Heaven, Hell and Erebus

by eternal-lie

"Who are you, little one?" Diana has resigned from her post as one of the seven Archangels, for a life alone in the strange half-life domaine of Erebus. Until Kenny McCormick is born...and dies.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park. If only...

So this is my take on the the natural, divine order... and how Kenny fits into it. God, Uriel, Gabriel, Michael and Raphael are my interpretations of them, as seen on South Park. It's not that I have anything against Christianity... I just like to fuck around in Theology.

---

Diana reread the letter from God she'd received a month ago in earth time. So he had finally chosen a child to fulfill the prophesy and save the world from two million years of darkness. Frankly she thought they'd been sitting on the issue for too long- they'd known this was coming since Satan had been thrown from Heaven. In fact, they had known since before she herself had given up her status as an angel, and descended into Erebus to guide those not dead back to the living world.

But God had done what he always did- left a problem to the last minute, and now the child would be nine instead of seventeen as he ought to have been. Seventeen was as close to adulthood as a child could be- she'd been there when Gabriel brought the number to God's attention. But He had been too busy worrying over Adam and Eve at the time. And then she'd visited to discuss her role with His Son, Jesus, and Gabriel had reminded Him again. But He had been caught up in the worry every parent goes through when they see their child dying soon... or so Diana guessed. Angels couldn't be parents; they could create another angel by rescuing a soul from those being sent to Hell, but they were usually adults already, and couldn't be raised and nurtured...

Looking up from the letter, she noticed a soul materializing in front of her. A tiny one, wrapped in an orange blanket. A baby. It was unusual for babies to arrive in Erebus. Babies usually either lived or died- they didn't leave their bodies too soon... "Who are you, little one?" She asked aloud, pulling a folder out thin air. "Kenny McCormick, age a month, choked on a beer bottle cap..." She couldn't believe what she was seeing. God's chosen one was right in front of her, and the fact that his soul seemed not to be going anywhere said that his body was dead...

"Oh no... I had a bad feeling something like this would happen, little one. You and I better go see God."

Gathering the baby into her luminously pale arms, she focused hard, and pushed aside the fabric of her domain, and through to Heaven. At the gate, she was met by St. Peter. "Diana, you know you cannot bring him in. If he is not meant for Heaven then he cannot enter."

"Peter, he's God's chosen child, and he's not supposed to be dead, which is why I need to see God immediately."

Seeing that the saint was stunned, she pushed past him, and the gates opened at her touch. Really, leaving Heaven had been one of the best things she could have done. She had a level of authority that no angel had, and certainly no saint. Angels stopped and stared as she passed through Heaven, baby in her arms. She knew she stood out amongst these ivory winged, golden skinned angels- she always had. With midnight-black curls streaming down her back, unearthly pale skin and large violet eyes... and before she'd given up her wings, they had been a silvery white and shimmering grey. The perfect personification of moonlight, suited to the guardian angel of the moon.

"Diana!"

Diana didn't slow at the sound of her name. She knew who it was; that damned Archangel Michael. With a flutter of wings, he landed in front of her. "Diana please... You cannot avoid me forever."

"I can try."

"Look, I understand that you are upset with me over my handling of the rebels-"

Upset? He thought she was upset? "You threw Satan and all those angels out of Heaven without allowing them to be judged fairly by their peers. Gabriel would have been fair and honest..."

"Satan wanted to take over Heaven!" Michael blurted out.

"And Gabriel would have judged him with the correct amount of severity and level headedness needed. Unlike you, who gets hot-headed and narrow minded in the middle of battle, and then throws a third of the angels out of heaven." Diana shot back.

He looked like he was about to protest, and Diana decided she'd had enough. Pushing past him, she made her way to God's domain. "God, we have something to discuss right now!"

"Oh, Diana! What are you doing here?" He popped out of nowhere, and startled the baby. "Oops, I didn't expect you to have a little one with you."

"It's fine." She sighed, rocking Kenny a little, and hoping his soft cries wouldn't get any louder. "Do you know who this is, and why I brought him here?"

"I may be God, but I'm not...omnipotent."

"You're supposed to be." She stated dryly. "This is Kenneth McCormick, the child Gabriel blessed as the chosen one to save the world from two million years of darkness. He died today, choking on a beer bottle cap. Evidently, whoever was assigned as his guardian angel has been non-existent."

Diana had never seen God so shocked in her existence. "I had Uriel on it... I thought for sure he would manage..."

"Uriel may be my twin brother, but he is also an idiot, who led Satan to Eden. I wouldn't trust him for anything that required his attention for more than a few hours. But getting back on track, what are we going to do about Kenny? He has to live long enough to die and go to Hell, but we can't give him immortality..."

He sighed. "I think it's a matter of, if he dies, sending Kenny to you to send back. I'll get Raphael on setting up a way to heal his body each time he dies, so that he can return to it. And I'll have Michael keep an eye on him."

Michael? Diana was sure to see Kenny at least once a month. "Fine. It'll be a nice change from the lunatics who electrocute themselves, and the chokers. But I don't want to see Michael at all."

"Alright Diana. You may take Kenny back and send him home."

She left Heaven swiftly, the organza of her long pewter gown swishing around her legs. "Some days..." she muttered half to herself, half to the baby."Some days I agree with Satan's questioning His Authority."

She still remembered the mess it had been. Satan had been an Archangel- only second to God in his power. But he had had ambition, and had questioned the natural order of things in a way that no one else did. He had had striking good looks, and a certain charisma then too... She'd passed up joining his rebellion though, because she knew it would not end well, and that there were other choices she could make. So she had watched from afar as the war raged on in Heaven, and then witnessed the fall of so many friends...

Diana didn't realize she had tightened her grip until Kenny whimpered in her arms. "I'm sorry little one." She sighed. "Please don't cry." What was it mothers did when their children cried? She remembered one mentioning lullabies; soothing songs... "Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around... Nothing's gonna harm you darling, not while I'm around..."

The whimpers subsided, and Kenny buried his face into her chest. Diana could feel his heartbeat faintly, meaning someone (probably Raphael) had reanimated his body back on Earth. Leaving Heaven, she pushed back through to Erebus, and set Kenny down in the warm grass. "Don't worry little one; I'll always be here when you come back." Somehow, she knew it would be a when, not an if, despite what God said. "I may no longer be an angel, but I'll still watch over your soul."

She kissed his forehead softly, and his big blue eyes stared up at her in wonder. "Now, it's time you went home, my little Kenny."

Diana laid both hands over his head and heart. "Guide him home " She whispered softly, and slowly, Kenny McCormick disappeared, back to life. Leaving Diana on the empty plane of Eberon, in the sweet grass under a pale sky.

---

The summons back to heaven was unexpected to say the least. She usually only went once every few hundred years, but twice in one? But it was the summons of God, and she knew He didn't ask her to come back unless it was necessary. It was probably about Kenny McCormick; she had seen him three more times in this last year, and frankly wouldn't mind knowing what was going on on Earth.

"Diana, please have a seat." God motioned as she walked in, last to arrive. Unfortunately the only seat left was directly across from Michael. She took it, and made a point of looking straight through him. Not avoiding looking in his direction, merely pretending he didn't even exist. The only others seated with them were Uriel, Raphael, and Gabriel. This was a meeting of high rank- it had to be concerning Kenny.

"As you all know, there have been problems with the one chosen to save the world from Satan's uprising eight years from now. The greatest concern is the frequency of his deaths." God said solemnly. "I have reason to believe that Satan has learned of his blessing and is trying to get rid of him before the time of prophesy. Kenny McCormick, it seems, has been cursed."

"I would think that apparent seeing as neither of the angels assigned to protect Kenny have managed to do so." Diana noted sourly.

"Really, Di, how can you be so put out?" Michael piped up. "I believe you've taken to calling him your 'little one' and 'special little guy'?"

"I would think it beneficial to our cause not to have him dying all the time, because each time, growth and development are hindered for the length of time he has died."

Seeming to sense the oncoming argument, God headed it off. "Unfortunately, our options so far have been limited. Gabriel has been forced to make additions to the original blessing. Immortality is not an option in that we need him ready to die, but then to be absolutely mortal would mean that in all likelihood, Kenny would not live to see two years old, never mind nine."

"Working in conjuncture with Raphael, we gifted Kenny with the ability for his body to heal itself completely after death, and be open to his soul returning from Erebus." Gabriel reported. "So far, the set up has worked very well, at least with the, uh, trials we've had to date..."

They all turned expectantly to Michael. "I have tried my best to protect Kenny from harm..."

"No he has not." Uriel cut across him. "Michael has been finding himself distracted by the women of earth and the trying to find his way into Erebus even though it has sealed itself against him."

