A/N: Hey guys! I've spent a pretty long time on this fic, so I'm glad to finally be posting this :] I really hope you guys enjoy this one! It takes place about two months after Derek's full recovery, so quite a few months after the shooting. This fic was…hard for me to write at times. I kept tearing up when I was writing some of the scenes…sigh…I'm such a fan girl :D Haha. Well, anyway, I really hope you like this! My next fic might be a Calzona fic, because I've become totally obsessed with them, they're SO adorable! ^^ But I still have a bunch of MerDer fics in mind I want to write too, cause they'll always be my fave. Teehee. Okay, I'm starting to ramble like Mer, I'll stop now xD Enjoy guys!
Broken Dreams
"God, I feel disgusting."
Derek brushed a curtain of hair away from her face as another wave of nausea hit her and she vomited into the toilet yet again.
"Well, you look beautiful," said Derek in a futile attempt to make her feel better. As if on cue, as soon as the last word was out of his mouth, Meredith was sick once again.
"Oh God, just shut up."
Derek backed away from her as she wiped her mouth and attempted to stand, and upon seeing her struggle, reached out and offered his arm as support. She looked at him gratefully as she heaved herself up, relying on his help. She hated feeling so weak and helpless.
"This is the third time you've thrown up this week, you sure you don't have the flu or somethin'? Let me feel your head."
Meredith turned toward the sink and splashed cool water on her face, breathing in and out a few times to regain composure before spinning back around to face Derek.
"I already told you, I'm fine."
"I know…I just worry about you Mer, that's all."
"And I allow that, because you're cute when you're worried," she said playfully, giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "But seriously, I'm fine. C'mon, we've got to leave here in ten minutes if we're going to make it to work on time."
Derek sighed, but was smiling as he did so. He was worried about her; Meredith wasn't one to ever really get sick. But she was a surgeon, she knew her body, if she said she was fine, she must really be fine.
Meredith sighed, frowning as she did. Despite what she had just told Derek, she really didn't know what the hell was wrong for her. She never got sick, and yet she had been feeling awful for the past few days.
'Maybe it's just stress,' she thought to herself as she pulled a shirt over her head. 'Or maybe it's just cause' I'm really tired…yeah, that's it.'
Meredith had only returned to work about two months ago, having stayed home with Derek for the entirety of his recovery. It hadn't been easy readjusting to her work life; late nights, early mornings, being on your feet for hours at a time. She had taken it easy at first, but now she was working just as much as she had before, and she figured that her body was just taking a toll, nothing to worry about.
As Meredith made her way down the staircase, throwing her hair in a ponytail as she did so, Derek called down to her.
"You haven't forgotten that Ma is coming in a few days, right?"
Meredith's stomach twisted at the mere thought of it. Her and Derek's mother's initial meeting hadn't gone very well, and she had only seen her once after, and it wasn't exactly on happy terms. As soon as she had heard the news that Derek had been shot, Carolyn Shepherd had booked a flight to Seattle pronto. She stayed in a hotel close to the hospital for about two weeks, coming to the hospital every day to visit Derek. Meredith, of course, had spent a lot of time with her during those two weeks, as she had never left Derek's side unless absolutely necessary. But most of that time was filled with grief; mourning over someone's near death experience wasn't exactly an ideal way of bonding with one's mother-in-law.
'Wait…that's why I'm feeling like this! It's because I'm nervous about Derek's mother coming! Yeah, that has to be it!'
"Of course not, Derek," Meredith called up to him, breathing a sigh of relief at her sudden revelation. "Now come on, we're gonna be late!"
Meredith cornered Cristina in the Resident's lounge later that morning. "Cris, I finally figured out why I've been sick for the past few days!" she said grinning.
"You're smiling, you look all bright and shiny…oh my gosh! Are you pregnant Mer?"
Meredith flinched. "I wish. But no. Me and Derek have only been trying for two months. No, I'm sick because I'm nervous, that's all. Derek's mother is coming into town in a few days."
