A/N: It is long overdue that I write something for my dear friend Suilven, since she is always such an sweet and enormous support for me. I just don't know what she had done to get/ deserve this kind of story o.O Anyway, turn your brain off and tag along for this utterly and completely senseless/insane semblance of a story...err... Crack!/Humor/Parody –thingie. Whatever.

Written for the CMDA (Cheeky Monkeys of Dragon Age) Love Potion No. 9 Challenge. Yep, obviously it plays within the OEaH- universe with Lenya and all that. Sort of. Rather like a super twisted version of it. Ah well. Have fun.

The Arrangement

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He was running out of time.

Eamon sat alone in his study, the head rested into his hands and brooded. There were only a few days left until the Landsmeet would start and he still hadn't managed to achieve a satisfying arrangement to secure the throne. Not with the Queen, nor with Alistair and it drove him insane. All the planning and preparations he had done for months were for naught, brought into an unforeseen halt by the boy's stubbornness. But the truth was, it was all her fault, her influence. Eamon cursed the other Warden's existence, because without this rowdy and completely inappropriate wild elf, everything would have been easier. The boy wouldn't talk back or have an opinion of his own and would fulfill the holy duty destined by Calenhad's blood without questions.

Though most of all, he wouldn't object to marry Anora.

It wasn't his favorite option, since it would gradually lessen his influence during Alistair's reign, but waging all possibilities, this was the most sensible one for Ferelden. Why couldn't the boy see that? He already spent hours talk with him, wasted so much energy to convince him of his idea, but to no avail. The boy had become as stubborn as the horrible elf at his side. Oh, he knew that Alistair was unexplainable smitten with her, had already tried so much to part them, but –

A knock at the door let his stream of thoughts come to a halt, the head snapped up. Maybe it was Alistair, maybe he hadn't lost all of his influence on him, after all. The Arl smiled, pleased with the thought. "Yes?"

"Eamon! It is me," an all too familiar screeching voice permeated through the wooden door, making him wince. He loved Isolde dearly, but the sound of her voice never failed to make him shiver. And not in a good way. If only she wasn't so fantastically good in be... – "Are you alone? Can I come in?"

"One moment, please, my love." He suppressed a shudder and opened the upper drawer of his work desk. Taking the cotton wool out of it, Eamon formed fitting pieces out of the mass and put it into his ears.

Ah...better.

"Come in, my apple pie." He looked to the promptly opening door, blissfully oblivious to everything Isolde would say, and most importantly to her voice. He simply needed to sit here, to smile and nod and Isolde would be happy. This demeanor had proven to be the most ideal one over the years to endure her...flaws.

The Arlessa lost no time and walked directly up to him. "Eamon, I know how much sorrow it brought you that this...fool doesn't agree to a joined reign with the Queen and is gambling with Ferelden's future. This is why I have allowed myself to arrange something to secure the throne. I have a plan, fool-proof, even. Do you want to know what it is?"

Eamon –not hearing her– smiled and nodded.

Pleased, Isolde sat down on the edge of his desk, giving him access to gaze at her magnificent … oh right … smiling and nodding. Eamon straightened his posture and tried to appear attentive to whatever his wife was rambling about. "...I know this method is a bit unorthodox, but we have no time to lose anymore, right, darling?"

Another nod at the right time, which made himself proud to have perfected this method so much. "I have already arranged everything," his apple pie continued," You don't need to do anything than to sit back and watch how that boy and the Queen will fall into each others arms. Hence, the horrible elf will be out of the picture with it, as well. Two birds with one stone! What do you say to my fabulous plan, my love?"

Eamon, being the loving and dutiful husband, smiled and nodded at her.

Isolde stood up from his desk with a sigh. "Sometimes I have the feeling that you don't listen to me anymore."

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Alistair was fast asleep and flooding in a peaceful sea of comfortable warmth.

To have a bed to sleep in, after months of camping in the wilderness and sleeping on the cold, hard ground, was such a luxury he couldn't let pass. Hence he was seizing every minute he could spare to spent it within the bed, whether to sleep or...other activities involving his very lovely fellow Warden. It was very stress-relieving in a time where the impending Landmeet loomed dangerously over him and his future.

While sleeping, he felt himself smiling upon the thought of her return. Considerate as Lenya was – well, sometimes– she had noticed his exhaustion and went to the city without him. Alistair yawned and tried to stretch his limbs, but something was...amiss. There was an added weight on him, a warmth that enclosed his body and soft hands which ran up and down his naked torso. He let a sleep-addled groan out, still too tired to bother on Lenya's assault...much. She had the habit to surprise him while sleeping and loved to wake him up in a special way. Not that he would mind, quite the opposite. After all, there were worse fates than to open his eyes and to see how a gorgeous and often very naked elven goddess was straddling him.

