**UPDATE** March 9 2013:
I've put a poll up on my profile page. I'm hoping you'll please tell me how YOU decide on what stories to read. Results will be viewable (except for any PMs I receive) once I close it. I will also make a special announcement about future plans on my profile at that time.
A/N: Uhh... Surprise? o_O;
Okay, seriously, I spent half the month working on this because (a) I needed a change for a bit to keep the creativity flowing, and (b) I *really* like the idea of Femslash February. This is one of two fics I'm squeaking in at the last minute for this event. The other should come out either late today or sometime tomorrow, and then it's back to Heaven and Hell and LiDB, I promise. ^_^;
In the meantime, I hope those of you who can appreciate a somewhat dark (for me anyway), psychological girl-girl tale might like this one. =)
Exhausted, Lenalee is about to lie down to sleep when she remembers there is one more thing she's decided to do tonight. Sleepy-eyed and yawning, she fetches an old leather-bound book, an ink bottle, and her trusty fountain pen from the single drawer of her night stand. Tonight she isn't writing a report with that pen. She muses to herself that if this finely crafted pen had a soul, it might be relieved to know of this break from monotony. Or perhaps it would be concerned? The personified pen is her most constant companion both at home and away— a comforting presence always, even as her mind remains occupied with other matters.
She removes the still-newish strap around the leather diary. She was gifted this book years ago, yet hasn't used it all that much. She only sets her favourite reservoir pen to its pages when she's feeling especially emotional, or if major events happen in her life. Lately, she has wondered if her life's current course may warrant its reemergence.
The persistent sense of something being 'off' is especially strong these days, but at the same time, she can't classify it. Whether it's basic emotionality, or whether that foreign sensation that's exerted its presence so insistently is related to something important happening in her life, she's just not sure. So perhaps, she thinks, journalling her thoughts might drag out the source of that unusual premonition.
It's worth a try at least, right?
XOXOX
July 18 - 19:48
It's only been since the other day I've been able to sleep relatively soundly again. I don't know how Miranda dealt with having insomnia for as long as she did. I mean, I hope I haven't terrified everyone with how completely off I've been lately. After only a few days, not only did I look awful, but I was moody, I could hardly concentrate on anything, and I was even starting to hallucinate!
The dark-haired person stalking away around a corner at the corner of my eye? Kanda. Light footsteps sneaking up behind me in the dining room? Lavi. Uniformed legs walking towards me while I'm lying on a couch in the lounge? Allen. When people call out Timothy's name it always makes me think of Timcanpy. (Then for the rest of the day, any golem at the edge of my vision is Tim!) I'm afraid he might have figured it out too— I can't get over the feeling Timothy's been avoiding me. Brother tells me I'm an open book. Are my thoughts really written all over my face?
I even took some stiff-postured visitor from another branch for Howard Link after blindly bumping into him in the hallway. Link! After we just had his funeral!
'Calming breaths, Lenalee.'
That's what brother would say. The way he comforted me when he first came to the Order and I always had his shoulder to cry on. But now, well Lvellie's been around his office a lot lately. Komui-nii seems busy.
I've been all nerves since Allen ran away and got blamed for Link's death, so I guess it's to be expected. Now that I can sort of sleep again, I've been having weird dreams, though. I can't remember what happened before, so I thought I'd pick up this old journal again, and write them down.
xoxox
July 22 - 04:13
Road was there. Again. I remember now. I dreamed of her before I had that bout of insomnia. I'm not sure how I could have forgotten such a lucid dream. Last night, she was just standing there and smiling smugly like she knew a big secret. She never said anything, though. Only her expression was taunting as she kept watching. Expecting something from me, yet regarding me without the typical malicious playfulness in her eyes. Without the cruelty I've known in her smile. I don't know why, but I didn't feel threatened at all. (Well. Not until I woke up. Now I'm totally freaking out!)
When I saw her in my dream I was nervous, anxious maybe, but I never feared for my life. One of the most frightening people in the world— a Noah. The one that nearly killed me and Allen, the first day we met. A Noah! But I wasn't scared of her at all?
I can't tell brother. He wouldn't be able to concentrate on his work. Reever's always so stressed out, I couldn't burden him. Miranda would worry herself silly. What if she stopped sleeping again too! Marie's so dependable, but he's on a mission with General Tiedoll. I don't know where General Klaud is but she's probably got her hands full with Timothy. Do I want to tell Krory? No, that'd be a bad idea. He's a sweet guy but even though he's older, he's kind of clueless. Johnny's a patient listener, but he's kind of naïve. What would he know about dealing with a Noah?
No. My memory of a Noah, I'll say. I don't know if it's actually her.
Anita, Mahoja, General Cross, Kanda, Allen— Allen! Even Lavi. Entire countries and continents of my world have broken apart; crumbling into the depths of the ocean where only my tears seem to reach. (I'm so miserable, they've surely reached there by now.)
