Sometimes I wish you'd notice when you've hurt me.

I let you get away with so many things because I always hope that deep inside you actually care.

Most times I hope that you'll realize you went too far, went below the metaphorical belt. I hope that you'll realize that maybe this time you'll have to apologize. To soothe me. To make me feel better. That this time it's my turn. My turn to be comforted. My turn to be understood.

I act the way I do because I don't want to lose you. If something were to happen to you I wouldn't know what to do. The truth is, you matter to me. You have a place in my heart so big if you were to leave then I'd be forever lost. Incomplete.

The love I have for you can go as far as maybe platonic, perhaps not past that but it's definitely there. You and I can both pretend it isn't, but it is.

It's really hard to explain.

I wasn't ready to receive such a blessing. You came into my life when I least expected you. You rocked my steady moving ship and nearly threw me overboard. But I held on, because surprises are good. Always. At least you were. I'm sure of that at least.

I tell other people only good things about you.

I can't pretend that my mind hasn't been far crueler and sadly more brutally honest with myself. Some thoughts I can hide, others I simply can't. They're loud. Overpowering the optimistic voices with snappy and mean drawls. They confuse me. You confuse me. They hurt me. You hurt me.

Francis and Gilbert have held me so many times it's become a ritual.

They've been wanting to speak to you but I don't let them.

If I wanted you to know about this then I also want to tell you myself.

You bring out the worst and best in me. And I only show you the latter for reasonsyou already probably know.

The times you hurt me are very rare.

But they happen.

You never notice.

With my words I say "Maybe next time" but in my head I think "I know you never will."

Can you blame me? Can you really?

You push me away for good reasons. I try to understand. I try my hardest to turn my cheek and let it go. You're younger than I am. You haven't seen enough. Or perhaps you've see too much. Your grandfather hadn't really been kind to you. Even I wasn't blind to that.

You've only ever been truly angry with me once.

And I deserved it I guess. I wouldn't want to be preferred over someone else either.

But I hope you realize that I can't always be strong for you.

I can't always be stable. Or dependable. Or firm.

If you can get hurt then so can I.

If you can understand sadness then so can I.

If you can experience depression then believe me so can I.

You are as your brother, a nation, capable of feeling. You often forget that I am one as well.

All your life... I've been a pillar of stability. I've always been there for you. I try my hardest.

The happiness is a front. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Sometimes I feel like I should stop.

Stop pretending it doesn't hurt. Stop assuming you'll change someday.

But Dios I don't want you to change!

I've loved you all your life that you've spent with me.

I just wish-! I just wish...

I just wish you'd notice when you've hurt me.

I let you get away with so many things because I always hope that deep inside you care.

"Maybe next time..."

I'll finally accept that

"I know you never will."

AN: I just felt like writing this, tbh half of it had been written for a while now. Over the past few weeks/months there's been a lot of hate on Spain regarding his "worthiness" of being with Romano. For once I sympathized with him. Everyone has light and dark sides after all. I still love Lovi though.