Cristina mentally slapped herself. How could she just blurt something like that out? She knew how badly Mer wanted a baby, and how much it had killed her when she lost hers. She hadn't even told Derek until after he had recovered, and she had told her that telling him was one of the hardest things she had ever had to do. But McDreamy had agreed to start trying for a baby right away, and it had made Meredith start smiling again since the shooting. Of course, part of that was probably due to the fact that the beast was finally being fed again, and frequently at that, but she knew trying for a baby was a major part of it.
"Just nerves? Good. You must be relieved."
"I am! I've got to go though; I'm scrubbing in on Bailey's surgery. See you at lunch?"
"Yup, see ya."
As Meredith walked down the hospital hallways toward OR 2, she thought about Cristina's immediate assumption that she had been pregnant. The thought that this could be morning sickness had never even entered her mind. 'How could I have never thought of that? I'm a freakin' surgeon!'
Meredith's heart started beating faster, a huge smile plastered on her face as she pushed the elevator button. 'Could I really be pregnant? We've only been trying for a couple months,' she thought as the elevator doors slid apart and she stepped in. She couldn't help but notice that it was her and Derek's elevator, the one he had proposed to her in. 'Could that be a sign?'
As the elevator started to make its descent, the dark and twisties started to invade Meredith's mind. 'What if I never thought of it because I subconsciously didn't want to get optimistic about this again? The last time I was happy about being pregnant…' Meredith stopped her train of thought as tears started to well in her eyes. It had been months since she had lost the baby, but the thought of it still tore at her heart. 'No, you know what? I'm not pregnant. I already figured out why I was sick. It's nerves. Just nerves, Mer. Nothing more. Stop deluding yourself into thinking it's something more than that. Especially since…no, stop it Mer.'
The elevator doors separated, allowing Meredith to walk out into the hallway. She made her way into the scrub room and scrubbed in as fast as she could, as everyone was already ready in the OR.
"You're late, Grey," said Bailey as Meredith opened the OR door. She made her way to the OR table where a man in his mid-twenties lay, already under the anesthetics.
"Sorry, Dr. Bailey."
Meredith mentally cursed herself for being late. Ever since returning to the hospital, she had been working as hard as she possibly could, trying to prove to everyone that she wasn't the weak, fragile wife who had witnessed her husband get shot. Nor was she the grieving mother who had lost her baby. She was Dr. Meredith Grey. She was a hardcore surgeon. She needed people around here to take her seriously again. The looks of pity that had constantly been thrown her way the past couple months had become unbearable. She was sick of being looked at as the broken one. She was whole and healed, and she needed everyone else to see her that way.
"Grey…are you okay?"
"Yeah, sorry Dr. Bailey, I'm fine." 'Oh, just great Meredith. Zone out in the middle of surgery. That's really going to help things.'
About ten minutes later, Meredith started to feel a bit queasy…again. 'Oh God, not now, please, not now!'
Meredith tried her best to hold out, thinking of anything besides the nauseous feeling in her stomach. She tried taking deep breaths, but she started getting weird stares from the people around her, and she didn't want anyone thinking anything was wrong with her. 'Whole and healed, Meredith, whole and healed.'
"Oh God!" she yelled as she sprinted out of the OR, untying her surgical mask as she did so. She tried to make it out of the scrub room, but realizing that she didn't have time, leaned over into the small garbage can in the corner, and was sick for what felt like the billionth time that week.
A few moments later, as Meredith was still crouched on the floor, wiping her mouth, one of the nurses from the OR came into the scrub room.
"Dr. Bailey sent me out here to see if you were alright."
"Yeah, I'm just freakin' great."
"…is that what I should tell her?"
Meredith sighed. "No, I'm sorry. Tell her that I'm fine, and that I'll scrub in again, and be right there."
"Actually, she said for me to tell you to go home and get some rest."
"What? No. I'm fine."
"She said you would say that. She said that you haven't looked well for days, and that you weren't entering an OR until you went home and rested…I'm sorry Dr. Grey."