Their focus shifted to Diana. "It is not my doing. If Erebus senses that I don't want to see him there, then it is acting of its own will. And if Michael cannot out-will a plane of existence—"

"That is enough, Diana." God shushed her with a hand held high. "I know that everyone here is concerned, but it all depends on whether we can work together to raise and protect Kenny. Diana, it is your job to make up for the raising that is missing in Kenny's home. You have had more contact with mankind than any angel residing within Heaven, so I trust you have some idea of what to do. The rest of you, fulfill your duties to the best of your abilities."

The Archangels left, but Diana lingered. "God, what will become of Kenny after the war is over?"

" He will still be blessed with the gift of resurrection, though with that particular death, I believe a short reprieve in Heaven will be earned." God assured her.

"And will he eventually be given the rest of a full and proper death?"

"When it is his true time- the one destined at the moment of conception. I assume you know it from his file."

She did; April 25th, at age 35. Young, but not so young that he had not had the chance to live yet. Though in this particular case, living a full and proper life was going to be made difficult with the regular deaths marring his time on Earth. "Somehow, that seems less than fair." She remarked.

"Each soul has their own time, and to take them before, or after, said time is to go against fate itself. Frankly your best bet, Diana, is not to grow too attached. You cannot hold on to him forever."

"I know I cannot, but it doesn't make it any easier." Diana replied, and turned away before God could give her a pitying look.

---

"Diana!"

Diana laughed as an orange blur appeared and raced to hug her with so much energy, it nearly knocked her over. "Excited to see me, Kenny?"

Arms around her middle, he clung even tighter. "Mhm. I missed you!"

"I missed you too." She replied, holding Kenny close. "Do I want to know what happened?"

It had been three years since Kenny's first death, and Diana had watched him grow into an energetic and sunny three year old boy. And ever since Kenny had learned to talk, Diana had asked him how he had died. She wanted to keep a record of sorts, to see what got him the most often—what Michael ought to keep an eye out for.

"I fell down the stairs and got a neck owie." Kenny grinned up at her, by now not so affected by the pain or shock of death. A neck owie meant that he'd broken his neck—for the sixth time.

"Kenny, my special little guy, when are you going to learn to be more careful? Just because you always come back doesn't mean you don't die."

He pulled back, staring up at her with those deep blue eyes. "Don't you want to see me Diana?"

"Of course I do, honey. It's just that I don't like you hurting yourself that way." She assured him. "And doesn't it make your mom sad when you die?"

"Mommy is getting used to it. And she has Daddy and Karen to take care of."

Diana couldn't help but feel bad for Carol McCormick. With a drunken husband, an idiot older boy, a new baby, and on top of it, Kenny, she had more to deal with than most mothers. "You know she loves you though. Even if she doesn't show it."

"I know. But why can't you be my mommy, Diana?"

"Because I can't leave here, Kenny. I 'm not allowed to go to Earth."

Kenny pouted. "Why not?"

"Because I'm not a human like you, Kenny. Before I came here, I was an angel." Diana explained. "I was one of the original angels in Heaven, but I didn't want to be one anymore, so I gave up my wings." He wasn't old enough to hear the rest—not yet. Maybe not ever. But it was enough to keep him content for now. After all, how long would the subject hold a three-year-old's attention?

"You can be my here mommy, Diana!" Kenny declared, and grinned up at her.

Diana smiled back softly. "I'd like that."

She knew Kenny should be getting back, but didn't want to let him go. "Kenny, I think you need to get going."

"But I don't want to! I want to stay with you..."

"You don't have a choice, Ken, and neither do I. No matter how many times you come here, you'll always go back."

He pouted more, and then yawned unashamedly. "Alright, but can you carry me?"

Diana sighed, but lifted Kenny up into her arms anyways. She was such a push-over for him. The little boy wrapped his arms tightly around her neck, and clung to her with his legs, like a monkey. It was a little stifling, but cute too. Heading off to what had been deemed the "return site", Diana couldn't help but hum a little. "Mhm mhm hmm hmm, mmm hmm hmm mhm..."

"Diana, does that song have words..?"

"Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around, Nothing's gonna harm you darling, not while I'm around..."

---

She couldn't help but glare at the six year old standing before her. Really, how could he be so irresponsible? And Michael— oh next time she saw that Archangel, she would murder him... "Kenneth McCormick, tell me how you managed to die twice today."

"Well the first time I was pushed down the stairs by Craig!"

"And the second?"

Indignance slipped into guilt. "I was climbing onto the school roof for ten dollars..."

Yes, Diana was definitely going to make Michael wish he was never created. "Kenny, why do you do these things? I know dying isn't such a big deal for you, but it still hurts and hurts everyone around you. And as much as I like seeing you, it's hard for me to see you die."

"I needed the money." Kenny admitted. "I need new shoes, and mom and dad don't have the money. Ten dollars would be a lot for shoes..."

Her anger dissipated. It was moments like this that Diana wished she could be part of the living world—to be able to make a difference in Kenny's life. But she couldn't; she'd given up the power to influence the world when she gave up her wings. So it was a frustrating situation, watching Kenny go without shoes, or good food, or love. And the only thing she could give him was love. Love didn't feed or clothe you, but it helped ease the rest.

"Kenny, I know you need the money, but you need to see that your life has value beyond money. Your life is worth a lot more than that of anyone who would offer you money to risk it."

"But the priest at church says that everyone is equal."

"The priest at church also believes that God looks like an old man, and there were no female Archangels. The Earth churches have very little idea what they're talking about, and I wouldn't listen to them, Ken."

She was amazed at the look of disbelief that widened Kenny's eyes to the point that they were all she could see of him in his hood. "So everything they tell us in church is a lie?"

"Not quite." Diana corrected. "What happened to Satan, and Adam and Eve, and Moses, and Jesus...is true. But when it comes to things that have little Earth involvement, they don't have much way of knowing what's true and what's myth. I would just listen to the points they're trying to teach."

"I don't need to go to church then; it's all pretty easy. Don't do anything that would hurt someone else, or make you look stupid."

Diana just shook her head; she had lost him, and there was no getting him back on the right track. That was what she got for trying to discuss religion with a six year old. Maybe in a few years, she'd try again. Preferably after he had gotten a look at Hell, and Heaven.

---

"MICHAEL!"

Diana couldn't resist yelling for the Archangel, rather than looking for him. The dramatic in her wanted all of Heaven to know that Michael, defeater of rebel angels, was in hot water with the Guardian of Erebus. The news would buzz through Heaven for at least a month, and maybe even a year.

"What's with the shouting, Di?" He asked, landing beside her.

"For the last time, Michael, do not call me Di! You have not earned the privilege to give me one of your stupid nicknames." She snapped harshly. "And the reason I'm here is because so far, you have not made any visible effort in keeping Kenny from dying."

"It's not for lack of trying, Diana; honest! Have you listened to what goes on in South Park, Colorado? I think the entire town is trying to kill that kid."

"But half the stuff that happens to Kenny wouldn't be fatal if you did a better job of protecting him. Twisting his neck the right way would keep him from breaking it, and not letting him fall so much..."

"It's not as easy as that." Michael snapped back, losing patience. "Uriel was hopeless at this too, you know, but I don't see you chewing out your brother."

"Uriel didn't know what he was signing up for—you did!" Diana couldn't believe this. "I swear, you are the most irresponsible guardian angel ever to exist."

"Not quite; Raphael failed to keep Adam and Eve innocent in Eden. He and Urial screwed up so bad, your old flame Satan managed to get in there."

He just had to pull out Satan. "You're never going to let it alone that I loved him once, will you? He was a different angel when I did; before he started rebelling against God. I knew it would end badly, so I decided to stay out of it. I made the right choice despite how I felt. I didn't let it cloud my judgment. And just because you've never loved, Michael, doesn't mean you have the right to judge those who have."

"Love didn't do much for you, Diana, now did it?"

Diana wanted to end this conversation then and there, but she had to stick it out, and get a promise of some real effort out of him. For Kenny's sake. "Michael, we can't let this be about either of us—our personalities—it has to be about Kenny. I want him to have a better life than he would if no one was watching out for him on Earth. And if that means taking care of him through you, then so be it."

"You really care about that kid."

"He's my friend. Kenny McCormick is the only human face I have had a chance to see more than once, for a decent length of time. I don't have friends in Heaven anymore, and I can't go see them in Hell... Kenny's all I've got."

The Archangel sighed. "Then if he means that much to you... I'll try. I won't make any guarantees, but I'll try, Diana. Call it my way of trying to make up for what I did."

She'd have to settle for it. "Well I have a theory that so long as Kenny only gets hurt, not dies, he'll be more careful doing certain things. A few minutes pain and a trip to see me is a lot nicer than a broken arm and a few weeks in pain."

"I'll give that a try then. But like I said, no guarantees."

"Alright. But don't start thinking this means we're friends. I still loath you."

---

After the war on Earth, Diana had a week before she saw Kenny. She'd received a letter from God telling her everything that had transpired, and how though he had gone to Hell as planned, he'd also had a short stay in Heaven. He also mentioned that Kenny was slightly upset with her—apparently they'd had a bit of a talk, or what God called a " friendly chat". But Diana was to be ready to deal with some resentment.

