Ron wakes up because there are strange noises coming from the bed next to him. Checking his watch, he realizes that it is only two in the bloody morning, and Harry is up.
"Harry?" he says groggily. The strange noises promptly stop.
Weird, Ron thinks, then tries to go back to sleep. The strange noises begin again.
"Harry?" Ron says, loud enough to wake Neville. The strange noises stop again.
"Ron, what's happening?" Neville whispers, lighting a lamp.
"Honestly, no idea," Ron replies. He gets out of his bed as the strange noises start again.
He goes to the other side of the room and starts to shake Dean and Seamus awake.
"Mate," Dean says, glaring at Ron through bleary eyes. "I know you fancy me, but jumping on me in bed is just not the way to get into my pants."
Ron wordlessly points at Harry's bed, which has the hangings drawn all the way round it. Strange Noises, as Ron is beginning to think of them as proper nouns now, are still emitting from behind the curtains.
"Oh," Dean replies, his eyes wide. "Oh, my."
"Isn't it obvious?" Seamus yawns. "Harry's got someone there with him."
Ron sits down hard on the floor. Now that he really stops and listens, the Strange Noises really do sound like… Merlin, was that a moan? Neville's eyebrows practically disappear into his hair.
"Who do you think he's got in there?" Dean whispers excitedly.
"Hermione," Neville and Seamus say at the same time. Ron manages to glare at them both while he blushes bright red.
"Nah, mate," Dean whispers so quietly that they all move to sit on his bed.
"What – do you think it's a guy?" Ron snorts. Just as the words die on his lips, there is a groan that is definitely not Harry, but is unmistakably male.
The four boys look at each other.
"He never said," Ron whispers.
"Well, why would he want to be known as the Boy Who Flops His Wrist?" Seamus says, suppressing another yawn.
"The Boy Who Bottoms," Dean smirks.
"How do you know if he tops or bottoms?" Ron whispers fiercely, before realizing that it sounds like he knows personally.
Neville just looks scared.
"Well, who do you reckon it is, then?" Seamus whispers.
"Oliver Wood," Ron says immediately. When the three boys look at him weirdly, he says, "What? You must admit, he has got a fine piece of ass on him."
"Thank you, Ron," Dean says in a strangled voice. "Thank you for that wonderful observation."
"I'd do him," Neville adds quietly. "If I were gay, I would, anyway."
"NO VISUALS OF OLIVER AND NEVILLE!" Seamus yells, and Dean claps a hand over his mouth.
However, the Strange Noises haven't seemed to slow at all. If anything, they are becoming more frequent and louder.
"I think it's Colin Creepy in there," Seamus whispers. "You know he's been wanting to do Harry since second year."
"Um, gross," Ron says, shaking his head to clear the mental images.
"What and the very thought of Oliver and Harry together isn't gross?" Dean reminds him, just as two voices cry out in unison. There is loud panting now coming from Harry's bed.
"Well, whoever it is," Ron says, as Neville falls onto the floor, horror-struck. "We know they're good."
The panting stops.
"I reckon it's Blaise Zabini," Dean whispers. "I heard he was gay."
"Um, I can hear you," Harry's voice says loudly. The three boys turn to see Harry pushing his glasses up his nose, face flushed and red flannel pajama pants on backwards, as if he put them on in a rush. He leans against the bed-post and says, "So, Blaise Zabini, hey?"
"I'm not Blaise," a voice says from the bed, and it sounds oddly familiar. "I'm not Creevey, or Granger, or Wood, either."
"Who are you then?" Ron says. Neville gets up off the floor and settles himself on Dean's bed as if nothing unusual has happened; as if Harry isn't standing in front of them, shirtless and freshly shagged, with his lover hiding behind red velvet curtains.
A familiar pale-blond head pokes itself out of Harry's curtains. Ron screams, and Neville faints. Dean and Seamus just stare, far too shocked to utter a word.
"Hey, Draco," Harry grins. Draco scowls back at him.
"Come back to bed, Harry," he pouts.
"Not a word," Harry whispers to his stunned room-mates as he climbs back into bed. Ron nods slowly.
Then, to everyone's horror, the Strange Noises start again.