I Need a Superman
Everything just happened so fast. It was like running through the years, all the times she'd been there for us. And it got me thinking: I'm not Superman.
I remember the day it happened, too. We'd all been captured together for the first time. We were in solitary confinement chambers, all alone. That killed poor little Cream, just barely six at the time. It made me think how much she'd grown in the past years. It seemed like just yesterday she was a baby in my arms.
Our cells were close, hers and mine. We could talk softly through the thick stone walls separating us, each one pressed against it in a sort of hug, trying to feel the other's warmth through the barrier. I had to be her blanket, the father she'd never known, as she cried through the long nights. Those tears hurt worse than any bruise, cut, or burn that had ever damaged me.
It was like dying and coming back to life every morning. I slept for the three hours she did, after crying herself to sleep. Poor thing. But, I was powerless to stop Eggman's cruelty for once.
That killed me, too.
We did get out, eventually. I found a loophole in the Doctor's plans and helped my friends escape. We'd been living on gruel and bread, so we were all kind of skeletal-looking. Amy shivered when I broke through her cell with my spinball. She must've thought I was Shadow, because she paused before killing me in a hug.
I'll never forget the critical look in her eyes.
Cream held my hand whenever she could, begging to be in my arms. I couldn't hold her, because my hands were busy saving the others. But, I did comfort her. "We'll find your mother, Cream. I promise." I kept saying to her, and she nodded, as she cut off my circulation in the wrist closest to her.
But, I never found her mother.
We searched the whole place (Eggman's "Egg Palace", actually) for hours. I had all able-bodied members take turns watching Cream while the rest of us looked. Night came on fast, as did my shift. I relieved Knuckles and scooped Cream into my arms. Vanilla had trusted Cream's life to me countless times. Now, everything seemed crazy, wrong, and overturned like an upside-down doll house, as Cream trusted Vanilla's life to me.
If I failed…I shuddered under her even to think of that possibility.
Cream was tired, despite her worry. She laid her head on my chest, snuggling to find the warmth under my chin. I held her close in a warm embrace, what I couldn't give her through the stone walls of my recent imprisonment. She began to sift through my fur as a distraction, and I was unwillingly relaxing to it.
Despite my strength and power, I was still a teenager at the time. And my legs ached from running helter-skelter through the palace without taking so much as a breath. My lungs were burning dully from lack of oxygen. I longed to sit, to rest, to sleep…but I wouldn't. Not until Vanilla was found. Cream's small, beaten voice startled me.
"Mother's not coming back, is she?"
I sighed, struck across the heart by her question, pulling her away so I could look at her properly. "I don't know, Cream." I answered powerlessly, attempting to keep my voice level. I wouldn't ever admit it, but Vanilla was like my mother, too. I don't think Cream has told a soul yet that I've spent more nights in her house than even Amy! "But, I'll keep looking until I find her. I promise. We're all going home tonight."
Cream was losing hope; I could see it in her eyes. "Mother's dead, I can feel it." She said softly. A tear fell down her cheek.
Tears hurt me a lot, more than most things. "No, no, don't cry." I soothed, wiping away her tears with my finger while balancing her with my other hand. "You'll never be alone, Cream. I can promise you that. And, we'll find her. Don't fret. We'll find her." But I, like Cream, knew the truth. Prison camps like these do that to you.
Vanilla wasn't coming back. She was dead.
But why did we keep the hope alive? Why did I lie to Cream about her mother?
I did it in case somewhere deep down, she still had hope. Hope in very young children is something almost impossible to crush.
And, I wanted her to have that hope. Because if she lost that, I, too, would lose my hope. The will to keep looking, the will to keep running through my legs ached and my lungs burned like fire.
The will to keep going.
One by one, my friends returned to where I was. No trace of Vanilla. Vector was also hit really hard by this conjecture, and I sensed that he had something for Cream's mom. We were all starving, our stomach growls echoing through the darkness, but no one breathed a word of it. Gnawing hunger struck me, clawing at my insides with a ferocity my outsides had never known, especially with a child so close. True, for Cream was resting under my chin, eyes fixed upon empty space.