I'm an Exorcist. I can fight! So why is there nothing I can do? Why is crying all I can do?
Why can't I protect anyone…
I don't know why. Why would I dream this? Why— if, God forbid, it's really her— would she invade my dreams? Why does it keep happening?
God help me. Please, if you're listening. If you're done sending my dearest loved ones away.
Please help.
xoxox
July 25 - 05:46
Three nights later I've had the same dream three more times… except instead of the same events repeating, each one is like a continuation of the last. (These dreams are oddly vivid considering how little happens in them. It's more like I'm awake than asleep?) The strangest thing: If her body language is anything to go by, it's like Road's been getting impatient? She's not so smug-looking anymore, either. Her smile is fading into a sort of false nonchalance. Kind of reminds me of Allen's cheeriness in the face of gloom, actually.
Allen, I miss your reassuring smile so much. Kanda, our sentinel— you're so strong you have to be alive! Lavi, stop keeping your distance, wherever you are, and come yell at me to stop crying like this! I want you to, this time.
No. I can't be this pathetic. I need to figure out what to do right now. I know that.
FOCUS, LENALEE!
Um. Yeah.
In my dreams, Road's also begun fidgeting— idly swinging her arms and looking off into the distance (though there's literally nothing there to see), or kicking her toe at the 'ground' (or is it a floor?) while watching her feet. Like a child, even though I know she's supposed to be the oldest Noah.
I think I can say now that each time, the dream seems "fragile" to me. Like if the wrong thing happens, it will fade away. Or maybe if I speak, and if I say the wrong thing, Road would just disappear. I don't want her to disappear. Yet. I need to solve this mystery! I need to know if this is a product of my own mind, or something more sinister is going on.
Like is there some sort of psychological reason for this? I can't ask the nurse; she wouldn't be suited to handling this. I still don't want to freak out my brother. And I don't want the Order higher-ups to learn about it. (God, please don't let them know.)
But if I keep this to myself any longer, I think I might go insane.
xoxox
July 25 - 12:32
Johnny really is such a great listener. Of course he was weirded out at first, but he turned thoughtful and empathetic soon enough. He's too mild-mannered to call me crazy, or lecture me about going to my brother. In fact he thinks it's a good thing I didn't. He's a good friend really, and I'm glad I still have him, even if I don't feel any safer now than I did before. No, not safer— confident. I don't feel any more confident.
By the way he spoke with such concern for Allen (as our conversation inevitably headed in that direction), I'm reminded what a big heart he has. Reever tells me Johnny's got a way with gadgets and machinery that few of the other scientists do, which is impressive in its own way. (He also confided once that Johnny has one-sided 'conversations' with the odd piece of equipment from time to time. Weird! But he's a trustworthy guy, all the same.) Since the North American Branch incident, he's seen as many of the Noah clan as me too… but the thing is, he isn't an Exorcist.
So while I do feel better, I don't feel reassured. But it's okay.
I'm the Exorcist. I need to find that confidence by myself.
xoxox
July 26 - 05:32
I almost said something this time. She really smiled again— genuine, like she meant it— like she wanted to hear from me! But then some really clumsy person made a racket dropping pails and soaps and mops and stuff all out of a hallway closet, all at once! Mine wasn't the only head that popped out of a door to check the corridor. Whoever it was, the person was gone by the time I got there though. Probably too embarrassed to stick around and be seen by a bunch of disgruntled Exorcists, awakened too early in the morning.
There's no way I'm getting back to sleep now.
Sigh.
xoxox
July 27 - 05:53
She's listless now. She's stopped smiling at all and… it's so weird. It doesn't make sense at all, but… I feel kind of sorry for her? If it's really her, I mean. God I am not making any sense anymore, am I? But it feels like… it's like she doesn't have any ill-intent. None at all. She's just… alone. And lonely.
Yet how could she be when she's got that big Noah family of hers?
I really should have said something. What made me lose my nerve?
xoxox
July 27 - 16:35
A dream RECORDING device?! Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, you're AMAZING!
He was so nervous (and worried) about suggesting it to me, but this has got to be fate! That there'd be a machine that can do something like that in the Science Department? I'm not completely clear on the details, but if it's anything like it sounds, then that's fantastic! I mean I'm not usually thrilled about being a guinea pig for experimental gadgets from the Science Department, but I trust Reever's judgment and he's boasted to me before— 'Johnny's inventions only do what they're supposed to do.'
Unlike my brother's nightmare contraptions! Haha. But Reever's so tactful, he doesn't say that part. It's only implied by his jumpiness, wild eyes, and broken-voiced response when I innocently ask whether Komui-nii ever tinkers on them. Hey, I can even laugh now.
(He doesn't, by the way. Tinker on them, I mean.)