Some resentment was a huge understatement.

"YOU WEREN'T THERE! DIANA, YOU LIED!"

Never had Kenny shouted at her; he respected her like a parent, or more like an aunt, and Diana had no idea how to respond. Shouting back would be easy, but certainly wouldn't make things any better. "I know I wasn't there, Kenny, but that's because you didn't come here. I can't go to Hell, and I shouldn't leave Erebus if I can help it either."

"But you PROMISED to always be there!" He spat at her. "And you weren't!"

"You think I'm happy about it, Ken? I hate that I had to break my promise, but we've all had to do our duty. You were chosen to convince Satan that he didn't need Saddam, and therefore end the war. You saved the world! It's more than should ever have been asked of you, and It wasn't right of God to put you through it. But it's over now, and I'm still here; I'll always be here, in Erebus. You won't see me when you truly die either, and you need to accept that, Kenny."

It was a pretty hefty speech, and Diana waited patiently for Kenny to absorb it. He'd obviously calmed down some, but that didn't mean he forgave her. Diana had neglected to warn him that she would only be in Erebus for him; not the rest of the afterlife. But some general common sense would suggest it. "I'm still mad, Diana, but more at God than you. He let a kid go to Hell so that kid would save the world."

"God isn't exactly easy on the people He cares about the most." Diana agreed. "Just look at Jesus. He let His Son be nailed to a cross."

Diana still remembered when Jesus had stayed those three days with her. It had been torture to hear what they had done to him; how the people had treated him. And the way he'd spoken of Mary Magdalene, it was obvious he'd fallen in love with the girl.

"One thing I'm wondering, Diana, why do you hate Michael so much? He said you told him flat out you loath him."

Oh dear... "I hate Michael because he is a hot-headed idiot who doesn't understand when to act, and when to draw the line. He's done a crappy job being your guardian angel, and yet when we had the war in Heaven all those years ago, he didn't stop with just quenching the rebellion—he threw the rebels out of Heaven. One of them was the angel I loved, and though I didn't like what he did, and don't like what he's become, I still can't help but feel for him."

Kenny's eyes snapped up to meet hers. "You were in love with Satan?"

"It was thousands of years ago." Diana shrugged. "He was a lot more charming then, and handsome. But when you feel nothing but pain and hatred for thousands of years... it changes you inside and out. In his case, I think he went gay too, but that's neither here nor there. And I didn't just lose Satan, I lost a lot of friends who would have been judged innocent and mislead by Gabriel, had he been given a chance to judge them. Michael ruined Heaven for me, when he took away everything that made it home and paradise. That's why I hate him."

"I'm sorry Diana." Kenny whispered, and hugged her tightly. "That wasn't fair, for him to be judge, jury and executioner. And leaving you alone."

"It's alright, Kenny. It was the thing that made me give up my wings, and the Divine oppression that went with them. In Heaven, I was the seventh Archangel and beneath the others and God. But here in Erebus, I am under no one's authority, other than Divine Law."

"Even if you're lonely."

"Well, I'm not so lonely since you first came, Kenny. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me."

The young boy let her go. "I should probably be getting back; they're getting used to me coming back after a few hours. Though being dead for a few weeks was a bit of a change."

Diana couldn't help but smile. "How is Hell, anyways?"

"If you're not being condemned for a bad sin, it's kind of boring. More like regular life if you don't run into Satan. And apparently being Catholic or Jewish won't save you from Hell. Only Mormons go to Heaven, unless you're a saint."

At this, Diana couldn't help but smirk. She'd told the Pope that one time he'd shown up in Erebus, but had he listened? Nope; he'd insisted she was a demon sent to tempt him. Though that may have had to do with her dark, pale appearance, and being female... "Mormons deserve it. They're always decent to me when they come here. Still haven't understood what this place is...but accept it better than most."

"I avoided them as much as I could in Heaven. They're always so...happy." Kenny grimaced. If any kid knew that life was not all smiles and rainbows...

"So do you want me to send you off?"

"It's okay Diana; I'm not exactly a little kid anymore."

That was true, Diana hated to admit. Kenny was nine years old. He knew about Heaven, and Hell, and war, and sex, and swearing. It was only a matter of time before he discovered booze, and drugs, and then he'd grow up into a man, and probably see her less and less... until he'd die for the last time, and Diana would be alone once more.

"Alright Kenny. I'll see you soon enough."

---

She could sense that he was in pain, but wasn't leaving Earth yet, and it scared her. Kenny wasn't supposed to suffer for so long; that was unheard of for Diana. And she couldn't go on more than her gut feeling, and connection to her young friend. It was painful, to know something was wrong, and yet not know anything. It reminded her of waiting for Jesus to be crucified. So what was wrong with Kenny?

"Diana?"

She turned, and was startled to see Gabriel there. Gabriel only ever came to Erebus when there was urgent news. "Gabe, do you know what's wrong with Kenny? I can feel that something's wrong, but he's not showing up like usual..."

"That's why God sent me; He wants you to know that Kenny's terminal, and dying slowly. That's why you can sense him, Diana, but why he hasn't arrived yet. There's nothing that can be done, but wait for him to die, and then carry on—business as usual."

"How long can we expect to wait?"

Gabriel shrugged. "They don't know for sure. A month, maybe less."

A month? She had to wait for a month? "I...I can't just sit here and wait Gabe. I have to something or I'll go nuts!"

"Diana, you can't go crazy—only humans do that." He reminded her. "And as for staying here, that's the other reason why I came. God understands how close the two of you are, and offered for you to stay in Heaven until Kenny dies."

Really, Diana wanted to be with Kenny in the living world, but she couldn't; Heaven would have to be the next best thing. Spending time with Gabe and Urial wouldn't be so bad... so long as Michael stayed clear of her. "I'll have to take God up on that offer."

Heaven was the same as always, and Diana realized that she felt less constricted than she had sitting in Erebus. There had been a sense of apprehension—like the entire landscape was waiting for Kenny—and she hadn't even realized how much she felt it. Uriel swooped down to meet them, and pulled Diana into his arms. "It's good to see you, Di. And I'm sorry that Kenny is suffering."

Diana couldn't hold back a sigh at that. Uriel was kind hearted and honest, but didn't possess tact, or the sharpest wit. At a time like this, she would have appreciated having both his good nature and a dose of tact. Namely in not mentioning Kenny as soon as she arrived. "Maybe Kenny will stop taking his deaths for granted now." She said, trying to seem less affected than she was.

"Diana..."

"Really, it's for the best in the long run—"

Gabriel cut her off. "Diana, I know it's easier to think of it that way, but that's not how you're feeling. You know that."

She shot him a glare. "Would you rather I stay anxious and worried?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then let me deal with this as I'd like until Kenny dies, and I return to Erebus."

He looked hurt. "Diana, I only mean it as your friend—"

That was too much. "Gabriel, since when have we been friends? All the friends I had in Heaven were thrown out along with Satan. Now if you don't mind, I would like some time for private thought."

They didn't try to follow her as she made her way to the gardens of Heaven, thank goodness. Who did Gabriel think he was, assuming they were friends? Yes, she preferred him over Michael any day, but he too was to blame for the outcome of the war. Gabriel hadn't dared stand up to Michael and stop him, and neither had Uriel. Uriel she could forgive, because he was much more passive in nature, but Gabriel...

"Diana, it is nice to see you back here."

She spun around, and there was Raphael, standing a few feet behind her, smiling grimly. "Raphael, you surprised me." Diana admitted.

"I just came back from Earth, doing an assessment on Kenny." He told her. "He's slowly getting worse, and treatment is not possible. They're not fighting this."

"Good. The sooner this is over, the sooner things will carry on as normal."

"Kenny has become a strong figure in your existence." Raphael remarked.

"Kenny is the only one I can depend on seeing ever again." Diana couldn't help but say wryly. "I think I'm closer to him than I was to Beelzebub or any of the rest..."

"Even Satan?" He asked.

"You know that's different." She replied. "Satan and I were lovers. Kenny is a nine year old boy."

He gave her a look that said, 'He's not going to be a boy forever.' And Diana didn't have any retort for that. She'd never really thought of Kenny growing up—at least not into a man. For most angels, humans were short-lived—they watched them grow and die. But until Kenny had come to Erebus, she had seen humans as static. After all, she had left Heaven before Adam was created, and only returned for short periods since. Kenny's growth had snuck up on her; she'd hardly seen the difference between baby and toddler, kindergartener and second grader, and now he was nine, and starting to enter the transition to adulthood...

"Diana, how long did Gabriel tell you to expect Kenny to die?" Raphael asked, the question coming out of the blue.

"He wasn't sure; a month or so, maybe longer."

"I can try to shorten that time, and ease Kenny's suffering. No promises that it will work—my influence on Earth is minimal—but I will try."

Diana stared at him in amazement. "Raphael, you would? But why?"