"This is a joke, right?" The nurse just looked down at her feet.
"Fine. I'll go. But you be sure to tell her that there's no point, because I'm fine."
"Yes, Dr. Grey."
Meredith reached for her pager and paged Derek as she walked out of the scrub room. She knew she was about to cry, and she needed him.
Derek was just finishing up a craniotomy when his pager went off. He sighed as he asked one of the nurses to retrieve it from the table across the room. He was hoping to make it to lunch at a decent time so he could eat with Meredith, but if he was getting paged to do a surgery, he'd never make it on time. He glanced at the pager now that the nurse had held it up for him to see. 'Why the hell is Meredith paging me to the bathroom?'
Derek thanked the nurse and finished up quickly. He untied his surgical mask and dropped it into the trash can on his way out of the scrub room, and then proceeded to speed walk down the hallways toward the bathroom. He broke out into a jog as his mind started racing, trying to figure out why Meredith would be paging him from there.
Derek hesitated as he reached the door to the bathroom. This was the women's bathroom after all…but if Meredith needed him in there, then that was just too bad, women's bathroom or not.
"Um…Meredith? Are you in here?"
Derek heard sniffles coming from inside one of the stalls. "Mer?"
The stall door opened and Meredith shuffled out, tears streaming down her face.
"Meredith," said Derek quietly, stepping forward quickly to wrap his arms tightly around her small frame. He pressed a kiss to her temple as she sobbed quietly into his chest, running his hands up and down her back in an attempt to calm her down.
After a minute or two, he stepped back from her a bit, moving one hand to the small of her back, and the other to tip her chin up so he could look clearly into her green eyes, glassy due to the tears. He slowly leaned in and ever so gently pressed his lips to hers, a seemingly insignificant kiss, yet it spoke the words that he wasn't saying out loud. 'I love you.'
"What's wrong Mer?" he spoke as he stroked her face with the tips of his fingers. "What's the matter? "
More tears slid along the creamy white of her skin at the gentle tone of his voice. She clutched to his dark blue scrubs as if her life depended on it, never wanting to let go.
"Talk to me Mer. You know you can talk to me about anything. I wanna help you, but I need to know what's wrong so I can do that."
"I-I…I just…nothing's going right…and now I'm banned from the OR…and…and…I can't…" Her words came to a sudden halt as she dissolved into another round of sobs.
"Shh…shh…it's ok Mer…I'm right here…it's ok." He tightened his embrace around her reassuringly. "Deep breaths, Mer," he whispered.
Meredith breathed in a few deep, shaky breaths, trying to calm herself down. Eventually, the tears ceased and she was able to talk again.
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," she spoke quietly.
Kissing her head, Derek replied, "You're not a mess. You're just upset. You gonna tell me what's wrong?"
Meredith nodded slightly before speaking. "You know how I've been throwing up these past few days?"
"Yeah," said Derek with a look of sympathy in his eyes; he hated seeing her feel so miserable.
"Well…it happened again. In the OR. During surgery."
"Oh, Mer…I'm so sorry…"
"Luckily I made it to the scrub room before it actually happened…but Derek, it was awful. Bailey sent a nurse out to freakin' tell me that I wasn't allowed in the OR, and that I had to freakin' go home and rest. People were finally starting to take me seriously around here after everything that happened, finally starting to look at me normally again. And now I'm being sent home for nap time. I'm a surgeon, I don't rest, I cut damn it!"
Tears of frustration were welling in her eyes, and Derek didn't know what to say, or quite how to make things better. His heart went out to her; she had had such a hard time these past few months, and he hated seeing her this way.
"I'm so sorry Mer. But look at the positive side. If you go home and rest, you'll probably get better, and finally stop throwing up."
"I'm not getting sick because I'm tired! I'm just nervous about your mother coming! That's all! It's just nerves! Nothing more!" she snapped at him, instantly regretting letting her frustration get to her. She took another deep breath and looked down at her feet. "Sorry," she said quietly, almost inaudibly.