I think she knew how much I was suffering.
Shadow was the last to return from his search. And he brought terrible news.
"I looked into the records." He still knew the passwords for Eggman's data bases. All eyes fixed upon him, even Cream's, as we gathered around to hear. "She was recorded as a recent death. It seems that Eggman tortured her, trying to find out the weaknesses of-guess who." Stern eyes fluctuated to me. Cream reached up to touch a tear no one else could see with her finger.
"But she wouldn't give them away." Shadow droned on, trying his best to sound emotionless. "So he drowned her and disposed of the body. It didn't say where." The dark hedgehog hung his head. It hurt him, too, to lose someone. "I'm sorry." In a wisp of black wind, he was gone.
That was Shadow for you. He, unlike myself, had the liberty to run from sadness. While I had ties to friends, and that was certainly better than going it alone, those same ties held me to them in times of trouble.
Shadow had no such ties, and therefore could run away from sorrow if he wished. While I was stuck, the sole confident, the tree soaking everyone's tears into my roots.
Gradually, everyone turned to gaze at me, eyes fixated on me, but not looking at me. They were focused on something deeper, something past me that I couldn't comprehend. "What do we do, Sonic?" Knuckles asked.
Cream's sobs were muffled against my chest. I looked down at her briefly before lifting my head to address the crowd. "We go home." I replied, my voice beaten. "The funeral service will be tomorrow. We're all too tired now to hold it. Try to get home and replenish your strength. Eat. Sleep." I sighed, hugging Cream tightly. "I'll stay with her."
Why no one else offered to stay with me, I had no idea. Even Amy seemed to want to leave this job to me. I never understood until later.
In her own way, Cream had told them that she needed me, and me alone, tonight.
I ran off for Cream's house, tears falling out behind me like bitter raindrops. Cream was alone now, just like the rest of us. And I was alone again.
When we got to her house, I told Cream to go upstairs and take a bath while I fixed dinner. Cream nodded, and plodded up the stairs, turning on lights as she went. After a few minutes of rummaging through the fridge and coming up empty, I followed.
Cream was having trouble getting into the tub. I lifted her gently into the warm water and removed my gloves. She handed me a washcloth and we began to wash each other, she gently running soapy water over the scrapes and burns on my arms. I washed her quietly, gently. We had nothing to say to each other. A pair of saddened brown eyes said all they wanted to me, and I was sure that worked both ways.
After her bath, I left her alone to dress while I attempted to feed her. She needed her strength. My empty stomach was rubbing up against my ribcage also, and though I yearned for a warm, filling meal, Cream was more important now. I fixed some pasta mournfully, stirring the noodles in silence. During that time, Cream came down the stairs. Cheese was behind her. He'd gotten left behind during the capture.
"It's scary." Cream whispered. Her first words to me since we'd gotten here. "It doesn't feel like home."
So as not to startle her, I walked the short distance towards her, fell upon one knee, and hugged her. "I know." I answered, remembering the emptiness of my own house many years before. "I know." She was tugging at my heartstrings without knowing. My voice was sad, beaten, and I knew it.
Her arms hugged me back and I brought her to my level, shifting her weight to one arm. She watched me stir the noodles, and then put her hand over mine. "Please don't cry, Sonic." She told me. "I can't lose you, too."
Her words surprised me, and that was when I understood why Amy and the others had stayed away. In her own quiet way, Cream had told them of the relationship we shared. I was not aware that she felt the connection like I did, but now I knew for sure.
I was her older brother, her light, and the only thing close to a father she'd ever known.
"You won't lose me, Cream." I vowed. "You won't. Not ever."
Her lips touched my cheek tenderly. "I love you, big brother." She said with a smile.
I kissed her forehead. "I love you too, Cream."
Cream sat in my lap as she ate. I wanted to make sure she would, but I had no plate of my own. My empty belly ached and I was weighed down by the heaviness of my hunger. The house was so quiet, I could hear the gurgling of my stomach.
Cream heard it, too. She hopped off my lap and took a fork from the drawer by the sink. She then opened my fingers and closed them over the fork. "Eat." She said sternly as she climbed back into my lap.
