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The Mirror of ****B **Y ***F

Chapter 1

"…while Gladys Migglethump revolutionized the use of the enhanced mortar and pestle in preparing Syvilbrillyth for use in Gungle potion, which was widely used in the goblin wars of the fourteen twenties. Meanwhile Khan Vladimir of the Transylvanian Warlock Confederation had amassed an army of giants in the Carpathians and was preparing to march on Prague. Our primary source for the diplomacy proceedings come from the Scottish warlock Angus Cullen, who sent a letter to his brother detailing the exchanges and concessions that…"

Professor Binns. Harry had often thought, on nights when his thoughts wouldn't let him sleep, about whether the professor would object to floating up to Gryffindor tower and giving him a private lecture. He had even floated the idea to Ron once.

"That sounds funny. 'Private lecture' hehe. A private lecture with Professor Binns."

In any case he really was asleep now, drooling all over his parchment where he'd written several obscenities directed at Hermione-who really was kind of a bitch as it turned out. His dreams had started out pleasantly enough, with himself and Ginny lying in a sun drenched mountain meadow next to a gurgling brook. They kissed passionately as songbirds chirped gaily overhead.

"Oh Harry," Ginny said. "…Fuck me will you? In the ass?" But as Harry started to fumble under her robes she abruptly transformed into Professor McGonagall, who licked her lips lasciviously and trailed her hands down his back.

"Yes Potter, in the ass if you please." But before he could recoil in horror she had transformed into Lord Voldemort. He held onto Harry with a vice like grip and spoke in his high cold voice.

"Haven't you ever wondered, Potter, about what these several strange transformations I've been through have done to my genitalia? Have you never been seized with the desire to throw up my cloak and behold what mysteries lie underneath? Well in any case you needn't worry as I've always preferred to take it *in the ass*." Harry struggled fruitlessly, and then realized with horror, that something hard and pointy was poking him in the side.

"Ah my new wand," said Voldemort, laughing wickedly. "Oak and dragon heartstring, fourteen inches. I believe Ollivander remarked on how it's rather more *thick* and *rigid* then one usually sees."

"Oh fuck me," said Harry.

"With pleasure," said Voldemort.

"Wait no that's not what I…" Harry trailed off and continued to pull away from Voldemort. He thought he could hear a buzzing sound like bees. And someone calling his name. And Voldemort poking him…"

"Harry? Harry? Harry!" Harry woke with a start. It had been Seamus Finnigan poking him from across the aisle.

"Fuck!" Harry said loudly.

"Is something the matter there Poppins?" asked Binns, floating over to hover next to Harry.

"Er..no. All fine," muttered Harry.

"Oh, well…as I was saying, the summit on the banks of the Rhine resulted in the creation of several new cooperative committees which helped to prevent…" Binns floated back to the front of the room.

"Fuck was that about?" hissed Harry at Seamus.

"Sorry Harry, nearly the end of the period and I forgot-Blaise Zabini gave me this note at break and told me to give it to you." Seamus handed Harry a fragment of parchment. Harry read the one line message.

*Behind the singing harpy tapestry on the fifth floor, after class.*

Harry headed up that way after the bell rang, but then had second thoughts. Did he really need to talk to Blaise? Yes. But no. Wasn't he hungry? Wouldn't it be better to head down to Great Hall for lunch? Yes.

It was all that bitch Hermione's fault, Harry thought as he turned abruptly on the main staircase between the third and fourth floors. Some friend she had turned out to be. He had gone with her into Hogsmeade just before Christmas-Ron had been sick-and they went for a drink at the Hog's Head (Harry gentlemanly bought Hermione's). And they talked over some things; Dobby's upcoming marriage, Ron's quidditch woes, homework, and then…

"Hermione, your parents are dentists right?" he had casually asked.

"Yes," she replied. "So?"

"Make quite a lot of money. Eh?"

"Erm, well, yeah they do alright I s'pose."

"And uh, d'you…d'you ever see much of that money?"

"What do you mean *see* it?" Hermione had asked, looking suspicious.

"Like uh…do you…Well the thing is Hermione, I'm in a little bit of debt. You know-just a little bit. And I don't quite have enough money to pay it off right now, you know. And that would be a bad thing. Very bad..." He had trailed off and twiddled his thumbs.

"But you're rich!" Hermione had said.

"Yeah. Yeah the thing is, I put a lot of money-actually pretty much all of it-in a special Sensible Wizard Saving Plan account at Gringotts. No way to take it out until next spring without incurring a fee equal to 99% of the total balance."

