Disclaimer: Plot is Steph's, HP is Ms. Rowling's
Reflections of Insomnia
1--Sirius' POV
The dark begins to sink in and I get scared. Like I do every night. "Where are you now?" I shout at the dark. Hoping, wishing, praying that he'll hear. That he'll magically be at my side. That I'll feel his hands softly moving up my spine...his lips on my lips. But I won't. He won't. "Where are you, Remus? When I fucking need you the most!? You bloody wanker! I love you! Come back to me!" But he won't. He can't. I'm dead to him. Bloody well figures. But I'm aching for him... his soft brown eyes. "I love you, Remus..." I need his lips on mine! This is driving me mad! "Why did you leave me, Moony!? I loved you! I accepted you for who and what you are!" My voice is breaking.
I'm crying... and digging my long nails into my wrists. It won't work. It's too late. Suicide's not an option. Dammit. "Remus! Where the fuck are you!?" How could he abandon me...leave me all alone! "You were all I had left!" Him. That was all. I should have fucking known. "I'm not Dark! I swear it wasn't me, Moony!" My voice is breaking again. I hate him for putting me through this. "It was bloody Peter!" I'm still crying. Guilt trips, guilt trips? Do they ever make a difference? I can almost hear him saying it.
"Fuck it, Remus! I need you! I need you inside me! I need your hand in mine! Bloody hell!" Frustration builds up...my fingers stop digging but it's not me. I'm not the one making them stop. No, maybe it is me. I have to stay. To kill Peter. And to find Harry. Harry, my godson. Yes, find him, raise him. For James. So, I have to live. But life without Remus? "Oh God!" I want him. "I need you here!" He won't come. He's deaf to my pleas. But I have to hold on. For Harry. And revenge. And maybe Remus. He'll know I'm innocent one day. "One day, you'll bloody well know I'm right!" Shouting at the darkness? Tsk, tsk, he would say, Your mad Sirius Black, he would undoubtedly tell me. "Yes, I am mad. Mad about you!"
We were so perfect together. Padfoot and "Moony!" Fit like a hand in a glove. I need him back. Just a little bit of him. "Please?" I ask the void, knowing the answer. He's forgotten about me. But I love him. I need him. I want his breath to play across my face. I want his lips to search every part of my body! I need him! "I NEED YOU!" I want him to playfully bite my ears! I want to hear him scream my name like I want to scream his! "MOONY! REMUS!" I want his arms around me! I want his lips on my neck! I want him to touch me in places only he has seen and felt on my body! In my body...in my soul!
"Moony! I love you!" I'm holding my breath, waiting. No reply. I can't stand it much longer. I need him. I need to hear his voice! "Oh, God! Moony! Remus!" He won't answer. "Oh God!"I know it's no use but I yell and scream for him every night until I can't anymore. "Remus!" I fucking want him so bad! "I need you! Help me, please! Just answer once! Fuck it, Moony! I love you! Be here! Love me, you goddamned werewolf! I love the fucking wolf in you! Hell, the fucking wolf that is you!" I'm crying again. Because it's true. It's all true. Has been since I met him. Fuck, I want him. "Where the hell are you?" God, I miss his hands. Powerful and gentle. Moving up and down my spine, sending shivers of pleasure.
"Oh, God!" I need him. I've said it so many times but it's true. "Oh, Lord! Where's my wolf?" I'm running my fingers through my long, black, matted hair. "Fuck you, Remus! Fuck you! I love you!" I'm thrashing around on stone walls. It's no use. I love him and pain won't make it go away. But I hate him for abandoning me. Me? Of all people! I probably love him more than he's worth! "I NEED YOU!" Fuck. I wish he could hear me. Am I doomed to spend all of my nights like this? In the darkness, waiting for my wolf? My Moony? My Remus? My child of the moon? "Yes." Oh, fuck. Just kill me already. Dementor, give me the kiss!
"No!" I have to stay alive. For Harry, my godson. Stay alive for him. "Don't forget Harry." How could I? I sigh. I know what I am. "And that's nothing without you, Remus! You bloody werewolf!" Nothing without him. I need him. "Nothing." Without Remus. No, I'm Harry's godfather. With or without you, Moony. But Harry's no more than a child. "Seven or eight now." He doesn't even know me. Probably is afraid of me if he does. Like Remus. "For fuck's sake! I love you!" And I do. More than anything. He's my savoir.
"Remus, I miss you!" I sigh on the wind. Please carry it to him and bring back an answer. None. I've lost him. I've lost everything. Lily and James. Harry. Freedom. Remus..."Remus!" All because of bloody Peter. I'll kill that fat rat one day! Bloody coward. Damn! "I love you, Remus!" Still on Remus. My Moony. That hand that fits so well in me, the glove. He was always the hand, mind you. Well there were times when I was but most of the time he was in me. Oh, God! How could I object? All of him inside of me...thrusting and thrusting! But it was gentle until the full moon drew close. The animal in him was released. He would kiss me savagely, but passionately, full of lust and love. There was so much we did...I liked it both ways. "I love you Remus." After all.
I'm getting quiet now. My voce is hoarse. Thinking about Remus is painful. I'll stop soon. "My Moony. My Remus. My wolf. I love you." And I'm done for tonight. I'm done fighting sleep to see if he'll come. I should know by now he won't. He won't ever come. But I won't learn, either. I'll still hope. I'll still love him. I ignore my aching for him as I lay down to sleep. "Remus..." I whisper to the wind. It may have been me, but I could have sworn I heard the wind carry back, "Sirius..." And content with the knowledge that he answered once, I fall asleep.