Now, the only thing to worry about is making sure Johnny can get into and escape my room tonight without my brother finding out and trying to murder him. -_-;
Siiiiighhh…
xoxox
July 27 - 21:08
Oh thank God Marie's back from his mission. He's tired, but he and Miranda are going to join us tonight! They were speechless at first, but soon committed themselves without reservation. I'm so relieved, and really grateful because not only are they some of the best moral supports I have, but Marie can safely lead everyone over to my room without any worries about them being seen! Miranda remembers Road so she can share her impressions, and Marie will be there to help her keep it together while I'm unconscious.
Thank goodness for my friends!
Everybody should be here in about twenty minutes I guess. Gah, I'm so nervous!
What is wrong with me, getting all fluttery about talking to our enemy?!
xoxox
July 27 - 21:34
I'm so grateful everyone's here. They're even going to take turns with one person awake all night until it's time to listen in.
Johnny's setting up his materials while he explains everything that will happen while I'm "out." He's saying stuff about "electrodes" and "cochlear neurons" (spelling's as far as I go with that one) and "dream time flexibility" and so on and has totally lost the rest of us already. (Even Marie, who knows stuff about the "inner ear," is just as hopeless with Johnny's neuroscience babble.) Hahaha.
As glad as I am that everyone's here for me, there's this little part of me that doesn't like the idea of anybody being around to "watch" while I sleep. They won't really be watching though, so it's fine. They'll be listening. For whatever reason, that doesn't bother me as much as people watching my sleeping body. It's just kinda… embarrassing? Not that there'd be anything lewd about it (even if there was, I hardly care about that— not with my brother around to blow things out of proportion), but it's… weird. Watching me not moving, I mean. What if I make weird faces in my sleep?
Oh wow. What am I thinking before they're about to hear my dreams! -_-;
FOCUS!
Marie's keeping an ear out to make sure no one will interrupt us. Miranda's alternately smiling weakly and turning aside to steel herself with that gently "terrified-yet-determined-to-help" look of hers on her face. Maybe her earnestness is rubbing off on me but there's something really encouraging about knowing how hard she fights her inner demons. She's made so much progress since Allen and I found her, really. Back then I couldn't have said she'd ever be someone I look up to, but I really do now.
I've come to understand that fear of 'uselessness' a little, too.
Oh no it's time to start! No chickening out now, Lenalee.
Time to see if I can get her talking.
xoxox
July 28 - 05:48
Before I say anything to anybody I have to write down everything I remember, says Johnny. Here goes…
—
First thing I remember is thinking: 'She's an enemy, but she might be a figment of my imagination. How do I handle this?'
"Hello… Road."
(I decided to handle it all spacey, apparently. Whatever works. God, how embarrassing.)
She lit up like a Christmas tree and lunged at me, screaming joyfully: "You spoke to me!"
Then she threw her arms around me like we were old friends while I was shocked stiff. All I did was say two words to her, for goodness' sake. And the thought crossed my mind: 'What a drama queen. Or maybe princess?'
"Nah, you're the princess, princess," she quipped, backing away from me without breaking eye contact for a second. "Not as much a princess as Jasdero though, I'm afraid."
"You knew what I was thinking? You're a figment of my imagination, after all."
"Nope, I'm really here. It's within the realm of my abilities to read minds, you know. Takes a bit of concentration on my part, though," she winked and finally looked away.
"Can you prove you're the real Road Kamelot?"
"Oh don't worry, I can prove who I am, doll," she answered, producing a file from somewhere on her person, and getting to work on her nails.
"How?"
"You've brought me an audience!" she lit up again, and her nail file was suddenly stowed away again as she gestured grandly.
"Yes, but—"
"They're listening in, right?" She grinned with excitement.
"Well, y-yes, but— oh!"
"Yes, you got it. I'll talk to them about things you don't know about."
"You're pretty confident."
"Yes, and you want to want to believe that it's not me. But you don't," she smiled— that fake charming smile.
"Huh?" I was probably staring at her with a really stupid, wide-eyed expression on my face, just then.
(I've only figured out what she meant just now— as I write this. I always knew Road Kamelot was off her rocker. Why would I want her there?)
"Nothing~" she sang. "Let me see…"
I remember tilting my head in confusion and it was like I could hear the joints in my neck and shoulder creaking. Weary even in a dream! Road pouted at me, as if sympathetic.
"Good evening, Johnny Gill!" she began in greeting, speaking to the 'sky' (actually just more nothingness, just as in every other direction) above us. "Do you remember me from the North American Branch? I was in my 'little rag doll' form, back then. Anyway, you've been very worried about Allen lately, haven't you?"
'Of course he is,' I thought to myself, ignoring the doll thing for now. 'We all are.'
"Your newbie Exorcist, Chaoji Han— he isn't," she snapped directly at me.
"What?" I guess I said that more out of shock than failing to hear.
"Never mind," she rolled her eyes at me!
"Johnny, it's a very dangerous thing you're trying to do, you know. Are you really sure you want to press forward with it? Even if you manage to make it out of here, a little jogging and late night document stealing isn't going to do much for you when you're face to face with some of the Earl's kawaii akuma, now is it?"
