Colour Me Surprised
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Dismantling his guns, cleaning them, reassembling; it was a ritual as familiar to Dean as washing his face or brushing his teeth; a calming reassuring act he had been performing since he was nothing more than a child, since the day his father had explained about Mary's death and revealed to him the world of monsters that lurked in the darkness.
He had been terrorized at first, but when dad had told him his job would be to keep little Sammy safe and that to be able do so he would have to learn everything about these monsters, Dean remembered how those words had caused the fear for himself to melt away, while a burning drive to keep his little brother safe had exploded in his mind.
x
A horrible image of baby Sammy being captured, slashed and eaten by snarling monsters while Dean stood by impotent to save his terrified little brother had filled his sleeping hours with nightmares for months and made him all the more attentive and willing to learn everything that John had to teach him.
At night in one of the twin beds they shared, while John snored heavily in the other, he would pull his baby brother near to him and whisper into his soft hair.
"Don't worry Sammy. I'm here and I'll never let anything happen to you, never."
Sam would snuggle in closer as if he had heard the words and was offering the same comfort to Dean.
x
x
Dean huffed ironically.
Dad had known exactly what buttons to press back then.
John had already noticed the care his younger self was taking of his baby brother and had pressed his 'look out for Sammy' buttons for all he was worth, using it to encourage Dean in his training.
What dad hadn't understood was that Dean didn't need John's prompting; he would have given his life for Sammy regardless.
x
As he expertly clipped the segments of the gun together, he reminisced on how easy hunting had come to him.
He had turned out to be a natural as far as guns, knives and killing monsters was concerned. He took to the life like a duck to water, and had never wavered in his task of looking out for Sam, except of course when he had caught his dying brother in his arms at Cold Oak.
Dean understood that Sam's death had been a pivotal moment in their lives. He had sold his soul to get his little brother back and so doing had set in motion a series of events that had brought them to where they were now.
x
Dean looked wistfully towards the door that led to their sleeping quarters.
Sam was in his room.
It was happening ever more often; instead of his brother sitting opposite him at the table, indulging in small-talk inter-spaced with the occasional bitch-face and eye-roll while consulting his lap-top as if it was an oracle, Sam would retreat to his room leaving Dean on his own.
He couldn't remember when they had been so distant with each other; even when he had come back from hell to find Sam chugging down demon blood, it had never been like this .
Sam was mad at him; Dean understood. If Sam had done the same thing to him he would probably have been as pissed, if not more, yet he wasn't about to apologise for what he had done.
If the choice was between saving Sam or letting him die, Dean would always choose to save him at whatever the cost.
If that was a sin, then Dean was a sinner, not that he had ever been anything else, at least not since he was four years old!
x
Sam had told him he was selfish; that he had saved him because he didn't want to be alone but Dean knew that wasn't true, and he knew Sam did too, despite his words.
When he had sold his soul for Sam, he had been given a year to live and he had been okay with it, hoping Sam would live out the rest of his natural life, find a girl, maybe have a family.
x
He sighed. He needed a strong black coffee, the four he had already gulped down in the last hour nowhere enough to satisfy him, but it was too early in the day to be drinking, something he had been starting to abuse lately.
As he pushed back the chair to get up, he heard Sam enter the room.
His brother circled the table and planked himself down in the chair directly opposite.
Dean lifted his eyes to glance at him but Sam's expression was unreadable. He braced himself for whatever it was Sam was going to say, for if his brother's face was neutral, his body language was that of a Sam who was getting ready to 'talk'
X
Dean, I've been thinking," he began.
"Never a good thing Sammy, " Dean parried.
"You and I, Dean; you realise we're totally messed up, don't you?" Sam continued ignoring Dean's words.
"Preaching to the choir, Sam," Dean shrugged.
Sam inspired heavily.
"The things we do, we've done, for each other, man; it's off the scale. Selling our souls, making deals, sacrificing ourselves. You understand how destructive, it is, don't you?"
Dean raised his eyebrows in affirmation. It was true, no point in denying.
"You're saying it's got to stop, that I took it too far when I pushed an angel down your throat?" Dean ventured.
"I'm still pissed about that Dean, but I think we've gotta let go of the past and look to the future."
x
Dean sat up straighter in his chair.
"Just what are you saying, Sam?"
x
A sigh came from Sam before he continued.
"Even when I'm pissed with you Dean, I care; when you're out of my sight or in danger, I worry. I would take a bullet for you without a second thought. I would die for you Dean. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, " Sam finished off.
Dean almost fell of his chair in surprise; what Sam had just said was the last thing he was expecting.
"Sam, I don't understand. You've been saying we should treat each other like partners not brothers, and now you come out with this?"
X
"I haven't been very clear in my feelings lately, I realise," Sam admitted as Dean rolled his eyes at the girlishness of just uttering the word 'feelings', but he didn't indulge in any snide remarks. This wasn't the time!
"That's because I couldn't analyse them myself. Everything was all mixed up, love, hate, anger, forgiveness, doubt. I've been trying to make sense of it all and I've come to a conclusion." Sam declared.
A flash of fear spiked through Dean despite Sam's earlier words, and he braced himself for what was to come, but Sam surprised him yet again.
"You've demonstrated how difficult it is for you to let me go, Dean and though I've been trying to convince myself what you do, this obsession to keep me alive at all costs, is wrong; the memory of all the times you died in my arms still causes me a pain and anguish I can't forget. We've both tried normal, both have had relationships with women that we've loved, yet here we are, still circling around each other, still together.
I've come to the conclusion that we should stop fighting it, just accept that's how it is. There's never going to be anyone else, not for me nor for you." Sam sagged back in his chair.
x
Dean gulped down the lump that had formed in his throat and he coughed out."So, what are you saying, Sam?"
"I'm saying we're dangerous Dean. This thing we have between us is too strong, too complex. I think we should make it official."
Dean raised his eyebrows until they practically disappeared under his hair-line.
"Official? Dude! You proposing or something?" Dean asked smirking.
Sam bitch-faced him soundly before answering.
"No, dumb-ass! A binding. We should bind our souls together, Dean, so the next time one of us bites the dust, the other goes right along with him, regardless of the circumstances. That way we don't cause any more trouble to anyone but ourselves.
Ash practically told us we were soul-mates anyway. This binding spell would only anticipate things.
It makes us stronger. We don't have to fear for the other when we know we'll go out together anyway."
x
For once in his life, Dean found himself speechless. For all his protectiveness towards his younger brother, he had never dwelt on such an idea. Soul binding was not too be taken lightly, yet here was Sam putting it forward as if he was offering a slice of cherry pie.
"Sam, I... uh.. don't know what to say. I.. just wasn't expecting you to come up with this." Dean wavered.
x
"If it consoles you, I wasn't expecting to come up with it myself but I filtered though all the options and this was the only logical one. It may seem a paradox, but it gives us more freedom than before. We go out together and that allows us to get on with hunting and saving people.
Think your way through it and let me know. You want a coffee, dude?" Sam asked getting up. "I sure do."
Dean nodded, eyes following his brother as he exited the room. He would give Sam's words due thought and let some time pass. If Sam still thought it was a good idea, than he was all for it.
Having Sam by his side for all eternity was what he'd always wanted and if Sam had decided he wanted that too, then soul-binding it would be!
X
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