AN: Long into chapter is long. AUs take a lot of setting up! Told in Katara's POV.
When I was only eight years old, my mother was murdered.
I saw things children should never see.
You should never see your mother's throat cut, her life blood gently pumping out onto the trampled snow floor of our hut. Or the way her eyes aren't quite sightless with death yet, and you're the last thing she sees before she is gone forever. Screams of anguish that no child should know were trapped in my chest for years and years without being satisfied.
When I was only nine years old, the Fire Nation stopped their quest for world domination.
My entire village hadn't actually known until months later when the prisoners of war came home to us. Most of them were too old for me to know or to really take interest in, and the war was such a vague thing to me. All I knew of war is that it had taken my mother from me before I had the chance to blink.
When I was only ten years old, Fire Lord Iroh came to power.
He had already succeeded his father, Azulon, upon his death. The untimely heart attack had turned the great Dragon's head homeward from his siege at Ba Sing Se. And while he wasn't looking, his son very nearly slipped from his earthly grasp.
Devastated by the near loss of his only child, Fire Lord Iroh retreated from the Earth Kingdom and from the war. While the Fire Nation troops withdrew over the course of a year, he became enlightened in the Spirit World.
When I was only eleven years old, the Fire Lord and his son visited my village.
My dad and Lu Ten's dad talked a long time while we waited in my home. He was so mature and cool at twenty one, but we had little to say to each other. We came from different worlds and with ten years between us, there was little overlap of interest. We were sitting quietly at the table when they came back for us. I remember my dad's face looked strained. It wasn't until they had gone that he told me what the grownups had decided.
I was going to marry the prince when I was older. That didn't seem too bad, because who doesn't want to marry a prince and live in a palace. It was the second part when he said it, the part where I had to leave everything I ever knew.
Eleven isn't too old to cry on your dad's shoulder or let your snot soak into his tunic while you sobbed. But eleven isn't too young to enter your daughter into a marriage pact to ensure political stability. I wanted to feel betrayed down to my marrow, but it was all explained so matter-of-factly, how could I do anything against it? This was a strong current I couldn't swim against, and I'd just have to be content with it sweeping me to unknown lands.
When I was only twelve years old, my father bundled our little family on a Fire Nation steam ship for the first time.
In my mind I can still see the beautiful, pure white of the far away snow and the ice floes that soon replaced the shrinking land mass. I asked my father what the Fire Nation will be like, how much snow they had. I was appalled to learn there's no snow ever and it's hot all the time. How did other people live without the cold, the ice?
When we arrived it is so hot that I had to shed my parka. Dad and Sokka had done so a long time ago, but I clung stubbornly to it until the end. Everyone was dressed in reds and golds and pinks and blacks. My little family of three stood out like a sore thumb with our blues.
We were received by the Fire Lord and his son, who still makes me blush since he's supposed to be my future husband. I couldn't look him in the eye.
Our stay was short, only a week and a half. I was grateful to leave when the time came. I hated this foreign, scary place full of strange people. Take for instance Azula. We were of the same age but she talked about hurting people and laughed about it. Her friends, Ty Lee and Mai, weren't so bad, only they're two opposite ends of the spectrum and that's pretty weird too. But the person I couldn't stand at all was Zuko.
First of all, he was too nice. That's suspicious in a Fire Nationer, because everyone knows they have at least a fourth of evil in their body. Except for the Fire Lord, who used to give me sweets when my dad wasn't looking.
Second, he was immediate friends with Sokka. How was that not a red flag? When I wanted to play with Sokka instead of creepy Azula, he told me he and Zuko were talking about important stuff and I couldn't play with them. Stupid Zuko had stolen my brother away from me.
Third, he always used to shut up or leave with excuses when I tried to talk to him. At the time I thought Fire Nationers were just flat out weird. Maybe he wasn't nice, maybe he was just "polite" in the place of no snow. Ever.
I was glad to leave, but I knew we'd be back. I hoped that next time would be better.
When I was only thirteen years old, we visited the palace of the Fire Lord again.
This time I felt more confident in myself. I was another year older and another year wiser. And I was determined not to let stupid Zuko get in the way of my good time.
