Authors note:
Before you read this please note that it is filled with depressing and even suicidal themes. If your looking for something happy you won't find it here. I just had this idea for a story and I couldn't get it out of my head. This is going to be the only depressing LIS fanfic I plan on writing, I have a couple I'm working on and I plan on releasing the first chapter soon but until then...
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
October 7th
Chloe's dead.
I know it sounds crazy and I'm not even starting yet. I guess it all started in Mr. Jefferson's class. I had a really bad dream... or something, I cant really remember its all kinda fuzzy. Any way I felt sick so I hurried off to the bathroom but I felt fine when I got there so I just splashed some water on my face to wake me up. For some reason I went into the corner and... I blacked out. Next thing I know I hear shouting and someone was pulling on my arm, my face was wet as if I had been crying. I walked out with the security officer who immediately started questioning me as if I had committed a serious crime, I couldn't answer any of his questions and he just kept getting madder and madder at me. If the police hadn't shown up when they did I think he might've hit me or something.
I was devastated when they told me who Nathan had shot, I felt awful. Every single day that I spent in Seattle and she died thinking that I hated her. How could she not? I never texted or called her. I never even sent her a letter for gods sake! I'm such a terrible person, maybe she wouldn't have died if- *sigh* no Max you cant do that to yourself, you still have a lot of interrogating to get through, and you'll have to come up with a decent explanation as to why you don't know what happened in the bathroom.
October 9th
This week was already terrible so why did it have to get worse? I always knew I had to face Joyce but even so, I could never have been prepared for her wrath.
Mom and Dad had convinced me to go and see her so I shamefully found myself at her doorstep, it took me almost 20 minutes to muster up the courage to ring the doorbell. And another 5 before she even answered the door. At first she was glad to see me, but then she completely lost it, asking why I didn't stay in contact and said that maybe if I had, she might still be alive. She broke down and apologized, I have to admit, I did too apologized and cried I mean. We cried a lot and she told me a lot about what Chloe had been up to she told me about her tattoo and her dyed hair, both looked hella cool. (Hella? Wher'd that come from? Weird.) Anyway, she made sure I was going to her funeral and I assured her I'd be there.
October 10th
Nathan Prescott confessed to everything, not even just Chloe's murder. I cant believe that sick bastard shared classes with me! Not only did he kill Chloe he killed a girl called Rachel Amber as well, and drugged and kidnapped girls and took photos of them in several compromising poses. It sickens me to think that he did that. Did he do that to Rachel? To Kate? Or maybe even Chloe? It hurts to think about it so I'm just gonna leave it there.
On a different note my parents arrived today, they claim to be here to support myself and Joyce through Chloe's funeral but I knew better. Not even an hour after they got here mom tried to convince me to go back to Seattle with them UGH! The nerve! How could I go back to that place? I mean it wasn't horrible but at least I have friends here.
October 13th
I probably should have written this as soon as I got back but I wasn't ready to face what I had done. Even now it hurts so badly to even think about her but shes all I can think about.
To add to my pain, the funeral was today open casket, I lost it when I saw her face, it looked so peaceful, so serene. The waterworks came and just wouldn't stop, I couldn't help it, how could I? After all I put her there, I chose to send Chloe to her death, we had agreed that I had to save the Bay but still... I'm sorry I'm going to go cry some more now.
October 20th
Warren stopped by again today, he tried to get me to go see a movie with him, I know he's into me but I mean cmon, my best friend and the girl I loved just died. He looked let down that I declined his invitation but I suggested that he ask Brooke instead which he seemed to perk up at. Anyways, I had the dream last night it starts in the dark room, always the dark room, with Jefferson standing over my body as I watch helpless as he has his way with me. Then it switches back to the traumatizing vision I had just before the storm. Voices echo all around me telling me I'm a failure, a whore, a traitor. Chloe's voice echos louder then the rest, sometimes blaming me for killing her, telling me to never forget her, asking why I killed her, why I abandoned her. Most morning I either wake up crying or screaming in sadness and pain. Kate started to check on me in the mornings at first I asked her to go away but she kept persisting until I let her in, now every morning she comes to my room and we just cry together and comfort each other.
I'm so glad she didn't commit suicide in this timeline, I don't know what I'd do without her, she's like my sad little angel or something.
October 31st
More bad news, I suppose that's all I have to contribute lately anyway. Victoria disappeared on her trip with Mr. Jefferson. I haven't heard much about the investigation though, all I know is that he's the prime suspect. I hate to say it but I don't know if I even care, I mean she was always a bitch but I never hated her. But its been hard to feel much of anything since...