Reflections of Insomnia
1--Sirius' POV
The dark begins to sink in and I get scared. Like I do every night. "Where are you now?" I shout at the dark. Hoping, wishing, praying that he'll hear. That he'll magically be at my side. That I'll feel his hands softly moving up my spine...his lips on my lips. But I won't. He won't. "Where are you, Remus? When I fucking need you the most!? You bloody wanker! I love you! Come back to me!" But he won't. He can't. I'm dead to him. Bloody well figures. But I'm aching for him... his soft brown eyes. "I love you, Remus..." I need his lips on mine! This is driving me mad! "Why did you leave me, Moony!? I loved you! I accepted you for who and what you are!" My voice is breaking.
I'm crying... and digging my long nails into my wrists. It won't work. It's too late. Suicide's not an option. Dammit. "Remus! Where the fuck are you!?" How could he abandon me...leave me all alone! "You were all I had left!" Him. That was all. I should have fucking known. "I'm not Dark! I swear it wasn't me, Moony!" My voice is breaking again. I hate him for putting me through this. "It was bloody Peter!" I'm still crying. Guilt trips, guilt trips? Do they ever make a difference? I can almost hear him saying it.
"Fuck it, Remus! I need you! I need you inside me! I need your hand in mine! Bloody hell!" Frustration builds up...my fingers stop digging but it's not me. I'm not the one making them stop. No, maybe it is me. I have to stay. To kill Peter. And to find Harry. Harry, my godson. Yes, find him, raise him. For James. So, I have to live. But life without Remus? "Oh God!" I want him. "I need you here!" He won't come. He's deaf to my pleas. But I have to hold on. For Harry. And revenge. And maybe Remus. He'll know I'm innocent one day. "One day, you'll bloody well know I'm right!" Shouting at the darkness? Tsk, tsk, he would say, Your mad Sirius Black, he would undoubtedly tell me. "Yes, I am mad. Mad about you!"
We were so perfect together. Padfoot and "Moony!" Fit like a hand in a glove. I need him back. Just a little bit of him. "Please?" I ask the void, knowing the answer. He's forgotten about me. But I love him. I need him. I want his breath to play across my face. I want his lips to search every part of my body! I need him! "I NEED YOU!" I want him to playfully bite my ears! I want to hear him scream my name like I want to scream his! "MOONY! REMUS!" I want his arms around me! I want his lips on my neck! I want him to touch me in places only he has seen and felt on my body! In my body...in my soul!
"Moony! I love you!" I'm holding my breath, waiting. No reply. I can't stand it much longer. I need him. I need to hear his voice! "Oh, God! Moony! Remus!" He won't answer. "Oh God!"I know it's no use but I yell and scream for him every night until I can't anymore. "Remus!" I fucking want him so bad! "I need you! Help me, please! Just answer once! Fuck it, Moony! I love you! Be here! Love me, you goddamned werewolf! I love the fucking wolf in you! Hell, the fucking wolf that is you!" I'm crying again. Because it's true. It's all true. Has been since I met him. Fuck, I want him. "Where the hell are you?" God, I miss his hands. Powerful and gentle. Moving up and down my spine, sending shivers of pleasure.
"Oh, God!" I need him. I've said it so many times but it's true. "Oh, Lord! Where's my wolf?" I'm running my fingers through my long, black, matted hair. "Fuck you, Remus! Fuck you! I love you!" I'm thrashing around on stone walls. It's no use. I love him and pain won't make it go away. But I hate him for abandoning me. Me? Of all people! I probably love him more than he's worth! "I NEED YOU!" Fuck. I wish he could hear me. Am I doomed to spend all of my nights like this? In the darkness, waiting for my wolf? My Moony? My Remus? My child of the moon? "Yes." Oh, fuck. Just kill me already. Dementor, give me the kiss!
"No!" I have to stay alive. For Harry, my godson. Stay alive for him. "Don't forget Harry." How could I? I sigh. I know what I am. "And that's nothing without you, Remus! You bloody werewolf!" Nothing without him. I need him. "Nothing." Without Remus. No, I'm Harry's godfather. With or without you, Moony. But Harry's no more than a child. "Seven or eight now." He doesn't even know me. Probably is afraid of me if he does. Like Remus. "For fuck's sake! I love you!" And I do. More than anything. He's my savoir.
"Remus, I miss you!" I sigh on the wind. Please carry it to him and bring back an answer. None. I've lost him. I've lost everything. Lily and James. Harry. Freedom. Remus..."Remus!" All because of bloody Peter. I'll kill that fat rat one day! Bloody coward. Damn! "I love you, Remus!" Still on Remus. My Moony. That hand that fits so well in me, the glove. He was always the hand, mind you. Well there were times when I was but most of the time he was in me. Oh, God! How could I object? All of him inside of me...thrusting and thrusting! But it was gentle until the full moon drew close. The animal in him was released. He would kiss me savagely, but passionately, full of lust and love. There was so much we did...I liked it both ways. "I love you Remus." After all.
I'm getting quiet now. My voce is hoarse. Thinking about Remus is painful. I'll stop soon. "My Moony. My Remus. My wolf. I love you." And I'm done for tonight. I'm done fighting sleep to see if he'll come. I should know by now he won't. He won't ever come. But I won't learn, either. I'll still hope. I'll still love him. I ignore my aching for him as I lay down to sleep. "Remus..." I whisper to the wind. It may have been me, but I could have sworn I heard the wind carry back, "Sirius..." And content with the knowledge that he answered once, I fall asleep.