I'd saved up all of my infatuation for Prince Lu Ten, and he's certainly crush-worthy, but those stylized sideburns still remind me of his father. In fact, he laughed when I told him so. At twenty three he was even more awe inspiring than at twenty one.
We spent much more time together and he was very patient with my young foolishness. It's still hard to think of us as a couple in the romantic sense when I mostly feel he is like another older brother.
"Prince Lu Ten," I began one day while we strolled through the gardens.
"Please," be said, "call me Lu Ten."
"Lu Ten," I tried again. Dropping the formalities still makes me feel like a part of the inner circle. "Are we really to be married?"
He didn't stop but I heard his step hiccup on the gravel of the path. He kept his composure as we continued arm in arm.
"I believe one day, my Lady," he said quietly. I nodded my head because he only confirmed what I already knew.
"Please, call me Katara," I said in an imitation of him. It breaks whatever seriousness had come over him and he smiled. My heart sinks a little as we mindlessly chatted, about the weather or whatever, because I realized he didn't want to be stuck with a kid like me. He probably had someone he loved that he'd much rather marry and it's this that continues to make me unhappy.
I went to my secret place, a small alcove in a lonely hallway, and I contemplated how we both were missing out on true love. I knew I could grow to like him, he was very kind to me. He would be a worthy ruler one day. But true love is very important when you're thirteen, so I sobbed quietly for our tragically true-loveless futures.
"Who's there?" I guess my crying hadn't been as soft as I thought. I didn't say anything in hopes they'd go away. Instead, I saw Zuko peering back at me. Of all the rotten luck, I thought to myself.
"What do you want," I sniffed, swiping at the tears on my cheek.
"Why are you crying?" He had asked, crouching down to bring our faces level.
"I'm not crying." We both knew it was pretty obvious that I was lying, but he hadn't called me out on it.
"Well, what are you doing here?" I scowled at him. I expected him to leave when it was obvious there wasn't anything to worry himself with, but he hadn't budged a bit.
"It's my secret place," I muttered reluctantly. "Not much of a secret now."
"I live here, there aren't many places that are secrets to me," he pointed out helpfully.
"Is it weird to live in such a big place?"
"You mean you don't live in a palace?" He asked, his eyes widening. "How can you be a princess and not live in a palace?"
"But I'm not a princess," I protested.
"You must be, if your dad's in charge." I considered this point but shook my head all the same. The only person who ever called me a princess was Sokka, but he was just making fun of me.
"No one's ever called me a princess."
"My uncle does. And my cousin. And me, I guess."
"Your cousin calls me a princess?" I asked, and I knew I seemed all starry eyed. He barked a laugh and I asked him what was so funny.
"You, you just went from crying about something to falling in love!"
"I'm not in love with him," I blustered. It's totally a coincidence that my face grew hot. "I'm only thirteen!"
"The legal marrying age here is fifteen, or maybe sixteen," he said, scrunching up his nose in thought. "So you're only a couple of years away from the wedding
"Does everyone know about that?" The groan was audible in my voice.
"It's a pretty big deal, yeah," he nodded. "I think everyone in the world knows."
I groan again and hid my head in my hands. It felt weird knowing I was famous on a worldwide scale.
"Don't you want to marry Lu Ten?" He asked curiously.
"I guess I don't mind, but what about our true loves?"
"True love isn't real," he scoffed immediately. I hated him all over again.
"Take that back!" I gasped, smacking his knee for good measure.
"Ow!" He whined, but I think he was mostly just surprised. He jerked backward when I lashed out and plopped onto his butt. "I won't take it back because it's true."
"Who died and made you the love expert?" I stuck my tongue out at him to emphasize I believe he was not, in fact, an expert.
"I'm fifteen so it automatically makes me an expert," he boasted, as well as anyone can while sitting cross-legged on the floor.
"I bet you've never even kissed a girl," I challenged right back. Because honestly, who would even kiss that liar.
"I have too! I kissed Mai on the cheek," he insisted, giving the evidence before it was asked. Maybe he was capable of learning after all, I thought, but I wouldn't let him off the hook that easy.
