I'm not sure how I feel about this one. This has been a work in progress for over two months now, and I'm not sure if I'm all that happy with it. Enjoy?
Title comes from Bridgit Mendler's 'Top of the World.'
The Bellas are really beginning to become the bane of her existence.
They insist on doing literally everything together.
She doesn't fucking get it.
She feels like she never gets a moment to herself anymore; they're always practicing, or performing, or hanging out.
Like tonight, for example, they've insisted on throwing this New Year's Eve party. With the Treblemakers. And the other two acapella groups that are on campus, but she'd be lying to herself if she said she knew what their names actually were.
It's weird. These girls claim to hate the Treblemakers, yet they seem to have no problem with the boys when they're drinking alcohol and dancing closely together to loud blaring music.
She really doesn't get it.
All Beca wanted to do this evening was hang out in her dorm, alone, mixing some music, and maybe say goodbye to the year with a few alcoholic beverages.
But, no, that didn't happen.
Aubrey insisted on her coming to this stupid party ('because we need to bond, Beca!') and she couldn't really seem to find a reasonable excuse to get herself out of it. So here she is, at the Treblemakers home that's close to campus, on New Years Eve, bored out of her damn mind.
She has to give herself some credit. She secluded herself in the far corner of the living room, sipping on the cold beer from the provided keg in her red solo cup, trying to avoid conversation with anyone.
So far, she's doing really well.
That is, until Jesse Swanson seems to spot her from across the room.
"Beca! Becaw!"
She immediately turns her head in the opposite direction. Don't make eye contact, she thinks. Maybe, just maybe, he's drunk enough that he'll think he imagined her standing there. Maybe he'll forget about her in a split second and strike up a conversation with someone else instead. Maybe…
"Beca, I know it's you." She looks back over at him, slowly, and he's standing right in front of her.
Jesse Swanson does not have much of an idea of the term personal space. She wants to hate it, wants to tell him to back off a little, give her a little breathing room. But, she finds herself not minding it so much when it's him standing so close. She isn't exactly sure why.
"Really? I wasn't sure if I was all blurry yet." She hates the flirty tone that her statement takes on. And the small giggle that erupts from her at the end of her sentence. Seriously, what was going on with her?
"Beca Mitchell, you were the last person I expected to find here tonight," he says. "I would have thought you were too cool to come to a New Years Eve party."
"Well, I did have plans to participate in a satanic ritual, but those plans were sadly cancelled."
"It's funny, because, I was actually planning on participating in that ritual, too." Jesse sips out of his own plastic cup in his left hand. "I guess it was just inevitable for us to spend this night together."
"Wow," she laughs at him. "I didn't think it was possible for you to get any more cheesy, but congratulations, you've managed it."
"Well, I'm flatted. That means a lot coming from you." He's smiling down at her and a feeling of heaviness surrounds the air around her. She isn't sure why but she feels like she needs to look away from him. She turns her her head down towards the ground beneath her, finding her feet on the floor much easier to focus on.
She doesn't know if he notices how uncomfortable she is, but he changes the subject right away. She chats along with him, as if nothing were really going on in her head, but she's still trying to figure out what the hell that feeling just was.
"You didn't tell me you were dating."
It's Amy's voice that brings her back to the present. Jesse had taken off to fetch the pair of them fresh beers, leaving her alone to her thoughts for a while. Well, until now, at least.
"Yeah, because I'm not."
Amy can barely stand up straight right about now as Beca watches her. She wobbles to the right, lucky the wall is there for her to lean her weight against. "Beca, lying to friends is frowned upon."
"There's nothing going on between me and Jesse."
"So, you mean to tell me, that all the flirting, all the eye contact, and all the giggling that's been going on tonight, it doesn't mean anything?"
"That's exactly what I'm telling you."
"Oh, Beca. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, my friend." Beca watches as Amy chugs down another gulp from her red solo cup. Amy should probably be switching over to water at this point, Beca thinks. She's pretty sure that won't be happening, though. "Well, I'll leave you to your boyfriend."
