Silently
By: Aerys Krystie.
Theme: AU.
Plot: Given a body of their own, Dark and Krad are introduced to their own emotions. Dark embraces his, while Krad steps into himself, his own voice screaming silently within him.
Warnings: Major one – OOC-ness. Don't bitch to me! You've been warned.
Disclaimer: The characters of D.N.Angel do not belong to me. I make no profit from this.
Three and a half, no, longer, nearly four months they had had their own body. Something had gone wrong somewhere. Neither he nor Dark knew what had happened, neither wanted to know. They no longer had to depend on a host, like a parasite.
So much had happened during the last few months. It was like being born, with only memories to remind of how your life was before. Like a past life, only you knew who you were when it happened. You didn't need to be hypnotized or go into meditation. They were as clear as day, everything playing out like a movie.
They had moved in with their ex-hosts. Satoshi hadn't seemed pleased to see Krad in his own body. Krad couldn't blame him. He had treated the boy badly. He wouldn't be pleased to see himself.
They still had a connection with their host. Some kind of mental link. Krad hated it. Satoshi knew exactly what he was thinking and vise versa. They both wanted their privacy, and could only get when the other was sleeping. Krad couldn't remember the last time he slept. He had too much to think about.
What he had to think about, Krad didn't know. Not feeling the need to have complete control over Satoshi, Krad just left him alone, allowing him to live his own life. In the meantime, Krad was trying to get himself and his feelings under control.
The one feeling he hated and couldn't understand was hunger. He usually tried to ignore for as long as possible. Majority of the time, he wasn't really hungry, just his stomach was. Due to that, he had lost a lot of weight. Not that anyone cared.
Satoshi didn't care what Krad did, as long as he didn't drag him into it, or force him to pay a fortune for bail. During the time Krad had his own body, he was sure he and Satoshi hadn't shared more than five words in one time. That did hurt.
Krad knew he was not a very good angel, but he had tried to change. Tried to be liked, but all that did was blow up in his face. His host wanted nothing to do with him, and Krad could understand that.
Looking out of the window of which sill he was currently sitting on, Krad sat the sun beginning to rise. He lowered his eyes, hopping off the sill. May as well go for a walk. Dressing quickly in a white sweat and white jeans, Krad left the room Satoshi had graciously given him.
Pulling his shoes on at the front door, Krad left the house, locking the door. Head lowered, he had no idea where he was going. No destination in mind, just as long as he was away from the house when Satoshi woke.
A few moments later, he knew where he was headed. The same place he always went whenever he went for a walk: the park. He would do a couple of laps, sit down for a few minutes, then head back to the house and go back to his room.
He frowned when his stomach growled. What did it want from him? He fed it a day ago, now it was hungry again? It was worse than a baby. Well, too bad. It would just have to go hungry.
Entering the park, Krad raised his head, smiling softly as a gentle breeze washed over his body. Enjoying it for a moment, he lowered his head again and continued with his laps. Walking into someone, he mumbled an apology and went on his way.
He didn't stop, even when the person called his name. He knew who that voice belonged to. There was only one person on this planet more annoying than Risa, and that was Dark. He didn't want to deal with the dark angel. Not now.
Not when he looked like crap. His skin was paler than usual, but still blemish free. His eyes were deader than usual, but lined with dark circles from lack of sleep. The only things he had been taking care of were his nails and hair. He didn't care how girly that made him.
He tensed when a hand landed on his shoulder, and held on. He raised his head, glaring over his shoulder at Dark, who just grinned. Jerking his shoulder free, Krad turned.
'What?'
'Ooh, someone woke – Holy crap! What happened to you?' Dark opened his eyes, staring at Krad.
Krad turned on his heel, walking away. He could hear Dark behind him. 'Did you want something?'
Dark walked in front of Krad, stopping him again. 'What happened to you?'
'How many times are you going to ask me the same damn question, Mousy?!' Krad's eyes filled with hate.
Dark was looking good, Krad would admit. His skin was still nicely tanned. He had put on a little, only a little, bit of weight. His eyes still twinkled with mischief. Krad really envied him. And worse yet, he seemed genuinely concerned about him.
Sighing, Krad shook his head. 'What do you want from?'
Dark's brow furrowed. 'What…happened to you?'
Krad tensed. 'Is that all you're going to ask? It's none of your business!'