"Cheek doesn't count. Gotta be the lips." He tried to weasel his way out of that one but I was stubborn in my criteria.
"Well, you're just a kid. You can't judge me," he said after he had enough. I could tell he was getting angry and he even stood up to leave. He hesitated a moment, like I should've begged him to sit back down and take back what I said. But I didn't, and he walked away in a huff.
"I can do whatever I want," I called after him. "I'm a princess!"
When I was only fourteen years old, Lu Ten officially proposed to me.
I tried to be excited but I felt as if I hardly knew him, my husband to be. All of our talk was superficial and not interesting in the least. How could I know a person when the conversations never went more than skin deep?
In the Fire Nation, everything is ritualized. Including the exchange of gold rings, which symbolize our engagement to each other. It was followed by an exchange of gifts between the families, which was in turn followed by a meal. In this case, it happened to be lunch.
I had not seen Zuko for a year and Azula for longer. This was the first time I had seen their father, the Fire Lord's brother, Lord Ozai, and their mother, Lady Ursa. It was clear even then that their family dynamic was bad, to say the least. Zuko obviously took after his mother, and no doubt Azula was a mini-Ozai.
Lord Ozai made blithe comments about the Water Tribe as a whole, snide remarks sprinkled in his dialogue whenever he opened his mouth. I could feel my father slowly losing his patience with the man until Iroh intervened, suggesting that his brother would be more content elsewhere. He left, stalking out of the room on stiff legs and the tense mood settled.
I glanced up at Zuko and decided that sixteen suited him much better than fifteen. Our eyes meet and I wondered if he thought the same of me. He looked away so quickly I have to question if I had imagined it but no, he kept stealing those glances at me. I smiled into my soup and speculated his thoughts.
Late that night I snuck out of my quarters and visited my alcove to think. I could've thought just as easily in my room, I knew, but something about the familiarity of that small hidden place made me think of home.
I sat and thought about the future, guessing what will be expected of me. I've already learned basic Fire Nation etiquette, but I suspected I'd need training in court life and what my position entailed. Having babies and raising them is the main goal I assumed. Our children would be an unbreakable covenant between my home and the Fire Nation. I let out an exasperated sigh, hating to be a pawn in the game of nations. Apparently that was some sort of cue for my late night stalker.
"Katara?" The voice was reticent, asking me to confirm my identity. I tried to peer into the blackness but all I saw was more shadows. I thought to match the voice…
"Zuko?" I didn't bother to hide my surprise very well. I'm sure it was all over my face if there had been any light to see by. As soon as I think it there was a flame in his palm, making my eyes water at the sudden brightness.
"Sorry," he said, dimming the fire. In this half light the shadows made him mysteriously handsome.
"How did you know I'd be here?"
"I was going to get some water and I saw you come out of your room. Had to make sure you weren't making mischief," he shrugged, as if it only made sense and I was too stupid to see it.
"That's called stalking, y'know," I pointed out, but he called it national security. I thought he'd gone to the side of his father then, but I could see by that lopsided smile that he was joking. An easy silence hung between us for a heartbeat.
"I'm glad you're back. I missed you...'re brother, he's a pretty fun guy."
"You missed me?" I teased. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not, but we had set up a writing correspondence before my departure last year. "Those letters aren't enough for such good old chums?"
"I didn't say I missed you," well, not directly. "But since you asked..." He grinned, the fire in his hand growing a little brighter. Zuko was becoming a true friend in this world of near strangers, a valuable asset.
"Do you remember what we talked about last time, right here?" I wanted that to be more of an inner dialogue but the tongue is prone to slipping my thoughts, especially when I want them quiet.
"More like we fought about it."
"You're the one who got touchy about it!" I gasped. As if he could pin it all on me, the nerve!
"I still haven't done it yet," he said after we're through laughing at our slightly younger selves.
"Hm?" I'd forgotten momentarily what we were talking about. He looked so intense, those eyes of his were perfect for searing into your brain. "Hey, cut out the fire, it's getting too bright again."
"Sorry." We were enveloped in the darkness as in the beginning.
"And what about Mai? I thought you two had a thing?" Now we returned to the topic in question. It had been hard to concentrate with that brightness.