November 1st
Turns out Jefferson kidnapped Victoria and did his creepy photo shoot with her in San Francisco, she wasn't dead but he had left her for dead in some abandoned studio. I cant believe he would be so sloppy after he had been so careful. I don't care, as long as that fucker is rotting in a cell I don't care how he got there. But because of these events, the dreams of my time in the dark room are becoming more and more prominent. I'm afraid to sleep even more now than before. I miss you Chloe, please let this all be a sick nightmare, please let me wake up in your arms again. Come back... please... just come back.
November 12th
I don't know how much longer I can go on, I just cant find any joy or happiness in... anything really. Every night I can remember I have the same dream every night its the same as before always the same. Kate's getting concerned that I'm not getting better but I cant tell her, I cant tell anyone of my guilt.
At least she's doing better, now its just me who cries in the morning.
November 16th
My parents called, apparently Principal Wells called them and told them that my grades were slipping dangerously and if they don't pick up soon I'd loose my scholarship. He had already talked to me about it but I didn't do anything to try and fix it. Anyway, they want me to come home, back to Seattle, I refused and told them that this was my home and hung up before I could get into in argument with them. I don't love Arcadia Bay or Blackwell that much but I just cant leave Chloe...
November 22nd
Its thanksgiving. Joyce invited me over for lunch, she's finally forgiven me for abandoning Chloe. It was awkward and, even though the food was slightly burnt it still tasted really good. It was kinda awkward especially since David was there, I still cant forgive him for slapping Chloe in the other timeline, but I overlooked it for Joyce's sake, ...also so I didn't seem crazy.
I suppose this is where I write what I'm thankful for... but its so hard to think of anything positive. *Sigh. I guess I'll write something down if I can think of it.
November 30
I can't do it anymore. The lying, telling everyone I'm fine when I cry myself to sleep every night, I need to tell someone, I need someone to tell me I did the right thing. I NEED you CHLOE.
...I just tried to rewind back to the selfie I took in Jefferson class and of course it didn't work. I knew my powers were gone the moment I entered this timeline, I couldn't feel its presence like before. After that I had a meltdown and tore apart most of my room in my anguish, Is it stupid that I love her this much after being back in action with her for less than a week? Maybe. But all I know is in that week she became my world, my center. And I killed her. I'm sorry Chloe, I tried but I just can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I breathed in the cold salty air and pulled Chloe's jacket tight against my body. I sniffed the neck of the jacket, the familiar smell of cigarettes, weed and Chloe filled my nostrils bringing a smile to my face. It had been the first time I had smiled since the last time I'd seen her.
I looked across the bay that I had called my home, I may have moved to Seattle but this was my true home. Earlier that day I had written and re-written a letter to Joyce telling her a story that she would find impossible to believe but I did it anyway, I just had to tell someone.
I closed my eyes leaned against the railing at the edge of the cliff that had visited my nightmares for the last two months, and cried tears that wouldn't come.
Joyce,
I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm so sorry, I killed Chloe. Well, I didn't pull the trigger but I might as well have, after all I put her in that bathroom.
*sigh* Well here goes... I had the power to rewind/rewrite time itself, I know it sounds ridiculous but please believe me it true. The week Chloe died didn't happen, at first that is, I saved Chloe in that bathroom that day and we spent the entire week having fun and adventures with my powers. We investigated the disappearance of Rachel Amber, Chloe's last girlfriend. It was too good to be true though, my time traveling summoned a storm the likes of which I've never seen before. It completely destroyed the town likely killing everyone in its path.
I had to make a choice, either go back in time and let Chloe die- preventing the use of my powers, or deal with my choice and let the town be destroyed.
I wish with all my heart that I could've chosen to stay with Chloe, I loved her so much it hurts. I wish you could have seen how much she changed, it was Chloe who insisted I let her die she was so selfless and I didn't want to let her go.
I still cant let her go...
I'm sorry Joyce, thank you for everything you have done for me. I just wish I could have been strong enough to live with my decision.
I had left the letter along with my Journal on Joyce's kitchen table, she had started going back to work and David was working as well so I didn't have to worry about them finding me before I did what I came here to do. I also wrote letters to my parents and Kate, the only other people who seemed to give a damn about me. Kate's was an apology and a thank you for being there for me when I needed her, I reassured her that her father and sisters were there for her and that she shouldn't beat herself up over this, nothing she could've done would have stopped me. To my parents went a simple thank you and a request to be buried in Arcadia bay, and wearing the jacket that currently rested on my shoulders.
I stepped towards the end of the cliff knowing that a single step forwards would bring an end to my suffering. I closed my eyes and let the wind push me forwards.
I didn't feel scared as I fell, instead I felt peace. I didn't know if there was an afterlife but what was life without Chloe? I remember smiling as I sped towards the water.
'I'm coming Che. I'm finally coming for you.'