'Damn it, Krad! What are you doing to yourself?' Dark looked Krad up and down. His cheeks were sunken, his clothing hung loosely from his body. He didn't look right.
'It's none of your business. How many times do I need to say it?'
Dark felt ready to punch Krad, but settled for a slap. He wasn't sure how much damage a punch would do. Krad looked shocked at the assault, but swung into action, slapping Dark back.
Dark couldn't believe they were about to get into a catfight. Instead, he tripped Krad, and straddled his waist. Krad didn't look as though he had the strength to fight off a butterfly at the moment.
'What are you doing?! Get off me!' Though he knew it would be futile, Krad was not going to be pinned there without a fight.
Dark stared down at Krad. 'You're not going anywhere until you explain yourself.'
Krad stopped struggling, frowning up at Dark. 'Then neither are you. Last time I checked, what I did with my life did not concern you.'
'Are you kidding? Satoshi won't shut up to Daisuke about what you're doing. Apparently you rarely sleep and eat. You disappear for hours on end. You won't talk to him. You keep your mind blank. You've basically turned into a zombie.'
Krad closed his eyes. He had no idea that what he was doing was actually affecting Satoshi. 'I'm not talking to him? He's not making an effort to talk to me, either.'
Dark sighed. 'That's because you don't even look at him, Krad.'
How could he look at Satoshi? After everything he put that kid through. He had already apologized for doing it. What more did they expect from him? He had changed his ways. Wasn't that enough? Why must they always want more? No matter how much they try, they can't force a triangle through a circle.
Krad had nothing left to give. How many times was he to apologize? How many times was he to thank Satoshi for giving him somewhere to stay? How many times was he to be the way he was? He didn't want to be that way again. Why could no-one understand that? What more did they want?
'Say something, Krad,' Dark whispered, as he stared at Krad's blank eyes.
'I have nothing to say. Except, go to hell. The day Satoshi actually gives a damn about me is the day the apocalypse comes.' Krad did not need this.
Dark growled, slapping Krad again, who gasped. 'He does care about you, jackass! How could you think he wouldn't?'
Krad scoffed. 'I doubt someone like you would understand. Not everyone had a perfect relationship with their host, okay? I was cruel and sadistic, I know this. I have apologized for it. There is nothing left for us to talk about. And if you think there, you are badly misinformed.'
'Krad, it's not only Satoshi who is worried about, I am too. I don't like what you're doing to yourself. It's not healthy.' Dark's eyes softened with compassion.
'What a load of crap, Dark. That junk might work on Daisuke, but it won't on me. I'm not a gullible fool.' Krad turned his head to the side, staring at a tree. Anything was better than seeing that look in Dark's eye.
Dark realized then that Krad needed to work out his emotions. He had gone through the same thing. As soon as he was able to scream, shout, laugh and cry he would be fine. It was like having a bomb slowly tick away inside. The longer Krad kept it locked away, the sooner it would implode, eventually killing the golden beauty.
'Krad, you don't have to do everything alone.' Dark saw Krad frown slightly. Now that he had the other's attention, Dark knew Krad would listen to every word. 'I went through the same thing. You're a lot further along that I was, but if you don't do something about it soon, you could seriously hurt yourself.'
'You don't know when to quit, do you?'
'No. Not when it comes to someone I can help. It's even better, because I know I can help someone I care about.' Dark smiled warmly.
'Then you should be talking to Satoshi, and not me.' Krad continued to stare at the tree. The way the bark cracked was rather interesting.
Dark kept his temper under control. There had to be a way to get through to Krad. Not thinking twice about it, Dark turned Krad's head to face him. He lent down, pressing his lips to the blonde's gently. Beneath him, he could feel Krad tense, but he didn't care.
Krad's eyes widened. He turned his head away again. He could feel tears springing to his eyes. The last thing he needed was to cry in front of Dark.
Krad swallowed, trying to remove the lump from his throat. 'Get off me and leave me alone.'
Dark sighed, but did as Krad requested. He stood, pulling Krad to his feet. Well, that hadn't gone as he had hoped. But, at least Krad knew that if he did want to talk about what he was going through, he could turn to Dark.
'That offer wasn't a total load of crap, Krad. If you do want to talk, I will listen. I just hope you do it soon before you do seriously hurt Satoshi or yourself.' Dark let go of Krad's hand, walking away from the blonde.