"He's not my…" But she realizes it's useless.
Amy already had disappeared in the crowd.
She's pretty sure her night can't possibly get any worse until someone yells out the suggestion that they all play Seven Minutes in Heaven.
Like they're all a bunch of high-school kids or something.
It's fucking ridiculous.
It's Chloe who makes the ridiculous suggestion of playing high school party games, of course. It's not like she's surprised with the source of insane ideas. If there was anyone who would have yelled out such a stupid idea, her money would have been betting on Chloe.
"Come on, everyone! Form a circle in the living room!"
Oh, hell no. There isn't a shot in hell she's participating in this bullshit.
She watches on from her corner as the group forms a circle in the center of the room, and she deems it as her chance to get the hell out of there. She pulls herself up and starts making a dash for the front door. She's just reaching for the door knob when all her hopes are shattered into a million pieces.
"Beca! Come play!"
Fucking Chloe.
"No, that's okay. I think I'm just gonna head back to my dorm and do some studying."
"You have to play! It's part of Bellas bonding!"
Of course it is, she thinks. Everything seems to be part of some ridiculous bonding experience with this group. But, it's part of Bellas bonding, they say. She's pretty sure it's all a bunch of bullshit.
She makes her way back across the room and takes a seat on the blue carpet between Amy and Chloe. "Fine."
"Okay!" Chloe announces, all bright-eyed and cheerful, like this was something she was actually excited about. "I'm sure we all know how to play, right? So, to determine who will go into the closet, we'll be using this bottle to select the two lucky people who will go into the closet," she points in the direction of the small coat closet in the front of the home, "for seven whole minutes!"
"Wow," Beca mutters under her breath.
"What was that, Beca?"
"Oh, nothing." She casts a glare in the redheads direction but Chloe's too excited to notice her eyes roll into the back of her head.
"Great! So, does everyone understand?" A various amounts of 'yes' and scattered mumbles echo in the air. "I'll go first!"
Beca watches on as the empty green wine bottle spins in countless circles in front of her. She wishes she could take the bottle and smash it against her head. She figures it would probably be less painful then playing this fucking game.
The bottle lands directly in front of Aubrey. That'll be hilarious, she thinks. That's what she gets for initiating this stupid game in this first place.
Chloe stands up from her spot, Aubrey following her lead. She asks, "Is someone timing us?" Multiple people already have their phones pulled out though, Chloe just nods her head and shuts the closet door behind the pair of the two of them.
Beca closes her eyes and wishes some magical force will just make her disappear from this place, but she doubts she's that lucky.
The worst part about this all is that Jesse is sitting across from her and still has her goddamn beer.
"So," the Australian accent from beside her asks, nudging her against the shoulder. "What do you think they're doing in there?"
"I'm hoping they're killing each other so I don't have to play this anymore."
Seriously, who plays this dumb game in college? Weren't they all a little old for these party games? She knows the answer is yes, but no one else seems to agree with her.
She takes a peek over at Amy's timer on her phone next to her and notices only one minute and thirty seconds have passed.
"Not a fan of party games?"
She rolls her eyes. "Not when they're meant for high schoolers."
"I bet Aubrey's discussing the Bella's setlist," Amy nods her head in the direction of the closet a few minutes later. "Chloe's probably trying to convince Aubrey they should at kiss at least once because it's the rules of the game."
"I don't care what they're doing. I want to go home."
"Aw, you don't even want to know a little bit?"
"No."
"You're not the slightest bit curious?"
"No."
She really should just leave, it's not like Chloe's here to hold her to it. No one else here would care if she left. Maybe Jesse, but he would probably understand why she needed to get herself out of there. She hoped he would, at least.
She'd be much happier at home, in her dorm, mixing music and avoiding the world. She doesn't know why, but she can't bring herself to leave. She doesn't want to be here, so why does she keep coming up with excuses to make herself stay?
It's the collective 'beeping' from the multiple phones set to the generic timer, announcing that the seven minutes were over, that bring her out of her train of thought, and it's Amy who shouts out, "You two can come out now!"