"Hey, there's no need to be sorry," he said, tilting her chin up to look her in the eyes, "you've been under a lot of stress lately, what with going back to work and everything else; I get it. It's okay."
Meredith nodded, burying her face in his chest once again.
"There's more."
Meredith looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. "Huh?"
"There's more that's bothering you."
"No there's not."
"Yes, there is."
"Derek, no, there's not. I'm fine."
"I'm fine? Ok, well now I know there's something else bothering you."
Meredith sighed in defeat. "I hate that you know me so well."
"You love it."
She smiled slightly. "Shut up."
"But seriously, what else is wrong Mer? Why don't you want to talk to me about it? Is it my mother?"
"Well, I am really nervous about her coming…but…"
"But that's not what else is bothering you."
"Not really."
"Then what is?"
Meredith looked down again. "It's just been a really, really bad day."
Derek looked at his watch. "My shift doesn't end for a while. Do you need me to go talk to Richard? I can get out of here now, and we'll go home, and we can talk there."
Meredith shook her head. "No, I don't want to be a burden to you. Finish your shift, and we'll talk later tonight."
"Meredith, you're not a burden to me. It's okay. If you need me, I'm here for you."
Despite how awful she was feeling, Meredith felt her heart swell with love for the man standing in front of her. He really was always there for her when she needed him. "No, go finish your shift. Go save lives. I'll be waiting for you at home."
Derek cupped both his hands gently around her face. "You'll be alright until I get home?"
"Yeah."
Derek offered her a small smile. "Okay," he replied, leaning in and pressing his lips against hers. "I love you Mer. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"I love you too. And…thanks. For, you know, being here for me…in the woman's bathroom and all…"
He wrapped his arms around her for a final hug. "Anytime."
This is how the rest of Meredith's day went from there.
First, she went straight into the kitchen as soon as she arrived home, and grabbed a whole tub of butter from the fridge. Izzie always used to eat it when she was feeling upset, so she figured what the hell, couldn't hurt to try. It's got to be better than downing tequila.
Halfway through the tub, she was running towards the bathroom, silently cursing herself. Izzie had failed to ever mention that it induced vomiting.
After throwing up (again), Meredith felt repulsive, so she decided to take a nice, hot shower. She felt a lot better physically after, but emotionally she still felt like a wreck. She curled up in her bed under the warmth of the blankets for the rest of the day, aimlessly changing the channels on the TV, not really paying much attention to what was actually on. She threw up again halfway through some pointless show called 'Jersey Shore.'
When Meredith heard the front door open later that night, she breathed a sigh of relief. She was so unbelievably exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and all she wanted to do was curl up with Derek and sleep for the next three days.
"Derek?" Meredith called out, her voice thick with exhaustion. A few minutes had passes, and Derek still hadn't come up the stairs.
She finally heard the sound of his feet clomping up the stairs. He entered their bedroom carrying a tray with some ginger ale, toast, and crackers. Meredith just groaned.
"I'm too tired to eat."
"I think you should try to eat at least a little something, try and get your strength up." He set the tray on the nightstand and leaned down and kissed her on her forehead. "Hm, you don't feel warm."
"Being nervous doesn't give you a fever. And I don't want to keep my strength up. I want to sleep."
"Mmhm. Is there a reason you're lying here in a towel?"
"I was too tired to get dressed after my shower."
Derek chuckled a bit, but that fact only made him more concerned about her. He opened one of the dresser drawers and pulled out some sweatpants and her Dartmouth t-shirt. He laid them on the bed and unwrapped the towel from her body, causing goose bumps to arise on Meredith's skin. Not wanting her to be cold, he quickly helped her slip the shirt over her head and slide the sweatpants over her legs.
"Thanks," she whispered, looking up at him gratefully. He leaned in to give her a quick peck on the cheek before shedding down to his boxers and climbing into bed next to her, pulling her close. She rested her head on his chest and allowed her eyes to close, listening to the beat of his heart, which had become oddly comfortable to her ever since the shooting.