"Because you are suffering, Diana—I can sense it better than you yourself—and I witnessed you suffer enough after the war. I know you don't remember the days following it, but your grief nearly destroyed you. You are stronger because of it, but God and I both still worry; your attachment to Kenny is deep."

"So this is God's doing?"

"No. I suggested it to him, and he agreed. I carry much more concern for you than the others. Michael is far too headstrong, Gabriel too righteous, and Uriel too optimistic."

Diana couldn't help staring at Raphael as if seeing him for the first time. He was darker than the others—olive skinned, rather than tanned, and dark haired. His eyes were not the usual bright colors of the angels, but a subdued grey, the same shade as his wings. She'd hardly noticed the Angel representing God's Will, while she had still lived in Heaven. Raphael had always been an outside observer; always closer to God than his fellow angels.

"I admire your choice to leave Heaven, Diana." He said suddenly. "It has not been the same since the war, though you would have to look closely to see the changes. If I were not the representative of God's Will on Earth, I would have resigned my status and perhaps joined you in Erebus, or gone to walk among the humans. But I do not have the freedom from duties that you did, and never will. God does not need eyes in the sky at night, but he does need someone to guide the humans to what he wants for them."

"I placed myself in Exile, because I couldn't stand the accusations that I was Satan's spy in Heaven." She explained bitterly. "It was not such a noble idea as you make it seem."

"I never said it was noble. I said I admire you for getting out. Big difference." She didn't know how to respond to that. Raphael was truly a puzzle of an angel. "Now, I should go and see what can be done about Kenny."

With a sweep of wings, he took off, leaving Diana standing in the garden, feeling oddly confused, but calmer. Like the storm inside her was dying.

---

Kenny took two weeks to die, and then stayed with her a year. God had asked that Kenny stay, in order to teach his friends to appreciate him more, and Diana was not about to refuse. Her two week stay in Heaven had been a combination of memories assaulting her at every turn, frustration at waiting for Kenny, and peace whenever Raphael sought her out. She had been so relieved to go back to Erebus to meet Kenny.

It had been strange, to have Kenny always there. They'd never had so much time to talk, and Diana took full advantage of that, telling Kenny stories of her memories of Heaven, and odd tales of other souls who passed through Erebus. There had been so many over the years, and some of their stories... people who had shot themselves, been hit by lightning, fallen ill, been stuck in comatose states, and even been meditating. Some of what they said to her was oddly funny in hindsight. Clergymen often thought they'd been sent to a seductress for one final test, and more often than not, tried seducing her. Those who were hit by lightning loved to tell her all about the experience, often with much dramatics.

And Kenny had taken the time to tell her some of his own stories in more detail. About how they had created elephant-pig hybrids "the old-fashioned way" by getting them drunk, and the coming of Damien the Anti-Christ. They were strange, almost surreal stories, and they made Diana laugh more than she had in thousands of years. She wished she could meet Kenny's friends, and tell them what she thought of their antics—especially Cartman. But then she'd remind herself that she couldn't; she wasn't part of that world. Kenny had two lives—his existence with her in Erebus, and his life in the living world.

And that was why she sent him back after only a year, because Kenny needed to live rather than exist. He was a child! Nine years old, but still a child—one who had to live whatever amount of life he could get. And even though it had hurt to let him go now more than ever, she sent him off with his promise to stay in the living world as much as possible. But in order to guarantee that, she had to go see Michael, which meant another trip to Heaven. Luckily, she found him in the garden. "Michael, I need to talk to you about Kenny."

"You're here to nag me about watching over him again?"

"Not quite. I'm here to nag you about watching over all his friends—Stan, Kyle and Cartman. If you can keep them from getting into dangerous situations, maybe Kenny will be at less risk."

"You must be out of your mind, Diana." Michael protested. "Watching the four of them and trying to keep them out of shit is impossible."

"Nothing is impossible, Michael; you defeated an angel more powerful than you or Raphael." Diana pointed out. "What's to keep you from keeping four boys out of spaceships, and away from weapons, drugs, natural disasters and terrible diseases?"

"They still have free will."

"Why else do you think I'm going to ask God if we can get Raphael on this?"

The Will of God backing the protection of the angels would cut back on Kenny's deaths significantly. Only if he was doing something they had no control over would he be at risk. It was a much better plan than God had put in place.

"Diana, you are one crazy spirit, but you may actually have bested Death on this one." He conceded. "My only question is, aren't you going to miss Kenny?"

"Of course I will." She admitted. "But I have to put Kenny before myself. I got spoiled this year—having him all to myself—and I need to accept that he doesn't belong in Erebus. No one does."

"You don't even belong there; you're really supposed to be in Heaven."

"I couldn't stay here; it's too constricting, and has too many reminders of things I lost."

Michael didn't supply a snappy comeback, and Diana couldn't help the tiny part of her conscience that said she'd won this point in the 'Cosmic Tally'. Really it was just her being small and stubborn about hating Michael. "So should I go talk to God about this one?" She prompted him.

"Actually, I think he'll feel better about being bested if I make the suggestion. His pride's a little hurt that Kenny died that way sooner than he expected, and you just remind him of that. So why don't I go tell him the plan, while you go let Raphael know. I heard you two are pretty buddy-buddy anyways."

He laughed, and took off towards God's domain, leaving Diana a little mortified. She knew angel gossip—they probably thought she and Raphael were "involved". And that was... just not right. Diana could only see him as a friend. One who had helped support her through rough times, and really cared about how others were...

"I just ran into Michael, and he said you have something to tell me, Diana?"

Raphael laughed as she jumped in surprise. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" She snapped, trying and failing to bite back her own grin. "And I do need to talk to you; I had an idea about how to protect Kenny better. If we focus on his friends as a whole, and keep them away from dangers, then there's less chance of Kenny dying."

"But how do we do that if they still have free will?"

"Affect the situations with God's Will. They are still free to make choices, but if we eliminate some of the worse ones by eliminating the situations attached, then there's greater potential they'll make choices that will keep them alive."

The grin on his face grew wider. "Diana, you are a genius. Why didn't God think of that?"

"Because he's too conservative in his thinking when it comes to things concerning Kenny." She guessed. "I think he tries to treat him too much like he did Jesus, without remembering that Jesus had fewer things trying to kill him, and doesn't have the emotional flaws of humans."

"Well if God gives it the go-ahead, consider me in."

---

"Diana, I can't understand why I'm not dying as much anymore."

Diana looked up from the cards she was holding, to see him giving her an 'I know you know something' look. She was less than surprised that Kenny would mention it. He was bound to notice the difference in the cycle of his life-pattern. After all, if you went from being dead half the time to being alive almost the whole month, you'd notice right away.

"It was decided that Raphael would exercise God's Will in the situations around you and your friends. You need to have more time to actually enjoy your life."

Kenny looked put out. "You never asked me about it. And now I don't see you as much."

"I'm always gonna be here Kenny." Diana replied. "That's one thing you don't need to worry about. Erebus is my home."

"Isn't there some stupid saying like 'Home is Where the Heart Is'? Cause if that's the case, I don't think Earth's my home; I don't give much of a crap about any of them."

"Didn't you sacrifice your life for your friends in South Park?"

Kenny shrugged. "That was more because I knew I'd come back, and didn't want to have to deal with everything being fucked up."

Diana ignored his language. "There's got to be some decent people there."

He gave her a 'look'. "I've told you about everyone. Name five decent people."

"Fine." She liked a challenge. "Chef."

"Okay..." No argument there.

"Stan."

"Too wrapped up in his own shit."

"Kyle." She countered. "He took you with him to Jewbilee instead of leaving you alone."

"Alright." He conceded. "Kyle's actually a decent guy. But you still need three more."

"Butters Stotch."

"He's a fucked up little pussy."

That time, Diana couldn't ignore it. "Kenneth McCormick, you had better watch your mouth."

"But mommmmmmmmmmmmm..." It was their running joke. When she would tell him off for something (usually his potty mouth) he would call her mom.

"Getting back on track... what about the guidance counsellor, Mr. Mackey? He's never done anything to purposely screw you over."

"Except when he signed us up for Getting Gay With Kids, and we went to Costa Rica, and I got hit by lightning."

"And you got a girlfriend who saved you from dying like usual. And I thought you were happy to go seeing as you had a thing for Kelly on sight."

"Fine. Count it."

Diana grinned. "Jesus."

"Hey that's not fair!" Kenny exclaimed. "Jesus is... well, Jesus."

"He still counts; he's a decent person living in South Park."

"Well..." You couldn't exactly argue that Jesus wasn't a decent guy. He was Jesus. "You have one more."

"...Stan's Uncle Jimbo's friend Ned."

He thought about it for a minute, and then swore loudly, making Diana laugh. "How do you even remember people like that?" Kenny asked, still visibly pissed off that she'd named five people from South Park.

"I have the memory of an elephant; I never forget things like that." She replied loftily.