The two Bellas come out, all smiles, and Beca doesn't even want to know what the hell just happened behind that dark wooden door. They take their seats back in the circle with the rest of the group and Chloe, of course, jumps right back into the action of the stupid game saying, "Okay, who's next?"
She's not sure how but she's somehow avoided having to spin the bottle, or the bottle landing on her for a good hour. Okay, sure, half of that time was actually spent waiting for people to use up their lucky seven minutes of alone time in the closet, but still, she considers it a success.
And then she realizes they've actually been at this damn game for over an hour and that's a more shocking thought than anything.
"Beca! Your turn!"
Beca looks over in Chloe's direction and wishes this girl would just stop talking. Preferably all the time. She's gone unnoticed for this long, why does she need to be dragged into this damn game now? Really, she sees no need for it. "No. Let Amy go next."
"Amy already went. It's your turn to go."
"Well, let her go again, then. I promise I won't be too upset about it."
Chloe just looks at her with that stupid look, with that dumb, stupid smile. She could keep fighting, but she doesn't have the energy. This dull game is sucking the life out of her and she feels drained, even it she has just sat in silence for the duration so far. She grabs the bottle in front of her and gives it her best go.
It spins fast in front of her, in continuous circles until gravity starts slowing it down.
Anyone but Jesse, anyone but Jesse.
She isn't sure why, but the thought of being in a small space with him for that long, alone, scares her. They'd been having a perfectly okay conversation earlier, but they were surrounded by a large group of people and that's different. Just the two of them? It gives her a weird sense of anxiety and she isn't sure what to do with it.
She keeps her eyes on the bottle as it slowly starts spinning to a halt. She only looks up to see who the lucky winner was when the bottle comes to a complete stop.
Fuck.
Of course the bottle lands on Jesse Swanson.
Chloe's face is lit up like a Christmas tree when she turns her face in Beca's direction. Beca wants to smack the smile right off her face.
"Beca, Jesse! Go into the closet and we'll call you when your time is up!"
Some friends she has.
She feels Jesse trailing behind her as she enters the small space, closing the door behind the two of them, muttering, "This is so fucking stupid."
He's backed himself up into the far corner of the tiny closet; it's not like they had much room to move around, but he seemed to at least make an attempt to not stand so close to her. She appreciates the effort.
"Look, Bec, we don't have to do anything, you know that, right?"
"No shit."
"I'm just saying, there's no pressure. We can just stand here and talk."
She can see that goofy smile plastered across his face in the dim lighting and really, she doesn't know what she did to deserve this punishment tonight. The party, the dumb games, all of it. "Lucky me."
"You know what, we don't even have to talk. We can just stand here in silence."
"Thank god, I like that idea even better."
How much longer did she have to stay here, again?
"How's the Bellas setlist coming along?"
She isn't sure how much time's passed. Thirty seconds, maybe? Was he really only able to keep his mouth shut for thirty seconds? "I thought we agreed on silence."
"You're right. I'm sorry," he apologies. "Silence begins again now."
"So, how were your classes this semester?"
"Do you know what silence means?" Really, he must not. Because he insists on opening his mouth, again. She's pretty sure it's only been twenty seconds this time. He's really testing her patience.
"Well, yeah," he says. "But what's the fun in that when we can take this time we have together to learn things about each other?"
"Pass."
"Suit yourself."
"So, do you have any New Year's Resolutions?"
"Oh my god." Was this really happening right now? "We're not gonna be silent are we?"
"There's no fun in that."
"Sure there is."
He's quiet for a moment and she thinks maybe he finally picked up on the silence thing, but his voice rings through the small space a few beats later. "So, do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Have any resolutions?"
"No, resolutions are stupid," she says. She changes the subject right away and continues with, "How much longer do we have in here?"
He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check for her. "Like, four minutes still."
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"We must continue your movication soon, Bec."
She rolls her eyes, because really? This is what he chooses to continue with? "I'm already pretty miserable right now, please don't increase my irritation."
