A/N: Hey guys! I wanted to do a story from Julian's perspective, and figured he would have this kind of reaction after the season finale. He cares too much about Caitlin to just accept her walking away. I love Julian's character, and I hope I did a decent job writing his thought process (I certainly had fun with it). Hope you like it.
Julian held the cure in his hand as tightly as he dared as she walked away from them. Walked away from him, taking a part of him with her.
He'd thought, when Cisco had told him that Caitlin was acting like herself again, that she would come back to them. To the team, and him.
Things had been going so well before she'd become Killer Frost. Just a few hours before they'd almost lost her, he'd kissed her as she lay on the bed, saying that they were okay. He wasn't mad at her anymore, and she wasn't mad at him.
He really hadn't expected her to get under his skin. At first he'd managed to keep his distance, but she was the one who talked to him the most, aside from Allen. And he'd hated Allen, so that hadn't done much to soften him to the team.
Caitlin was different. She'd told him as much as she could about what was going on (before he was told Barry's secret). She'd blatantly told him when he was being an ass, something people rarely did to his face. He rather liked that about her. And after she'd given him a place on the team, if he wanted it. Extending the olive branch between him and the others. Giving him a chance at friends, maybe a family.
So yeah, he'd attached himself to her. She was the one he wanted to see every day, when he walked into the lab. Hers was the smile that made him feel lighter than he had in years. And when she pushed him away, because she was scared of losing control and hurting him again? It made him want to hold her that much closer, to reassure her that he wasn't scared. She wouldn't hurt him, not now that she knew him.
He'd always been an awkward person, and some of his interactions with her were almost painfully so. Hovering just out of reach or brushing too close as they passed each other. It made him want to smile, after, because it proved that she was as much of a nerd as he was, as inexperienced with this feeling that had started with distaste and evolved into affection.
He knew she didn't grow to care for him as quickly as he had done for her, but all that mattered to him was that she did care, in the end.
And he believed she still did, even as he watched her walk away from the funeral with his heart stuck somewhere in the pit of his stomach. She'd told him she didn't love him, only a few days before. She said she never had. But in that same breath she'd said she never loved any of them, and that more than anything convinced him that she was lying. She had been trying to push him away, because he'd almost gotten through to her.
And now she was pushing them away again, though it hurt a lot less this time.
"Should we go after her?" he asked. "I know she's pushing us away, but -." But we should push back, he finished silently. He knew what happened when you pushed everyone away. If they didn't fight for you, if they let you go long enough, you convinced yourself they really didn't need you around, like you'd feared. That they didn't want you around. He'd been there. He wasn't about to let Caitlin push herself away from everything she loved.
"Let her go." Cisco said. His voice sounded rougher than usual, so Julian didn't say anything else to him. It was already a hard enough day. He could press Cisco about how important it was to go after her later.
He stayed in that spot after Barry and Cisco walked back to the others, staring at the cure in his hands. Was this the reason she was leaving? Because he'd said he could fix her instead of accepting her? He wasn't sure. He'd only worked so hard on the damn thing because he'd hated seeing her lose confidence in herself whenever she almost lost control, seeing the fear in her eyes when she realized how close she had come to going over the edge. He'd worked on it so she could trust herself again, really become herself again. It was the real reason she'd brought him onto the team, so he could work on a cure.
He loosened his grip, aware that if he put much more pressure on it the vial would break, and slipped it into his breast pocket. He doubted she would use it now, but he would keep it safe for her, if she ever came looking for it.
"I'm not giving up." He said, looking in the direction she had travelled.
He loved her too much to let her wander alone in that darkness he knew so well.
He waited a few days after the funeral before reaching out to her. Calling her and leaving a message.
"Caitlin, it's Julian. Please pick up. I just want to know you're safe."
And again, a few days later after a static silence.
"Caitlin, please. Answer the phone."
Finally, over a week later he couldn't stand it. The team was in shambles with Caitlin gone and Barry in the Speed Force, and Julian was ready to take matters into his own hands. He walked out of the dejectedly silent cortex and drove to Caitlin's apartment, rapping smartly on the door.
After waiting a minute and knocking again, he heard nothing. With no sign of anyone being home he sighed, turning to walk away. But he had to try one more time. So he knocked a little harder, a little louder, just to make sure.