Lips and teeth were added to the caressing hands and he suddenly found himself more focused on that than on sleeping. Sighing contended, his arms came around her body – again very much naked – but something was wrong. Very wrong. The body was too big, too heavy, too...different. Panic rose in him and his eyes snapped open, instantly awake.

"Did I wake you? 'Tis was not my intent, love." She chuckled." Or perhaps, 'tis was?"

In the stillness of the shock, Alistair could practically hear his brain fry.

Then the moment passed, the shock quickly substituted for an assault of hysterical panic and disgust that flooded his system. Quicker than he thought he ever could be, he scrambled away from Morrigan's form, the prior abandoned blanket risen to cover his bare necessities."...M-M-Morrigan! Wha...why? H-how?"

The witch seemed unperturbed by his strong reaction. Smiling like a cat fixing its prey, she advanced closer to him again." Who else have you expected, hmm?"

He sprang out of the bed, utterly overwhelmed with the situation. "The Queen of Antiva, or Zevran, maybe Arai. Actually everyone but –" A new shuddering wave of abhorrence shook him. Maker, he would never ever stop to wash himself. Ever. May the archdemon come to his new bathtub home, he would slay it there. – "Or simply umm...Lenya? You know, the woman I love."

"We must not speak of her, shhht."A finger pressed on her lips, she stood up – very much naked – and sauntered over to him. Alistair backed away until his bare back hit the hard, cold wall, trapped like a rabbit in a snare. "She is not here and thus not relevant." Snipping her fingers, she magically froze him on the spot and came close to lick square over his cheek like a bitch in heat. "Take me now, my templar."

Utterly and completely shocked as he was, it took him a moment to remember how to dispel the magic. As soon he was capable to move again, he wriggled away and his lips left the only word his brain was still capable of:

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!"

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Taliesen was dead and Zevran free from the Crows.

Bloodied and tired of a long and unexpected fight with a bunch of Crows, Lenya returned into the estate. At last. As much she appreciated Zevran as a friend and would do anything for him, she was glad for it to be over. All she now wanted was a bath and a sound portion of sleep in Alistair's arms. Of course only if that annoying, old shemlen-Arl hadn't claimed Alistair first to bore him with the same, single-minded drivel about duty, bloodlines and shemlen politics. She wouldn't be surprised, however, it was the Arl's never-ending theme since they cured him with the din'asha ashes. Lenya suppressed to roll her eyes and groan. If she had known that before, she would have resisted Alistair's puppy eyes and appointed the Arl's less annoying brother for the job.

"Ah, before you leave to your well-deserved break with your lovely knight..." Zevran stopped his steps and looked over to her."...let me thank you. No one has ever – " he paused mid-sentence to listen. "Wait...did you hear that too, my dear?"

A scream echoed through the estate and its sound was male, yet not really manly. She didn't know if it was flattering to her hearing ability or unflattering to him that she recognized its panicking edge coming from Alistair. Without further thinking, Lenya started to run toward their shared room, barged into the room...

...and froze.

Before her eyes was the impossible and very mind-breaking image of a naked Morrigan pursuing an also very naked Alistair clawing at a blanket with his dear life. He stood pressed with his back at the stone wall, while desperately trying to hold the persisting witch at arms length. His complete terrified expression added yet more in horror as he noticed who had entered the room.

"I-It is n-not how it looks like."

Lenya couldn't do anything but stare with wide eyes at the obscurity of this very scene. Her brain was utterly failing her. It was a sound coming from her back, sounding suspiciously like Zevran breaking into a fit of...laughter, that set her back into a resemblance of a motion. Lenya made a step forward, but instantly returned to her paralyzed state as she heard how Morrigan.. purred Alistair's name like a needy... – Ugh. She blinked very slowly to comprehend what by Andruil's blasted tits was going on. Once. Twice...but even a felt million times later it was still very much breaking her brain.

"Um, help?" Alistair's head was a deep red now and the incessant laughing fit of Zevran behind her certainly had no small part in this. Using the moment of distraction, Alistair dived behind Lenya's back and used her as a shield against the still approaching Morrigan.

From the corner of her eye she noticed how Zevran stopped laughing all the sudden. He tilted his head to ogle quite openly Alistair's bare backside. "Ah, today must have been my lucky day. First I'm freed of the Crows and now I get two very enticing and yet amusing sights. Marvelous."

"It is nice that you have such fun, Zev," Lenya said, wryly," ...but it doesn't help me to explain what by the Creators is going on here!"

