The Long Phase
Captain Allegra was lost.
Hadn't she been fighting until one moment before? She could not explain her awakening, so peaceful and quiet, on a stranger shore. She remembered cold blue flames, right before blacking out. Why, then, were her eyes bathing in sunlight?
She could hardly tear them away from the marvel of the waves, the calmest ocean she had ever seen. The sand, soft under her bare feet, shone in ways she couldn't bring herself to recall. Not even in a thousand voyages, not in this world. She froze.
"Come here, Captain," a sweet voice whispered from behind. "Say my name. Over and over again."
Allegra covered the space between her and the First Mate with warm, bright tears. Her steps seemed to move in a dream, in tune with the rest of the scenery. It was, it felt, like Paradise.
"Is this forever, then?" she sighed, her voice finally broken. "Is this it?"
"Forever," the First Mate answered. The Captain needed no more truth than that.
She didn't expect to reach the end of the world through this passage. Yet, she understood, they could never have found peace without leaving behind their lives.
She hoped for her vessel to rest peacefully, in the sea far below. She let her love guide her fingers in her short hair, down to her burnt skin, to tread their path under the rays of a sun that would know no twilight.
"So be it, Yvonne," Allegra murmured in her head. "Yvonne. Yvonne."
"Not like this, Sam. Please — leave them a chance."
A crumpled sheet rolls to the ground, sliding on the blankets, to fall in the pale square a dingy moon throws on the floor. They shiver, caught in each other, before the lamp goes out.
"Why? Isn't it good to share eternity… anyway?"
"Forever does not mean it's good," Lonnie whispers, tracing the outline of Sam's shoulders with the care fragile treasures need. "Happiness is good. I want you, I want you happy. As long as we live."
Eventually, the days kept flowing without her. The afternoon in which the house shook with footsteps and screams looks farther than it actually is — terror, betrayal, rage were washed away in a matter of hours. Today, within the warm smell of morning tea, they are already hard to remember.
Their own forgiveness, on the other hand, never touched them once. They did try — so hard — to make their grasp firm, to stem the raging river that grew in Sam with each passing day. For such failure, in the end, they took on all the blame.
Her mother has changed expression since then, and Kaitlin is growing tired of it. Janice valiantly bears the mask of failure; she is, she wants to be, a shameful parent, to be put to shame with every glance.
"I beg of you, Kaitlin," she implores, following her own ritual of worry with less and less heart. "Help me find an explanation. Help me understand what she did."
Kaitlin notices she doesn't add to us anymore. Even that, by now, is ashes in the fire of guilt.
"I cannot, mom," she says, weary of her unsolvable guessing game. "But maybe — maybe — you could start with listening to her."
"Hello?"
On the other side, Kaitlin hears a gust of wind. She can almost feel it, the smell of a clear summer night.
"Hello? Who's there?"
No answer will come; yet she waits, for a little while, half-wrapped in her sheets. She waits, with heavy eyelids and calm breath; she still holds the receiver tight, for one second, just before hanging up and going back to sleep.
No matter the hour — she still has hope.
"I just- I just wanted to hear her voice."
The sobs shake their whole dusty mattress. It is Lonnie's turn to slip comforting arms around her waist; she always does when the evening falls hard on them, as she did in front of the old phone booth.
She is the brave one; she is the one who smiles after hours of hard work, after the smell, the sweat, and all the stains their little shower is barely enough to wash away.
Sam always knew — she is the grown-up.
"I'm so sorry. I- I am not strong enough for you."
"Shut up, Captain," Lonnie mumbles. "I love you."
"Don't you dare leave me alone like this!"
Allegra kneels, lost in despair, to wrap the First Mate's body in the strongest grip she is capable of. Her bruised face erases all her decision; there is no goal to reach, no destination, with her weight falling like stone in her arms.
"I got here… all the way… just to lose you? How could you do this to me? How?"