"So you remember whose turn it was then?" They'd completely forgotten the card game. Diana couldn't even remember what they were playing.

"I say we call it a draw and forget it entirely."

"Sure; why not?"

Stretching out on the grass, Kenny stared up at the pale blue-grey sky. "Diana, why is it always the same here? It's never night time or stormy..."

Ten years, including a full year there, and he was only asking now? "Kenny, Erebus isn't a world like Earth or Heaven or Hell. Erebus... is a sort of middle ground, where people who aren't dead in the soul come. Even though God never planned on people dying in the same manner they do. When He created Adam and Eve, He planned to bring them straight to Heaven Himself. But they got kicked out of Eden, and then all the rest... and I'd already decided to exile myself here; I may as well be useful. But there's no time here; no days, or months, or years..."

"Then how do you know what day it is?"

"Someone usually tells me. Remember how I sometimes ask you? Or if I go to Heaven then I can find out."

He frowned. "And how do you 'know' I should be heading back to Earth?"

Diana started; didn't he feel it too? "There's a feeling I get—like Erebus is telling me what's going on. I got it when you had Muscular Dystrophy, and were dying in the hospital."

"You could feel that? Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"It doesn't really matter, Kenny. What matters is that I know, because Erebus and I are linked, and Erebus is linked to the living world. It's tough to explain how I know... I just know."

---

"It's working very well, my collaboration with Michael."

Raphael had come to visit Diana—something he was doing more and more frequently. Partially as a progress report on Kenny, and partially to make up for Kenny's absence. Diana felt guilty missing Kenny when he was free and enjoying his life, but at least Raphael eased some of that.

"You know, he isn't as bad as you think he is." He continued. "Michael can be stubborn and a little arrogant, but he's also loyal and honest, and a good angel."

"I don't care—he still irritates me with his attitude and undying sense that whatever he does is for the best."

"You may not like it, but he did earn the right to be arrogant; he saved Heaven."

She was steamed. "Look, can we not talk about him? There's about a million more interesting topics out there, that won't piss me off as badly."

Raphael smirked. "Then shall I tell you about Uriel and his latest screw-up?"

"Oh no, what did he do?"

"He's fallen for one Liane Cartman, the mother of one of Kenny's friends, and has insisted on going down to Earth with us to see her."

Diana was a little shocked. "Isn't she... a major slut?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Your brother sure knows how to pick them. I think he may become the next Watcher."

That would be a disgrace. Watchers were those who fell for humans, and fell to Earth because of it. They walked unnoticed among the humans until they gave up and faded away, or until the end of days. "He wouldn't be that stupid. Being a Watcher means being banished from Heaven, and not allowed to contact any angel or demon, forever."

"Gabriel and I are working on talking him out of it, Diana, don't worry. I know you and Uriel aren't close, but I thought I should just warn you it might happen. You and he are very different in your natures. He is an optimist with a warm heart, but very bold. You are more reserved, and a realist, but have a subtlety to you."

What it all came down to, was that Uriel was like the sun, and she was like the moon, as they had been created to guard over them. But the moon wasn't in need of her, and the sun was no longer in need of Uriel, so they had taken up other charges. Uriel was now Hope and she was the guide for souls lost in Erebus. Man had changed everything for them; Raphael had been given the charge of being God's Will among them, Gabriel was still messenger, but now spoke to people of greatest faith... and now Michael had been given his duty to man; protecting Kenny so he could defend the world, and then Heaven, as he had done.

"It's hard to believe that I haven't seen the moon in thousands of years." Diana mused aloud. "I miss it in a way—we were made for each other."

"The pagans thought you were the moon—especially after one of them would see you. Diana, Goddess of the Moon." Raphael smirked. "A beautiful, solitary Goddess."

"And I'm going to assume that God's never been pleased about that. It's probably why He was so cold towards me during the first great civilizations."

"Well, when you get portrayed as an old man throwing lightning bolts around, and having a bunch of brothers and sisters, and a father who tried to eat you, you can understand why He had a pole up His ass."

She rolled her eyes. "You've been spending too much time with Kenny and his friends. Next you'll be calling God a 'cock-sucking asshole'."

He gave her a playful glare. "Diana, now that's just crude."

She couldn't help but love this playful banter—it reminded her of times with Satan, back when the world hadn't even existed, and her moon shone over Heaven instead. They had been so happy... And it seemed she was happy again. Not as often, no, and not as freely. Diana could never naively believe again that it could last forever. But still, she could be happy in this moment.

"You know, you make me question whether I gave up more than I thought I did by leaving Heaven." Diana sighed. "Because even though I thought Heaven was empty to me, apparently there was still one angel who could give me the friendship I lost."

"Your decision was rash, but it was for the better. I would much rather see you happy less, than an empty shell every day."

He took her hand in his, and Diana knew; he was feeling a good bit deeper than friendship towards her. But she... she had no idea how she felt on that level. Had never thought about it—had never wanted to think about it. It had been thousands of years... "You should be heading back. Michael's gonna let Kenny die if you stay any longer—just to spite me."

"He would." Raphael chuckled, and let go of her hand. "I will see you soon enough. Should I tell Michael you send your love?"

"Tell him I'm absolutely dying to see him."

She sent Raphael off with a laugh and a pain in her heart. Why did he have to complicate things?

---

Kenny was staring at her critically, and it was unnerving Diana beyond all sense. "Kenny, what is it?"

"That's what I was going to ask about you. You seem different—like you have something weighing you down. I'm trying to figure out if it's me, something else, or if I'm just going crazy."

"Well you are crazy, but that's got nothing to do with it. I just have a lot on my mind right now. Something that's got to do more with Heaven than with you.'

"Are you thinking of going back?" He asked, looking at her fearfully. Did he really think she'd want to leave him?

"I cannot go back to being an angel." She reassured him. "And even if I could, I don't want to."

"Well, if it's not about me, and it's not about Heaven... is it about Michael or Raphael?"

"Right on the money, but I don't want to go into details, Ken. It's between him and me."

Kenny, she noticed, looked put out, and a little hurt. He knew almost all there was to know about her; there were few secrets between them. He had none. She knew about everything; his dreams, his fears, his first bj... "If you're getting fucked by Michael, I think I deserve to know."

"I'm not in a relationship with either of them, and watch your language, Ken." Diana admonished. "I know it's got to be the hundredth time I've told you, but what's the point in talking like a sailor?"

"It's not hurting anyone, see? Fuck shit bitch cocksucker tits."

"Okay, but why bother? I'm the only one here, and all it accomplishes is pissing me off."

"...Okay,I can see your point. But I think it gets to the point where you don't even think about it; that it's just part of your vocabulary. Besides, I learned most of the main swears from my parents; the rest came from Terrence and Phillip."

"Terrence and Phillip... I remember when they were here during the war. All they did was fart on each other and try to get me into a threesome."

Kenny's eyes bulged out of their sockets. Maybe that had been too much to tell a thirteen year old. "You could have fucked Terrence and Phillip? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you were nine years old at the time, and then I nearly forgot it." Diana said airily. "Priests and celebrities are always pulling stuff like that when they pass through here."

"And how come I never see any of these others?"

"Because Erebus can hold people back until I can give them my full attention. I think you're the only one it's allowed in while I wasn't here."

"Probably because it thinks I live here." He joked.

Diana shrugged. "I'm not sure why. You know, before God created Heaven, He was here. This is the only thing the Great Creator didn't create. There's a lot we don't know about Erebus. It's a mystery, and it makes me wonder how God came to be. That's the kind of thinking that started the war in Heaven, and it's what made me not fit to be an angel—I question too much."

"I think you would have made an awesome human, Di."

"Too bad I was created about a few thousand years too early." She smirked. "God alone knows how much trouble I could have been."

---

"Uriel, can I talk to you?"

Diana was in Heaven again, but this time it was for her brother. Raphael had told her he was still over the moon over Liane Cartman, and they thought maybe if he heard it from her—his twin sister—he would listen. Maybe.

"If this is about Liane, I don't want to hear it; I don't care if she's human, and I don't care if she's as bad as Jezebel. I love her, and I want to be with her."

So much for listening. "Uriel, don't be an idiot about this. Liane Cartman is just a woman, like the billions there are down on Earth. She would think she loves you, maybe, but as soon as another man came along, it would be over. Do you really want to lose everything you know and love for her?"

"You're one to talk about leaving, Diana." Uriel gave her a pointed look. "You left Heaven, and everything you knew and loved."

"I left because I don't belong here. I know it seems like I left because of Satan, but if it had been for him, I would have asked to go to hell—not Erebus." Diana pointed out. "But I knew I didn't belong when even though I knew the rebellion was wrong, I couldn't fight against it—I still believed in the principles behind it."

"And so you thought that was enough reason to leave me?"