"We have to, though. You're falling behind. There's still so many great worlds to introduce you to. Like Harry Potter. And Star Wars."
"Oh my god, please stop talking."
"You know, we were having a perfectly normal conversation before," he starts. "I'm not really sure if I did something, or said something, but I wasn't expecting anything from you in here."
"Yeah, and?"
"Why are you so hellbent against talking to me at all, now? Is it really that frustrating spending time with me?"
Okay. That kinda hurt. She didn't want to make him feel like this. That wasn't her intention. Fuck. She really had no idea what she was doing. She just didn't know how to deal with this all. She's not used to the whole 'feelings' thing. Pushing them away is easier. Pushing him away was easier than dealing with it all. She didn't realize that by doing just that, she was seriously hurting him in the process. Until right now, when she could actually see the look of hurt written across his face.
"No, it's just…"
"It's just what?"
He's been nothing but a pain in her ass since she first got to college. And yet, she thinks, maybe, just maybe, he hasn't been as annoying as she's tried to let herself believe. Maybe she should just quit trying to fight what she's been trying to fight since he serenaded her from the backseat of his parents car.
It scares the hell out of her, but maybe she should just take a chance on him.
It's now or never, she figures.
She reaches her arm across the small distance between them, grabbing the back of his head and pulling his lips down to hers. He seems shell-shocked at first because he doesn't kiss her back. Not until she moves her body closer to his and reaches her other hand up to hold against the side of his face. His hands find the small of her waist and she allows herself to smile into it.
The kiss is slow and sweet, cautious, but it turns needy and hungry within a few moments.
She runs her tongue against his bottom lip and he seems more than happy to grant her access. He cups the side of her face with his left hand, his right hand still holding her tightly by the waist, pulling her as closely against him as he possibly can.
Her hands roam against his chest as they make their way back up to wind around his neck. Her left hand reaching up and grabbing at his hair as he tugs her even closer against his body. They both pull back a moment to catch their breath and she can feel him grinning against her mouth. She can't help but smile against his lips, too, as he covers her mouth with hers once again.
It's weird because all of the confidence she seemed to boost herself up with only seconds ago, appears to evaporate into thin air and suddenly she's very aware of what she's just done. What the hell just came over her? She just kissed Jesse.
Maybe she's drunk, she thinks. Sure, she only had one beer and hadn't felt even a slight buzz, but she must be drunk. It's the only explanation why she'd do something so incredibly bold without really knowing why she did it.
Okay, maybe she knows why she did it. But she still can't grasp at a reason for the sudden urge to do it right here, right now.
He must notice she's distracted, because he pulls away from her, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. It's very intimate, it makes her uncomfortable and she isn't exactly where she's supposed to put herself, what she's supposed to say.
She's keeps her focus on the floor beneath her feet when he whispers, "Beca."
It's only then when she looks up and their eyes meet in the middle of the small room. She opens her mouth to say something, anything, when several voices yell out amongst them that their time is up.
She turns on her feet, leaving the room before they were able to resolve anything that just happened between the two of them. It's better this way, she thinks. It has to be.
"So," Amys says as she sits herself back in her original spot. Amy leans over into her direction to whisper in her ear, "Is he a good kisser?"
Beca looks over in the direction of her blonde friend and only says, "We didn't do anything." There was no way in hell she was going to let anyone find out what just happened.
Amy scoffs at her. "We did nothing, my ass."
"We didn't. I don't even like him like that," she shrugs.
"Your lips are about as red as a tomato."
She feels her cheeks turning red at the embarrassment of it all. She can't even comprehend what she just did, she can't even being to think of how she's going to explain it to anyone else. So much for keeping everything a secret.
"Still nothing going on between you two?"
Beca folds her hands across her lap without answering the question Amy just asked her. She seriously needed to sort things out before she could even come up with a comprehendible explanation. She hopes she'll drop the topic until she can figure out everything for herself first. She just needed a little time.
It's not until the clock is fifteen minutes away from striking midnight that Chloe finally eases up on the high school party game.
