Disclaimer: I do not own the original canon nor am I making any profit from writing this piece. All works are accredited to their original authors, performers, and producers while this piece is mine. No copyright infringement is intended. I acknowledge that all views and opinions expressed herein are merely my interpretations of the characters and situations found within the original canon and may not reflect the views and opinions of the original author(s), producer(s), and/or other people.
Warnings: This story may contain material that is not suitable for all audiences and may offend some readers. Please utilize understanding of personal sensitivities before and while reading.
Author's Note(s): So I'm doing another romance-centric challenge. I'm a bit behind, but it's supposed to be 28 days of short ficlets focused on romantic pairings with a nontraditional bent. Since I thought the format would be easier, I decided to try out the 5&1 style. Turns out trying to be brief when one is prone to long is more difficult than one would imagine. Who knew, right?
Summary (What Didn't Matter): Five times that Harry had come close to being loved and the one time he found that he was.
Challenge Information:
Day/Fic: 01
Representation(s): Asexual Character; Polyamory (Triad); Lunar Heroes
Word Count: 1498 (Story Only); 1529 (Story & Epigraph)
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What Didn't Matter
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"We're born alone; we live alone; we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." – Orson Welles
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Harry Potter had once thought Cecilia Cogswright had the best laugh. She always sounded so happy whenever she laughed and to Harry that seemed like the most important thing that could ever be. The Dursleys never seemed that happy, even when they were getting their way on things. Their laughs always had an edge of scornful hate to them.
But Cece? Her laugh was beautiful.
Harry could listen to it all day.
Then he had heard her telling her friends about how disfiguring she found his ugly scar. Harry didn't mind that part—he knew how ugly the scar was; Aunt Petunia told him all the time—but then Cecilia had laughed. It was the same laugh she always gave, just as full and happy as always. This time, though, it was directed at him, at something he could never hope to fix.
Harry didn't like that laugh anymore.
His former enjoyment of it didn't matter.
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Harry had liked Ron Weasley's freckles from the very first moment he had seen them. They were like the speckles on eggs and Harry just wanted to spend hours counting them. Ron himself was just as amazing. Despite immediately seeing his scar, Ron had still liked him. He had even offered to share his sandwich!
But Ron was mean to Hermione when she came asking if they had seen a toad—yeah, Hermione was bossy and acted like she knew everything about him because he was in some books, but if Ron could be mean to someone he had just met, who hadn't done anything wrong, what was to stop him from being mean to Harry who couldn't do anything right ever? Harry would still try really hard not to make Ron mad, and enjoy the friendship for as long as it lasted.
When Ron made Neville stutter and laughed at Draco's name, Harry decided that he had made the right choice by trying to stay on Ron's good side.
That was really all that mattered.
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Neville was like a secret friend. He would sit with Harry often during their third year as they watched their friends go seemingly crazy. It seemed like everyone was making faces at each other or sneaking off together. For a short period, it had seemed like Seamus and Dean were the only other Gryffindors who weren't interested in touching the girls' boobs, but then they had been discovered in one of the empty classrooms snogging each other, which put paid to the idea that for once in his life Harry was not the strange one.
He thought that he had good company in his oddness this time because Neville didn't seem interested in girls or boys, but after the disastrous Yule Ball in their fourth year, he had discovered Ginny and Neville in an abandoned classroom of their own. He had stumbled from the room the moment Ginny had looked up and said his name, unable to stand even a moment more.
Harry missed sitting on the good sofa with Neville, but the armchair was closer to the fire anyway.
It didn't matter.
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Harry had loved watching Cho fly most of all. Sure, the girl was rather pretty with hair that looked like it would be really silky, but it was the way that she flew that had initially drawn Harry's attention. She was hands down the best flyer at Hogwarts, the twins aside. She wasn't particularly nice as a person, but Harry still liked to watch her fly.
