Author's note: Written for my buddy (and supaa secret lover man), Edward Crane. I've never tackled actual sex for a HA fic, and I was trying to find a nice medium without the overuse of "manhood" or the vulgarity of "pussy"...although clit slipped through, but what the hell else would she call it? This is Helga, after all, and she can be blunt, besides being flowery. Anyway, hope someone else enjoys.

She twiddled her thumbs while waiting for him to come back from the bathroom. It was their first night "together," and she was extremely nervous, hoping to not ruin it with her usual sardonic chatter. She was still so unsure of everything and had a difficult time convincing herself - even with pinches - that he'd actually liked her. Arnold returning her love was all still so new to her, and yet, she'd been building her entire life toward this moment, hadn't she?

His covers were so soft and cooling against her smooth warm skin, and they smelled pleasantly of his shampoo. She sighed happily into his pillow and hugged it close to her, rubbing her cheek against it while she closed her eyes and pretended that it was her beloved.

"Oh Arnold, my love! It's so kind of you to invite me into your private chambers. I enjoy the time we spend together, if you know what I mean." She winked at the pillow and then stroked the top of it. "You don't mind if I stroke your cheek oh so lovingly, do you?" A snort escaped her mouth as she realized what she'd done. "Well, shit. I didn't mean to sound like Miss Perfect. Let's start over, shall we?" Closing her eyes once more, she smiled sweetly and cuddled into the firm material.

Unfortunately, as her body grazed over the pillow, it hit certain places which only made her skin feel even warmer to the touch.

"Geez, Footballhead. I didn't know you want it so badly!" she groaned into Arnold's mattress.

"Want what so badly, Helga?"

Her mind was so focused on the pretending that she still hadn't noticed that he had cracked his door open and was peeking in. She hit a certain spot again, and it was like electricity was coursing through her blood, heating her up. "Arnold, this is a bad time to play coy with me!" She rubbed against the pillow frantically.

"Who's playing coy? And what are you doing with my pillows?"

Slowly, her eyes opened and focused on the white object beneath her who was very much not the boy she had thought it was. "Uh...oh. Oops?" She sat up and rubbed the back of her head; a nervous laugh escaped her lips. "So are you ready? Do you have them on?"

"Why would I be standing here if I didn't?" he grumbled.

"Well, you're still behind the damn door, so how am I supposed to know?" she irritably shot back and then added, "Sweety."

"It's embarrassing, Helga! This is like the bunny pajamas thing all over again. You know that gave me nightmares for years!"

"But you looked so cute in them," she pouted, "so I thought you'd look especially hot in these."

The door creaked open a little more. "Really?" his voice broke.

She gripped the pillow for all she was worth. Just a few more seconds, and she'd see him in all of his near-adulthood glory! Damn, she had dreamed about this very moment since she hit puberty! "Yeah, really! Just c'mon already! I can't wait anymore!"

The door opened the rest of the way, and there he stood in those cute pair of black silk boxers with little pink hearts on them that she procured from Spencers just a few days before. The sight of his chest with just a small patch of blond fuzz in the middle made saliva pool in the bottom of her mouth. Her girlhood was definitely trembling, and as she started to say something sexy, giggles came out instead.

Shit, she was mortified! Why the hell was she laughing at him? He'd went through all of this trouble for her and then...oh God, he looked a little-

"Did you buy these just to laugh at me? Do you get your kicks this way?" His face was bright red from humiliation. Hands formed angry fists at his sides as he yelled, "You've never really changed, have-"

Her quivering lips met his, and suddenly, the rage in his heart shifted on him, moving south and forming something entirely different. Her hands gently moved through his hair, almost hesitantly, and then she stopped to look at him. "I'm sorry. I don't know why that happened. I'm just really anxious, I guess." She frowned and bit her lower lip in frustration. "I was trying to be all cool and say you look damn hot, but it just didn't come out that-"

And like that, his mouth was on hers.

