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"It's not perfect here between us
Even angels have their demons
Trapped inside this twisted circle It ain't right but it's eternal"
One, two, three...
A paper turned into ashes...
Memory slowly turned into a flight of fancy...
I crumpled a photograph I found in my room. A photograph of me and the person that I loved — used to love — and one by one the feeling slowly faded away. His big arm attached to my shoulders, hugging me from his left side. His silly grin made him look younger, let's say about 2 years younger than he actually was. My head rested on his chest and I had never smiled that wide since a long time ago. Finn Hudson was the only person who could make me feel special day by day, but since we'd lost our path we never saw each other anymore. He told me to take a train to New York, but only God knew which destination he took after graduation.
I tried to phone him once or twice a day the first time I arrived in New York. He didn't answer. I called Mrs. Hudson-Hummel to know how was Finn doing, but she didn't tell me. Every time I asked about Finn's existence, it seemed like everyone was against me — even Kurt.
"Rachel,"
I was flipping through pages of Kurt Hummel's Vogue magazine collection when he walked out of his room, dragging along a pack of suitcase. He told me about a week ago that he was going to Lima to pay a visit for his dad before he could decide which way he would go to in New York. I wish I could help him to get into NYADA like I did, but the faith had spoken and I had no rights to change it somehow. We started freshman year together, ended senior year with one same dream; to get into the most prestigious dramatic arts school in New York — scratch that — in the United States.
I closed the magazine and put it away. I looked at Kurt for awhile, oh God his greenish eyes reflected the urge to tell his dad about his adventure so far in the City and some parts still reflected the sadness of leaving for a week. "I'm ready to go," he said "Is it okay if I leave you for awhile?" I got off the couch and ran to Kurt for a hug. We hugged, we always shared hugs in any form of expression — happy, sad, even the kind of indescribable feeling we had after watching one of Barbra Streisand's classic. I could tell this one was a happy hug — happy because Kurt got to reunite with Mr. Hummel after his dad sent him away to chase his dream. I could imagine both of them, including Mrs. Hudson-Hummel, were sitting in a living room, eating finger food or sipping teas while listening Kurt's story about how he walked on the Times Square or how his amazing fashion style invaded the streets of New York City. I wish I could imagine Finn was beside them, but another part of me refused to believe it that way, instead it gave me visions of Finn going nowhere in summer rain.
I was still hugging Kurt when I whispered in his ear slowly, "If you saw Finn, could you tell him that I miss him?" That was the only message for Finn that I could come up with. I wish it could be more than that, but my brain was too numb to utter something else. At least, getting the answer that I needed could make me feel better. Kurt took his hands off my back and grasped me by my shoulders. He just smiled, he didn't give me the certainty I was dying to get. The smile could mean anything; it was between "I'll tell him because he's in Lima, having a vacation before going back to Los Angeles, pursuing his acting career." Or "I don't think he will be there, sweetie, but let the destiny decide." I was confused, but I tried. I'd tried to get in touch with the love of my life and probably the world didn't want me to, but I still wanted to try to talk to him, meet him in person, touch his face, give him a kiss I'd been dying to land on his lips.
•••••
So, Kurt had gone to Lima. He took the morning train, so he could be there immediately. And I was inside my apartment, alone, conflicted and lost roads. I wish I could do something else, other than gathering old photographs and throw them to the fireplace. It wouldn't get better, it just got worse and worse. School had been rough for me too, especially when Cassandra July always had 1001 attempts to kick me down the stairs during her dancing class. I wish I had something that could get my mind off reality and just lived in the world I wanted to live in. I've always wanted to be on Broadway, acting and singing songs I had been listening to since I was 3, but suddenly all those crazy judgements and back stabbing always drew me a big brick wall between my dreams — and all I need was a big axe to smash and turn it to rocks and dust.
Burn it.
