Stache Hand Presents:
Gurren Lagann: The Gurren Pilot Who Shagged Me Continuation
Disclaimer #1:
The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody and is in no way affiliated with Gainax Co., Ltd., Aniplex Inc., Konami nor New Line Cinema.
The Gurren Lagann intellectual property and it's corresponding material are copyrighted by their respective owners.
Please support the official release.
Disclaimer #2:
The following parody contains glaring contradictions to the official Gurren Lagann character portrayals. Apologies in advance for the vexation.
Kamina, International Gurren Pilot of the Mysterious Heavens, thought he was enjoying a peaceful retirement with his new wife, Yoko, only for it to be revealed that she was a fembot assassin created by his archnemesis, the insidious Spiral Villain, Doctorgenome.
Meanwhile, Doctorgenome had returned from his banishment in outer space to run his evil empire once more. Joined by his new small, feminine clone, which he named "She-Me", he used a time machine to travel from 2021 all the way back to 1991 for his next devilish scheme.
Now Kamina must come out of retirement to find Doctorgenome and combat his old enemy's latest threat against the world and all of humanity.
Somewhere in Kamina City, there's a building inhabited by some of the best agents across the globe. This building belongs to the Dai-Gurren Defense Agency. Kamina himself has arrived here to answer a call from the head of the agency. We now join the two of them in the head office.
"OK Leeron, why did you have to bring me up me before briefing me about this new assignment?" asked Kamina, the blue-haired man.
"Well firstly, I didn't want to distract you from your driving." explained Leeron, the effeminate, green-haired man. "Secondly, and more importantly, it has come to our attention that, unfortunately, Doctorgenome's banishment didn't last."
"Oh great, the dude's really come back to haunt me." Kamina groaned.
"One of the security team's managers was watching this great talk show, when something shocking happened." Leeron continued. "They even recorded the whole thing. Take a look." He held up a remote and pointed at a nearby high definition television set, pressing the Play button. A recorded video of a talk show began to play, with an applauding audience and a well-dressed host.
"Thank you. Thank you very much for coming." Said the host on the television. The room showed a bunch of evil looking people with younger people sitting right next to them. "If you've just joined us today, the current topic is evil fathers and their aspirations for world domination and/or destruction." The audience booed at the end of that sentence. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Viral."
"Viral?" said Kamina. "Wasn't he the guy with shark teeth?"
The audience applauded, and from a nearby door appeared a blonde-haired man in a red suit. He walked up to an empty chair next to the evil-doers and sat down.
"We're happy to have you here, Viral." the host greeted, pleasantly. "Now, tell us about your father."
"Well, as you can imagine, my dad is a tall, scary looking man who runs an entire evil organization dedicated to causing panic and destruction all across the globe, and then conquering it." Viral described. "Preferably with giant financial demands and super-weapons." The audience booed after he finished.
"My god, that's no laughing matter." the host remarked, taken aback by Viral's description.
"He's not active right now, though." Viral added. "He's sealed away in a giant machine called a Gunman, and he's just drifting through space as we speak." The audience began to applaud.
"Are you sure, Viral?" asked the host, cutting the applause short. "Because we've got quite the surprise for you. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Viral's father, Doctorgenome."
"WHAT!?" Viral shrieked as the audience booed.
The camera on the T.V. panned back over to the door that Viral came in through, and revealed a tall, imposing, angry-looking, muscle-bound man with a pointy beard. Underneath his face was a sign that read "Doctorgenome, would-be destroyer and dictator of the world" in bold letters. He held up the pinky finger on his right hand.
"There's the bastard!" Kamina growled, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. "I'll kill him."
"Boo to you too, nerds." Doctorgenome called out to the booing audience. Suddenly, a turnip is thrown at his head by a member of the crowd. "Ouch! Guys! Why do people throw vegetables while booing? Honestly. I understand if you don't like vegetables, but this..." He picked up the turnip and pulled his arm back. "This is wasteful!" He threw the turnip back into the audience with all of his might and then took a seat next to Viral. The booing stopped.