She kissed the blood trail on her cheek, devoid of strength, as the King's footsteps
Another piece of paper lands in the corner. It's the dawn of a new working day.
She wipes the tears before Lonnie can see her awake.
They find a brown envelope months later. Terry feels the banknotes between his fingers as if they were ghosts — they are, in fact, the traces of an absence that haunts his house more than any legend.
There is no doubt where the money comes from. Locking all her traces away will never be enough to forget.
More will come. I promise I'll give back all that I owe you, no matter how long it takes.
I'm sorry.
And he groans, shattered, that it's not money he wants back.
"The King collapses…"
"… ashes and dust. Broken bones…"
"… all over the damn place. And then?"
"Then they marry. And adopt elephants."
"We marry."
"… wait. Are elephants even there-"
"Marry me?"
"Yes. Someday."
"I want you to be a writer first."
"…someday."
"I don't want her to spend her life in a factory. Or a fast food joint. I don't want her hands to grow dark and callouse. I want her hands to write. I want her to become marvelous and loved. I want her to do what she was meant to."
"It's not what she wants, dad."
"What should I want her to do, then?"
"To be herself."
"You don't understand, Katie."
The cold in their passing glances follows the snow outside.
"It is you, in fact, who never did."
The pile of brown envelopes grows on Terry's desk. The dark paper reminds him of his failures, and of all the choices he cannot find a way to correct.
Sometimes he finds himself unable to type more, and walks outside to enjoy the evening breeze. He arranges his thoughts better in the open air. Sometimes he sees, back in the past, where it all went wrong; most of the time, he doesn't.
Whatever the case, the envelopes never leave the side of his novel.
On the last day of spring, Janice sits by his side. They stay for long, frozen in their silence. Although there is much to be said, nothing can break free from their chests.
They hold hands. All their wounds, with little hope of healing, fill their touching palms.
"I will make up for it, Lonnie. I did do my share of wrong, yes. But it would have been worse to stay."
"Do you have any doubts on that?"
"No… I don't. I just miss them. Sometimes. I miss them… the way they were before us."
"Told you. Keep far from them, they will put a charm on you. And steal your heart. Evil ghouls, all of 'em."
"Hey! They are still my family!"
"Still?"
"Still. And… there's Katie."
"You sure she would like me?"
Silence.
"I know she would. My big sister would."
They choose the same day, one year later, to show up. Sam does her best, and discovers being cold is easier than she thought.
She ignores the shade of eternal reproach her mother imposes on herself; she is careless when her eyes slide on her face, made pale and thin by the eternal quest of making a living. She shows the hardened skin on her fingers with pride. She keeps her handbag close, feeling the little spare money she is finally starting to make.
She holds hands with Lonnie with more decision than she did in the first times. She feels the string of warmth connecting the two of them, weakened, then multiplied by misery. She refuses to let it go — she recognizes the girl by her side as half of a grand, courageous creature.
They did grow up to be awesome pirates.
"I won't, Mom," Sam insists. "I will not come back until this is my home. Which means," she adds, turning to her girlfriend, "our home."
They turn away just as fast, and Kaitlin is pleased to see her parents' grimaces are softer. That could be arranged, they seem to say. It could.
"I'll be waiting for you, Sam, Lonnie," she yells. "Please, come back soon."
The wind, already strong at sunset, melts the answer.
I love you so much, Katie.
From the low hill in the middle, they looked upon the lands they could call their own. It would echo in the legends for centuries, all through the Seven Seas, in the voices of generations; Captain Allegra had conquered the End of the World.
In the tales of the sailors, they would forever be two heroes, two women. No challenge would interrupt the memory of their grandeur.
For them, on the other hand, there were no words left to say. They kissed.
Yes, that sounded perfect.
With infinite love, to all the friends and people in the world who went through this or will have to. I won't stop being by your side. I won't stop fighting with you, until the term I used for my title is erased from the face of Earth. Ever.