"Johnny…" I murmured, feebly.
"Mr. Noise Marie. Hmmm," she opened, pensive. "You're equally worried for Kanda Yuu, and Allen too~. I like that you care so much for Allen. So I'll share with you; Kanda Yuu is alive, if only barely. Who knows? Maybe you'll even see him soon."
"Wait— Kanda is—?" I began, my voice small and hopeful.
"That man should have died for taking our 'Sweet Tooth' away." She scowled, her head turned aside. "I have nothing else to say about him."
"S-sorry." I never understood before how Allen could care so much for our enemies, but I pitied her right then. I could see it on her face— how afflicted she really was by the remembrance of her lost fellow Noah. They really do care about their 'family…'
"I also have nothing to say about the traitor Bookman or his unprofessional apprentice."
She read my mind again. Which means she probably knew I felt sorry for her too…
"Noise Marie, your ears did not deceive you; Howard Link is alive."
A shock went through my body at those words. In retrospect it's a wonder I didn't just wake up. "But we just had his funeral!"
"Miranda, Miranda~!"
"Stop it!" I cringed and then scowled at her as she ignored me and sang on like the merciless children in the village where we met.
"You've had some interesting dreams too, haven't you~~"
'Oh no, Miranda! This sounds too private—'
"Okay, okay, that's ENOUGH!" I piped up, desperate for Road to stop, and she smirked at me with a flash of that malice in her eyes that I hadn't seen so far. Yet I wasn't about to be intimidated now. "If it's really you, then why are you here?"
"Finally!"
She jumped forward again (joyous as earlier and malice gone without a trace), then took my hands in hers. Rather than allow myself to get distracted, I stood my ground and glared, demanding.
"I'm here," Road began, "because I somehow took damage protecting one of your precious friends from a monster— an Innocence."
She spat the word 'Innocence' with all the hatred I'd forgotten the Noah held toward it.
"What… does that mean?"
"What's important is that Allen's safe, at least for now." She squeezed my hands before letting go, then crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I expect Tyki and the others must be keeping an eye out for him too."
'The Noah are protecting Allen? Tyki Mikk is protecting Allen? From Innocence?' I repeated mentally, confused. 'This doesn't make any sense.'
It didn't occur to me then but thinking back, she spoke about the other Noah as if she hasn't been in contact with them for some time. Odd.
"That creepy Innocence damaged the connection between my dream world and the real world. The only way I can get in touch with anyone now is through their dreams."
"Oh…"
"But at least I have better access to people than usual right now. Most people, anyway…" Of course, I was only even more confused. In response, she smiled sweetly yet somehow genuinely as well, unfolding her arms and resting a hand on my left shoulder in a sort of sympathetic, comforting gesture I'm still not sure what to make of. "You want to know why I'm coming to see you, right?"
"Well, yes…"
I was frozen now as her too-hot palm dipped back to my clothed shoulder blade, stroking outward and up my bare arm. Warm fingertips stroked my jaw, which she took in her hand, it seemed, affectionately? "Because. I like you."
"H-huh?"
That's just how the girl is, isn't it? This is the part when Road did something I'm not sure I want to tell the others, embarrassing as it is. She brought her other hand's index finger to her lips in a soundless shushing gesture, miming: 'Shhh.' Then she ran her thumb over my cheek, leaned in, and kissed me! Still sensing the ghost of her lips on mine, I woke with a start, my heart racing.
I've just realized— no one in my room has said anything for a while, even to each other.
This can't be good.
xoxox
July 28 - 07:14
Seems Johnny's contraption worked: the others heard everything, and now we have reel-to-reels of the entire conversation. (According to Johnny, Road's dreams apparently happen in 'real time,' so he didn't have to make many adjustments. Whatever that means…)
Miranda, biting nails as she spoke, said she recognized Road's vocal demeanor right away. Johnny "had to admit" he knew exactly what Road was getting at. Marie looked very troubled, but really, we were all shocked at the implications of what he said she's apparently "confirmed."
If she's telling the truth, the Order is knowingly making the false accusation that Allen murdered Howard Link. I've noticed a couple of times how Miranda's eyes darted back and forth between Marie and me in concern. As for me, this new hope that Kanda is alive— and may even be on his way home— has brought me to tears a couple of times since I woke up. I want to see him again so badly, but he shouldn't have to come back here once he's finally become free.
I read them the essential bits of what happened while I was dreaming, explained we didn't really move around all that much, and there was nothing else there to see.
I'm keeping the kiss to myself.
So now that I know the real Road Kamelot is (harmlessly? ) appearing in my dreams each night, what should I do? After over an hour of chatting about it, no one has a clue.
xoxox
July 29 - 01:48
Road refused to speak this time. No matter what I said, she wouldn't talk. Everything else was the same though. The same temperature-less, colourless, empty void. The same girl who should scare me acting like a friend. Or something.