So, I did. I burned those pictures that I kept inside a glittering pink box. I burned the photo in which two lovebirds had a great time at the Six Flags, I burned the photo when we had our victory kiss after our Nationals winning, I burned pretty much everything. I still had the copy in Lima, though, but I didn't think I wanted to look at those photos — those past memories — in my future. I watched as those photos turned to brown and had no ability to maintain its original form, slowly turned to ashes. I could feel the fire burning in my eyes, that was my anger, that was the rage I couldn't let out, that was the feeling I had been holding because I was afraid people would see 'the sweet and adorable Rachel Berry' no more. I didn't want to hold it anymore.
Do you ever have one thing that always follows you no matter what and affects you in doing something out of your will? It's called the demons and my only demon is my conscience. It started right after I stepped onto New York. The depression and ambition demanded me to work everything perfectly. And when I didn't, I fell down. Hard. I stumbled and I cried. And to let everything go, I followed my conscience. The sadder I felt, the louder it got. It got louder and louder, as the crescendo marked in every note on my symphony of thoughts. And the sound won, so I had nothing to do but to follow it. But after I did, I always regretted it, and did it again, and regretted again.
I went to the kitchen. My legs didn't want to walk, but my brain told me so, and it had the control of my feet after all.
Take the knife.
So, I did. I took the knife. But to be honest, I didn't know what I'd do with my knife. I still wanted to live, though, I had a thousand years to face. My soul was eternity and I still had many things that I hadn't explored.
I closed my eyes, slowly I sliced the tip of the knife on my wrist as if I sliced my problems away. It felt good, it felt like I had the freedom in my hands. As I kept cutting myself, I could feel blood bursting out of the scars. Tears streamed down my face, I wish I could stop but the Voice had the control of me.
Let everything go, let your problems faded away and you'll be alright.
It wasn't alright. Nothing was alright. I cried every time Kurt grabbed my wrists full of cuts and bruises and wounds and I knelt down because I couldn't explain it to him. I knew he was my best friend, but I had no ability to tell him what I suffered.
I regretted my attempt faster than I ever did. And when it ended, I cried until I slept — even on the kitchen floor.
•••••
It was Saturday, a day after Kurt went to Lima. I still felt the pain on my wrists, but I shook it off. Since I had nothing to do today, I thought maybe I could explore a little glimpse of New York by walking on Central Park. Loneliness was never the problem when I stood at the park, I was obviously surrounded by thousands of people. I could feel the wind breeze flew my hair and almost took my beret away. I closed my eyes and felt the peace I never got. I could feel the tranquility rushing through my veins. And when I opened those eyes, I could see children running along on my sides, as if they were angels playing on paradise. I should've felt this way since a long time ago, but I never guts to experience one. Then, I continued my way through the park.
I saw a group of orchestra playing at the park. They serenaded every romantic couple that passed them, making sure it was the best day those couples ever had. If I could take Finn here, he would be so happy that we'd kiss under the rain while having the orchestra playing our ballad song.
When the orchestra played "Faithfully", I almost died of a heart attack. It was the duet Finn and I had in Regionals back in '10. The song was included in our Journey medley, which led us to the third place. It was a shame, since we had to repeat the competition all over again, but one of the most unforgettable moment we had before singing that ballad was the time when we had our little conversation.
"Break a leg."
"I love you."
Those three words he said, recreating that moment in my head always gave me chills. I wish it could last forever, but we got to move on and continue life.
Thank God the Voice didn't come this morning, or else I'd go maniac in a public place, which could lead me to jail or a mental institution. But what I saw right before the end of the symphony was even more surprising than the song itself. It was far beyond my imagination and common sense. I thought it was a dream, but the pain on my feet gave me a taste of reality.
He was there...
By the end of Bow Bridge, wearing the tux and holding a bouquet...
Then, I remembered the smile Kurt gave me — and I thought he planned all of this — was meant to be, I don't think he will be there, sweetie, but the destiny has decided that he'll be here with you...
•••••