Title: In My Mind
Summary: Sometimes only you can make you see what you need. Cute fluff in a totally new style.
Authors Note: Ooookay, this is some fluff for fluff's sake, and I've never done a one-shot before but I'm such a flake maybe it'll be my calling. I've also never seen it read or written any fics in this style before so I figured I'd give it a shot, see how it works. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: Not dignifying this with an answer.
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If he doesn't find something to do in the next 5 minutes I swear to god I am going to grab his phone and throw it. Ha, man, imagine if it hit Espo in the head. That would be worth the gruff I'd get, I might actually have to do that later.
– Okay seriously. How am I expected to get anything done while he is making so much noise. What the hell is he even doing that would require him to make those exacerbated little grunts. Oooh don't think that, oh great, now your mind is in the gutter. How about you sneak a peek and find out? – No the last time you did you locked eyes and ended up staring for so long your cheeks burned. Bad idea Kate, just go back to paper work.
Get it done.
-But really, what is it about his eyes! They're really nothing special…That's a lie and you know it. They're so blue, sometimes I swear to God it's like looking at a glacier in the Arctic Ocean. Wow, that's kind of pretty – maybe I should be the writer.
It doesn't have to do with the colour, it's the owner of the eyes that makes making eye contact a breathtaking endeavour. Something about the way he looks almost through me, through everything I am on the outside right into my core. I will definitely never say anything that cheesy out loud, but I really can't think of another way to describe it. I guess he just cares more than anyone else has. I can't remember a single other person in my whole life who was able to just strip me bare without words. Even Mom never could get that far, Oh don't go there. Not today when I have had such a good day.
I don't know how he does it – no, I know why he can. The only one I'm lying too here is me. Even now, in my own mind I don't want to think of why.
'Cause he loves me.
Damn.
I am not allowed to think that freely because it is not fair to him. Why am I so goddamned selfish! It is so utterly unfair that I am free to wake up to the knowledge that someone truly loves me, every part of me, even my damaged, stupid little heart – why, I'm not sure I'll ever really know – while he is stuck, forced to sit idly by, thinking I don't remember him telling me or
Oh god.
He doesn't think –
No, he must know –
He has to know that I love him back.
Right?
I've spent enough time the last few months staring at him like a love struck fool for him not to know. Speaking of, I need to get a hold of that, it's kind of embarrassing – though really if it's showing him the things that I am too weak to say I guess I can let them slide.
But back to my freak out, I haven't been too cryptic right, I mean, he knows when I said I needed my Mom's case to be closed to date I was talking about him right?
Oh I hope so. I would –
"Kate"
Oh shit have I been staring at the wall? I don't think I've written anything in like 5 minutes.
"You've been staring at the wall, and I don't think you've written anything for about 15 minutes"
Damn longer than I thought.
Oh Castle is talking to you, use your words Kate, "Uhm, yeah, no, sorry I was uh," Oh quite eloquent. One more time, "completely spaced out."
"hahaha" (Oh how adorable is his chuckle) "I have no problem with it, I have wasted many an afternoon in my own mind – though my 'Castle Time' usually ended up in a plot for a book…"
"Funny, I'd have thought you spent 'Castle Time' doing something entirely different."
What.
He is staring at me like I have two heads – what was that! Why would I say something so utterly sexual? Well it's far too late now to play it off like I did it to get a rouse- man, I am on fire today.
Ohh no, he is getting up to lean in close to do that thing where he out dirty's me – why today when his eyes are so blue and his hair is so mussed and all I want to do is kiss him until he knows that I do love him back.
"Well, who says I don't…and if your mind was where my mind usually is – ya mind sharing? Because you know I'd love to hear"
I need to say something. Why can't I say something funny or a shove off so he'll back away? He is just so close and I know he meant it as something dirty, but I want so badly to share where my mind was. With every fibre of my being I want to share with him that my mind was on the fact that I am so completely in love with him that it scares me into the point of hiding. But I open my mouth and all that happens is I close it. Oh god seriously! Are those tears stinging the back of my eyes? God I can be such a girl sometimes! I need to get out of here. He is too close and I can't breathe and I feel like the ceiling is getting closer. Is the ceiling getting closer? Bathroom. Oh I should say something about leaving so he doesn't worry. First I'll dry my face.