"Why me?" Viral murmured in despair.
"Hey, Viral." Doctorgenome said to his son. "Your old man is back in town. Heaven could not hold me, as you can tell."
"So, does God hate me?" said Viral, in distress. "What did I do to have him send you back down here? Why did he let you do this to me ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!?"
"Now now, throw me a frickin' bone, boy." Doctorgenome urged.
"I'm going to be a laughingstock." Viral muttered. He was feeling very emotional, but he took some time to collect himself. With a more calm tone, he asked some important questions to his father. "Dad, why did you abandon me when I needed you most? Why could I never win your respect?"
"Because you're not very evil." Doctorgenome answered. "Plain and simple." The audience made a collective disapproving sound at the man's response. "I'm not kidding, he's so not evil that he's ineffectual and affable." He put his mouth up to Viral's right ear. "Let me put it this way. You're an eighth evil. Pseudo-evil. The Great Value of evil. The Budweiser Select 55 of evil. Low calories and alchohol mean hardly any evil at all."
"I can't believe what a freak you are!" shouted a man in a militaristic cap, in regards to Viral.
"Well, at least i'm likely more stable than you, jagoff!" Viral shouted back to the man.
"Oh, your ass is grass, little man!" the man growled.
"Bring it, bitch!" Viral cried out. He and the man in the cap walked up to each other with their fists up front. "I've got fangs, so you better mind your fingers!" Viral gritted his shark teeth.
"Shark fangs, huh? I've slain sharks, so I ain't afraid of you, sonny!" the man snarled, grabbing Viral. The host pulled them apart and Viral was forced back into his seat by Doctorgenome. The audience started making noises of anticipation.
"Break it up, folks!" said the host emphatically. "Break it up!"
"Calm down, Viral." said Doctorgenome, getting up from his own chair. "Daddy will handle this. Nobody talks to my son that way... except me. It's OK, it's all under control YOU MOTHERFU(3ER!" A fight broke out with a bunch of inaudible yelling from Doctorgenome and cheers from the audience. Viral got in on the action while the host watched on, staying out of it.
After some time, Doctorgenome seemed to calm down.
"Alright, i'm cool now. Just needed to let off some steam, but i've cooled off now." Doctorgenome lied. "So I can say you were BORN IN YOUR MOTHER'S CU^7!" The fighting resumed with even more inaudible shouting. Among the chaos, Viral screamed "i'll kill you both!" and Doctorgenome threw a big camera on one of the combatants and then yelled "I got your cap! I got your cap, and i'm fu(3!^& it!" while snatching the capped man's headwear and putting it up against his crotch.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, settle down everyone, please!" The host called out. "It's OK, sir. These guys are not worth it. It's only a television show."
"You're right. OK, OK, i'm cool now. For real." Doctorgenome said with more sincerity.
Some security guards approached the host as Doctorgenome started breathing in and out, regaining his composure. "Get this jerk out of my studio." The host said to one of the guards.
"Wow, i'm impressed at how you thought I wouldn't hear that, you CANCEROUS PIECE OF SHIT!" Doctorgenome said, his temper rising back up again. "DON'T YOU MOCK ME, CU^7!" He snarled with a powerful blow to the host's face. The fight, once again, continued. Blood was spilling, Doctorgenome could be heard yelling "This asshole is biting me! God, this asshole is biting me!" and then he was throwing the crowd all over the place. The crowd was yelling in excitement.
The security guards and the host were beaten to the point of losing consciousness. Doctorgenome grabbed a spinning globe off a table and approached the camera with a look of extreme anger. "THE WORLD IS MINE! THE WORLD IS MINE YOU FU(3!^& ASSHOLES! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU CU^7$ WILL BOW TO ME!" He yelled. He preceded to throw the globe on somebody who was on the floor. He flipped everyone off yelling "FU(3ER$!" as the recording came to an end, leaving nothing but a blue screen.