"If I would know, I would tell you," came Alistair's muffled voice from behind her back. "I woke up and she was here. …I already smote her, but ugh...she is as persisting as bad weed and still wants..." He shuddered. "I may never stop to wash myself."

"And why you are hiding behind my back, of all things? You are far to huge for... –"

"Alistair..." Right on cue echoed Morrigan's quite...needy voice through the room and she only stopped to glared down at the Dalish, even in all her nakedness. "Why is she here? I want to be alone with you and play with your little templar."

Lenya felt him shrink even more behind her back. He might be scarred for life when this was over. "Ugh...and I want anything but that."

"No matter how much I like you, Morrigan. This is going to far." She hauled out and punched the witch square in the face. Looming over her now unconscious figure, she rubbed her hurting fist and added, "I don't share."

Holding with one hand the blanket in place, Alistair jumped for joy. "You are...wonderful. Have I told you how much I love you?"

"Now to you, puppy." In all her blood-smeared appearance, she glowered up to him, arms crossed. "I want to know what was going on here."

"I don't know?" With a sigh, Alistair hurried over to the bed to get his trousers. "I was asleep and then...ugh."

"Yeah, that is...helpful." Lenya rolled her eyes and looked at the elf. "Zev, get Wynne and search for something suspicious in Morrigan's room. Potions, poison, I don't know, something. I do believe here is magic involved. Otherwise, I don't think Morrigan would get freely that close to him."

"Well, thanks." His pout quickly dissolved as he added, "But I can assure this feeling is mutual."

Lenya watched Zevran leaving and turned to the still unconscious witch with an exasperated sigh. "What a comforting thought, love."

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Wynne entered their room only moments later.

She seemed to be quite bewildered at the sight of a Morrigan – now somewhat dressed and wrapped in a blanket– being neatly tied up on a chair, but Lenya couldn't care less. "Shall I come later again? You two seem to be...busy with... – " The elder mage fell silent and cleared her throat.

"This is why I called for you." Lenya shrugged, unperturbed by her disturbance. "Morrigan is acting weird."

Wynne snorted. "That is nothing new."

She smothered the wish to roll her eyes, a somewhat reflexive reaction whenever the mage was near. "More than usual. I do believe there is magic involved which influenced her. Which is the reason she is tied up like that until we know more."

The mage frowned. "What did she do?"

Alistair flushed as he looked at Wynne, his murmur all quiet. "She...err...assaulted me, while I was asleep. ...Naked."

For a fraction of a moment, Wynne only stared and blinked, and stared some more. Then the corner of her mouth quirked up in a way too devious for a woman her age." My, you are quite the heartbreaker, my dear."

The color within Alistair's face even added in redness, his voice torn between anger and embarrassment. "I didn't do anything."

"I see." The mage let her eyes sweep through the room and halted at the basket full of fruits, bread and salt meat in the corner. Tasty as it looked, Lenya found it a tad...suspicious. "Hmm, I didn't get such a fine selection of food. In fact I didn't get anything." Wynne walked over to it and looked up to Alistair." Did you eat something from this basket?"

"N-no. I was asleep and I haven't even noticed the... – wait is that ham? Actual ham? And...cheese? "Oh, Maker." Drawn to it by the never quiet Warden hunger, Alistair walked over to the food and nothing seemed able to stop him.

Well, almost nothing.

"Alistair, stop!" He froze on the spot and the slice of cheese fell out of his hands, shocked by her force."Alas'bora! Do you want to fall under its spell, too?"

"I'm trained as a templar, I'm sure I'll be okay." He showed her his most pitiful expression, which reminded her why she called him 'puppy' in the first place." Just a...bite? Pleeeaaase?"

Lenya groaned, tone all sarcastic. "Sure, go on. If you want to make lots and lots of love with your one true love Morrigan, eat to your heart's content."

Alistair cringed and instinctively took a step back from the basket. "That is...a convincing argument."

"I thought so." With a huff, she turned to Wynne, who seemed to follow the couple's argument with great interest. "Is there a way to find out, if the food is...enchanted, or something?"

"I...never have seen something like this before myself, but yes, there is a way. Given the fact what causes the enamored state is a potion." Wynne fell into her thinking pose, fingers tipped against her chin. "But for that rather chemical process of proof, I need some supplies from 'Wonders of Thedas' first. You both stay here so long until I return?"

"No we actually intend to go out for a walk, skipping hand in hand over a flower field." Lenya rolled her eyes. "Of course we stay here, where else shall we go?"

Wynne shook her head as she turned to go. "No need to be so snappy, young lady."

"Abalas, I had quite the crappy day." She pointed at her bloodied armor, then back at Morrigan. "Obviously."