Their tongues collided, thrashing wildly against each other. She threw her arms around him again, bringing him closer, and all he could think about was that her breasts were pushing against him in a really, really pleasant way, and if they didn't stop soon, he was going to screw everything up. He moved them over to his bed and pushed her away from him, panting slightly.

She landed with a loud plop and protesting from his box springs. "What was that for?" His eyes traveled down to the tent in his boxers and hers followed. A curious little thought, just silly really, popped into her head, and she grinned up at him before quickly placing a kiss right there on the silky fabric.

He nearly choked on his tongue.

"Feels good?"

He opened his eyes and glanced down at her, expecting to see her usual wicked smirk on her face, but he was surprised when wide-eye innocence stared back up at him. Shaking the haze from his head, he answered huskily, "Yeah."

She cocked her head and blushed, whispering, "Would you like me to do more?"

He nodded dumbly at her, not sure would follow. Gerald and Sid had talked about this sort of stuff with him, but never in a million years would he have expected her to do this kind of thing.

"Let me know if it doesn't feel right or whatever. I kind of watched some of Bob's old porn so I have an idea of what to do." She started to pull the bow from her hair, but something deep inside of him made him reach out to stop her.

"Don't take it out. I like your bow."

She nodded and then lowered herself to the ground. As she peered up at him shyly, a warm sensation traveled from his heart to the pit of his belly. There could be nothing as erotic as Helga Pataki in a sheer pink tank top and her white ruffled boyshorts on her knees in front of him. A hint of nipple pressed firmly against the cotton.

The sight of it made him groan.

"Are you OK?" she asked warily.

He chuckled and ran a shaking hand through his hair. "I'm fine. It's just...you're so beautiful, Helga."

Her heart stopped beating, she was sure. Just to hear him say those words to her had her struggling for air. What had she done right with her life to catch his eye? How could she be so lucky to be in the presence of a living god? Why did he choose her when there were so many more girls out there, more lovely than her?

She coughed into her fist, embarrassed by his kindness, and grabbed the hem of his boxers. Sucking in a deep breath of courage, she pulled them down slowly. His legs trembled anxiously as her hands slipped down them. "Well, we now know that the carpet matches the drapes," she giggled.

"Helga!" he admonished but then joined her infectious laughter.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself." Her eyes widened slightly as she gazed at him. There was a cute small patch of blond hairs that matched the ones she'd seen on his chest. She ran her fingers over them and watched excitedly as he twitched. "Oh...oh wow. I didn't know it could move on its own like that. That's kind of cool. Mine doesn't do that."

He rolled his eyes impatiently. Couldn't she tell that he was going to burst soon? "Yeah, it does that." He was about to ask her if she was too nervous to do this when suddenly, everything felt like heaven. Her warm mouth engulfed the tip and then slid down the shaft. When she neared the end, she gagged and sputtered for a minute before her body finally calmed down. Oh my God, this was what Gerald called "deep-throating," right?

Wow, she couldn't believe she had just done that! It was definitely harder than it looked. No pun intended, of course. She made her way back up and let him pop out of her mouth. Her eyes traveled upward, watching for any sign that he was enjoying himself.

His half-lidded gaze and a huge grin stared back at her. Hesitantly, he placed his right hand on her head, and she sighed when she felt the weight of it against her. Shit, she had dreamed about this so many times, and now it was happening finally after so many damn years of waiting! With an aroused growl, she grabbed his ass and took him in again, bobbing up and down quickly as he mewled in delight.

His hands fisted her hair, and he moaned loudly. "Oh God, please don't stop!"

She snickered to herself. Of course, she didn't intend to stop! Hearing her beloved howl like a wounded animal looking for sweet release while he ground himself into her was beyond her wildest dreams. No thought, no daydream...nothing had prepared her for this moment. Her underwear was so slick with her excitement, and she whined irritably, wishing she could touch herself or have him touch her or...God, just something needed to be touching her!