"That was a while ago. I don't think she's really interested."
"You'll never know until you try." I was still blinking rapidly to dispel the ghosts of light from my eyes. He fell silent and I thought I hit a nerve. "If it makes you feel better, I've never kissed anyone. Not even on the cheek." At this point I finally began to see his silhouette.
"Lu Ten?" He didn't need to say more than that before I understood his question. I shook my head until I remembered that he couldn't see me, so I answered aloud. He was silent again for so long I thought he'd either fallen asleep or left.
I can still feel his searching fingers find my shoulder in the darkness, like tendrils of climbing vines. So soft and curious they were as his hand skittered up my neck to my face. His hands were so warm but my cheeks were steadily catching up, and not from his hand.
"Katara," he whispered hoarsely into the dark. The memory still gives me goosebumps. "Can I kiss you?"
My heart was racing, thrumming so hard everyone in a two mile radius must have thought there was an earthquake. I felt his breath ghost over my skin and it made me shiver. Even then I knew that is what first kisses should be like, the excitement and the knowing, so I whispered,
"Yes."
In a different light, we would've been shy. Maybe he wouldn't have asked at all, if it wasn't for the darkness to hide us from each other. I felt his shaky thumb stroke my cheek and I was glad that we were both nervous.
Our noses bumped and posed as an awkward problem, making us both laugh nervously. With enough attempts our lips found one another. It was short and there were no fireworks, but the inside of my head buzzed like a thousand hornets.
"I shouldn't have done that," I heard him say distantly. I wondered what he meant, but he explained. "This isn't right. You're engaged to my cousin..."
"No." Somehow I knew what we did was a little wrong, but it was just a kiss. "It's just a kiss. We were just getting our firsts under our belts." When I echoed my thoughts to him he seemed to buy into it.
"Right. No big deal," he replied, finding my hand and squeezing it. Was it supposed to reassure me? "Well, I should really head back. You want an escort?"
"I'd like to stay a little longer, if you don't mind." I had plenty more to think about than before. His hand lingered before slipping out of my grasp and I heard his soft steps echoing off the stone walls, each more faint than the last. Only when I heard complete silence did I touch my own lips, wondering.
It was just a kiss. It was.
When I was only fifteen, I said goodbye to my home for the last time.
All of my scant possessions (my mother's necklace, my favorite parka, the tons of letters from Zuko) are packed in a small trunk. It's funny when you look at all of your worldly possessions in one place. Am I so small, is my life so small? I was told my clothes wouldn't be needed, no doubt I'd have an elaborate wardrobe full of silks waiting for me.
I told my father and brother to go ahead of me one we docked, explaining that I needed to freshen up after being on the ship for so long. I splashed some water on my face and ran a comb through my hair, taking care to braid it back again. I gave myself a long, hard look in the mirror. I'm going to be a true princess someday soon, I try to remind myself, but I just can't see it. Even if I wore the crown I probably couldn't see it.
You'd think I'd know my way around by now, the few times I've been here. Somehow I've managed to take a wrong turn or not taken a turn when I should've. Desperation made me want to sit down and give up, but I heard someone coming out of a room ahead.
"Hello, I'm...how is it that I always run into you?" Because when I saw who it was, my heart skipped erratically, beating a foreign but familiar tune. How many times had I felt that rhythm when the mail came in?
"Must be fate," he grins, opening his arms wide and I all but leapt into the embrace. Zuko smells like home in this place that I'm slow to love. Not home like the smell of frigid wind or seal jerky, but home like the spices in the stew and the smoke from the fire. Home like a friend's comfort in a time of need.
"As you can see, I'm a little lost," I said, pulling back from him. "I'm trying to find my way to your uncle."
"More like extremely lost," he chuckled. "This is the part of the palace where my family lives. That's my room," he explained, gesturing at the door he came from. "You're nearly on the opposite side of the palace."
"Whoops," I grinned sheepishly, shrugging my shoulders. "Can you lead me?"
"I suppose I can. It's not like I wasn't about to go to sparring practice," he rolled his eyes with a smile. "Come on, it won't take long."