Road signalled her resolute refusal to make a sound by pointing to me, then to herself, and holding up her index and middle finger together— clearly signifying her and me. She brought those two digits toward her mouth, almost like General Cross taking a drag on a cigarette, but once they'd just reached her lips, she turned them to mime 'hush' while staring pointedly at me. Then she brought the fingers over her heart, smiling sadly.
Keeping that hand's two fingers in place over her chest, she brought the other up into the air at the side of her head. Next, she lifted one, then a second, then a third finger; and looked up into the skyless void, as if peering out into the world outside this dream. At the end of her short pantomime, she put on a cold, defiant expression, and jerked her head toward those three representative fingers once.
She was standing firm, these motions said; she wanted the others gone. I think I just stood there wide-eyed and gaping the entire time. Mesmerized. However I soon snapped out of that reverie.
'I guess to her, they've served their purpose,' I thought ruefully to myself.
Road smiled wickedly, nodding in agreement. (I forgot she could read my thoughts!)
She drew her eyebrows in, almost penitent; smiling apologetically (though also contentedly), and waving goodbye. Then, looking bored, she pointed to where an open, three-walled version of my empty bedroom suddenly appeared out of nowhere— scenery! That was when I woke up in my actual not-so-empty room.
Marie and Miranda are fast asleep next to each other on the floor now, with only my two pillows to cushion them. (I went without.) Poor Johnny's barely hanging on to wakefulness— even as he sits in a hard wooden chair, his eyes keep shutting on him and he keeps veering forward before catching himself. (He's drooling a little. Heh.)
Really though, I feel so awful about making them come here tonight. I really should get the three of them to leave— so they can sleep comfortably in their own beds. We can keep the dream recording device going, after all. They can listen to it later!
XOXOX
Road is sitting on the 'floor' (ground?) with her legs drawn up in front of her when Lenalee becomes aware within the dream.
"These are your dreams, you know."
"My dreams?"
"If you were in my dream, you probably wouldn't get a decent night's rest." Road rests her sprightly tongue upon her front teeth as she watches for Lenalee's response.
Almost sounded like some kind of innuendo, not being able to 'rest…'
In any case, it seems Road knows all about Lenalee's bout of insomnia.
"Probably?"
The Noah girl sighs and proceeds in a drawl: "I'm kind of 'grounded,' you could say. Until my connection to the real world is fully 'repaired,' at least. So I bide my time in other people's dreams. I am never going to hear the end of this from JasDevi when I get back… "
"Other people's dreams?"
"Yes, yours aren't the only ones I've visited," she answers teasingly. "Are you jealous?"
Somehow it did feel unpleasant to hear, but that can't be jealousy, Lenalee decides.
"You must have realized I've visited many of your friends' dreams, and was able to learn some things that way. Lero will be pleased, though I bet he'll also bug me about 'Miss Road consorting with the hateful Exorcists, lero!' …or whatever," she imitates the umbrella-like golem's needling voice while rolling a hand around dismissively at what she imagines it would say.
Mind reading notwithstanding, Lenalee knows her face itself must be expressing her deepening concern for everyone else at Home… and beyond.
"I told you," Road assures her, again waving a disinterested hand in the air; "I can't hurt people in their own dreams. Only in mine."
"But you're still violating our pri—" Lenalee cuts herself off abruptly, not knowing what she truly wants to say. What, is she going to lecture the Noah, Road Kamelot, about spying on her enemies?
"Oh the Earl has hinted before that he'd like me doing reconnaissance but it bores me to tears, just watching people. Especially for the kinds of things that he wants to know. Blech. I don't even like mind reading all that much either. Not most people's incredibly dull minds, anyway. Even if I find someone interesting, I don't get off on listening in on the person's thoughts constantly like that pervert Wisely," Road muses with a strangely sentimental sort of indignation. "Also, even when I hide my presence, some people's minds just outright reject me. Not most, but some."
Lenalee tilts her head a little; curious at that part.
"That Kanda Yuu was one," she offers, pushing up off the 'ground.' "He really means it when he says he hates us Noahs."
"Kanda…"
"I can't hold it against him, though. I hate most humans, myself," she laughs, stretches her arms, then gossips on; "He wasn't nearly as walled-off as the junior Bookman was, though! How delicious that for the short time I was able to see into his mind, the mighty Kanda Yuu's thoughts revolved constantly around a certain 'bean sprout.' Constantly!"
She licks her lips lasciviously. It does something rather unsettling to Lenalee's insides.
"You're similar," she continues, pointing at and beginning to walk toward Lenalee. "The way you think about Allen and all the others you hold so dear, so much of the time."
"So why— what are you doing with me, then?" Lenalee stands her ground.
Road only smiles now, and there are distant voices drawing near—muffled, yet billowing toward them as if from somewhere in the distance.
"Mistress road, why are you making her look pretty?"
"Weapons like you guys wouldn't understand…" Road's echoing voice answered. "An exorcist doll is a rarity you know."