"Had enough?" I teased.
Cream leaned into my shoulder and shook her head. "Please eat, Sonic. I won't lose you."
Why did she keep saying that? It made everything harder on my mourning heart. But, I was hungry nonetheless, so I twirled the long, thin noodles over my fork and put them in my mouth. They tasted pretty good, especially to an empty stomach. I continued to eat, letting Cream take some, too.
When we'd finished, I put the plate in the sink and lifted her into my arms again. "Feel better?" I asked.
She nodded. "You?"
"A little." I admitted, smiling. "Enough to keep me with you for tonight." I would have to make some more food for myself, for I was still hungry. But, I could keep silent vigil over Cream until she fell asleep. I owed her that.
She smiled back. We went upstairs to her room and I tucked her in under the handmade quilt. She snuggled under the sheets, her brown eyes peeking over the covers. Her oversized ears twitched as I came to sit beside her.
"Can you sing to me?" Cream asked.
"Of course." I answered, reaching for my guitar, which found a home here in Cream's room. I spent a few minutes tuning it while she watched.
"Can you teach me how to play?"
"Guitar?" I wondered, not taking my eyes off the strings.
"Yeah."
I smiled. "One of these days. What would you like me to sing?"
"Mother used to sing me one. Do you remember?"
Of course I did! I would've rolled around in mud until I was brown if I forgot! I began to play my guitar softly, mimicking the tune. "If I could talk like the rain, oh what sweet things I'd say! I'd tell it everything about my day today. I'd sing and dance and play, and whisper all my dreams. When down came the rain, out I'd go to play. If I could talk like the rain, I'd let it sing to me. And go to sleep, and always keep, its sweet, sweet lullaby."
That did the trick. Cream was fast asleep.
I smiled, placing the old red guitar to the side and tiptoeing out of the room. I left the door open for her, in case she needed me, and retreated back downstairs.
Carelessly, I looked in the mirror hanging over the couch. In the soft blue moonlight, I saw my hollowed out eyes staring back at me. The fast of my recent capture left my cheekbones stark against the rest of my body, struck thin by famine. I shivered, running my frayed gloves down my chest and belly, feeling my bony hips. Ugh.
As horrible as I felt about Vanilla's death, my body's state called for immediate gratification, and I was not one to ignore such a call.
I warmed the cold pasta in Vanilla's microwave and stared out at the moon. After breakfast, it would be my duty to prepare Cream for the funeral. Even I would have to hide my playful cobalt color under a shroud of mourning. It would fall on me to explain to Cream that this house was hers, and hers alone. It was hers to do with as she pleased, to have whomever visit and sleep over. Like me, like Amy, like the rest of us, she was now on her own.
The responsibility I had as the bearer of bad news, the hated messenger, descended on me like being hit by a truck.
I fell to my knees, clasping my hands in prayer for the first time in ten years, praying to God to take this burden off my shoulders. Being Superman isn't all it's cut out to be, you see. While a hero, he also bears the responsibility of comforting those in need, and telling those he loves they've lost someone they love.
Life is hard,
But so is everything.
Give my regards to a man who cares.
If I succeed,
I will save my fellow man.
And if I fail,
I'll just stand and stare.
I prayed until my whispers turned to sobs and the prayers I knew by heart turned to tears. I was feeling pretty deep-fried, pretty done. My heart felt like it was about to explode. Nothing could make this moment worse.
"Sonic?"
As usual, I spoke too soon. Still on my knees, I turned to face my silent visitor. The microwave now read "END" on its surface.
Cream stood before me, her brown eyes wide in surprise. No one had ever seen me cry, not since I was a mere child in my mother's arms. Of course, I'd been crying inside about things for years, because men never show their tears, but never had I exposed them. I felt naked at this point, staring at her like a deer in headlights.
"Cream, I…uh…" I had no words, my voice shaky and uncertain. My insides wound themselves into a knot the more I thought about what her eyes were seeing. Weakness, hopelessness…things that I never wanted her to feel, despite the loss she'd experienced. Tears escaped my eyes upon sight of her, and I backhanded my eyes in an attempt to dry them.