What the heck?
When did I get to the bathroom? When did I also splash water on my face? Why does my chest feel like I just ran a marathon or cried for a day – I didn't start to cry did I?-Mirror…mirror- Nope I am just having a mini panic attack? Ok Kate breathe. In. Out.
Okay it's working, I'm calming. I'm not thinking about the fact that he needs to know I love him.
Crap.
Go inside a stall and sort out your thoughts woman.
Man I'm bossy.
Okay, here are the facts. I can't tell him. I can't tell him that I love him because one does not simply tell their partner they love them and then act like it is nothing. Because that's what I'd want to do right? Stay the way we are?
I want that.
I don't believe myself.
Would I lie to me?
That's a stupid question; I've been doing it for 4 years.
But I don't want things to change, God that idea is frightening. It's the reason I haven't, the reason I've let the fact that I heard him remain trapped in here for the last 6 months. Change is scary and I'm so comfy here.
Dr. Burke would hit me. This is irrational behaviour, but change would be bad – right? Would it though? Would it really be so bad to have someone – not just anyone, Rick - to go home to? To allow those breathtaking looks we share last longer and not have to worry about if I'm sharing too much? What is stopping me, really?
Me.
That's it.
In years past I had the excuse of 'he's a playboy' or one of us wasn't single, but if he has shown me anything over the past year it's that he is here. To stay. For me. With me.
I should embrace the fact that he loves me, not cower away from it like the knowledge is a virus. It can't hurt me.
Only it is.
That is what's so wrong with this – this knowledge is hurting me, because I'm letting it.
I am the one who gets to decide what to do with it.
This man, this perfect, childish man with his ironic sense of seemingly eternal patience has given me the choice. Not that there is any choice - I choose him, I'll always choose him – to realize that I love him at my own pace and join him in this relationship when I'm ready.
Hold up.
Did I just say 'I'll always choose him'?
Did I also just jump up and clasp a hand to my mouth like a cliché chick flick protagonist trying to recapture the words I never said aloud?
I did.
My crazy neurotic brain made the choice for me while I was realizing that there was a choice to be made.
Well done brain.
I choose him.
I love him.
He loves me.
He needs to know. There is no point in hiding it, I mean now that I've admitted it to me there really is no going back.
Am I ready though?
Uck, I am so tired of that statement.
Screw 'being ready'.
If I spend my whole life waiting to be ready, ready will pass me by.
Did I just giggle out loud?
Oh lordy I am doomed.
-Doomed to a life with a man who makes me giggle. What a treacherous fate, however will I manage.
Oh crap I've been in this bathroom for far too long.
I need to go-
"Kate!"
Right into him, "Jeeze Castle were you leaning on the door?"
"I'm sorry, but you've been in there for like 15 minutes. I didn't mean for you to take my joke so seriously"
What joke? Ohh yeah I was in there a while, "Don't worry about it, I just had to clear my head"
He still doesn't look convinced, but I'm sure my teeth can be seen from the space station with the grin I'm spouting so he'll drop it.
His eyes don't seem completely sure but he can't help but mimic my grin, and he'll come around, I have a feeling.
Better idea, "Do you want to come over for dinner?"
He actually looks surprised, huh.
"uh, yeah definitely."
Good. "Good"
"That what you were thinking about in there?"
"More or less" I must still have the huge grin, but if his eyes are any indication there must be tenderness pouring out of somewhere on my face
"Well then, shall we?"
Yes Castle.
We shall.
Fin
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a/n: Soooooooo? What'd you think? This was not what I intended to write when I started but the idea took off and I thought the neurotic inner Beckett monologue would be fun. Hope you agreed!