Grasp

There is one thing I know with complete and total certainty: People don't truly appreciate what they have until it's gone. I am the perfect example of this hypothesis. The problem is, I didn't realize it until the day I died.

"Judith, you do not know what I would give to have you back the way that you used to be."

"But there are some things in life, mother, that you can't take back, some things in life that you can't change, because that's just the way life is," I spit, fighting back tears.

"Whether that's true or not, I can still, and always will, be your mother," she answered.

"Get out!" I screamed at her.

"Judith, I..."

"Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out!"

I threw my pillow at the door as it shut behind her, but she was gone as it she had never been there. That was how my mother always was though; in and out of my life. She, like time, always faded.

Lately, I feel the need to internalize my life; never really seeing the need or point in sharing it with others. It wasn't always this way, but the darker half has taken over me, made me me, and filled my personality as my pain spilled out.

I can't talk to anybody. Only God knows my inner core, my soul, and I can't even talk to Him. I wasn't always so difficult, I wasn't always so withdrawn. But then, everything fell apart.

Joan's voice snapped me out of my self imposed reverie. "Judith, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you believe in God?"

Silence fell over the cabin we shared as I raised my head from my notebook to meet her gaze. "What?" I asked, after several seconds of silence.

"Do you believe in God?" she repeated.

I rolled my eyes. "Used to, I guess. But it all seems like a gigantic lie."

"Judith," she whispered, "I've seen Him. Talked to Him."

I flopped onto my back on the bed and rolled over to face the wall. "And they said I was nuts?"

"And friendship is dead," she muttered.

"Sorry," I mumbled, turning back around to face her. "I guess I just...I'm sorry."

"It's okay. But, Judith, it's like He's really there. And sometimes, not even a He. Sometimes, He's a She, sometimes He's a little kid, sometimes He even picks up my garbage, for crying out loud!"

I remained silent.

"My whole family thinks I'm crazy. I mean...I'm kind of starting to think I'm crazy."

"Well I am crazy, so we're a pair."

"It's scary, Judith. I don't know how to stop seeing Him."

I sighed. "You want to know my take, Joan? You don't have to stop seeing Him. You just have to stop talking about it. That's what they all want."

"Judith, what's with you lately?" Lisa put a hand against my locker to hold it shut. "You're never around anymore. I calle dyou last night, and you didn't call me back."

I pulled my locker door open against her hand and grabbed my geometry book from inside before slamming it shut again. "I'm around."

"And I am too," she answered. "Sometimes, we even used to hang around together."

As we moved down the hallway towards class, I heard another group of students in the hallway behind us, and I started walking faster. "I guess," I shrugged.

"I miss you, Judith. You're, like, my best friend."

"Lis', I'm sorry, I just...I have a lot on my mind lately, that's all."

That's was when he touched my arm, grazing me in the middle of the school, invading my space, uttering a simple, "Hey, Judith."

I remember darkness. I remember my the bang of my book hitting the tile floor. After that, nothing.

"What do you mean?" Joan asked. Her fingers caught up in her hair, and she twisted it around into thick strands while I answered.

"It's like this, Joan." Noticing a tear in the wallpaper, I sat up in bed and began peeling it off in little strips. "If you make them think that you don't see Him anymore, whether you really see Him or not, they'll think that you're cured. Major ego trip for the docs, and you get to go home. Bonuses for all."

"But..."

"Put it this way. If you don't see Him, if you pretend like none of it ever happened, then you're not crazy anymore."

I woke up in the nurse's office. Lisa was there, the nurse was there, and he was there. I had eyes only for him though, only for Ryan. "Get away from me," I hissed, my voice hardly more than a rasp.

I struggled to push myself up off of the cot, but the nurse touched my should to keep me down. "Honey, you need to stay down. The ambulance is..."

She was touching me, someone was touching me, and I just wanted her off. I slapped at her hand, shrieking, "Get away from me, don't touch me, don't touch me!"

"Judith?" Lisa took a step towards the bed.

I shrank back, managing to pull myself to an upright position.

"Judith," the nurse said, "you need to stay calm for me, okay?"

There was a huge weight on my chest, forcing all of the breath out of me. I scooted off the cot and found myself in the corner. My eyes were wide open, but I couldn't really see anything but the fog. Everyone around me seemed so foreign, everything seemed fake. "Get away, stay away," I whispered.

"Judith, are you okay?" Lisa knelt down in front of me, and started to push my hair out of my face.

"Get away, get away, get away from me!" I screamed, yanking away from her.

Two male paramedics entered the room as the nurse made Lisa and Ryan leave. One put a blood pressure cuff on me, and the other was holding my hand and pricking my finger with a little needle. "No, please," I moaned, "stop..."

My head was filled with a sudden roaring. They were all talking to me, but I couldn't make out any sounds. Everything around me was spinning, and every single touch made my body feel like it was going into shock. The world consisted solely of me, and Ryan, and the night he raped me.

To Be Continued