"So how was the rest of your day?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Did you just lie in bed?"
"Well, first I ate butter. Then took a shower. Then lied in bed. All in all, today was very productive," she said, yawning as she did.
Derek kissed the top of her head. "Are you ok?"
"No," she whispered.
Derek began rubbing his hands in soothing circles across her back. "You wanna talk about it now?"
Meredith yawned again. "Can we sleep first?"
"Yeah, we can sleep first. But you have to promise me that tomorrow, you will talk to me."
"I promise."
"Okay." Derek leaned over her body as carefully as he could, not wanting to disturb her, and switched the light on the nightstand off. He snuggled down under the covers and kissed her once more. "I love you, Mer."
"Love you too," she replied, slurring slightly, already half-asleep. Her shallow, even breaths soon signaled to Derek that she was asleep, and he smiled when she started snoring.
"I really do love you," he whispered into the darkness. "Whatever's troubling you, we're gonna get through it together…I promise."
Derek reached over to the nightstand on his side of the bed, grabbed his earplugs, and soon fell fast asleep beside his wife.
Meredith woke up to bright sunlight already pouring through the window, and she sat up quickly, realizing she had over slept. She wouldn't even have time for a shower now, she'd have to get up, get dressed and go. 'Dammit, why didn't Derek wake me up?'
Yesterday's events suddenly came flooding back to her, and she fell back onto the mattress with a groan, remembering that she wasn't even allowed to go to work today. And that Cristina had thought she was pregnant. And that she had cried in a bathroom. And eaten half a tub of butter.
She remembered that she was a mess.
Derek must've already left for work, because he wasn't lying in bed next to her like he usually was when she woke up in the mornings. The whole and healed part of Meredith wished he had the day off so she could talk to him about…well…everything…but the dark and twisty part of her was grateful that he wasn't there. She wasn't sure she could handle talking to him without breaking down again.
The bedroom suddenly opened, startling Meredith from her thoughts, and in walked Derek with more toast and crackers for her. He set the tray down in front of her on the bed before sitting down beside her, wrapping his arm around her after propping her pillows up, helping her to sit up.
"I thought you had work?"
Derek had called the Chief and requested to stay home, knowing he needed to be here for her, but he didn't want to get into that right now, it wasn't what was important. So he simply ignored her question. "Eat. That's an order from an attending to his resident. No arguing," he said as he kissed her cheek. Meredith rolled her eyes, but took a small bite of toast nonetheless.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like crap, physically and emotionally."
Derek wrapped his arm tighter around her, wanting her to know that he was there for her, but remained silent. He let her eat a few more bites of toast and even have a cracker, waiting for her to elaborate when she was ready.
Meredith sighed. "You want me to talk about what's wrong now, right?"
Derek hesitated for a moment. "Yes…but I want you to want to talk to me about it."
Meredith stared down at her toast. "I do want to talk to you about it. It's just…really hard," she whispered, tears already starting to prick her eyes.
"I'm here for you, Mer. You know that. Let me help you. I know it's hard, but I promise it'll be okay. Just talk to me," he said as gently as possible, not wanting to pressure her too much.
Meredith took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll just come out and…and say it. Just…don't say anything until I'm finished. Don't try and offer me words of comfort or anything like that. Because I won't be able to keep talking if you do. Just…wait for me to finish. Okay?"
Derek just nodded, showing her that he could keep quiet. His stomach was in knots on the inside, the worst possible scenarios coming to mind. He quickly pushed all his thoughts away, however, ready to listen to whatever Meredith had to tell him.
Meredith was nervous, and having Derek's eyes bore into her with that sad look in them was certainly not helping. But she knew she had to tell him. She couldn't go through this alone. The last time she needed him and wouldn't let him help, she ended up dying. Granted, she came back to life, but it was a miracle that she had.