Wynne almost ran into Zevran who entered the door as she was about to leave. "Ah, I hope you can forgive me being late, but I think I have found something." Within a cloth in his hands he held a half-eaten apple, which was quite... pink? Huh? "I notice you already have seen the culprit of all the amusing commotion, my dear Warden. I found this apple within Morrigan's room and ran some quick alchemy tests with it. To see if I find poison within and all the other gruesome things. Thus, my late reappearance."

Oh, dear." Wynne's eyes grew wide, as she observed the fruit closer. "Yes, the color, the sweet smell and the warmth radiating from it. This is a love potion. Normally it is undetectable...until made visible by alchemy. Hence this is why it was such a...popular source for pranks for the students within the tower. With this potion, you could even destine who is the heart's desire, or better said the target of it." She breathed out, visible relieved. "Thankfully its effect wears off on its own in a few hours, so all we have to do is to wait." She nodded at Zevran. "Excellent work."

"Always a pleasure, my dear mage." He bowed down to her with a grin. "May I lean my head on your magical bosom as a treat for my good work?"

"No." Wynne frowned and turned to leave. "If that is all, I'll return to my room. The book I was reading is quite interesting."

"Another of those weird human books forbidden by the Chantry?" Lenya grinned, couldn't help but to place the jab." Did the mage Cevary get her treat in form of First Enchanter Danney's hot rod? I stopped reading before that point and my inquiring mind wants to know."

"These...books are...private," Wynne sputtered and stormed away with a huff, which send both elves into a laughing fit.

Alistair quirked an eyebrow at her. "You spent way too much time with that assassin. …Wait, where are you going?"

Lenya stopped her steps with a shrug. "Confiscate Morrigan's food, of course. I don't need yet another woman stalking my man. With a playful grin, she added, "...Also I'm hungry."

"Oh, kinky." Zevran chuckled and walked to the door. "Alas, this is where I take my leave, as well. My fair bard is certainly worried about my disappearance...and curious about the amusing story behind it, I'm sure."

"W-wait..." Alistair nearly flailed as he pointed at the still tied up Morrigan. "What about...her?"

"I would suggest you get the fair witch back into her room before she wakes up and afterward start to run without turning back, my dear Alistair. And then to hide somewhere until her wrath is gone." Without further preamble the elf left him alone with it.

"Yessh, sshe issh shour prooblem." He jumped at the mouthful voice of Lenya, surprised to see her already returning from the nearby room. Her hands were packed with food and she chewed quite delightful on an apple similar to the enchanted one. "Hmm, this is tasty." She winked at him. "And...I already feel a bit...warm and fuzzy."

In a speed that even surprised himself, Alistair heaved the chair – together with the besotted witch – up and carried her over to her own room. Not caring to sever her ties, he shrugged and closed the door after him. She would be still here in a few hours, after all.

Whoever targeted him with this sort of potion, had failed. Alistair smiled as he hurried back to his room. Still, he needed to examine its effects a little closer with Lenya, just to be sure it wasn't dangerous.

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Lady Isolde marched up and down and glared at the two elven servants."What do you mean, there was an accident?"

Elina winced at being yelled at by the Madame of this household, but even more at the screeching tone of her voice. She had been working as maid in the Arl's estate in Denerim for years, had even gained the trust of the landlord. Most the time the work was quiet, a routine, but since a few weeks everything had been blown out of proportion. It began all with the two Wardens and their odd companions a few weeks ago, that the work became...too much.

She gritted her teeth and lowered her gaze before she spoke, "I'm sorry, my Lady. I was overloaded with work today, which is why my daughter offered me to help. I gave her an exact instruction, but since she is not long yet in your service, she might have delivered the food to the wrong door. Surely you can understand that the seize of the mansion and its many doors can be confusing at first."

No, I cannot! How difficult can it be to deliver two baskets of food to the right door? One of them being the Queen's?" Frustrated, the Lady Isolde pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers, which thankfully made her silent for a precious amount of time. "Both of you, you will be scrubbing the latrines for the rest of the month. And this is me feeling generous. You are dismissed. Out of my sight."

"Y-yes, Madam!" Elina answered under her breath before leaving. Everything was better than to endure her presence, even scrubbing latrines.

"Mother?" Her daughter looked up to her, her face pained.

"Yes, my dear?"

"How could you...endure, well, that voice all these years?"

Elina chuckled. "Normally I use cotton wool and press in into the ears before entering her room. I heard the landlord is doing the same."

Her daughter made a face. "If I'm honest, I wouldn't be surprised if that rumor is true."

"Indeed." She patted her on her back, still laughing. "Come on now, we have a lot of work to do."