Learning to Fly with Broken Wings
By Ash Night
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A/N: Cho Chang's monologue. She remembers and reflects upon Cedric's death along with some advice others have given her.
Disclaimer: All belongs to J.K. except for the plot and thoughts, which are owned by yours truly. With a tiny bit of an inspiration from the extremely depressing movie called "Gladiator." And a bit of knowledge about the traditional steps of mourning from a guy on TV. And motivation and inspiration from Savage Garden's Gunning Down Romance. If you have the song, I suggest you listen to it while reading this fic to emphasize it. :)
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They say the dead are never truly gone. They say that they would never leave us as long as we remember them.
I remember. I remember your laughs, smiles, and jokes. I remember our first kiss. I remember how you would whisper in my ear that you loved me. I remember how adoringly you stared at me when we talked. I remember how your hand would tremble ever so slightly when we walked down the halls together as a couple. I remember everything, every moment, every breath, as though I'm almost reliving my life again.
But it's not helping me. Remembering you makes me want to be with you even more. The more I think about how happy we were, the more alone and afraid I feel at the moment. Whenever I think about your smile, I ache for my own happiness and for the happiness that we will never have together again.
They say that I should stop mourning and seek closure before moving on. They also say that you wouldn't want me to shed anymore tears. They say that I should be brave and live through this one day at a time.
How can I?
How can I stop the flow of tears from my eyes unless I wipe the bittersweet memories from my mind and think about something else? How can I be brave when I am so afraid, afraid of the cruel world I live in, afraid of the pain and suffering in it, and afraid of what fate has in stored for me? How can I live through today without knowing that tomorrow would be the same?
They say that this is God's plan.
What about our plans, our old plans? Weren't they good enough for God? Was living a happy life with you too much to ask for? Was it more than we deserve?
Cedric, you were my future. You were my flame, my fire, the awakening of my soul, the cleansing of my spirit, my life. Cedric, you were my life. My world revolved around you. I depended on your presence for my happiness. I survived off your inner radiance of the confidence you shared with me.
Sometimes, I would be taken over by a guilty pleasure. What if Harry was the one that died instead of you? What if he was the one buried cold in the black soil instead of you? Would I still be wallowing in the grief as I am now? Or would I be comforted by your soothing words?
Other times, I would blame him for your death. I would blame him for taking away our future, and destroying my existence. I would blame him for the nightmares that haunt my sleep. I would blame him for the shattering of my world.
After a moment of the release of my emotions towards him, I would be struck by sudden pangs of shame. I would feel shamed for thinking such thoughts, especially when I know that your death wasn't his fault. I would feel mortified, but grateful that you were far from me because you wouldn't have to see the shame on my face and in my eyes.
It was so easy to blame him. He was the only survivor, the only witness, and the only one who knew what happened. I'm also ashamed to admit, that it felt so good to have someone to blame all your troubles on. It was guilty bliss when I had someone to blame for the Hell I'm living through. It felt good to be ignorant of the facts and not have to think about anything anymore.
They say that everything has a reason.
Is there a reason for your death? Is there a reason for my sadness? If there is, I wish I knew what it was.
I don't understand why this had to happen to you. I don't understand why I'm made to live through this. I don't understand why everything happens the way they do. I used to believe in fate -- to have my own destiny controlled by something else. I still do, but I believe in it more strongly than ever.
They say I should hold onto my beliefs even more tightly than before.
One thing I know for sure, is that no matter what, I will always hold onto one belief that…
Cedric, I loved you… and still do… but sometimes I wished I never loved you at all. Then I wouldn't hurt so much when you left. Then I wouldn't be in this wretched world of misery and sadness. I hate what I've turned into. I hate moping around like a pathetic mourner. It's a tragedy. I'm stuck in a hole and I can't climb up -- and there's no one to help me from the top. It's an endless road with no sight of the end.
It hurts so much because I love you so much. But, I hate you for leaving me, for making me love you so much, and for hurting me. I can't forgive you for taking away what you took from me.
"Closure."
Maybe, that's the thrill of loving and being in love. The thrill of how vulnerable you are to the other. The knowledge that your heart can be broken and your world shattered so quickly. The acceptance that the other can leave with only a trace and a few memories.
Maybe, I am going to learn to survive through this after all. This happened so I can be stronger and more careful the next time I love someone as much as I did. Maybe, you were meant to go at the time you went. You already moved on. Now, it's time for me to as well. No matter what happens in the future, I will always remember you. Then, perhaps, I'll see you again one day, when you'll be waiting for me -- but not today.
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A/N: As you have noticed, Cho Chang is unwilling to accept the advice in the beginning, but as the story moves on, you'll see her mature and change her view on life and death. This probably includes most of the steps in mourning and letting go, except for denial, which is in the beginning when she first receives news about his death. (Steps given by a psychologist on TV on the Stock Market Drop) Amazingly, and luckily, I have never had to deal with the death of someone close, so if I'm rather off on the mourning portrayal, I beg your forgiveness and would like a bit of a note in a review.