Kamina had taken in everything he saw. He turned back to Leeron and confirmed his understanding. "So, I turns out old Doctorgenome has returned to our planet, but I don't think I needed to see the rest of that."
"I thought it was funny." Leeron said, chuckling. "So now, Doctorgenome is out there, undoubtedly up to his old tricks. Now Kamina, for your assignment, you are scheduled for a photo shoot at your Pad. We've got some fine models waiting for their pictures, and one of them just to happens to be affiliated with Doctorgenome's organization."
"Huh, fine model, associated with Doctorgenome, kind of like the one you never told me about in any important detail." Kamina snarked.
"Look, what's done is done and you're still here." Leeron sternly talked back, before abruptly switching back to a more upbeat tone. "Duty calls, my friend. Oh, and one more thing, Simon's back from space."
"Oh, Simon." Kamina said, feeling nervous. "Great." He got up from his chair, turned around and saw his old friend, now a bit taller than he was four years ago. "Oh crap!" he yelped, jumping. "Simon, don't sneak up on me like that, man!"
"Bro, long time no see." Simon greeted. He wore a blue jacket with a dark blue shirt underneath and a pair of red and orange goggles on top of his head full of blue hair. "I came back as soon as I saw Doctorgenome's escape from his Gunman prison."
"You were up in space?" Kamina asked.
"Yeah, for satellite engineering." Simon replied. "I thought you were retired."
"Well, my honeymoon didn't go so well, and if Doctorgenome ain't stopping, neither am I, I guess." said Kamina, shrugging.
"Oh yeah, another thing. Where's Yoko?" Simon asked, making Kamina flinch.
"She's... under the weather at the moment." Kamina invented on the spot, sweating a little. "She'll need lots of time to get well, OK let's go!" He hastily marched for the office door. "Onward to do-gooding!"
"Kamina, you're acting weird." Simon commented, following his friend. "I don't like the look of this." Simon had a strong feeling something was very wrong. From the look on Kamina's face, he knew that Yoko couldn't simply be sick.
As Kamina and Simon left, a man with a cap walked up to Leeron and put his mouth up to his left ear.
"Do you think we should get out the Memory Wiper and make Kamina forget that robot whore ever existed?" the man asked.
"No, let him cope." Leeron replied, moving his head back and forth.
We come to Kamina's Pad, somewhere in the most illuminated street in Kamina City.
Kamina and Simon walk into a room with a white floor, ceiling and walls to find two beautiful models standing up on a heightened platform.
"Alright, the cameras are ready and the stage is set." said Kamina, taking off his jacket to reveal his shirt underneath. "Let's make some magic, girls."
"Oh my god!" squeed a black-haired woman in a white fur coat and a black leotard showing off her cleavage. She excitedly walked up to Kamina. "It's you. You're the illustrious Kamina, our city's hero!"
"The one and only, friendo." Kamina said, scratching his head full of blue hair. "And that is Simon." He added, pointing behind him with his left thumb.
"I'm just along for the ride." said Simon, placing his hands behind his back. "I saw you in a magazine once."
"Wow, you two fought against the wicked bearded guy together!" said the black-haired woman. "My name is Candle Jenner, I don't believe i've had the pleasure."
"Well, this is our first meeting, so give it time." Kamina chuckled. He turned over to the other side of the platform and saw another woman, this one having an identical fur coat and leotard combo, but with pink hair and a tall, stylish hat.
"OK, Ms. Jenner I recognize, but not this one." said Simon, squinting his eyebrows. "Uh, I meant nothing by that, miss." he added nervously, seeing the hard look in the pink-haired woman's eyes.
"I am Nagatsu. Nagatsu Humpalot." the pink-haired woman formally introduced herself.
"Come again?" Kamina asked, confused.
"Nagatsu Humpalot." Ms. Humpalot repeated.
"And i've got to buy a bathtub made out of diamonds with an attached vending machine, but that's neither here nor there." he joked, bursting into light laughter afterwards, which quickly died as Ms. Humpalot gave him a disapproving expression. He then made a blank stare. "Wait, why does this feel so familiar?"