"Rewinding… Town?" Lenalee had fought to protect Allen while he was knocked out, but soon found herself cut off from what Allen and Miranda were experiencing with Road— apparently due to nerve damage from a sound wave-emitting akuma.
Allen told her later that she just sat there; eyes vacant and body lifeless as a puppet with cut strings. She vaguely recalls Road had brought her into another dream within the dream, back then. She couldn't remember it, however, so she didn't bother reporting that fact or telling anyone, lest the higher ups at the Order get wind of this and come up with some 'ideas' on how to extract that memory from her mind. Just the thought makes her shudder.
"Yes, that was the place," the Road who is with her agrees.
Road's echo pipes up again: "So you're called 'Lenalee…' Such a cute name!"
Present Road explains: "The voices you're hearing are memories from when we met. You weren't awake, and your hearing was likely just about gone, but you could still catch a little, it seems. They're also my memories, so I can bolster them a little, hopefully without 'breaking' your dream…"
Road sounds uncertain. For a second, Lenalee thinks it might have even shown on her face.
"Yes, black definitely looks good on you…"
"You know I never got to find out what you thought of that dress and hairstyle I gave y…"
"Road Kamelot," Lenalee cuts in sternly. "You still haven't answered my question."
"Oooh my full name!"
"Why are you visiting my dreams? What is it you hope to gain?"
"That's two questions," she grouses childishly, turning away with hands on her hips.
Lenalee's determination is building now. She's let Road lead the conversation for too long. However, that determination proves fruitless as Road chooses to stop speaking again. Mute but smiling, she points to the non-sky, then to her ear, and then shakes her head and wags her finger; scolding. Now Lenalee is the child?
Oh that's right, she actually is older. It's so easy to forget.
Road isn't going to answer her properly while voices are being recorded.
XOXOX
July 29 - 07:24
There was nothing productive in this dream! What should I do?
Lenalee sets herself upon the task writing out the dream in summary once again, embarrassing and gossipy as its contents now make her feel. Her pen forgives her for leaving out details about the scene in Rewinding Town, inconsequential as they are.
xoxox
July 29 - 21:42
For the first time since we began speaking, I'm going to sleep without any sort of recording device, and no one else in the room. It took some convincing of the others, but I think it's true at the very least that she can't harm people in their own dreams.
XOXOX
As expected, Lenalee finds herself alone with Road again. The real Road Kamelot— in a shared level of consciousness, if not in the flesh. And by virtue of Lenalee's persistence at persuading the others, they aren't being recorded this time.
As she arrives, Road is waiting of course. She immediately speaks instructions, her voice sober and serious: "Let me test out my powers a little. I just want to make it cozier in here…"
Lenalee starts a little in fright when Road's dagger-like candles appear, offering an ominous sort of warmth and light. They had already been able to see each other in the neutral 'darkness,' so why is this necessary?
"Don't worry, they won't hurt you," Road laughs, as if the very thought is ridiculous. This despite the fact the Noah's candles had been used to brutalize Exorcists in the past. "I told you, I can't. Also, right now I don't want to."
Lenalee finds the words believable enough. As creepy and scary as the girl has been in the past, it occurs to her, she hasn't ever heard her tell an outright lie. Large teddy bears and dolls appear— tucked into the room's corners. Gothic portraits emerge out of nowhere to complement textured wallpaper. At the same time, Lenalee Lee realizes she trusts Road Kamelot's words.
"That's good so far. Now… hmm… oh, I know!" She looks pleased with herself as a plush purple love seat materializes at her left side— Lenalee's right. "Have a seat."
"What are you…?" Lenalee trails off even though she's finally found it in here to begin to ask about Road's intent.
"Like I said, it's a test!" She answers with a festive cheer, and approaches with an eager gleam in her eye. Lenalee takes a step back— perhaps overcompensating for her earlier mental admission of 'trust.' Road continues toward her. When she backs up some more, eyes locked on the Noah's casually advancing form, something soft trips her up from her heels to her calves. She's falling backward onto that same fluffy, purple two-seat sofa, which Road just replaced right behind her. "Good, you're not waking up!"
"Wha—" A startled Lenalee places her hands on either side of herself, as if to push off, but… it's a fairly comfortable seat and isn't doing any harm, so why not stay?
"I didn't try to manipulate your dreams before, because then your mind would probably have retreated," Road pouts, recalling the slight dejectedness Lenalee sighted in earlier dream visits. "I want you to stay with me for a while."
"What— why? And why am I not waking now?"
"You're beginning to trust me," she boasts. "You had doubts earlier but I could tell even then that you didn't really fear for your life. You weren't guarded. That helps."
A rush of emotions comes over Lenalee right then. She's not confident she can classify most of them, or describe the storm they create within her… but she's positive she truly isn't frightened by any of this. Not really.
That's dangerous, though… trusting a Noah…
She remains unafraid even as Road sits down nearby.
"Th-that's ludicrous!"