"Sonic." Her voice was tender as she drew near me, angelic in a flowing white nightgown dancing around her ankles, unreal to me as she sashayed towards me. Her white veiled arms draped around my neck, her head resting on my shoulder. "Don't cry, Sonic. It's going to be okay. Don't cry, Sonic. Don't cry." Her voice was strong, stronger than I'd ever heard it speak before to anyone. Conviction held her childish titter in a vice brought on by this tragedy.
"Cream, I...I never…" I closed my eyes against the prickle of tears there, feeling her fingers caress my face, wiping away the droplets of water trickling down my cheeks.
"Shh." Cream answered, snuggling into an embrace I slowly succumbed to. "I know, I know. Please stop crying, Sonic. It's okay. Don't cry." These were the only words she had (I knew, because she kept repeating them over and over again), but they touched me more than any other words could. Not because I was attracted to her, but because she was merely a child, and yet she understood the situation not just through her own eyes, but through mine as well.
I stood and hugged her against me, taking the pasta out of the microwave. I was still starving. I think she sensed this better than me, as I sat her on the counter and leaned against it beside her kicking feet, eating silently. Owls and nightingales sharing the airspace tonight sang together hymns of praise to the night around them. Cream smiled, turning to look at the moon.
"What's going to happen tomorrow?" Her eyes didn't meet mine as I turned to look at her, swallowing thickly.
There was a lump in my throat as I spoke. "I'm going to make breakfast for us, and then we'll dress all in black and I'll go out and prepare the casket with Tails and Amy and Vector."
"Can I come?" She was still far off, but as she turned to look at me, I knew she could handle being on her own.
"Yes." I found myself saying.
We were silent, she watching me eat. "Can I make breakfast?" She tittered at long last, like a bird singing from her nest.
"Do you think you can?" I teased.
"I can!" She argued. "Mother-" She realized what she was saying and her face contorted with a fresh batch of tears. I set aside my meal and took her into my arms. I took a deep breath, letting my lungs fill with oxygen, before I sped off into the wind to calm her down, looking for answers to questions I didn't know.
Morning came fast for me. It made me realize how strange a bed felt to me, as I'd gotten in beside her, she using my chest as a pillow.
I hoped that I was warm enough for her. For unknown reasons, my body was so harsh and bitter freezing cold when I felt under the weather. I didn't want her to catch cold from snuggling with me.
As I stroked her ears, I found that the soft mattress below me and the soothing voice of Cream's breath in sleep made me uneasy. I had no trust for this sudden comfort after being too long without it, and I wondered if the others felt the same. Did I doze? Well, at one point I must've. Cream settled me, for some reason. Her voice could call me from even the deepest sleep, her cry of fright or pain could shake me and tear me apart, and her calm soft breath could lull me to sleep, even if I was in pain.
Again, I felt no attraction to her. Only that she completed me, like a daughter completes a father. My broken little family, those I cared for the most, the ones under my direct jurisdiction, made me whole. It gave me yet another reason to exist.
And another reason not to take my own life.
I rose from her bed with first light, rummaging through her closet as quietly as I could muster, looking for something suitable for her to wear. I dreaded locating my own black jacket and tie as I paged through her things.
I had no idea she was watching me. I felt no soft, mournful brown eyes burrowing into my back, no accelerated breathing, no movement. I was smoothing my fingers (now having discarded the uncomfortable burned gloves) over a black lace dress with a silk slip underneath and black bows to tie her ears with. I was about to dig around for shoes when she surprised me.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
I almost fell into the closet out of surprise. "Whoa, Cream!" I turned around, smoothing my ruffled quills down. "You scared me!"
"Sorry." Murmured the light orange rabbit apologetically. "I just wanted to know if you wanted anything in particular for breakfast." Her tone of voice was cheerful. I couldn't help but smile.
"Anything you want is fine." I answered as she hopped out of bed and slipped on the small slippers at the foot of her bed. I was reminded that I usually didn't eat too much in the morning. Breakfast foods usually didn't sit well in my stomach when I was running too early in the morning. But, of course, my recent fast left me desiring any kind of food despite the consequences. I wanted to be warm, as I was sure the girls would be hanging on me today.