"Because it is." Simon pointed out. "You know, I wonder what happened to Kinon Fagina?"
"I heard she goes by Crystal Fagina now." Kamina stated. "But no time for callbacks, let us begin."
The photo shoot went ahead smoothly, with Kamina snapping countless photos of Ms. Jenner and Ms. Humpalot posing seductively in a fair share of them, and in others making animal-like moments, like tigers throwing out their claws, moles digging through the earth, opossums hanging from a tree and rabbits hopping about. Throughout the whole experience, Kamina was starting to feel a bit better.
"Funny thing is that I wasn't even shooting in your general direction for some of these." Kamina remarked. "Weird."
"So your name is pronounced like Timon?" asked Ms. Jenner, sitting next to Simon.
"Yes, but one wouldn't know from just looking at how it's spelled." Simon replied.
"Alright buddy, you keep Ms. Jenner company." said Kamina, waving his hand. "Me and Ms. Humpalot are going to talk in private." He and Ms. Humpalot exchanged some inquisitve looks as they held their hands out to one another.
Meanwhile, in 1991, Doctorgenome and She-Me arrived in a past version of the volcano lair, full of hard-working minions, through their Space-Time Traveler. As their spiraling trip came to an end, a younger Number Guame was standing right next to them.
"Ah, it's smells like a fresh coat of paint in here." Doctorgenome commented in fascination.
"Doctorgenome sir, welcome to 1991." greeted Number Guame, the half-crocodile, half-armadillo creature.
"Pleased to be here, Number Guame." Doctorgenome said back, shaking the creature's hand. "Looking youthful and energetic, my good man."
"You're too kind, sir." Number Guame chuckled gleefully.
"Reporting for duty, Doctorgenome." called a younger Adiane Adibissina.
"And Adiane, you look as fine as ever." Doctorgenome noted, turning to what looked exactly like the overdressed, blue-haired, big-breasted Adiane he knew from the present day.
"Everything looks so clean, and everyone is so enthusiastic." said She-Me, the young girl next to Doctorgenome who has curly light blue and pale blonde hair, wears a pink, red and white ribbon with a matching pink, is covered in gold, red and green jewelry and bears a pair of eyes with blue irises and pink, flower-shaped crosses for pupils.
"And who are you, young miss?" asked Number Guame, giving a stare of great, somewhat creepy interest.
"My name is She-Me." She-Me formally introduced herself. "I can't believe how beautiful the past is so far." She and Number Guame shook hands.
"I'm going to like getting close to you." said Number Guame, snickering. "Now Doctorgenome, I received your notes from the future, and I managed to acquire the best docking bay, with the best high-speed rocket." He pressed a button to reveal a giant rocket ship and bring up a silver centre table from the ground with matching silver chairs.
"So far, so good." Doctorgenome uttered with a smile. "Soon, the world will be in the palm of my hand."
"So, who is Kamina, Doctorgenome?" She-Me inquired.
"Well, my dear, for wherever there's evil-doers like us, there's obnoxious do-gooders like him." Doctorgenome explained. "He is the rabbit to my weasel, or the weasel to my rabbit, whichever way you want to look at it. As an organization bent on malicious intent, we must do everything in our power to avert his benevolent deeds and remove him as a threat."
"That sounds bad either way." She-Me mused. "Bad for us, that is. I don't want a good guy ruining our dark misdeeds, so I want him to suffer. He should beg for death at the bad guys' feet." She looked up at Doctorgenome with an air of determination, clutching her hands and holding them close to her chest.
"If all goes according to plan, he will." Doctorgenome assured his feminine clone, rubbing her hair affectionately. At that moment, he broke into evil laughter that gradually elevated into insane cackling. The rest of the crew started laughing as well. The minions in the background chortled, Number Guame let out a crazy guffaw, Adiane released a witch-like giggle and She-Me set free a cheerful, high-pitched, excited roar of laughter.