"Alright, so, I was really worried that I had been throwing up a lot, because I don't normally get sick. And I had been trying to figure out what was wrong. Then you mentioned your mother coming yesterday morning, and it made me realize that that's why I was throwing up, because I was just nervous about her coming. So when I saw Cristina later, I told her how I had figured out why I was throwing up. And Derek…she…she asked if I was pregnant. And she had this huge smile plastered on her face when she did. And when I left, I suddenly thought 'What if I am pregnant?' And for a few short, perfect minutes, I forgot about everything, and honestly thought that I was. Then everything came flooding back to me, and I realized what a fool I was for thinking I could be. I know what the doctor said. And I realize know that for the past two months, I've been in complete denial. I know what the doctor said about the complications from the miscarriage, and the chances of me getting pregnant are slim to nothing now, but I couldn't accept it. I know I said I was fine, and I know I was pretty damn convincing…convincing enough for even you to not realize how badly it hurt me…but it hurt. More than I can even explain. And when Cristina asked me if I was pregnant, blissfully unaware of the fact that I basically can't get pregnant…I was just so happy, Derek. So 'freakin happy!" she cried, sobs now wracking her entire body, tears flowing freely down her face.
Meredith looked over at Derek who had yet to say anything, and saw tears running down his face, which only made her cry harder. "W-well…you can say something now…I'm f-finished…" she stuttered out through her tears, "Please say something," she whispered, frightened that she had finally scared him off, and now he was going to leave her with her dark and twisties and useless uterus.
"Meredith…" he began shakily, trying to gather his thoughts to form a coherent sentence. "I am…so sorry. So, unbelievably sorry. I can't imagine what you've been going through…I should've realized you weren't okay…I'm sorry," he choked out, his tears getting the best of him.
"Oh God, Derek, please don't apologize. None of this is your fault. Even though we've been trying for two months…deep down I knew that it was pointless. But, I don't know, I guess it was my own dark and twisted way of coping…simply denying the facts."
Derek pulled her in for a hug and they held onto each other as they cried, each of them letting everything out in the comfort of one another's arms. With everything that had happened in the past six months, they sure as hell deserved the right to break down.
After a long while, Meredith finally pulled back from Derek, the tears no longer falling as fast, the sobs no longer causing her to shake. Derek wiped away the tears running down her face with the pads of his thumbs, and in turn Meredith did the same for him. They sat there resting their foreheads together, just breathing in and out, each thankful that the other was there. Meredith couldn't believe that earlier a small part of her had actually been happy when she thought that he wasn't there. She honestly had no idea what the hell she would do without him.
"Mer…" began Derek, gently stroking her face, "are you…I mean…what do you need me to do here? H-how…how do I help you?"
Meredith smiled sadly. "You can't fix what happened. But you, being here…it's all that I need. You're the person who gets me through each and every day, Derek. You're the reason I get up in the morning. You're the one who loves me. That's all I need to get through this. You. And…I know this is hard for you too. I wished we had talked about this more. But it's okay, because we're talking about it now. I love you so much Derek…and I know that we can both get through this together. But…we both have to accept that…we can't have kids."
It was the first time she had said it since the doctor had told them. 'We can't have kids.' She hadn't said it allowed, or accepted it until now. And neither had Derek, she suddenly realized. She had been so wrapped up lately in her own little world that she hadn't even realized everything she was going through…Derek was going through it too. He hadn't accepted it either; they had both agreed to try for a baby, ignoring the reality of it all, and having hope that they could beat the odds. But they both knew that today, they finally accepted it. It was one of the hardest things either of them had ever had to do, but they had done it, and they had done it together.
But Derek was a very optimistic person; he always looked at the glass half full. There was a part of him that believed that Meredith could still get pregnant. Hell, could be pregnant. Meredith was not the kind of person to become physically ill due to nerves, she was stronger than that. He voiced this to her, and was met with her shaking her head.
"Der…I don't think having false hope about this is going to help matters."
"The doctor said you have about a 3% chance of ever getting pregnant, right?"