We filled each other in on what had happened between the last letters and the present, which wasn't a whole lot. The silence afterwards was easy and I fiddled with the ring on my finger, a habit of mine now, and it made me think.
"Zuko," I said, breaking the quiet. "Why aren't you married yet?" His brow shot up his forehead so fast it might have stretched his skin.
"I'm sure I will be eventually, but Uncle feels bad about making Lu Ten marry for politics. No offense," he added quickly. "But he wants Azula and I to marry who we wish."
"I don't think Azula would ever get married," I can't help saying, and we both have a laugh at her expense. "Do you think you'll marry Mai?"
"She's not like when we were kids. I don't know," he said, shaking his head.
"I'm sure true love will find you," I replied, trying to keep the wistful sigh out of my voice.
"I don't believe in that, remember?"
"Oh right, that's for kids isn't it?" I stuck my tongue out at him. I didn't care if I was still young, I believed there was truly someone for everyone. Even Azula.
"There are a lot of people in the world, how am I supposed to find my one and only?" His sarcasm hadn't put me off, it's only a repeat of some older conversations.
"Fate," I sung with a wink.
"You're so full of it," he sighed, stopping at a door a few paces later. "Get in there, I'm sure they've been waiting forever."
"I'll talk to you later," I promised, and I could feel his eyes on me until I slipped into the room. Iroh gave me a hearty welcome and I explained my tardiness with embarrassment.
I spent the rest of the week with my dad and Sokka. I knew I could visit whenever I wanted, but it felt like I'd never see them again.
On their last day I sat on my father's bed, my feet brushing the ground as I swung my feet. It's my last chance to ask him a question I've never asked this whole time.
"Dad, why do I have to to marry the prince? I know it unites our nations," I added before he could misunderstand my question. "But why me?" He paused his packing and took a seat beside me.
"People in a position of power are seen in a different light. Since I'm the chief of the tribe, that puts me at the top. And it puts you," he said, poking my belly like he used to when I was small. "In a position of power too. If the Fire Lord had a daughter instead, you can be sure Sokka would be the one getting married."
"He's too dumb to be married," I laughed. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recalled having a similar conversation about Azula. My dad gave me one of those kind smiles, like he was remembering something about my childhood. "Why can't he marry Azula?"
"Well it might sound a little silly to you, but a marriage to tie our nation's governments together is strongest when it's between the children of the direct leaders. If Ozai was Fire Lord," he grimaced. "You'd probably marry Zuko, or Sokka would marry Azula. As it stands now, it would be an insult to offer a marriage lower than your position demands."
"But I'm not—"
"Not a princess, but they love their social hierarchies here. It makes them feel better if we just play along." He smiled at me like we were sharing a secret, rubbing circles on my back. It makes me feel better. A little. "I'm sorry this has to happen to you, Katara."
I am too, but I kept it to myself. I wanted these last few memories to be good ones. Instead, I reached around and hugged him fiercely. I wished he wouldn't go, I wished a marriage contract wasn't needed to strengthen the peace. I wished my dad wasn't chief, so someone else's daughter could marry into the Fire Nation royalty.
It felt like they're gone too soon, the ship a speck on the horizon and I was still standing at the docks. I clung to Zuko like a shipwrecked victim clings to a rock in a storm. My fiancé was in some important meeting or another, but he sent his regret for not being there. I was glad he wasn't there because it's Zuko I needed, it's Zuko I want to be my pillar to lean on. I cried small tears into the sleeve of my gown as we were carried back to the palace via palanquin.
"You cry a lot," he said offhandedly. I was familiar with his strange brand of humor but I only had sullen eyes for him.
"I've been left to call this place my home now. I bet you wouldn't be so excited if you had to move to the South, for instance."
"If you were there with me, I think I could go just about anywhere and feel at home."
"You and your stupid poetry," I grumbled, shoving his shoulder gruffly. He wasn't really helping.
"Well me and my stupid poetry are what you have for a long time," he smirked, as if he had won a game of Pai Sho and I didn't know it yet. I wasn't in the mood to trade wits with him so I crossed my arms and stared at the silk walls until I could get away from him.