Meanwhile, back in 2021, Kamina has gone to his room, with Nagatsu Humpalot accompanying him, now wearing a black jacket over her leotard. Kamina claps his hands, which starts a fire in a nearby fireplace.
"A Clapper?" said Ms. Humpalot.
"Yes. I bought it back in 1984, somewhere in a northern town." said Kamina.
"Where I come from, there's a trick to how we keep warm." Ms. Humpalot commented.
"And what would that be?" Kamina asked, raising his right eyebrow.
"Playing a game of chess." Ms. Humpalot answered in a whisper.
"Oh, I thought it was something else." said Kamina sheepishly. He sat in front of a table with a chess board covered in chess pieces. Ms. Humpalot did the same.
"Don't tell me you don't know how to play, Mr. Kamina." teased Ms. Humpalot. "It takes an acute, strategic mind to play this game."
"Oh don't worry, I know the moves." Kamina muttered. He grabbed a knight piece and made the first move, surprising Ms. Humpalot. "Jackpot!"
Ms. Humpalot contemplated her move. She placed her fingers around the king piece and seductively rubbed it. Kamina looked at her and started to feel a little sweaty, breathing in and out a bit harder. As Ms. Humpalot placed her fingers on her head, wondering what to do, her breasts pressed together. Kamina gazed at her cleavage, when suddenly, his mind began playing tricks on him. In place of Ms. Humpalot's bosom pushing leotard appeared a black bikini top with flames painted on it. Kamina rubbed his fingers on two bishop pieces. Ms. Humpalot licked the king piece and rubbed it against her lips. Kamina was still seeing her, only with hair that glowed a bright red and eyes that radiated a luscious yellow.
"Let me ask you something, miss, and tell me honestly." Kamina began. "Do I make you feel horny?" Then he raised the volume of his voice and asked "Do I excite you?!"
"No more games!" Ms. Humpalot moaned, feeling like something terrible had overcome her. She got up from her chair and faced down at Kamina. "I can't keep this up! Doctorgenome hired me to kill you, but goddamn it, you are so... sexy!"
"I get that a lot." Kamina modestly muttered.
"I'm pent up! Do me!" Ms. Humpalot excitedly howled, inviting Kamina over to his large bed with a sultry pose. "Hurry, Kamina! I need my relief!
"Okay, patience." said Kamina, getting up from his own chair. He approached Ms. Humpalot slowly, until his chest was in her face. As he got closer, all he could see was a ravishing red-haired and yellow-eyed woman wearing a bikini top and booty shorts. He then ripped open his shirt to reveal his prominent muscle tone.
"Oh, so many ripples!" Ms. Humpalot shrilled. "Like a mountain! Get down here and rock my world, rock man!" She threw her arms around Kamina, who lowered himself with bugged eyes as the love making session began.
Meanwhile, back in the volcano lair of 1991, Doctorgenome, She-Me and the whole evil crew was sitting at the silver centre table.
"So, how do you suggest we acquire Kamina's libido force?" Number Guame asked. "We've tried in the past with no luck. The security around his cryo chamber is as adept as Frank. By the way, meet Frank, who has consistently won the "Guard of the Month" reward for the past four years." He pointed to a large, imposing, turtle-like guard standing next to him.
"It's good to work for an unrivaled evil genius, Doctorgenome sir." said Frank, saluting his boss.
"Make the best of this job, Frank." said Doctorgenome. "Now back on subject, I wouldn't worry about the multitudes of Franks around Kamina. This time, I have a double agent working within the Dai-Gurren Defense Agency."
"Double agent? Really?" Adiane asked, fascinated.
"You bet your ass." Doctorgenome whispered forcefully, turning his rotating silver chair over to Adiane's direction. He turned his chair back over to the centre of the centre table.
"Now's the part where I tell you about..." Doctorgenome started, then paused. "Thymilph the Lard Piece of Shit."
"Thymilph the Lard Piece of Shit?" Adiane inquired, raising her left eyebrow.
"Yes, he's fat and smelly." Doctorgenome stated quickly, turning his silver chair around to face Adiane again.
