that won't go away. Gods, master...it hurts so much. How do I make it stop?"
The pain coming from the apprentice was so intense, that the young man's defenses were being torn down. Gently, Qui-Gon took his friend by the arm and led him to the balcony of their apartment. "The sun is beginning to fall, I know how much you enjoy watching sunsets. It's so beautiful and peaceful. So...simple. Our world is so complicated anymore, sometimes you have to sit back and see something as simple as the beauty of a sunset, in order to find yourself again."
Beside him, the young Jedi sighed heavily. "It can't take the pain away."
The Jedi Master hung his head. "No, it can't. Only time can do that. I wish I knew what to say Obi-Wan. How to take this away. I can't do that. And you don't know how much that hurts me inside."
Stealing a sideways glance at his mentor, the younger man stilled. "I have listened to your words master, and you know what I keep thinking? What if it was me and not Dylan like you said. Would you suffer as Master Sar is? How would you handle this, if it were me? I can't understand that side of it. I try to, but I can't see past my own frustration, my pains, my fears...my mistake." He watched as the last of the planets sun faded behind the horizon.
Qui-Gon took the apprentice by the shoulders and forced the youth's tired eyes to look deeply into his own. Several times, Obi-Wan tired to look away, but to no avail.
"No. Obi-Wan, look at me." He shook the smaller shoulders slightly. "The pain of losing you would be more than I would want to, or know how to deal with and accept. It would force me to reexamine all that I am, all that I stand for. Just as you do now. Master Sar is doing the same as we speak. How can one second in time, so drastically change the life of a Jedi? Believe me, I feel your pain as deeply as I feel my own." He placed a hand under Obi-Wan's chin, and forced the eyes to meet once more. "You are everything to me Obi-Wan. For the first time in a long time, I have honestly examined what it would feel like to lose you. That scares me, more than you can ever know. I see how quickly a loved one can be lost. You are the most important thing in my life. Everyday, you give me a reason to get up, to enjoy life. To watch you grow and learn, makes me feel as if my life is complete so long as you are with me. I cannot imagine my life without you by my side. Dylan's death has forced me to see that. Master Sar's pain is real. I feel it as if it was my own. But as much as it hurts, we cannot dwell on what we can no longer control. We all must move forward, you must move on and put this behind you. I know you hurt inside. I am here. Should you need to talk, laugh, yell or cry, I am here and will not allow you to go through your pain alone. I need you in my life Obi-Wan, I know that now, more than ever. I don't know what I would do, if I lost you."
Silent tears fell from the young eyes as the apprentice stumbled through his words. "I...I should speak w...with...Master Sar. Tell him how sor...orry I am for his loss. He hurts for...for Dylan."
Sorrow filled those last few words, and hit Qui-Gon like a saber to the gut. Unsure what to say next, the Jedi Master reached forward and pulled his student towards him, enfolding the smaller body in his arms. Obi-Wan breathed deeply before leaning his head on his master's chest. A few small sobs escaped, ones that Obi-Wan did not attempt to hide.
Qui-Gon held the embrace. "It'll be all right padawan," he said as he rubbed his hand in slow circles across the young man's back. "We will get through this together."
Minutes passed before Obi-Wan pulled away. He wiped at his eyes with his tunic sleeve. The taller Jedi held him at arms length. "Okay?" The apprentice nodded and blinked his eyes repeatedly to stop the burning tears. "Can we go see Master Sar now?"
"We can, yes." Together, they left the apartment.
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PART 3
Master and apprentice approached Jevra Sar's quarters. The weary Jedi answered the door, his eyes bloodshot and shadowed with dark circles.
Qui-Gon spoke first. "Jevra, we apologize for disturbing your during you grieving period, but Obi-Wan requested to see you for a moment."
Master Sar backed away from the door opening. "Thank you, please come in."
They sat in the common area, Jevra watched closely, the body language of the apprentice before him. Part of him, jealous that Kenobi's master still had his padawan alive and well. As he eyed the young man, he saw the rapid, nervous breathing and felt the immense fear that radiated from him. "Padawan Kenobi, you wish to address me?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes, Master Sar. I...I...am sorry for your loss. I...know that I screwed up...as...as you said. I c...can't take back w...what happened. I can't bring Dylan back, but I...I don't know how to deal with this. My pain clouds the reality of this...that you lost...someone you loved very much. Everything is swirling around in my head right now. It's...just...I...wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Dylan h...had such a bright future in front of him. I...can't begin to understand what you feel, what you are going through. I'm sorry." The student hung his head, no longer able to meet Jevra's intense gaze.