"Oh?" She coos, teasingly accommodating as she leans in from her place at the far end of the couch; "Why so?"
"B-because… isn't it obvious?" Lenalee lets out a forced laugh. "You're a Noah!"
"Don't you trust Allen? He's a Noah too."
"Allen's an Exorcist!" she shouts, outraged.
"Not for long," Road narrows her eyes cruelly.
Lenalee's eyes are welling up with tears already. "Why are you doing this?"
"Didn't I tell you why I'm here? I'll say it again: I like you."
Reaching across the couch, Road tries to caress Lenalee's cheek but this time she's able to slap the hand away. "How can you— You're not making any sense!"
"There there," she draws closer now, despite Lenalee's defiance. "Can I explain something to you?"
Lenalee stares in silence, angry tears rolling down her face.
"Allen's a Noah— meaning he's family to me now. You're like a big sister to him… although unlike us, you obviously aren't related in any way."
What on earth is she getting at?
"Isn't it natural I might like someone my beloved family member loves like a sister?"
"Uhh…"
"Our sweet, sweet Allen is a puppet, a doll— a vessel…"
"How dare you!"
"…yet the day we met," she draws nearer still, whispering: "I thought you were the one pretty as a doll."
All at once, Lenalee is sitting in a tall, flamboyant, vertically-striped and padded chair. Her prior casual wear has been replaced. Now her hair is in an extravagant updo, and she finds herself wearing a fancy black ball gown.
"What's this?" she asks, looking down at herself and feeling her hair.
"I'm just giving the story a bit of dramatic flare to make things more interesting," Road answers; simply and cryptically all at once. But then, she sighs and mumbles to herself; "Debitto would love to see this, if I could only show him…"
Early in the morning, Lenalee dutifully commits the summary of her dream to paper, expanding on the last portion of it with additional thoughts of her own…
XOXOX
July 30 - 06:01
That's when I started to remember the dream from way back then! Yet I also woke up.
I don't know if it's because of Road, but I remember that dream now: the one from way back then. Perhaps due to my injuries, I was in a haze, though— barely able to focus within the dream…
"Who… are you…?"
"Road Kamelot. These Level Two Akuma are with me."
"With… you? What about… Earl of the Millennium?"
"The Earl and I are family."
"Family… Why… attack us?"
"Ooh boring. I wanna ask you a question instead. You're such a pretty girl, Miss Exorcist. Have you got someone that you like? Such as this boy, perhaps?"
(I was straining for greater clarity, but Road showed what was happening outside the inner dream— where we were trapped in her dream world.)
"Allen— Let him go—"
"Yes, I can see you are starting to develop feelings for this Allen."
"Let him go. Let him go. Let Allen go…"
I feebly repeated myself over and over, until the next thing I knew I was regaining consciousness inside Miranda's barrier, and the memory of that dream was fading.
Even more so than the ones now, I wonder: What was she getting at with that dream?
xoxox
July 31 - 06:00
All I can do is write the dream:
"You've remembered now, Lenalee Lee."
"Yes."
"I can see why you were starting to like him, back then," she said. I only stared back. "But now you've realized he doesn't quite care for you in that way. Now if only daddy would realize the same thing goes for me~"
"It doesn't matter. But maybe you can tell me something about him? Is he safe?"
"I'm sorry, I'd really like to—" Road sounded especially earnest here. "—but I can't tell you a thing about how Allen is doing now."
"What? Why not?"
"It's a sort of side effect of my current situation: I can't reach other Noah. Their dreams are off limits."
"But Allen's not— Surely you haven't tried—"
"Hm? I can't even find any connection to his dreams in order to try. He's not rejecting me like that Kanda Yuu did either, mind you. He's just not accessible, and you know perfectly well why that is. He's becoming a Noah."
"Allen will find a way to stop it. He's not the type to give in so easily."
"For what it's worth, I really do like Allen a lot, so it will be sad for me too when he becomes the Fourteenth. It's just… something you have to accept."
Not even the slightest hint of joy in her words, this time. She honestly believes this.
"Allen…" I didn't care anymore what circumstances I was under. I was so overcome that all I could do was cry and mourn a boy who probably isn't even dead, yet whom I may very well never see again. (I wish Lavi were here, like the last time.)
All of a sudden, I felt warm arms wrapping around me from behind. Road's embrace. "Allen was the last one who saw me before I disappeared from the real world, you know. As I was fading away, he was so worried he ran forward and tried to capture me in his arms. Even though I'm a Noah, and he's fighting to resist becoming one, he cared that much."
I felt no need to fight against her embrace, even as she dropped her head on my shoulder. I even found myself commiserating; "Allen's always cared for everyone around him— even the akuma. No one gets any special treatment from him."
"That's true," she said, rubbing my arms consolingly. "Though I'll never forget how hard he cried when he thought Kanda Yuu died. It's funny, in comparison, how small a reaction he displayed when he thought the entire North American Branch had been wiped out."