"Really?" Hermione had said skeptically. "That sounds sensible. Anyway I suppose you want me to loan you some money?"

"Well yeah. As we're friends and all. You and me."

"Did you ask Ron?"

"Oh fuck's sake, Ron doesn't have shit…"

"How much money do you need?"

"Well I think now it's about…um…500 galleons."

"Harry!" Hermione had squealed, her voice so high pitched that he could barely hear it. "But what did you do? Who do you owe it to?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well I'm not loaning you anything anyway."

"I..uh..what?" Harry hadn't been expecting this.

"Sensible Wizard Saving Plan…what a load of-"

"Please Hermione! I'll do anything? Back rub?"

Hermione hadn't wanted a back rub then, and she hadn't after they got back from Christamas when he brought it up again. Bitch.

Harry made it down to Great Hall and sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Ron, happy to see that Hermione was absent.

"Sup," said Ron. Harry said nothing as he grabbed some black pudding.

"You and Hermione aren't talking," Ron stated matter of factly.

"Nope," said Harry shortly.

"So why not?" asked Ron.

"She's a bitch," said Harry between mouthfuls of pudding.

"Don't call her that!" said Ron angrily.

"Call her what I want bro," said Harry. "I just know her better than you do."

"Oh yeah?" said Ron, flaring up and brandishing his fork. "What's that supposed to mean, exactly? You *know her better*? Shagged her have you?"

"Um…no."

"Yeah well, if you're going to shag her you should at least treat her better."

"I never shagged her."

"Yeah that's right. Just lie to me like it's no big deal. I'm not stupid you know. Seen the way you look at each other. I know how it is. Where do you do it then? Boys' dormitory? I was a few days late getting back from Christmas. Probably shagged on my bed just for a laugh eh? Eh?"

"Ron, can I just finish my goddamn pudding?"

Seamus sat down opposite them. "You two hear the news?"

"What's that?" asked Harry. Ron was still glowering.

"The Slytherin quidditch team all have new brooms. Longshaft 8000s, top of the line. Faster and more precise then any Firebolt."

"Oh…"

"0 to 100 miles per hour in two seconds," Seamus continued eagerly, waving around a copy of Witch Broomstick. "Sleek aerodynamic design; handle made from Cyprus, brush end made from finely honed beech saplings. You can execute a 180 degree turn in less than a second thanks to its revolutionary braking system. Senses the ground when you're in a dive and alters your sense of balance to pull it off perfectly. Good for traveling long distances, it has an onboard navigation system; like the broom actually *talks* to yo-"

"Seamus, can I just finish my godda-"

"Have you heard the news?" yelled Colin Creevy, running up to them.

"Yeah I was just telling Harry," said Seamus.

"I can't believe it. I'm so sorry Harry, I know you were good friends with him."

"Uh…I was good friends with *who*?" asked Harry.

"Well..uh…Hagrid…"

"What about Hagrid?"

"Well..uh..he just committed suicide."

"What!?" Harry jumped up. "No!"

"Drank five gallons of undiluted bobotuber pus," chimed in Dennis Creevy from behind Colin.

"Yeah what do you reckon boys?" said Malfoy loudly from over at the Slytherin table, where he had been listening in. "Sounds like it's going to be a *closed casket* funeral."

"You-" Harry began, but broke off, unable to find the words to voice his frustration.

"Then again where are they going to find a casket that big?" Malfoy wondered aloud. "They'll probably just feed his body to the giant squid haha…"

Before Harry could think of a reply McGonagall walked swiftly up. "Potter," she said. "I gather from your expression that you've heard the news?" Harry nodded. "Well then," she continued, "you should know that you're mentioned in Hagrid's will."

"Will?" asked Harry, perking up. Then again, he thought, how much could Hagrid possibly have been worth?

"Will," confirmed McGonagall. "It would seem that he left all of his worldly possessions to you-that is according to the will which he left in Dumbledore's care. But Madame Maxime has already come forward with another will-and she claims Dumbledore's is an elaborate forgery."

"Fuck me," muttered Harry.

"Excuse me?"

"So who gets Hagrid's shit?" asked Seamus.

"Unfortunately Madame Maxime's version of the will appears to be legitimate, and thus you'll need to go to Wizarding Court to defend your entitlement. Given that you're a student, the Ministry of Magic has elected to hold the hearings in the local court in Hogsmeade."

"Fuck me," said Harry.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," said McGonagall sternly. "Sorry for your loss."