"Padawan Kenobi, look at me." Obi-Wan paused briefly before obeying the master's request. "Thank you. No, you cannot begin to understand my loss, my pain...my sorrow. Dylan was a son to me, as I am sure you are to Master Jinn. Dylan gave me 6 of the happiest years of my life. I will miss him dearly. This is not something that will go away anytime soon. My pain is very real...you see that now. And I know that your own pain is real as well. I do not hate you, if that is what you are wondering. I do not look down on you for what happened. You are a fine Jedi and will make a great Knight someday. Qui-Gon should be proud of what you have become. But my mind is else where. Once things have settled and I have regained my focus, you and I will talk more. This is not your fault, do not blame yourself. And do not believe that I blame you for Dylan's death. We are human, we make mistakes. This mistake just happened to lead to the death of my apprentice. For now, he is what occupies my thoughts. Now, if you would please excuse me gentlemen, I have matters to attend to."
Qui-Gon took Sar's hand in his own. "We will see ourselves out. Should you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Come Obi-Wan."
As they left the room, the sounds of Master Jevra Sar overcome by sadness, filled their ears. His quiet cries are the last thing they heard at they strode from his quarters.
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Obi-Wan decided against attending Dylan's funeral. He and Qui-Gon had a sense that Master Sar did not want them there. And they refused to intrude anymore than was necessary. The evening of the funeral, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, stood on the balcony overlook of the temple, watching the colors of the sky as dusk touched down on the planet. Obi-Wan was quiet, as he had been since the death of his fellow student 2 days ago. Qui-Gon hoped that his presence alone would be enough for his apprentice...he had no words to offer. Everything he said seemed repetitive and meaningless.
After an hour, Obi-Wan broke the silence. "I still think about it. It still hurts. I should be thinking about Master Sar, but I don't. I think about myself. Why does is hurt so much Master?"
Laying an arm around Obi-Wan's shoulders, Qui-Gon pulled him close. "Because it's supposed to hurt. If it doesn't hurt, then you must worry. You feel the loss, you feel your pain. Normal human emotions. We laugh, we cry, we live, we learn...we hurt. There is nothing you can do to change that. In time, your pain will lessen. Until that time, and beyond it, I will be at your side. To laugh with you, cry with you, learn with you and to hurt with you. You understand that don't you?"
"Yes, Master. And I will do the same for you. I just want to hurt to go away."
Qui-Gon turned the young man around, and before the apprentice knew it, he was enfolded once again in the loving embrace of his mentor and best friend. His master spoke in a tone that only he could hear. "I know you do. Give it time padawan. Give it time."
They stood that way for several minutes, neither pulling away from the other. "I believe that the funeral is over now, the chamber will most likely be empty. Would you like to say goodbye to Dylan?"
Obi-Wan responded with a small nod of his head and muffled words. "Yes, Master, I would."
The pair separated, Qui-Gon draped an arm around his student. "We can take as long as you need to say goodbye, okay?"
"Thank you master."
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Obi-Wan spent only a few minutes at the pyre that had held Dylan Ness, but it was long enough for him to say the important words. From a distance, Master Sar, watched in sadness as Obi-Wan turned from the pyre and quickly fell into Qui-Gon's embrace.
He held no anger towards young Kenobi. Death was part of Jedi life. He had accepted Dylan's death, but knew that the spot in his heart would never completely heal. He took solace in the fact that Obi-Wan was finally coming to terms with his own pain...his own reality. Jevra was pleased that the young Knight had Qui-Gon to look to for the support and love that he needed.
His mind floated back to his own apprentice. He was proud to have known Dylan...to have had that special gift in his life for those 6 years. He watched Jinn and Kenobi leave the chamber, arm in arm, the padawan leaning heavily on the master. Silently, he said a final farewell to the son he had lost. He then welcomed the precious memories that he would hold dear for the rest of his life.
END