And to his relief, the door opened.
He started taking her in the moment he saw her: the color in her cheeks, the warm brown of her eyes as they looked at him in light shock. Her hair seemed darker, though only by a shade.
"Caitlin." He breathed, smiling widely.
"Julian, what are you doing here?" she asked, still standing in the doorway. "I told you I need time."
"I have to at least make sure you're alright." He said.
"I'm fine."
Her expression was guarded, and he longed to know why she was keeping herself shut away. The danger was past.
"You don't have to push us away." He said, getting right to the point. "Let me help you, even if you don't come back to the lab."
Something flashed in her eyes, something that vanished so quickly he honestly couldn't tell what it was. "I need to figure this out on my own. How can I find out who I am if I just pretend everything's back to normal?"
"Caitlin, we're not pretending a damn thing!" he stepped closer to her, though she was still using the door as a kind of shield. "Nothing is the same as you left it!" he sighed. "You have to know that I want to help you."
Her eyes softened. "Julian, of course I know -."
"Then let me!" he insisted.
He could see her resolve weakening, and after meeting his gaze for a few seconds she backed up and opened the door fully, letting him in. He rushed in before she could change her mind and turned to face her. "So what have you been doing?"
She closed the door. "Looking for a job. I forgot how hard it can be to get reasonable hours."
"You have a job waiting for you with perfectly reasonable hours."
He saw that something in her eyes again, that indistinct something. But he had been expecting it this time, and he thought it might be pain. "I don't want to talk about that. If you're just going to try to convince me to come back, you can leave."
Her tone was definitely cooler, and he took it as confirmation that the flash of something was related to pain: emotional pain. She was scared of going back there for some reason, maybe because she hadn't talked to everyone since Killer Frost took over. And her first instinct was to push him away so she could deal with it on her own.
That was the last thing he wanted, so he held up a hand in a peace gesture. "We don't need to talk about anything."
At this she looked at him more closely, confused. "You don't want to talk?"
He gave a disbelieving laugh. "I'm just thrilled to see you. I've missed you. We can do whatever the hell you want."
Her expression softened again and she smiled at him. Smiled like she hadn't in so long, like Caitlin. "Let me get you a drink."
He accepted a beer from her and raised it in the air. "Cheers." He said.
She sort of smiled in amusement and touched her bottle to his.
"So you really just wanted to check on me?" she asked.
"I care about you." he said simply. Part of that meant knowing she was safe.
She touched his hand, and he was encouraged by how warm it was. And how intimate it seemed. "You're not going to let me shut you out, are you?"
"Nope."
She laughed. "It is nice to see you, Julian. I've missed you."
He smiled, though he didn't know if she meant the team as a whole or himself, or both.
He didn't really care.
Julian went to see her almost every day after that. Sometimes just for a few minutes, sometimes for a few hours. Sometimes the hours were so odd that she feared his knocking would disturb her neighbors. So she left a key out for him, to let himself in.
One of her conditions was that he not tell the others he was in contact with her. He hadn't told a soul.
If he brought up Star Labs, beyond a passing comment about how Cisco was, she shut down and kicked him out.
She mentioned her powers maybe twice, really showing him how disturbed she was by not knowing herself. He tried to help her talk through it, but they changed topic fairly quickly. He didn't want to press her, so he let it drop without comment.
Mostly he just let her talk to him, venting her feelings about a frustrating day or discussing the newest discovery in biochemistry that she'd read about. She seemed to really come to life when they were engrossed in a conversation, as normal as he'd ever seen her. And as wonderful. She would tease him when he told her about a bad social encounter he'd had, and laugh at his not so funny jokes. One time she fell asleep next to him on the couch, and he got to cover her with a blanket and brush her hair back before leaving. And then, soon after, she kissed him, just before he left one night. They were standing there, tension all around, and he'd thought about kissing her. To his great surprise, she had beat him to it, kissing him before he'd even started to move. She'd smiled at him after, before she seemed to realize exactly what she'd done. The second she'd realized it she practically shoved him out the door, but he'd smiled like an idiot until he got home.
She still cared about him.
That had been the last time he visited, about two days ago. He'd been absolutely swamped with paperwork the last two nights, unable to visit her. Though he'd desperately wanted to. So he was especially anxious to see her as he walked to her apartment, picking up the key meant for him and unlocking the door.