I set the dress out for Cream to change into later and traveled the short ten miles to my house to pick up my own garb. Which I didn't actually do for quite a while. I zoned out halfway there and ended up getting lost in two deserts and three forests.
By the time I got back, the house was filled with the smell of pancakes and it was almost time for the funeral. Cream was already dressed, so I had to do some serious speed eating (which was kind of like eating at a normal pace for me) and get ready myself. Soon, I would have to meet Tails, Amy, and Vector to prepare the casket. Since the body was MIA, the coffin would be empty. But more would be buried there then just an empty box.
Love and hope and words, a caring voice, a quiet noise in the background. Vanilla's very soul would be buried there.
The pancakes stuck to my throat. I felt like I shouldn't be eating. But, I was conscious of Cream's eyes, watching me as she tied and re-tied her bow for something to do. Cheese was beside her, his red bow replaced by a black one. "Chao, chao." He chirped mournfully, landing in Cream's arms.
"I know." Cream soothed, stroking him as he reclined in her lap. "I know."
Chao was one of the few languages I had a vague understanding of at best. I paid little attention as I forced myself to take a bite, to swallow, to enjoy my breakfast even! It was a constant reminder that Vanilla would've hated to see me sad. And, life would go on, eventually. Sure Cream would be wearing black for quite a while, as I once did in my youth, but it would pass. Memories would be left to those who knew her best, and life would pass on by like a summer breeze again.
I swallowed the rest of what I would be eating and crossed to Cream. I pressed my forehead close to hers, looking into her soft brown eyes with my emerald green ones. I was waiting for her to say that my forehead was warm, but she didn't. I sighed and began. "Cream, is-"
"Your forehead's hot." Cream interrupted, her mouth changing from no emotion to a slight frown. "Are you okay?"
I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled away from her. "Yeah." I answered, glad that I was warmer. I couldn't force myself to eat another bite, and besides, it was time to go. "Are you ready?" I asked, tossing her a small smile.
Cream nodded, reaching her arms out for me and I melted into them, lifting her against my waist and hugging her to my curves. "Hang on tight." I instructed before whizzing through the open door and down the path leading to the outside world.
The funeral was disheartening. The oldest among us was sobbing. Vector.
Though his sobs were soft, as a man's tend to be, we could all hear them. Because the same sobs rose in all of our chests, too. I felt my eyes water at the nostalgic words I heard from the pastor, but I knew I had to be strong.
For Cream. For all of us.
Amy was beside me, too, leaning on my shoulder and hugging Cream. The rabbit, however, hid her tears in my fur and refused to leave my arms, even when Amy offered to take her.
"Cream, you sure you don't want to give Sonic a break?" She asked at long last as the casket was lowered into the ground. Rouge, though she was usually strong, was crying into Knuckles' shoulder. I nodded to him, and he nodded back. We understood our roles as consolers.
"It's no trouble." I whispered, though to Cream or Amy I had no idea. Perhaps to the two of them?
Cream hesitated, and then shook her head. "I wanna stay with Sonic." She insisted, her voice shaky with her tears.
"Okay then." Amy replied softly, giving the two of us a hug and then running off to help the Chaotix comfort Vector.
Cream and I were the sole mourners around the grave right now.
The tears were gone from my eyes. I could only cry so much for everyone's sake. But my shoulder was still wet from Cream's. "You're going to stain my jacket." I teased.
She sighed and giggled a bit. "Who cares? Hopefully you won't need it for a while." She replied, lifting her head and offering me a smile.
I looked up into the sunny sky. Something in this picture doesn't belong. There were no birds singing, no bugs trying to pester us, very little wind, tears…the sun was out of place. The beautiful day itself was out of place in this sad time. Her eyes followed mine until we were both staring up into the sky.
"She's up there somewhere." Cream murmured, leaning closer to my ear. "Do you believe that?"
I kissed her on the cheek before blinking away the last tear of the day. "Yes." I told her. "Yes."
END