"Yeah."
Derek took her hands in his and twined their fingers together. "If I remember correctly, the doctors told Izzie she had about a 5% chance of survival when she was diagnosed. 5%, Mer. There was a 95% chance that she was going to die. And she lived. When you drowned in Elliott Bay," said Derek softly, stopping for a moment to squeeze his eyes shut, tears already forming at the mere thought of that fateful day, "you were dead Mer. You died. You should've stayed dead. But against all odds, you lived. When I was shot, and with everything that happened in the OR that day…I should've died. But I didn't Meredith, I didn't die, I lived. So screw the odds. Forget everything the doctor said. Answer my question. Are you showing signs of pregnancy?"
"Yes, but Derek…"
Derek took her face in his hands, stroking her skin. "Do you trust me, Meredith?"
Without hesitating, she replied, "With my life."
"Okay. So if you're not pregnant, do you trust me to get us through that?"
"Yes."
"Okay then."
Meredith took a deep breath before saying, "There's a pregnancy test under the bathroom sink."
"You're sure you wanna do this right now?"
Meredith looked straight into his eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure. I trust you, Derek. And I love you."
Derek softly touched his lips to hers. "I love you too."
Meredith got up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom.
"Do you…do you want me to come with you?"
"Do I want you to come stand in there while I pee on a stick? No, I'm good."
Derek chuckled softly at her attempt at a joke. "Okay…love you."
"Love you too," replied Meredith as she shut the bathroom door.
Derek sighed and lied back on the bed, allowing his whole body to relax. Yes, he had hope, but he was also facing the facts that there was a 97% chance that Meredith would never even be able to become pregnant, let alone be pregnant now. But still, he had hope. Because when life sucks, you have faith, and you hope for things. It's just the way the world works.
About ten minutes later, Meredith emerged from the bathroom, and Derek sat up quickly, trying to read the emotions on her face.
"I don't, uhm, I just did it now, so, I don't know yet…we have to wait a few minutes."
"Come here."
Meredith walked over to him, clutching the pregnancy test in her hand, which was wrapped in toilet paper. She dropped it onto the nightstand and then climbed onto the bed and snuggled up against Derek, content lying there in his embrace.
"We're gonna get through this."
Derek smiled at her. "We're gonna get through this."
Meredith shut her eyes as she relaxed her body. For her, this was more of a final step of acceptance than anything. This wasn't to say that she didn't have hope, because she did. Deep down inside of her, she had this immense hope that was threatening to burst out. But she kept most of it buried inside, not wanting the disappointment to be any harder than it was already most likely going to be.
"I think it's time," spoke Meredith a few minutes later. "Can we…look at it together, at the same time?"
Derek kissed her head. "Yeah, let's do it together."
Meredith leaned over Derek and grabbed the test, bringing it in front of both her and Derek, so both could see. She slowly unraveled the toilet paper that was wrapped around it and let it fall away.
"There's a smiley face. That's sort of sick..."
"Derek…"
"I mean, this isn't exactly the easiest moment in the world. And this is taunting us with a smiley face…but it's okay. I mean, we're okay. We're gonna get through this Mer," spoke Derek assuredly, regardless of the tears welling in his eyes.
"Derek! The smiley face…it means…it means I'm pregnant."
"It…wait…what?"
"Derek…I'm pregnant!"
Derek looked over at the huge grin that was lighting up Meredith's whole face. "You're…pregnant. Oh my gosh. You're pregnant!" yelled Derek ecstatically as he suddenly picked her up and spun her around in his arms, both of them laughing and crying tears of joy. He peppered her face with kisses as he continued to hold her, her arms twining themselves around his neck. He never wanted to let this amazing, beautiful, pregnant woman out of his arms. He simply wanted to stand there and hold onto her forever.
"Oh Meredith…I love you so much," he whispered, kissing her fully on her lips.
"I love you too, Derek," she said once they had both pulled back for air.
"We're going to have a baby," he said, unable to keep the huge grin off his face even if he wanted to.