Watching her duel was not bad either. It wasn't like watching Luna's economical power or Ginny's passionate force. Cho did have a great deal of grace as she moved through the spells. He liked watching the strength she displayed, especially against the better duelists of their little illegal club. Though any duel between Cho and Ginny seemed to dissolve into an all-out war fairly quickly. After Luna was only saved from a severe hexing by Neville protecting them both with the strongest shield that Harry had ever seen, Harry had made certain Hermione knew not to partner the two girls.
He thought about that moment a lot, probably more than he should.
Neville hadn't hesitated to grab Luna to pull her against him. Luna hadn't hesitated to move with his silent directive. Neville didn't even mouth the incantation as he made the motion perfectly despite struggling so much with all the spells. Luna had laughed, so pure and beautiful that Harry felt his heart skip a beat, especially when Neville had smiled down at her just as pleased.
Bitter loneliness poked at him, reminding him that his life would never be that simple.
He told himself that it wasn't likely that he would survive Voldemort, so he should be happy that others were happy. Harry was never meant to have a family and if he wanted the same thing his parents had, he should have started harassing someone years ago. He didn't, so his chance was already gone.
It didn't matter anyway.
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Harry didn't really understand the beast clawing in his chest whenever he saw Ginny with Dean. He tried to remember when the feeling had started but it was slippery, escaping before he could pin it down completely. He couldn't quite figure out when Ginny had even started dating Dean, because Harry was fairly certain that he had been with Seamus at the end of fifth year—although, to be fair, anything after Sirius' death was hazy with grief. They could have broken up in that time and Harry just not have noticed.
It just seemed really sudden.
Although, if Dean had broken up with Seamus to date Ginny, that would explain why Seamus seemed to have his own chest monster. Only Seamus seemed to have periods where he looked like Harry had felt after finding Ginny snogging Neville, that hollowed out and achy feeling. Thinking of that moment back in fourth year made his own chest monster frantic.
He didn't like it. It didn't feel right.
The monster got both better and worse after Ginny kissed him. Kissing Ginny made the monster sleep, which was good. Well, it was good until Ginny started wanting to do more. Some of those things were nice—Harry actually rather liked the touching and holding—but some things just…he didn't like them. They weren't things he enjoyed, and he really didn't like how he felt after doing them.
But Ginny enjoyed them and keeping Ginny happy kept the weird chest monster that he didn't understand contented enough to not claw at him.
As long as Ginny was happy, nothing else mattered.
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Neville didn't mind that Harry didn't want to stay at the Burrow or even Grimmauld Place. He didn't mind when Luna had simply taken Harry with her to the seaside cottage she had bought near Shell Cottage and shared more often than not with Neville. He hadn't even minded when he had walked in to find Harry sleeping with his head pillowed on Luna's stomach as she reclined on their couch.
Harry appreciated that, because he felt all over the place since returning from the dead and Luna had a definite way of settling him when his magic went crazy. She never pushed past any boundary he set or expected more than he could give. Although, that was hardly surprising when Harry knew that she was with Neville. Even he knew what it meant that they slept behind a closed door whenever Neville stayed the night. Ginny was insistent on finding their own closed door to 'sleep' behind, but even the suggestion was enough to make Harry panicky and sick. After the third time a visit from Ginny had ended with Luna needing to intercede, Luna had changed her wards to keep the youngest Weasley out. Neville had calmly explained that to the fuming redhead while Harry took the coward's path and hid.
For months, Harry expected to be sent away. He kept a careful watch for signs that he was wearing on Luna's patience or Neville's tolerance. He didn't want to risk upsetting them or straining their relationship, because if anyone deserved love, it was them. At the same time, Harry couldn't bring himself to distance himself from their easy affection and care.
It was Luna who finally broke the unspoken tension by simply broaching the subject with all her usual forthrightness. She had broken down her reasons for keeping him close, what she suspected about Ginny, what she had figured out about everything else. Then with the tact of a hammer, she had informed him that she and Neville would welcome him for cuddles in their bed if he felt comfortable doing so but only if he felt comfortable. Neither of them wanted to make him feel obligated to do anything that felt uncomfortable and he would have a safe place with them for as long as they lived.
For the first time, Harry felt like he wasn't alone in the crowd.
For the first time, Harry mattered.
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The End
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