Author Notes: Hey, what's up. Just to let you know that I wasn't thinking about fitting this story within the main story line of Bleach. That's why you'll see Aizen and co. still as captains in Gotei and hear some references to the Rescue Rukia Arc. This is a parody so I wasn't being very exact about the storyline. Thank you and please read on. – Zerolr -
Disclaimer: I do not own bleach not do I claim that I do. All the credit to characters settings and everything bleach belongs to Tite Kubo-- you rock man!!!!
Chocolate Oatmeal – Part I
Yo, this is the Vice Captain of the 6th Squad, Abarai Renji. Just call me Renji, everybody does. Man, I have to find somewhere else to stay when I come to the real world—but, that's beside the point. Now, it's my turn to tell you a tale. It takes place in Soul Society in those moments where there is really nothing going on, or so you think. Crazy stuff be happening, it just isn't that flashy or urgent nothing to do with Hollows, just happenings. The kind of happenings that can stir mad people up. Ah well, its better if I tell you, then describe it…
Rukia stood over a small pot stirring milk in low boil. Her captain Ukitake Juushiro of the 13th squad fell ill as he usually did. Just yesterday he burned with a fever of 110. His two assistants Kiyone and Sentaro race about him like maniacs. But today he was able to respond when spoken to, and even sit up. The intense fever left him weak, and with very little appetite. Kiyone asked Rukia if she was able to make something easy to go down the throat but sweet as the same time. That's when she whipped out a cookbook she brought in the human world. Flipping it open she picked out a meal that Yuzu prepared for breakfast one morning—oatmeal. Normally, it was a pot of soupy porridge-looking nightmare, but Yuzu jazzed the meal up so beautifully with fresh strawberries for Ichigo, cinnamon sticks for her father, thinly sliced apples for Karin and herself and bananas for Rukia. It was lightly sweetened with sugar and a drop of vanilla extract. It was delicious warm and perfect to start off any day. Rukia was sure that this was perfect to lift her captain's mood, and will defiantly be easy to swallow. She took a taste with her spoon.
"Yup," she whispered to herself, "The milk is warm enough," She took and placed a drop of vanilla extract and deposited a sack of dry oatmeal. After more stirring and more heating, the temperature was just right.
"Hmm… but it needs just one more thing," her mind rang with the idea. It was the sugar. It can't be too much but not too little. As the contents slipped into the pot, to Rukia's grave horror, she discovered it was coca powder instead of sugar. She stared into the pot noticing how it was quickly changing color.
"Oh well, she sighed. She poured in some more and found the sugar and put in a few spoonfuls. Her captain has a major sweet tooth anyway, so hopefully this unexpected twist may prove to be good in the end.
Kiyone and Sentaro, were dressed as Kabuki theater actors performing a small drama for their still recovering captain. In the end, Ukitake clapped earnestly.
"Ha! You heard that!" screeched Kiyone, "He clapped louder for me!"
"Liar! I was the better performer, what in the world are you talking about?!" Sentaro roared in rage.
"Fatty!" she cried.
"Dumb nut!" he countered, "And, I'm not fat!"
"Oh yeah?! It's easy to hide it under the layers of your kimono!"
"Grrr!!!!" They both growled bashing and grinding heads.
Rukia walked in with a nicely set tray that exposed the small bowl, a cup and a delicate small vase that displayed a single flower stem.
"Oh! Kuchiki, Thank you—," he gawked as the strange substance, "What is that?"
"This is oatmeal, Captain," Replied Rukia with a sweet smile, "I know it's very untraditional but it's good and easy to eat, it's chocolate," She added with a smile.
"Mmm, it smells delicious," he chirped. The tray was placed on his lap. He took the strange apparatus called "spoon" and was about to dip in his first spoonful when Kiyone snatched the tray right from under the captain's nose.
"Rukia?" she asked, "Did you have anyone test taste it? It has to be perfect before the captain tries it.
Ukitake's head drooped down in despair. The smell of warm chocolate left him dangling in mid-air.
Yeah…that's when they called me. I suppose Rukia thought I was the perfect sacrificial lamb to her crazy cooking experiments.
"Oh come on, Renji," whined Rukia," It's chocolate, chocolate! You're acting as if I'm handing you—,"
"A pile of shit! He declared, finishing her sentence. "This straight up looks like a pile of shit!" he cried pushing the bowl away in disgust.
"I've had it with you!" cried Rukia. She snatched up the spoon and grabbing him from the back of his neck, pulling him down to her level, she shoved a spoonful of the stuff right into his mouth.
It was like, it was like an explosion of flavor in the mouth! Blasting off somewhere thinking, what the fuck? Three million times and feeling so fucking good in the mouth, it was like what the fuck? All over again! It was like, no way this is happening, yet it's happening, it was like, like, ya know what? I'll just shut up and continue.
"So…" Rukia asked nervously panicking, "What does it taste like?"
Renji remained in silent shock.
Rukia sighed, "I'm sorry Renji," she replied feeling defeated, "It's a good thing Kiyone suggested test tasting. I think the chocolate was the—,"
"Best part!" finished Renji. He looked at her in wide eyed wonder, "That chocolate was the best fucking part—gimme that!" he barked snatching the bowl from Rukia's hands. She jumped startled by such a sudden action.
"Renji!" she cried feeling like a ruffled hen, "Give me back the—,"
"IS there more?!" he asked excitedly, Renji passed the empty bowl. She could only sigh.
"I'll see hold on…"
Again the bowl in the elegant tray was presented before Captain Ukitake. He smiled like a sweet child at Christmas time. His long pale fingers toyed with the metal spoon before picking it up. The body was shivering with excitement, completely enticed with the smell of chocolate, his ultimate weakness.
Kiyone, Sentaro, and Rukia watched with concern as he took a spoonful and popped it into his mouth.
"Mmmm!" A cheery sweet look of sunshine lit the kind captain's face. Kiyone and Sentaro exchanged looks of satisfaction and both turned to Rukia.
"Domo arigato gozaimasu!" They chanted gratefully in unison.
"Oh, no, no, he's our captain after all and it's nothing really."
"NOTHING?!" burst Renji.
They all jumped. Abarai pounced in with a large pot of oatmeal in his hands. To Rukia's grave horror, it was completely empty.