A/N: Inspired by "Special Effects" by Melodramatic Writer. Yay! MW, I'm finally off my butt!

Disclaimer: Just because I've eaten 'naruto' before, doesn't mean I own it….in fact, I stopped owning it the minute I went to the bathroom.

Androgyny is a curse…

He could feel his mother's blatant stare as he drank the fresh brew of warm herbal tea.

"Itachi, you look like a girl."

Itachi choked. Really, his mother had the strangest of musings….

"Mother, I have been alive for nearly fifteen years and you just noticed?!" His throat still burned from the hot tea. His mother grinned.

"Well, we hardly spend any time together…."

Because you're too busy fawning over Sasuke-kun, he thought.

"….and I've been thinking about what my future grand-children would look like."

The table surface was covered in a spray of tea mixed with saliva. Itachi wiped his mouth and sighed. "Mother…"

Her grin widened. "What? Itachi-kun, I didn't think it would be a problem when you were twelve."

"Mother, please don't think what I think you're thinking." Mitoko's grin widened to a fox-like smirk. "Oh, you were so cute when you were twelve!" Then her grin faded into a scowl. "You had half of the Konoha girls at your disposal, some of them even older than you! But no, you had to act like girls have 'cooties'! I'm not getting any younger and I want grandchildren, damn it!"

Oh, dear. The old 'make-grandchildren-speech'. Itachi regretted coming to visit his mother.

Fake tears swelled in her eyes. "Ever since you moved out, I've been so lonely-"

Itachi cut in, "Then make more kids." Mitoko's eyes burned with the intensity of a thousand suns.

"Pft. Your father can't last even a minute now!" Then she added casually. "Besides, I had my tubes tied."

Inside, Itachi died as an image of his mother and father in bed appeared in his subconscious. I have been scarred for life…

Mikoto continued. "Not to mention, there's an advantage to having grandchildren. I can cuddle them, but I don't have to take care of them!" She was cheerful again.

"Oh, by the way, that girl from the Ichiraku Ramen bar–oh, what was her name again? - sent these free coupons!" She held up three coupons for a 'Free Ramen Meal'.

Itachi didn't miss the sly look in his mother's eyes as he calmly sipped his tea.

"No."

"But-!"

"Forget it."

"She's a nice girl-!"

"So were the other fifty girls you sent after me." He shuddered at the thought. One of them wasn't even a girl.

Mitoko put her foot down. Figuratively, of course.

"Now listen here, young man, if you don't go, you will never hear the end of this!"

Itachi sighed, grabbed the coupons, and stuffed them in his pocket. Mitoko grinned. "I'm glad you reconsidered." Itachi scowled, put on his ninja sandals, and left.

But not before he managed to hear his mother's next words.

"Itachi-kun, don't forget to take some condoms with you!"

Die. Uchiha Mitoko must die.

A/N: Another chapter should be out. Don't forget to practice safe sex, kiddies! Our planet's populated enough as it is.

So, Ayame and Itachi? Hmmmmm, could work. Possibly. Maybe?

Oh, who cares?! IT'S CRACK!!

Review! It's meh favorite kind of crack 3. 