"We are, we're gonna have a beautiful little baby. And you're gonna be such an amazing father," said Meredith, tears starting to fall down her cheeks again.
"You're going to be an even more amazing mother, Mer, I just know it."
"I can't believe that we were crying because we couldn't have a baby…and now we're crying because we are. This is just…" Meredith stopped suddenly, knowing Derek would know exactly what she meant.
"I know," he whispered, leading her over to the bed so they could lie down. They lay there facing each other, staring into each other's eyes, still grinning from ear to ear. Derek reached down to the hem of her shirt and slowly lifted it up, exposing the soft skin of her stomach to him. He gently lay his hand there, thinking of the little person that was just starting to form inside there. Meredith then put her hand on top of his. Father, Mother, and Child. The perfect little family.
"I love you Meredith, and I've never been happier in my entire life that I am in this very moment, lying her with you and our baby."
"I love you, Derek Shepherd. And I've never been happier either," she whispered.
With both their hands still resting on Meredith's stomach, Derek leaned forward and kissed her with all that he was worth, not having the words to express the overwhelming joy and love for her that he was feeling. A seemingly insignificant kiss…yet for the two of them, it said everything they were both feeling.
The kiss spoke the love and joy they were feeling, but it spoke more than that too. The kiss spoke of the trust they both had in one another, and of the gratefulness that they felt that they had both made it to this point together, ready to start a family.
"Come on," said Derek, pulling Meredith up along with him.
"Where are we going?" she asked confusedly.
"We're going out to celebrate. Oh, and on the way, we are definitely buying a lottery ticket or two."
Meredith laughed, pulling him in for a kiss. "Think we have a chance at beating the odds and winning?"
Derek smiled. "I know we do," he said, kissing her back.
They ended up at the trailer that night. To most, that would seem odd, but for Meredith and Derek, it was perfect. They ate and talked and laughed and made love. Then they took a walk up to the land, their land, bringing their house plans along with them, and sat underneath the stars, continuing to plan out their future home. The home they would spend the rest of their lives in, where they would continue to cherish each other for the rest of their lives. The home where they would live, laugh, and love. And the home where they would raise their child. Or, who knows, children.
"You know," began Derek, "I can't really get a good image in my head of the layout of our bedroom. I think we need to physically map it out. I think there's some candles back in the trailer."
Meredith giggled, the sound making Derek's heart melt. "Are you making fun of my corniness?"
Derek laughed and kissed her. "Why of course not my lady, what ever would've given you that impression?"
"Shut up," she said in between kisses.
A while later, both of them started to feel the exhaustion creep into their bodies, and despite her protests, Derek carried Meredith bridal style all the way back to the trailer. He gently laid her down upon reaching the bed, and got them both snuggled underneath the covers. Their bodies melted into each other as they let the exhaustion take over their bodies.
"Love you, Derek," whispered Meredith sleepily.
"Love you to, Meredith. And you, Derek Jr."
Meredith glared at him, but the affect of it was ruined by the giggles erupting from her. "We are not naming him that."
"Hm, we'll see about that," said Derek mischievously as he reached out and tickles her sides.
"Derek, stop! Seriously! Stop it! Derek!" she yelled in between giggles. "Alright, alright, I'll consider the name!"
"That's all I ask," he chuckled as Meredith rolled her eyes good naturedly.
"I love you," said Meredith as she snuggled closer into him.
Derek kissed her one final time. "I love you too."
And with that, they both fell asleep in each other's arms, happier than they had ever been in their entire lives.
A/N: I hope y'all liked it! ^_^ Reviews review, oh how I love you…(: Seriously, reviews make me SO happy. Whenever I get the e-mail saying [Review Alert], I get this huge smile on my face, and if I'm in a bad mood, that instantly brightens my day :) But even if you don't review, I'm thankful that you guys even read it! ;D So thanks to my non-reviewers for reading, and SUPER DUPER THANKS to the people who plan to hit that little button and review ;)