"That name'll be hard to trademark on a toy." She-Me commented.
"He's a disgruntled viking guard, feared throughout his homeland for his earthquake-causing temper, and eternally reviled for his disturbing eating disorder." Doctorgenome explained. "He's as heavy and as tall as a barge. He's got more gas in him than a truck, and it's infinite. You don't even want to know how much he can fit in his mouth."
Meanwhile, in Kamina's cryo chamber, a bunch of men, including a large, obese, gorilla-like man with pointy ears, big sideburns and a small beard, are gathered together in viking uniforms and surrounding the ice block where the Kamina of the past is sealed up.
"Listen up, men!" called a moustached colonel. "The job that you've been hired for is vitally important. It's been reported that the agency has been infiltrated by a double agent. This chamber's contents will be required for our planet's safety one day, so don't even think of slacking off." He turned to the gorilla man. "Keep a constant vigil and your guard up."
"Yessir!" said the gorilla man, saluting.
"And, uh... please, for the love of all that's sacred, try to lose some weight." whispered the colonel with a grimace. "You make dents in everything you stand on."
"Yessir." said the gorilla man in a more subtlely sarcastic manner, saluting again. The colonel left the room with a look of disgust.
As the general left the chamber, the gorilla man mockingly mouthed the last words that were said to him. The door closed and the colonel could no longer be seen. The gorilla man looked around at the other men in the chamber and then spat forward.
"Who duz that propah stickin damud think he iz? Thinkin' ah need muh fu(3!^& exercise? He thinks ahm a hothead? Sunneh jim, you don't know meh! Ah ate a babay! Oh aye, babay, the new pork. Babay: that is what we are cooking!" the gorilla man growled.
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked the man on the left, looking revolted.
"Yousir haven't met meh, the great Thymilph." answered the gorilla man. He pressed a button on a small device he was carrying. The device was shaped like two butts joined together. They made a flatulent noise and released a bunch of gas into the surrounding air. Thymilph is unaffected, but the other men are knocked out cold, dropping to the floor like ragdolls. "Let dis beh a lurnen experience. FU(3wits."
Thymilph approached the front of Kamina's ice block with a long drill in his hands. He activated the drill and let it effortlessly tear a hole into the ice block. It went deeper and deeper inside until it made contact with Kamina's crotch. Thymilph let out a great guffaw as he pushed a button on the drill. This triggered a mechanism which seemed to extract a peculiar substance from Kamina's body. The substance looked like something from a lava lamp, all gooey and illuminated. On top of the drill was a line of lights that lit up the more the drill extracted. The final light turned on and Thymilph pulled the drill out of the ice block, looking proud of himself.
"At least yur libido force will beh warm now, sunneh jim." Thymilph laughed, looking at the substance which happens to be the physical manifestation of Kamina's libido force. "Ooh, the buckets ah will buy."
Meanwhile, back in 2021, Kamina and Ms. Humpalot are making love, but then it all comes to a stop. Kamina has made a horrific discovery.
"No, no, no, stop!" Kamina yelled. "It's happened!"
"What's wrong?!" Ms. Humpalot asked, frightened.
"My libido force is gone!" Kamina cried, distraught from what he has realized. "I'm sorry, miss, but I have to go." He got out of bed and started to get dressed.
"Wait, before you leave. Take this." said Ms. Humpalot. She reached for a pocket inside her jacket and took out a piece of paper, handing it out to Kamina. "It'll give you an idea of Doctorgenome's plans."
"Oh, thanks." said Kamina, taking the piece of paper. "I wish I could've rocked your world better." He eyed Ms. Humpalot's face with an expression of deep, sincere regret.
"Do what you need to do." Ms. Humpalot uttered, motioning her hand for Kamina to leave. "Call me."
Kamina, after putting on all of his clothes, ran out of the room desperately. He couldn't believe that after all the women he has charmed, after all that he had been through, his libido force had forsaken him. With that piece of paper from Ms. Humpalot in his hands, his first plan was to get his body checked out for the cause of this sudden failure.