Road laughed a little, and I could swear I felt some moisture on my shoulder. Tears. Without thinking, I raised my forearms and clasped hers above the wrists. So we were front to back with arms overlapping when she buried her nose against my neck.
There was definite wetness there.
"Road." She raised her head from my shoulder as I found the courage to address her; "I think I understand why you're here now. You've got a world to travel and no one to share it with— you feel isolated. Maybe I can relate to how you feel. Just a little bit."
"It's funny," she took a deep breath and even sighed before continuing: "An Exorcist coming to understand me like this…"
Hot breaths spread out against my neck, but I felt a deeper warmth spreading throughout my body at the same time. "Misery loves company, huh?"
Never in a million years did I think I would find myself in a position like I did, then. Exorcist and Noah, hugging each other front to front, until I finally found I'd cried myself awake. Real tears had even escaped my closed eyes to drip down my face.
So, Allen. Is this what it's like to feel compassion for the enemy?
XOXOX
"You're in better spirits tonight."
"You didn't bring everyone back. And we're still not being recorded either."
"Wellll…" Lenalee says teasingly now; "I don't think you can hurt me."
"Nope," she laughed innocently. "And I don't want to."
"Hmm?"
Road strokes along Lenalee's hair and jawline with the side of her hand, then scoots closer on the purple couch. "But what would you say if I told you that I think— if I were to die in this body— maybe I'd like to have yours?"
"Wh-what?"
Innuendo again…
"So the Exorcist isn't freaking out at that prospect?" she laughs again, mischievous but still without malice.
"I w-wasn't sure what you meant! Oh my god, are you dying? You're gonna try to take me over, like the Fourteenth with Allen—?"
"I'm not going to die," Road answers quietly. Contemplative. She looks Lenalee up and down, not hiding her evident interest, and sighs. "I called you 'pretty' before, but you're beautiful, Lenalee. Calling you a 'doll' doesn't do you justice, really."
Lenalee has no idea what to make of these things the Noah girl— the enemy— is saying. Is she being enigmatic or is Road Kamelot, herself, feeling conflicted?
"I have people I care deeply about and I'll do anything to protect them. You've looked into my mind, you should know that already. Whatever Allen's doing to stop the transformation, I'll find it out and do it myself, too."
"How about a wager, Miss Lenalee Lee?" The young Exorcist's eyebrows perk up at the beginnings of a proposition. Road wears a pained smile. "Exactly as you wish, let's see if Allen finds a way to stop the Fourteenth from erasing him. If he succeeds, then by all means, try it on me."
"You're out of luck then, you know. Allen never loses a bet."
"Yes, Tyki used to call him 'cheating boy' for a reason," she reminisces again before her voice turns cold for a moment— warning: "It's not Allen's bet though. It's yours."
"I won't lose either," Lenalee answers without hesitation.
"Don't, then." Road smiles and then kisses her suddenly. Longer this time. Passionately.
Lenalee has been feeling so lonely even amongst friends, so loss-stricken even amidst the hope that an enemy has brought, she finds her body responding unreservedly to a Noah's touch. It's warm and she tingles as hands smooth down her sides. A demanding throb is already beginning between her legs as hands coax her to lift up onto her knees, cupping her bottom beneath her skirt; kneading the backs of her thighs.
She's already panting, and gasps as the pads of two fingers trace along the folds between her legs, teasing her through her panties. Her legs tremble and her knees nearly buckle at the potent need forming there. For now, as warm hands undress her from below, and a hot mouth ravages her bared throat from above, she lives in the moment— drowns in sensation— instead of dwelling within memory, or helplessly forming foreboding premonitions of what the future might bring. For now, she relishes the tremors brought on by the progression of lips kissing their way down her body; the impatient anticipation of their arrival at their ultimate goal, and she surrenders herself completely, breathing heavily as she is pressed back down to a seated position; her legs spreading apart easily, in wanton encouragement.
Lenalee's body writhes unconsciously in her bed, her head turning one way, then another as intense pleasure builds between her legs, mounts to an impossibly high peak, and she suddenly wakes, pushing out long breaths followed by quick sucks of air.
Tears track downward from her eyes now— in sadness or longing perhaps, but certainly not shame or regret.
XOXOX
August 01 - 06:11
Everyone has come to believe now that either Road has stopped 'bothering' me, or perhaps that there's more I'll tell them about when I'm 'ready.' Clearly they still worry, and I appreciate it, but I don't think it's really necessary. Not while Road is getting better.
Kanda would understand. (Well, probably.) He's terrible with his own emotions, but when I see him again, he's going to be that pillar of strength I've always known. Speaking of strength, I have real confidence that Allen will definitely succeed. Link will come out of hiding to clear his name, and maybe they'll return together. Lavi I am still concerned about, but one thing I know for certain is that he's out there, alive. I know I'll see him again as well.
I can't help thinking this way now— that it's only a matter of time. I'll definitely welcome each of them Home again.