Finally, she thinks. This moment couldn't come soon enough.
Everyone stays gathered in the living room, surrounding the TV on the wall, ready to watch the ball drop. She feels out of place. She's felt out of place the whole evening. This isn't her thing. Socializing and chatting and small talk. She should have stayed home. Or got out while she could have. The only person who attempted to make her feel comfortable at this outing was Jesse. And she's pretty sure she blew whatever was going on between them to shreds.
She couldn't care less about watching the ball drop or being in the presence of other people when the clock strikes twelve. It's probably better if she'd just leave now. She wants to leave now.
Midnight on New Year's always brings an eery feeling to her, anxiety about her future and all the things she hasn't accomplished for herself yet. This isn't where she wants to be, not even close. She should be in Los Angeles, and the fact that she's attending a university, studying courses she doesn't care about, makes her feel like she's failed. Kissing Jesse and ruining her friendship with the one person who's tried so hard to be her friend was only making her feel worse about herself.
She's making her way to the door when she feels someone lightly grab her shoulder, stopping her in her tracks. She turns around and breathes out, "Jesse."
"Don't tell me you're leaving before the ball drops. That's the best part of the whole night!"
His whole positive and upbeat aura makes her wonder if he forgot about everything that's taken place between the two of them tonight. Or maybe he's just being kind and not bringing it up in conversation right now. He always did seem to have a weird way of knowing what was running through her head. It scared her how well he actually seemed to know her.
"Yeah, I really should just get going. This isn't my kind of scene."
"You've made it this long, Beca. Do you really think I'm going to let you out of here now? You've only got a few minutes to go!"
He's smiling down at her and for whatever reason, whenever he does this, she can't help but smile back at him. Seriously, what the hell was going on with her? "Okay."
He grabs her hand and pulls her to the outside edges of the room, it's quieter and there are less people and she thinks he must have just known that she'd feel better away from the crowd of party goers.
"Is this better back here?"
"Uh, yeah," she says softly. "Thanks."
"Do you need anything? Food or a drink?"
"No, I'm okay," she shakes her head. "Jesse, look, about earlier…"
"10!"
The sudden shouting in the room of the traditional countdown breaks her from her sentence. Maybe it was better that way, maybe it was best they just pretend nothing ever happened and they can go back to being…whatever they were before. Friends? Co-workers?
"9! 8! 7!"
He stays right by her side, she can feel his eyes on her as she watches the room begin to erupt with excitement. She doesn't know what to do with herself. She's looking at her feet, the surrounding crowd, anything to avoid his gaze.
"6! 5! 4!"
She feels his eyes still burning into her and she finds herself wanting to look up at him. But she's terrified. She doesn't know what to expect.
She lifts her head slowly in his direction. She catches his eyes on her out of the corner of her eyes and quickly averts her gaze away from his. Her attention shifts back down to the combat boots currently covering her feet.
"3! 2! 1!"
She feels him lift her chin up with his index finger before she feels his lips crashing down on her own. She isn't really sure what she expected from Jesse after her stunt earlier, but this definitely wasn't it.
"Happy New Year!"
It's midnight and Jesse Swanson is kissing her.
It's nothing like the kiss they shared about an hour ago. That kiss was a frenzy of desperation and need. This is different. His hand comes up to cup the side of her face and he's kissing her so, so, softly that it makes her heart flutter inside her chest.
He pulls himself back and she slowly opens her eyes, finding herself staring up in the direction of his. She bites down on her bottom lip gently; she wants to hide the grin she's trying to fight from appearing on her face. But, then Jesse's lips curve from end to end as he looks down upon her and she finds herself not caring anymore about hiding her smile from him.
He leans in close to her to whisper, "Happy New Year, Bec." She feels him reach for her hand at her side as he tangles their fingers loosely together between them. She feels him kiss the top of her head lightly, and she leans in against his side.
Okay, so maybe the Bella's forcing her to come to this stupid party wasn't such a bad idea.
Maybe it was fucking fantastic.