In Command
Chapter 1 : I Am the Captain Now
July 2280
As he had expected, his new duties prevented him from doing the research that he preferred. But then, the labs were now under the command of someone else. He did not think he would ever get used to that. Nor did he like always being the one to give the final orders. These reasons and more were why he had always resisted this promotion. If there had been any way to avoid it this time as well, he would have. However, Jim Kirk could be much more persuasive than any of the admiralty had ever been. And his reasons had made more sense. And so here he was, sitting in the command ship, trying to defuse a situation without direct access to the computers or scanners, trying to ask the right questions so that he could proceed in the correct direction.
He was aware of Nyota's soft presence in the back of his mind, gently soothing him as she conveyed information from her console aloud. She was an immense help to him in becoming accustomed to this new role. Not that it was entirely new, after all, he had relived Kirk many times. But all those times, he had known that Kirk would be back, stepping down into the command pit to assume his rightful place. That would not be happening now. Whatever happened would be solely his responsibility. It was a weighty thought.
But it was the deaths that would eventually occur, no matter how carefully he considered his actions, that disturbed him the most. Early in his career, he had often appeared unfeeling to other crewmen when deaths occurred. He remembered well an occasion when Nyota had been extremely displeased with him over such an occurrence. He had learned not to entirely suppress his feelings on this subject, and to couch his reasons in softer language. When deaths occurred, the remaining crew needed to stay focused on what needed to be done until the danger was past, and allowed time to grieve afterwards. They did not need to grow angry with him and lose their focus.
There were many ways in which he had changed over the years, and often it was because of just such an issue. And now he was sure that there would be more changes, more giving in to the illogic of human behavior, in an attempt to keep the ship functioning smoothly. He did not fool himself at all, he knew he was no Jim Kirk with his charismatic persona that could magically sustain the entire crew. No, this was something that he would have to work at. He was only relieved by the fact that he had served with these people for many years, and most of them were well acquainted with his behavior know, and knew that there was real concern masked by his apparent indifference.
And now he only had his own paperwork to attend to, not having to constantly keep at another to finish up, or to take it over so that it got done. That, at least, was a relief, and a reduction in duty. He kept his desk clear, and left it all behind, as best he could, when he left his ready room and headed for Nyota's quarters, where he spent every possible evening. When he awoke, much earlier than she did, he would slip down the corridor to his own quarters, and fold himself down in front of his firepot to meditate. He would return shortly before she awoke, greeting early-rising crewmen he might happen to pass, with no embarrassment whatsoever. If few of the crew were aware that they were bonded, all of them were aware that they were 'an item'. And it was accepted, and acknowledged, and that pleased him greatly. He was beginning to think that it would please him even more if she would simply move into his quarters, but he did not think that there was any way that they could fit all of their belongings into that small space. They needed a large suite. Why hadn't StarFleet taken this into account during the refit? Perhaps it was simply that the space did not exist on the Enterprise. If she had not been in that particular room for so many years, he would have suggested that she move into the empty room next to his. It would have been easier.