Krad watched Dark leave. He could hurt Satoshi? Chewing his lower lip, Krad made his way back home. It seemed like he had a lot of thinking to do.
Four days had passed since that scene in the park, and Krad had kept himself locked up in his room. He left only once and that was because the hunger pains couldn't be slept off. He quickly made himself something and left the kitchen before Satoshi found him.
In those four days, he was given the chance to think things through. He had found out that Dark wasn't talking through his butt. Satoshi was worried about him. But Krad didn't want to approach him, not while he was like this.
Perhaps he would have to call Dark. He didn't want to do that, either. There was a lot that he didn't want to. He knew a lot of it had to be done. He couldn't allow Satoshi to continue worrying about him.
The one thing he refused to think about while Satoshi was awake was that kiss. It sent shivers down his spine at the memory of it. His lips tingled, wanting more. Of course, as soon as he realized what he was thinking, he had tried to stop it. Especially since it appeared out of nowhere, and while Satoshi was awake.
Hopping off the window sill and checking the alarm clock beside his bed, Krad chewed his lower lip. Was it appropriate to call Dark at eleven-thirty in the evening? Well, Krad needed to talk. It was now or never.
Leaving his bedroom, Krad made his way into the study, where he found Satoshi's phonebook. He found Dark's mobile number and dialed it. He couldn't shake the fluttering and sinking feeling as he waited for an answer.
'Hello?' was the chirpy answer.
Krad chewed his lower lip, staring at the polished top of the desk. 'Dark…?'
'You can come over.'
'Okay. I'll be around soon.' Krad hung up.
Going back to his room, he pulled a pair of pants on over his boxers. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered to get into his pajamas, he never went to sleep. Running the brush through his hair, he tied it up in a messy high ponytail and left his room again.
Pulling his shoes on, he left the house, locking the door. He contemplated getting a cab, but decided against it. He couldn't be bothered paying for the fare.
Instead, he jogged over to the Niwa house. He arrived fifteen minutes later, not surprised to see Dark waiting for him. He was suddenly having second thoughts about this. He stopped at the front gate, terrified of being alone with Dark.
Forcing his fear down, Krad opened the gate, closing once he was through and made his way up to the door. He closed his eyes as Dark cupped his cheek. He wanted to pull away, yet at the same time, he wanted it to further.
Dark opened the front door, stepping aside, allowing Krad to enter first, which the blonde did, and taking his shoes off. Dark closed the door, locking it, stepping past Krad, heading towards the stairs.
Krad followed close behind Dark, the flutter coming back with a vengeance. He chewed his lower lip, keeping an eye on the back of Dark's head. He took a deep breath when Dark stopped, opening a door. He had no choice.
Entering the room, Krad was shocked frozen. He could not believe the mess. He was seconds from fainting.
'Just ignore the mess,' Dark said casually.
Ignore it? It wasn't possible. Krad tiptoed around the piles of clothing, going to the window sill and sitting on it. He didn't realize it had become habit to go straight to the window. He stood again, turning his back to it.
Dark went to his bed, laying down on it. 'So, what did you want to talk about?'
Krad took a deep breath. Where did he start? The beginning was always good. But, where was the beginning? Where was the end? What did he want to talk about?
Dark sat up, looking over at Krad. 'Come over here.' Dark watched as Krad reluctantly made his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge. 'Start wherever you want to.'
Krad gasped as Dark pulled him down to the bed, holding him close. 'What are you doing?'
'This is what you want, isn't it?' Dark knew Krad was about to fight him on it. 'I know it is, Krad.'
How could he be so sure? He went through the same thing. Relaxing a fair bit, Krad turned onto his back, staring at Dark's ceiling. 'Do you know why I want it?'
Dark chuckled. 'It's what we all want.'
Krad blinked, turning his head to look at Dark. 'I don't think I want it. I think I need it. I also think it was why I've been so compelled to control my host.'
'You and I are the only ones to know what happened.' Dark smiled gently at the pale jewel beside him. 'Is that all?'
Krad shook his head. 'I have been avoiding Satoshi. After all I've done to him – Even though he claims to have forgiven me, I know that deep down there will be a part of him that will never forgive me.' With a sigh, Krad sat up, surprised that Dark allowed him to. 'I can't forgive myself for what I tried to do to him. How could I expect him to?'
