I loved him. I really did. I loved his hair, his smile, his eyes, his personality. The way he'd move a chair out of the way for me, using only one of his strong arms. The way he'd smile and help me with my revision for the exams.

There was a point where I was questioning myself - was it just a crush, or did I actually love him? I didn't think it was either. It was definitely not a crush, but I couldn't be in LOVE with him, could I? I was 16!

In the common rooms I'd see him dancing, his hair flying every which way. It would make me smile, he'd see me, and would smile back. When we'd chat for hours, about anything, was when I felt that maybe, just maybe I had a chance. Maybe he could say yes!

Id see him staring back at me, he give me his prized possessions to look after. But then I'd see him around his friends. The popular girls, all laughing and giggling, and I'd see what a failure I was. Why would he want me?

My friend pressured me to tell him. I didn't want to, in case he said no. It was in the common room - I'd dressed up nicely. Not nicely enough so he'd think I'd tried really hard, but enough for me to not look like a slob.

I walked up to him.

"Hey Remus!" He'd cry out. He'd beam at me and I'd smile back. I saw my friends face in the corner of the room.

"Go for it!", they mouthed.

"Hey, Sirius," I asked.

"Yeah?"

"Would you like to go to Hogsmeade together, at the weekend? Or next weekend!" I added hurriedly.

"Errr," he mumbled, startled. "I'm quite busy this month..."

"Oh yeah, sorry," oh god oh god oh god

"Sorry, but no..." He had gone paper pale.

"Sorry!" I almost squeaked, and I was faster than a Billiwig getting out of there.

What had I done?

.

The next time I saw him he pretended that it had never happened. We ended up having to work together in Transfiguration and I was, not REFUSING, exactly, but not talking to him.

He was acting normal. Trying to brush away the awkwardness. But when the lesson ended, he was the first one out of the door.

I felt to stupid. So insignificant. And this made me feel worse than the torture of not knowing.