"Uriel, we may be twins, but we're not very close. You had better friends left after the war than I did. You have Gabriel and Raphael and Lithia and Kitziannia... Your friends fought in the war; they looked down on me for not. They judged me for loving Satan before he fell, even though they had loved rebel angels too. They judged me, Uriel; I was so tired of being judged..."

Uriel just looked at her critically, the way Kenney sometimes did. "You think they don't judge me, for loving Liane?"

"They judge you because they are concerned and don't want to lose you, Uriel. What would you do, if you became one of the Watchers? You would be stuck on the Earth, watching Liane fade away and die, and then left to wander the world until you fade away yourself. I don't want that for my brother." She smiled wanly."And no one wants that for their friend."

He smiled back slightly. "I can't help how I feel, you know."

"I know. But if you really care about Liane Cartman, you can wait however long it'll be before she dies—whether that's five days, five years, or five decades."

"And if it's too long?"

Diana shrugged. "Then maybe you weren't meant to be together in the first place."

---

Kenny showed up doing something he'd never done before—laughing. "Okay Ken, what's so damn funny?"

"Butters... he got drunk, took is clothes off, and kissed Clyde. It was soooooooo funny... Did I actually die from laughing?"

Apparently Butters wasn't the only one who was drunk, or stoned, or whatever Kenny was. "Sort of. I think you choked." He had that reddish tinge to his face she sometimes noticed when he asphyxiated. "How much have you had to drink?"

"Not really sure... maybe ten?"

Ten beers, or ten vodka shots? Diana saw enough alcohol poisonings to know what drunken teenagers were like, and drunken fifteen and sixteen year olds were by far the stupidest. "I think I ought to send you back so you can get everyone in to get their stomachs pumped."

"They're fine..." Kenny giggled. "Stan and Wendy are sober—she's a prude and he's a pussy. Kyle was trying to keep Bebe's hands out of his pants, Tweek, Clyde and Craig were playing beer pong, and Butters...was being Butters."

"And what were you doing?"

He grinned that perverted grin she remembered from when he'd died of Syphilis. "Rebecca."

Why did she even ask? "Kenny, why do you do this stupid shit? You make me feel like your mother again."

Kenny grimaced. "Argh... don't say that, Di. I hate when I start thinking of you like my mother, 'cause it fucks around with the fact that you're hot."

Oh great; now she would be stuck remembering that Kenny McCormick, whom she'd known since he was an infant, thought she was hot. "And what makes you say that?" Why did she ask these questions?

"You have a nice ass, great tits, and you're scary beautiful." He told her candidly. Alcohol was a real truth serum... "I described you as a cousin, and Clyde admitted he would probably want to fuck your brains out."

"Okay, now that I didn't want to hear. Time to go back, Kenny."

"But I don't wanna..."

Diana was a little more flustered than usual. "Fine. Sleep it off here, and then I am sending you back."

Flopping down on the grass, Kenny grinned up at her. "You're pissed off because I called you hot."

"I am not."

"You are."

"I'm not."

"Then why did you only get pissy and flustered after I said so?"

Damn; she was caught. "Kenneth McCormick, remember that I first met you when you were a month old, and not only naked, but nearly bald."

"I think I've changed a lot since then." He mused. "Definitely gotten more impressive. I could show you..."

"Kenny, do us both a favour and keep your clothes on. You're sixteen, and I'm thousands of years old."

"You look about twenty-eight."

"Angels and spirit-based beings age well."

"No wonder why Jesus gets all the chicks, including Cartman's mom." He giggled. "I think everyone in South Park's been with Cartman's mom."

"Thank you so much for that lovely image." Now all Diana could think about was how her brother thought he was in love with this woman.

"Remember, I'm a pervert. I like to shock and disgust people with sexuality,"

She knew that well enough. "You know there's more to life than sex, right?"

"I know. There's booze and drugs and money." He giggled drowsily.

Diana softened "There's also love and children and careers. But you can't seem to care about that, Ken. You think you have all the time in the world..."

---

"Diana, what has you so on edge? I have never seen you like this."

She wasn't sure why she'd gone to see God. He wasn't her first choice in friend, but when it was your two closest friends who were causing the problems, it rather limited your options. And really, He wasn't so bad, if you caught Him in a serious mood. "Kenny thinks I'm hot, and Raphael might be in love with me. I've never been so confused. I never imagined Kenny could see me in that way—I did more than my fair share of raising him, and then Raphael is so out of left field... Next I'm going to learn Satan wants to make up, and Michael's secretly been jerking off to memories of me—"

"Diana, that's not going to happen. Satan is happy with someone else in Hell, and Michael's attracted to Gabriel, but doesn't know it." God assured her. "Now, as for Kenny and Raphael... maybe it's a good thing that Kenny thinks of you as a non-matriarchal figure, and has the ability to see you as a sexual being. It means that you did not replace Carol McCormick as his mother. It's not as if he'll fall in love with you because you are attractive. Raphael on the other hand, may be just the thing you need. It's been a very long time since you were involved in a romantic relationship, and I think it's time you considered it again."

"God, I really couldn't..."

"Why not? I think over four thousand years is long enough to get over Satan."

"Well maybe it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with the fact that I don't like to think about Raphael that way. He's good and honest and somehow I just can't get into him."

"Well maybe the problem is that you won't let him into you."

Diana shook her head. "Now that was just crude."

He chuckled. "It got your attention. I know you like to think you're infallible, Diana, especially after what happened with the war, but you're not. Despite what you like to say, you're still an angel, if not by office, than by nature, and even the angels need affection, and someone to love."

"I just don't think Raphael is right."

"Though he seems to be the perfect match for you. He obviously cares about you, he's kind, intelligent, honest, good—perfect."

Raphael was perfect for her, really. He was the kind of angel she was meant to be with... except she wasn't meant to be with him. "Somehow, I think I need someone who isn't so perfect. After all, I am the angel who gave up being an angel."

God stared at her long and hard. "I think maybe part of the reason you don't want to let Raphael in, is Kenny. I know you have focused an awful lot of your attention on Kenny, and watching over him, and maybe you need to focus on getting him through his life before you can do anything for yourself."

"Maybe."

"It's only going to be eighteen more years anyways."

Diana felt a cold wave wash over her. Eighteen years? Kenny really only had eighteen years? She knew it was coming; it was right in his file that he was going to die at thirty-five. But eighteen years? His life was almost half-over, and Kenny wasn't even out of the sex-booze-party stage yet. Somehow, it just didn't seem right... but God was looking at her like this should be some kind of ease of burden. "Yeah, there's only eighteen years left."

Diana left feeling almost worse than she had going to see him. Before she'd been confused, but now things were clearer, including the fact that Kenny's time was starting to run out. It was always staring her in the face, whenever she added something to his file, but she'd been able to ignore it until now. It took someone else pointing it out to make it real.

She arrived back in Erebus just in time to see Kenny arrive. "Twice in one month, Ken? You must be partying too hard."

"More like Clyde can't drive; he ran me over—" He stopped short. "Diana, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm alright. I—" She couldn't lie—not about this. "I just got reminded today that you're not going to be around forever. I went to see God, and He was talking about after you die for the last time. Frankly, He was acting as if I should look forward to it, the idiot..."

Suddenly, Kenny was right there with his arm around her shoulders. Since when had he gotten so tall? "Don't worry Di; it's probably not going to be another fifty or sixty years. That's lots of time."

She couldn't help but love his naivety. "That is."

Kenny wiped a tear she didn't realize had been there off her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I know; you'll be around forever, and my life's gonna go by like that. But you'll be able to visit me in Heaven anyways."

Oh no, no, no... Why did he have to say that? "Umm...Ken, It's not... guaranteed you're going to Heaven..."

"WHAT?"

She couldn't bear that she was the one to bring him to this epiphany. "I'm sorry Kenny."

"After all God's put me through, He doesn't have the decency to make sure I go to Heaven?"

He was looking to her like she could fix it. "If I could do something, Kenny, don't you think I would? I don't know if it's because of your sins and shortcomings, your status as a non-Mormon, or what. But God's never been fair to those whom he uses, now has he? He took away everything Job had to prove a point to Satan, and then he still sent him down to Hell. But you'll have to earn your place in Heaven, Ken."

He just shook his head. "It's useless, Diana. I don't think I could convert to Mormonism, and giving up being a pervert isn't gonna happen."

"You could always schmooze up to Raphael—he might angelicize you."

"Can you really see me as an angel, Di?"

With that messy halo of dark blond hair, boyish smile, and those bright blue eyes? "Of course I can, Kenny. You'd probably do better as an angel than I did."

He hugged her tightly. "You're still an angel, Diana. My real guardian angel."

---

It was after Kenny turned eighteen that he started showing up more often in Erebus. Not quite the every single day of when he'd been a kid, but more like two or three times a month, rather than once every few months. Michael and Raphael were lost as to what to do—it was his own doing, and therefore out of their hands. But whenever Diana asked why he was risking himself so blatantly, Kenny would skirt the issue. And every time he came back, Diana would try again.