"Cait, I'm here!" he called as he walked in. He stopped in the entryway though. The lights were off. "Are you asleep?" he asked in a quieter voice. He flipped the light switch and the wall lamp turned on, illuminating the room.
It was different.
The furniture was still there, but he knew that something was wrong. He walked to the living room and then checked the bedroom and bathroom. No sign of Caitlin's clothes or jewelry. More importantly, no sign of Caitlin. He walked around the apartment a few more times, wondering if something horrible had happened, but everything looked neat. It was on his third or fourth pass around that he saw a piece of paper on the counter, weighted down. He rushed over and picked it up, recognizing Caitlin's neat lettering.
"Julian,
I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.
This last month has been wonderful, but it was selfish of me to keep seeing you when I don't know how much control I have. Every day I wake up not knowing if I'll do something horrible. If I'll act like her again. Talking with you made me feel like myself, but I can't put you in danger like that. What if next time I go to kiss you, it's not me that does it? What if it's more her?
I'd rather hurt you like this, as Caitlin, than as Killer Frost, or whatever variant of the two I could become. I'd rather leave you where I know you're safe. Even if I have to hurt you to keep you that way.
Please try to forgive me, Julian. I hate leaving you again, but I don't have another choice. I need to figure this out away from anyone I could possibly hurt. Any more than I have already.
Yours,
Caitlin"
He read it once without taking any of it in. Then he started to understand, a hollow feeling spreading in his chest. She had left completely voluntarily. To get away from him.
Here he'd thought she was almost ready to consider coming back to the lab. That their kiss meant they had a chance at a real relationship!
I hate leaving you again, but I don't have another choice.
"But you did have another choice." He whispered, gazing, lost, at the paper. "You could have let me help you."
The flowers he had brought her dropped to the floor.
He didn't bother picking them up.
Months passed.
Gradually, he began to move on from that night when he'd had his heart broken. Not fully. He didn't think that would ever happen. He still loved Caitlin too much.
But he moved past the pain.
He kept the cure in his desk at the lab, next to the broken pieces of the locket she used to wear to restrain her powers and the letter she'd left him. He was seriously considering leaving Star Lab. The team was back to crime-fighting, though without Barry it took a bit longer to succeed. He'd been acting as medic for them, but they could find someone else.
But he wanted to try to get Barry back before he made his decision. Cisco had an idea he wanted to try, and Julian had to help if he could.
"Hey, grab that for me?" Cisco asked one afternoon. He was pointing at an instrument drawn on a blueprint page. Julian recognized it as a gadget Cisco had made the day before.
"Isn't it upstairs?" Julian asked.
"Yeah, that's why I want you to get it. I'm busy building here."
"Busy bossing." Julian muttered as he went to retrieve the instrument. But he was in good humor. Cisco was on to something this time, he knew it.
Julian grabbed the instrument from the cortex and started to walk back downstairs when he realized someone was standing in the doorway. He looked quickly.
Caitlin.
Caitlin, with brown hair and brown eyes, standing quite nervously in the doorway and looking at him with uncertainty. "Hi." She said softly.
"Are you really here?"
She swallowed, meeting his eyes. "I thought it was time to come home."
He was staring at her, taking her in. He expected to feel a wave of hurt at the sight of her, but now, seeing her like this… looking like her old self… confident, kind. Together. He felt his heart start beating hopefully in his chest. She had said she wanted to come home. While looking warmly at his eyes.
Maybe he would stick around, put every thought into staying here before he made any big decisions.
"I'm sorry about how I left."
"Don't even think on it." He said. His voice was more emotional than he'd intended, and he cleared his throat to strengthen it. "Point is you're back now. Yeah?"
She nodded, smiling with her lips pursed tight like she was fighting crying. "Yeah," she said, "I'm back."
He couldn't look away from her. Everything felt… brighter now. Cisco was close to getting Barry back. Caitlin was here, really here, fully herself. He didn't have to fight anymore to make her stay or talk to him.
"Let's go see the others, shall we?" he asked, holding out his hand. An olive branch. He wasn't upset anymore. Actually, he was more hopeful than he'd been in a long time. Especially when she took his hand. He couldn't hide his trace of a smile. "We've got some things to catch you up on."