Dark sat up behind Krad, resting his chin on a bony shoulder. 'It's not farfetched to believe.'
'But it is a ridiculous antic. I don't know why I'm so bent on wanting to be forgiven.' He gave a short, sarcastic laugh. 'I guess we all hope for that deep down, too.'
'You'd be amazed at what we want deep down.'
'During the first week of having my own body, the only thing I wanted was to wake up the next morning. Then, all of sudden, all this came crashing down on me. I knew what I had to do, but, like with this, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew it had to be done, but…I don't know. Something in me was screaming "don't do it"." Krad stood, hearing Dark do the same. 'I think rejection terrifies me.'
Dark watched Krad. 'It scares everyone.'
'Does it scare you?' Krad faced Dark.
'For some things, yes.'
Krad laughed, really laughed. 'You're the great Phantom Thief. Nothing would reject you.'
'You would,' Dark said with a shrug.
Krad lowered his eyes. 'No, I wouldn't. I never could.' Krad blushed softly. Well, he was pouring his hopes and fears out; he may as well be truthful in everything else too.
Dark smirked. 'You really couldn't deny me?'
Krad shook his head. 'Every time you wanted me to come out, I did. I'm like everyone else. I want some things. You were one of them.'
'Past tense?'
Krad shrugged. 'You fell in love with that woman. I couldn't compete with someone like that. I was male to begin with.'
'That–'
'I know. That never stopped us before. That was before. Once true love took its course, there was nothing left for me. Nothing, except my host. I was so hurt that you had just left me. Left me for a human. Of course, that host decided to let me be raped, so it was the perfect cover. No-one had to know why I was truly such a bastard.' Krad's eyes darkened. 'That is also why I did try to kill you several times. Yet, each time, I could never bring myself to do it.'
Dark frowned in perplexity. He never knew that. He hadn't wanted to reopen old wounds, but sometimes that couldn't be helped.
'When she finally passed away, I couldn't have been happier. Yet, I was still bitter about it. It was only until recently that I decided to let it go and move on. I knew I could never be with you again. All my anger and sorrow just came through when I got this body. I-I didn't know what to do. I knew I couldn't turn to Satoshi. I certainly couldn't turn to Daisuke, because his mother would try to kill me on the spot. That left you. How could I explain myself?'
'You're doing a great job now.'
'All I have ever wanted, Dark, was to wake up in your arms. Of course, two months ago, I realized how selfish that really was and decided it would be better if I just lock it away. Let those feelings just disappear. They almost had, until four days ago.' Krad went back to the bed, sitting down on it.
'It was the kiss, wasn't it?'
Shaking his head, Krad stared at Dark. 'It was seeing you concerned for me. It was then that I realized I would never be able to stop loving you.'
'Krad–'
'You asked what happened to me. I'll tell you what happened to me, I was given a body with emotions. I was bombarded with all these feelings and I didn't know how to deal with them, so I shut myself away. I couldn't bring myself to embrace them, not the way you had. I don't know, I guess that's the way I always dealt with everything before, just keep them inside, don't let anyone see what's wrong with me.'
'Krad–'
'I know I should have done something about it sooner. But how could I tell someone that I was in love with my enemy? The person I had been trying to kill for the last century or so? Do you have any idea how hard it was just saying then?'
'Krad–'
'Not that it matters anymore. You've made it clear that you find the opposite gender more appealing. I don't blame you. But, unlike you, I haven't been able to let go. I don't know how you do it. Every–'
'Damn it! Krad, I still love you, too.'
Krad laughed, his face brightening. 'I was wondering how long it would take you to finally cut me off and say it.'
Dark narrowed his eyes. 'Why didn't you just let me say it then?'
Krad smiled at Dark. 'I had to see if you really meant it.'
'You're a jerk.'
'I learnt from the best.' Krad stretched his arms above his head. He felt a lot better. He still hadn't solved all his problems, but at least now he would be able to talk to Satoshi and find out what's bothering him. 'I think I had best head home, now.'
Dark went to his bed, lying down and bringing Krad down with him. 'Stay the night,' he said, turning Krad over to face him.
Krad lowered his eyes, closing them as warm lips attached to his own. How could he say no after that? He looked at Dark, grinning. 'Okay.' As he settled himself against Dark's body, Krad could hear the majority of his problems screaming silently in him. He never felt better.