"Ken, you were doing so well, what happened? If it's the fact that you may not end up in Heaven—"

"It's not that Di; let it go. I want to use the time I spend here enjoying it with you, not fighting."

"Then don't fight me on this." She insisted, grabbing his face in her hands, and staring straight into those blue orbs. "Just tell me the truth about what the heck is going on."

"It's not..." He faltered, and looked away. "It's not to hurt you, Diana."

"Well it is, Ken. You know it hurts me to watch you throw away whatever amount of time on Earth you get. I know that it sounds like I am talking about things that I know nothing about, but believe me when I say you need to remember you will die one day, and not come here—not go back to Earth—and then you'll regret it forever."

Kenny's eyes narrowed. "You know when that's supposed to be, don't you Diana. You've probably known my entire life! What is it?"

She crossed her arms. "I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?"

"I'm not allowed to. If you knew, you would be unable to devote whatever amount of your life you have left to actually living it. You would just sit around, day after day, thinking about dying for good, and waste however long you have left. It's for your own good."

"Since when do you, or fucking God while we're at it, know what's good or best for me?"

Before Diana could respond, he was gone, leaving her to feel a slight pride in that if Kenny was pissed off with her, he wouldn't want to see her any time soon. It might even be a whole year before he showed up again, and while he'd spend a part of that time being angry, he would also be living that time. Rather than wasting it with her...

But only a couple of hours later, Kenny was back. "I'm sorry Di. When I got back I realized I could die without seeing you again, and you'd just remember me being pissed off at you like that. I don't want that to be how it ends."

"Neither do I, Ken. Apology accepted." She replied, with a soft smile on her lips and a heavy sigh in her heart. He wasn't going to go, was he? Kenny would keep dying until he finally reached the end of his long life of bouncing between realms, and Diana would have to watch as twice a month turned into once a week and so on... "I'm not going to ask you to promise to live—you won't keep it. But I hope you try anyways,"

"Diana, you get me, and no one else does in South Park. I'd much rather lead a half-life with you, than a full misunderstood one."

Kenny pulled her into a strong hug, and before Diana could say a word, he was gone. But she knew he'd be back.

---

When Kenny showed up for the third time that day, Diana couldn't help it—she started to cry. He'd been doing this for a year—dying over and over. Each time telling her it was because his life was empty; she filled the void of friends who had gone off to university, or community college, or simply moved away. They were gone from their quiet mountain town—had moved on—and Kenny was left behind. But she knew the reason his life was so empty was that he spent his days with her. Kenny had neglected his family, his friends, and opted to just die, day after day, slashing his wrists or choking himself while reading porn. Never leaving the house...

"Diana, don't cry..." He started to wrap his arms around her, but she pulled away.

"Look at yourself Kenneth McCormick!" She shouted at him. "Look what you've done to yourself! You never see the sun—never go outside! What happened to Stan, and Kyle, and your little sister Karen? Don't they matter to you?"

He looked bewildered. "But I just want to see you, Di, before I die for good. I don't want to waste time."

"But all I've ever wanted for you is to live your life as best you can, despite being cursed. I don't want you to live in pain to die for me; I want you to be happy."

Kenny seemed to be dumbstruck—like the message that she had been trying to get through to him for all those years had only just been received. "You just want me to be happy?"

Diana nodded. "I know you think I'm lonely, and I am sometimes, but I care more about your happiness than mine. I'm going to have a lot more time than you will, Kenny, and you've brought enough happiness into my existence already."

Pulling Diana into his arms, Kenny held her tightly. "I'm sorry, Diana. You've spent so many years trying to get me to live, and then I turn around and keep dying to be with you."

"It's alright Kenny... you still have time."

Diana could faintly feel his heart beating—his body was ready, and she really should send him back to South Park... but she really didn't want to let go of him. Something about Kenny, despite driving her mad with guilt and sadness only a few minutes before, still made her feel calmer than when she was on her own, or with Raphael for that matter. He was becoming more and more obvious in his infatuation with her, and Diana just knew...

He could never make her feel like this; this safe, this calm and this crazy at the same time, and that was why she wanted to be able to keep Kenny with her in Erebus forever. Except that Kenny had to live the rest of his life, like she kept telling him. Diana couldn't turn around and tell him to stay with her instead—that would be hypocritical and selfish.

"...I don't think it would be right to get married and have kids and stuff though." Kenny was saying. "I know you're trying not to say anything Diana, but I'm getting the idea that I'm gonna die before I'm forty. It wouldn't be fair to a family to die like that."

"I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, Ken—that's up to you. I just want you to be happy."

Kenny gave her one last squeeze and then let Diana go. "I should probably get back. It's gonna be weird to have a full day alive tomorrow, but I can get over it." He paused. "Do you think this is it; that it's goodbye?"

"Probably not, Kenny. You've still got that curse Satan put on you as a baby." Diana smiled sadly. "And I'm certainly not complaining about having you come here that first time."

"We'll always have Erebus." He joked. "Though I'm definitely not Humphrey Bogart."

"Maybe not. But I think you don't give yourself enough credit anyways."

---

Raphael was staring, Diana noticed, and she knew it was because he was sensing something different about her. She'd somehow felt lighter since Kenny left. It was because she knew he was living, rather than just existing. She missed him, but how much did that matter in the long run anyways. So long as Kenny was happy?

"You seem happier, Diana." He said suddenly. "I'm guessing it's to do with Kenny."

"I finally got through to him about living his life. He hasn't died for almost two years."

"But I'm guessing you miss him too." Raphael added. "Though that doesn't seem to have dampened your spirits. If fact I think you may be happier than when Kenny was with you for a year."

"Doesn't the Church try to preach selflessness?" Diana teased. "Some crap line that is; selflessness is for do-gooders and masochists."

"That's not really an answer."

"Maybe it's just knowing that he's happy."

Raphael did a double-take. "You... you're in love with him."

"I'm not in love with Kenny." Diana said levelly. "I know what love feels like—I've been in love before—and I'm not in love with Kenny."

"Maybe you just thought you were in love before, but this time you really are. Does Kenny make you feel calmer, yet crazier, and even though he makes you happier than anything, his happiness is more important than yours?"

"Maybe."

"Then you love him."

"And how would you know that's love?"

Raphael sighed. "Because I'm in love with a beautiful angel who doesn't see me in the same light."

"Well even if I'm in love with Kenny, It's not going to make much of a difference—He's human and destined to live on Earth, and then probably go to hell, and I'm the guardian of Erebus, who can't go to either of those places. I may as well just get over it." Diana resigned.

"You let Satan go—you got over it. This is different. You deserve a little happiness of your own. Try to work out something with God." He urged her. "Try to get a leave on Earth."

"And what if Kenny doesn't even love me back?" She asked. "Wouldn't we both be better off if I just let it go?"

Raphael took Diana by the shoulders. "You're making it so hard not to say 'Screw it, get over it, and be mine.' Diana." He said quietly, before pressing his lips to hers. Diana was too surprised to kiss back, but she knew it would be pointless anyways. Raphael was too cool and light and... He wasn't Kenny.

Pulling away, his face was a combination of mournful, and resolved. "See, no spark. You're not meant to be mine Diana—you never have been or will be—so you must be Kenny's. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me on it. Because everyone in Heaven says that we belong together, except that we don't belong together. It's you and Kenny, and that's how it always will be."

"I'm sorry, Raphael."

"Don't be; I'd much rather see you with Kenny McCormick than that stubborn idiot Michael, like everyone expected ten years ago."

Diana couldn't help herself. "He has feelings for Gabriel and just won't admit them."

---

"Hey Diana. Long time, no see." Kenny smiled as he materialized in Erebus. He'd gotten older—of course he had, he had to be thirty-four now—and yet he looked better than the last time she'd seen him. Still on the thin side, but not as emancipated and lifeless as he had been thirteen years before. There was a spark in his eyes, rather than just a haunted shadow.

"It's a record; thirteen years." She joked. "And I think it did you a world of good Ken. You look... alive."

"Aside from the fact that I was shot in a hunting accident." He laughed. "Jimbo's gun misfired, and I knocked Ned out of the way. Figured if I'm meant to go today, I'll go today, and if not, at least I get to see you again."

Diana noticed a shift in his expression. "I've missed you a lot, Kenny. Honestly, there were times when I wished I could have been more selfish and let you keep hurting yourself, so you could be with me. But I couldn't do that—it's not my nature."

"There's times when I wanted to say 'fuck it' and go back to dying every day." Kenny admitted. "Because I missed you even more than I expected, but I learned to live with it. It was what would make you happy, so it was easier to accept."

"We must both be masochists, Kenny, if all we want to do is make each other happy at our own expense.

"Either that, or we're saints."

"Are you still a pervert?"

"Proudly."

Diana grinned. "Then you're guilty of two sins—pride and lust. Better luck next time, St. Kenny."

"Well that may be the case, but you're still too hot to be anything but an angel, Di."

