Heyyyy so I decided to put my theory in story form. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, only the theory.
…GMW…
It made sense.
What he said made sense.
I thought he was right.
But maybe he's not.
He said I was protecting her. I do protect her.
It made sense.
Until it didn't.
I told Josh I didn't like Lucas like that. I told Josh I like him. It's him I like. So why do I still become giddy around Lucas? Why do I still have an urge to knock him down and see his smile when I do?
Why did my stomach drop when he walked away to get Riley?
I thought I only liked him because I was being Riley, and Riley likes Lucas. At least, that's what I told myself. That's what Josh told me. Plus, I know Josh likes me. Lucas never actually told me how he feels about me.
For all I know, he could be completely into the Riley type. You know, the girl that always follows the rules. Who doesn't dance on desks, who has hope. Maybe he's attracted to the good girl. Maybe he wants to be someone's prince and not their partner in crime. Someone to build him up, not playfully tear him down.
I think these thoughts for the second time. I had thought them once before, though I don't remember exactly when. It was early on. My heart had skipped a beat for the first time when I pulled his face close to mine, trying to be tough. But I didn't pursue anything. Riley liked him. I couldn't do that to her. So I pushed them together. I orchestrated their relationship when neither of them would make a move. Maybe seeing Riley happy would make me feel better.
I remember when the yearbooks came out. Riley didn't like what everyone was saying about her, what everyone thought of her, so she changed. And Farkle did too. They changed who they were because of what others liked and didn't like. I became Riley to try and get Riley back. Maybe if she realized how much everyone needed her she'll come back. It kind of worked. Everyone showed how much they wanted her. But...
"No stay Riley!"
"We like Riley, we don't care who plays her."
That hurt. They prefer Riley over me. I always knew it, I just didn't really care. Until now. Something changed.
Maybe I should stay Riley...
"Maya's gone... And you're never gonna see her again."
Everyone likes Riley better anyway. I tried to not be bothered by it, but it kept eating at me. Even after I had given up being Riley.
My classmates like her better. They didn't say anything about wanting a Maya. They wanted a Riley.
Farkle likes her better. As much as he says he loves both of us equally, Riley was always his first choice. Farkle could predict everything she would do even if it was out of character for her (though it rarely was). He didn't know me that well. Riley had told me about their late night, deep conversations. How they had a genuine connection. How Riley was so glad he was one of her best friends. I had never had a deep conversation with just Farkle. Sure, in group settings. But we had never had that connection Riley talks about.
Even his classic phrase "Riley or Maya" put Riley first. It was never Maya and Riley. It was always Riley and Maya.
All the boys like her. Farkle. Lucas. Charlie. Evan. They all liked Riley. Meanwhile I was just the best friend. No guys ever liked me. Besides Josh. But he won't be with me because of the age difference. Stupid age difference. If only he was younger. But he's not. Which brings me back to no guy liking me enough to put aside all our problems to be with me.
(I know I shouldn't be defined by a guy. I know I shouldn't be defined by anyone. And don't get me wrong, I know I'm loved by a lot of people. But it gets tiring when...)
Not even my own father liked me enough to stick it out with my mother. My mom always told me it was her fault for him leaving. But then I found out that wasn't true. And the only explanation could be me. He didn't like me. He didn't want me.
I bet he would've liked Riley. I bet he would've wanted Riley.
Lucas likes Riley. That's the root of my problem. Lucas. Likes. Riley. Not Maya. Not me. He likes Riley.
But...
I like Lucas.
Maya likes Lucas.
Even though I told everyone I don't, for the second time.
I digress.
Lucas likes Riley. He likes the Riley type. He likes the girl that always follows the rules. He likes the girl who stays in her seat and doesn't dance on the desk. Who has hope. He wants to be someone's Prince. He wants to be built up so he can accomplish great things.
He doesn't want the rule breaker, the partner in crime, the girl without hope.
It seemed like nobody wanted that girl.
"We like Riley, we don't care who plays her."
Everyone wanted Riley.
At the time, I didn't know I was doing it, but now, looking back, it makes sense.
I started changing small choices. Oh, everyone likes Riley's hair like that. Maybe I should do my hair like that. Everyone loves Riley's dress. Maybe I should wear clothes like that. Everyone loves it when she follows the rules. When she's the good guy. Maybe I should be a good guy. She gets good grades. Maybe I should get good grades.
And slowly, without knowing, I became more and more like Riley.
"Maya's gone... You're never gonna see her again."
Little had I known how true that statement was.
Being Riley was really tiring. But I had been doing it for so long I didn't realize that was my problem. I didn't notice a difference. I was growing up. That was it. At least that's what I blamed it on. And the things I changed were good. I was getting better grades. I wasn't getting detention. They were good. But it wasn't my way of doing it.
One day, Riley pointed it out. I didn't believe her at first. She needed more proof then us wearing the same outfit and having the same hair. We were best friends after all, sometimes we rub off on one another.
But then, she told me she was going to take Lucas and not let me have a chance with him.
I deflated. Every choice I had made for the past who knows how long came crumbling down. I didn't know what was happening. I suddenly didn't have a desire to fight back. That was strange. Fighting back was what defined me. But now that's changed. I had made choices so people would like me.
So Lucas would like me.
And I changed. But it hadn't worked. Riley wanted him. Who was I to take him from her? I didn't protest. If she likes him she should have him.
Not me.
It's never me.
The purple cat was the thing that caught my attention. I never painted purple cats. That was Riley's thing.
That was Riley's thing. Oh my gosh.
She was right.
I was her. I wasn't Maya anymore. I was Riley.
And all that changed was my friends being worried about me, Riley going on a 'search for Maya', and Lucas...
Lucas.
He didn't seem to like it at all.
I always thought he only actually liked Riley. I thought he was confusing a friendship love for a romantic love. But then he was worried for me. He wanted me back. He tried to help find me.
Sure he said he had a dilemma and didn't know which girl to choose. But I never believed him. No one likes Maya that way. That's why I had to be like Riley.
So people would like me.
So Lucas would like me.
That was it.
I changed who I was because of what I thought people-Lucas-liked and didn't like.
"If you let someone say who you are then you really won't be who you are. And you certainly won't end up being who you were meant to be."
I wasn't protecting Riley. If anything I was hurting her.
I thought I was confident in myself. I thought I loved who I was. Maybe I still do. Now that I know what happened, maybe I can fix it. I can become me again.
Even though I still like Lucas.
Which is what started this whole mess. I'm not gonna do anything about it. I don't want to hurt any more people.
One thing that did change through all of this.
I have hope.
(I always thought Farkle was better for Riley anyway.)
…GMW…
How'd you like it? Do you agree? Let me know!