His eyes closed, almost painfully, as he felt it build up to the point where he couldn't take anymore. This was definitely something different, something great. Hot damn, all of the times he'd gotten himself off couldn't even compare to this! Thoughts of begging her to do it again and again fluttered through his brain as liquid fire coursed through him and into her.

Had he just grown bigger? Was that even possible? God, she was so hot, and the room was so damn hot, and God, she just need to slide a finger down there to relieve some heat!

As she frantically jammed her hand into her underwear, she heard him shout her name and felt him pull her hair, and then a salty substance filled her mouth.

Oh God, the delicious nectar of Arnold! Such wonderful ambrosia! She'd never thought he'd taste this good! Not after hearing Rhonda bitch about Curly tasting so bitter.

After his erratic panting stopped, he looked down bashfully to tell her she didn't need to swallow that stuff and then almost hardened on the spot. OK, so Helga going down on him wasn't the most erotic thing he'd seen. No, seeing her whimper and twist in delirious abandon on the floor with her fingers rubbing patterns beneath her panties certainly took its place.

She felt herself plucked from the floor and thrown onto the mattress, and she opened her eyes in confusion. "What are you doing?"

The sexiest smile she'd ever laid eyes on adorned his handsome face. "Making you feel as good as I just did." He practically ripped her boyshorts off and threw them to the side, then forced her legs apart and lowered himself between her legs. He paused momentarily at the tufts of blond curls on her mound, and mumbled thoughtfully, "Well, we know the carpet matches the drapes."

Her breath hitched in her throat. Oh my God, Arnold was staring at her right there, and she felt like she could just die!

His tongue flicked her clit a few times and then trailed lower before thrusting inside of her. Her body jerked, and he used his arms to hold her securely to the bed to protect himself from getting hit by her flailing legs. He pushed his tongue inside of her again and hummed happily. "You taste kind of sweet."

She gripped the sheets roughly and let out an agitated sigh. "You're torturing me, you know!"

He smirked. "Oh, I'm sorry. Let me do something about that." He shoved his index finger inside, and she gasped at the odd feeling. Slowly, he slid it out and then back in. After a contented moan from her, he lapped at her again.

Oh man, he was doing such glorious things to her, but fuck, she had to stop him or else something really awkward was about to happen! She tried pulling away from him, but it was no use, so she resorted to pleading with him. "Arnold...Arnold, please! You've got to quit that or I'm going to-"

He stopped licking her and increased the speed at which he pleasured her. Her moans grew louder and higher-pitched. "Or you're going to what, Helga?" he whispered hoarsely. God, it was amazing how much sticky wetness was streaming out of her.

She jerked into the air again, her back tightening violently as she screamed, "Oh God!"

More wetness shot up his arm as he continued pumping in and out of her. It's like the more he did that, the more that she soaked him. When she started to cry softly, he panicked and quickly took his finger out of her. "Crap! Helga, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you! Are you all right?"

She rolled away from him and uttered dejectedly, "That wasn't supposed to happen."

He moved toward her and pulled her to him. "What wasn't supposed to happen? What was that? Is that what it's like for girls?"

She closed her eyes and cuddled into his chest. "No, not usually. I'm just...different." She sniffed and rubbed the tears from her face. "It...I...not every girl can do it. I was afraid you'd hate me...you'd think I just peed on you or something."

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head. "That was awesome. It was all...I don't even know how to describe how it all was." He hugged her tightly. "It was amazing. You're amazing. You can't even begin to know how much I love you."

She grinned cheekily at him, obviously back to her former confident attitude . "Of course I'm amazing! You're just now figuring this out, Footballhead?"

"You just had to bring out that old nickname?"

She snorted. "At least now I can say that it applies to more than just one head."

"Whatever you say, Unibrow."

"Hey, I pluck that sucker on a regular basis, I'll have you know!" she cried indignantly and punched him in the bicep. After a few quiet seconds, she piped up again. "Hey, Arnold?"

"What?" he mumbled grouchily as he held his injured appendage.

"When can we have sex?"

"When you stop hitting people," he quipped. She punched him again playfully for good measure.