She looked at him sharply. "You still think I'm hot?"

"Of course." He replied, "Diana, it's not like you've changed. You're always gonna be hot because you'll always be like this."

"I know I don't change—I just thought maybe you had. You used to call me hot when you died drunk."

"That was because it's easier to tell someone what you really think if them when you're fucking wasted."

"So what's different now?"

Kenny smiled sadly. "I went thirteen years without seeing you, Diana, and I'll probably die for good the next time I get killed. So if there's any time to say shit I always should have, it's now."

If he was ever going to say it, now would be it, right? "I thought we always told each other everything."

"Everybody's got a few secrets they don't tell even the person they're closest to. But Michael and I had a bit of a chat when I went got knocked unconscious last year, and he told me that if I had anything I would even possibly regret not telling you, I should do it if I had the chance."

Kenny took a hold of Diana's hand, and held it tight. "I think there is no one more beautiful, caring, and brilliant than you, Diana. Not on Earth, not in Heaven, and certainly not in Hell. You've been here for me whenever I needed you, and that year I spent with you was paradise, because there's no one I would rather be with. I... I love you, Diana."

"I love you too, Kenny." She whispered, and then he pulled her into his arms to kiss her, and there was that warmth that had been missing from Raphael. That sense of security and calm and home. It was there, with Kenny, and she knew that no one else would ever make her feel this. Not in a million years.

And in a few months... it would be over. Kenny was going to Hell—God had confirmed that his life's sins and failures could not be overruled even by converting to Mormonism, and he certainly wasn't up for sainthood. He would go to Hell, where Diana couldn't reach him, and she would be left alone again...

"Kenny..." She broke away with tears stinging her eyes. "We`re never going to be able to make this work. You`re going to Hell, and I can`t follow you, as much as I wish I could. And your time is almost up—you`re down to months. I guess it`s too late to say we can`t do this, because we already did; but there`s never going to be an us. And I've gone through this hurt before..."

Gently wiping away her tears, Kenny didn't even notice the ones slipping from his own eyes. "We can't exactly hurt each other much more than we already have, Diana. Anything we have from here on is a memory we can share forever. Even if I forget everything else, I'll remember that we love each other." He swallowed thickly. "After all, we still have now."

Diana couldn't resist it; she let herself fall back into his arms. If this was the last time she could be with the spirit she loved, then she couldn't hold back. Not if she wanted to spend the rest of eternity without regrets—without the pain of knowing they could have done more. Even it was what broke her in the end, at least they'd been together once in the mess known as existence, and that's all that mattered.

---

Diana sent Kenny off with a tear-streaked smile, and a shirt with no buttons. They'd made love until Erebus' pull grew too strong to ignore, and Diana knew it was time for Kenny to go. In a cheesy romance novel, he would have left by the light of the rising sun. But Erebus wasn't a romantic place—the grey sky stayed the same, and made it all seem even more unreal than it already did. The only trace that anything so ground-breaking and earth-shattering had occurred were the buttons lying in the worn-down grass.

Diana felt like her heart had been ripped out—a heart that didn't even exist! But she could feel the throbbing pain coursing through her spirit, and knew it was the knowledge that they were never going to be together the way they wanted. A memory was a poor substitute to the real Kenny—his smile, his laugh, his warmth, his arms...

Ripping through to Heaven, she raced to God's domain. "GOD!"

"Yes, Diana?" She could tell from the look on His face—He knew what had happened, and knew what she was feeling then and there.

"Is there any hope of Kenny being anglicized?"

"No, Diana. Not unless Raphael was to give up his one chance to save a soul from Hell. And he will save that for the one whom he is meant to love."

"I thought so." She said quietly. "Then can you cast me down into Hell?"

God sighed. "If you had remained an angel, then yes Diana. But you gave up being under My Rule and Law; only the Divine Laws that I must follow apply to you now. Like me, you cannot enter Hell, and you are bound to the realm which you guard. Erebus will not let you go to Hell, or Earth, Diana."

"But there has to be a way! Why else would Kenny and I be meant for each other?"

"You want love to make sense, when that's part of its nature; love doesn't have to make sense. After all, you and Raphael are almost perfect for each other, except that you're not. You and Kenny, by all rights and means, don't belong together, except for the fact that you belong together."

"And you know all this first hand, right God?" She snapped angrily.

He stared her down. "Diana, I watched my Son fall in love with Mary Magdalene, and I fell in love as well once—with an angel who had fallen as a Watcher. But as I lost more and more contact with the Earth, we were able to be together less and less. I have not seen Xaphania for over two thousand years."

"And how do you do it? How do you continue on with this pain?"

"It fades with time."

Diana knew what He was not saying. It fades, but it never goes away. It was right there in God's eyes. She would suffer forever, until it was all she knew, and the happiness she and Kenny had shared would be a dim memory to cry over. There would be nothing else. "I will continue on as I did before then; before I knew Kenny, and all I had were memories of a better time with a better angel."

God just sighed. "I wish I could make you do otherwise. Like give Raphael a chance, and enjoy an existence between Heaven and Erebus. But I can't; that's your free will, Diana."

"Yes it is."

She left bearing tear tracks on her face, and a broken heart, for all of Heaven to see. This was the price to pay for loving a human. There was no happy ending to be had; no fairy tale. Only acceptance that their love was in vain, and that they were better off never loving at all. Diana could feel their stares, and their sympathy, as she walked through Heaven; it was the same as when she'd left for Erebus. Because despite their suspicions of her sympathies with the rebels, they had been saddened to see one more member of their ranks leave.

But this time, instead of hanging her head like a self-imposed exile, Diana walked with her head held high. She would not let this be a crack in her armour. They would see a strong and unbreakable entity, even as her metaphorical heart shattered into a million pieces. They didn't have to see that she was nothing on the inside.

---

Holding her son in her arms for the first time, Diana couldn't even fathom holding back the tears coursing down her cheeks. "Hi baby... I'm your mommy."

Time had passed—how much, she didn't know for sure. No souls had visited Erebus, and no angel had intruded upon her grief. Grief that had left her shattered and hollow within until she realized there would be a child. Then Erebus seemed to have sealed itself off from the rest of the cosmos to protect her. So whether or not any of them knew a spirit-child had been born...If anyone, God would know, and He would tell those He saw fit to tell. Those who deserved to know that a soul had been birthed without a body to an archangel with no wings. It wasn't supposed to happen—angels had no children. But corporal angels had mated with humans on Earth once, and no one really knew the extent and laws of Erebus...

Sleepily, the baby opened his eyes. They were the deep blue of his father's, just as the sparse hair on his head was dark blonde. He looked like a smaller version of Kenny, when he'd been a month old. Exactly like her Kenny, and even though it would probably haunt her, Diana knew he'd be the part of Kenny she'd need to make it through the rest of eternity. Because some time during the pregnancy, she'd realized she couldn't be without him entirely. There had to be something...

"You're daddy's not here, but I know if he were, he'd love you very much, my little one. He loved me very much, and made me take chances when I never did before." Diana wasn't sure why she was explaining this to a newborn, but what did she have to lose? "I've spent nearly his whole life missing him, and I'll probably miss him forever. But I still have you, baby; he gave me you."

The baby gurgled and grabbed a lock of her raven hair in a pudgy fist. "There's only one thing I never told Kenny, and he was long gone by the time I knew. He's probably dead by now, but I wish I still could have told him—"

"Could have told me what?"

Diana froze—there was no way. She was hearing things—going mad. But angels couldn't go mad... "Kenny..?"

Spinning around, she saw that he was standing there, grinning like an idiot. "I don't really know how it happened, but someone brought me to Heaven and they made me an angel. A few strong words with God, with Michael backing me up, and I handed over my wings to be with you."

Setting down the baby, Diana flew into Kenny's arms. He was there; he was real. She could feel the solid warmth of him against her. "I thought... I thought..." She couldn't think through the relief and joy that was filling her heart. "Promise me you're here to stay."

"I'm not going anywhere, Diana." He promised, kissing her softly. "Now, aren't you forgetting something?"

"The baby."

Gently she picked him up, and Kenny leaned over to get a better look. "God dumped another child on you to babysit?"

Diana grinned. "That was the best thing he ever did for me. But in this case, no; he's ours, Kenny."

Kenny's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Ours...? You mean, when we—?"

"Mhm. The first spirit child born in Erebus is our son."

"C-can I hold him?"

Diana transferred the baby from her arms to his, and Kenny was absolutely awed. "He looks just like me."

"Probably because you're the human—you have family inheritance. But I haven't decided on a name yet. I probably would have named him Kenny, if you had gone to Hell as expected."

"But I'm here, and if we look too much alike, that could get confusing. I think I know whom I owe being here to, if you don't mind. I mean, one is your long-time nemesis, and the other still loves you, but..."

Diana grinned, and planted a feather-light kiss on his forehead. "Michael Raphael it is."

---

Fin