Author's Note: Just a short speculation piece for 7.09 Internal Affairs (which will probably be one of those milestone episodes).
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
ALLEGIANCE
She finally gets to watch him sleep. It's definitely not the first time but after spending the nights of the past week alone (in his bed, in his house that's practically theirs...) she still needs to remind her subconscious that he's really right there in bed with her. Finally.
Deeks' is officially cleared from the murder charges and after what's been one of the worst few days of her life, Kensi wants to believe it's finally over. The constant looking over their shoulders, walking on eggshells and constantly wondering when hell is going to break loose.
But she has a lingering feeling that it's not over at all.
He might no longer be suspected of murder but it doesn't matter, because their entire world has been turned upside down, scrutinized and judged. If his relation to the LAPD was bad before, it's nothing compared to now. Now it's practically non-existent. And they probably also have a few things to sort out with NCIS after all this finally, hopefully blows over.
Kensi is insanely grateful for the fact that he'd managed to fall asleep at all tonight. When she'd gone to pick him up earlier, she had feared an encore of what had followed his ordeal with Sidorov. But his face looks relaxed and his breaths are even. No nightmares. At least not yet...
She hates that she can't help but expect the worst. She she be grateful, embrace the sense of making it out on the other side of all this. But they've faced through so many horrors both together and apart, so Kensi knows better than to think otherwise.
Now she studies his face closer than she thinks she ever has before. A face she knows better than anyone else's. As she looks at him now, cheek buried into his pillow and resting so close to hers that she can feel his steady breaths fan across her face, she realizes that he looks...older. Bags are visible under his eyes and new lines seem to have appeared around his eyes and mouth. Lines running deeper than they did before.
Tears prick her eyes because it's just not fair. Together with her father, he's the best man she's ever known. He's gone to hell and back multiple times, even before they met, and he's always come out on the other side still full of life, hope and with an open heart.
Kensi has no idea how he does it, time after time. How he's still capable of being the selfless person he is after everything he's been put through. Life has been nothing but a challenge for Marty Deeks and yet he never hesitates to put other people before himself. To work even harder to help others.
Suddenly, she can't stand not touching him, she just needs to be close so she reaches out to gently run a finger along his scruffy jaw. The feeling of his warm skin under her fingertip comforts her, if only a little bit, but her gentle ministrations are enough to rouse him from sleep and a few moments later he blinks awake, eyes locking on hers across the small amount of space between them.
For a long moment, they just look at each other and it hits her like it always does when she looks into his eyes. How they always reveal so much to her. It sounds like such a cliche but after over five years by his side, one look can tell her so much than words can.
And tonight, despite being clouded by sleep, these past days and the traces of fear (she just hates that he even for a second thought she wouldn't be on his side in this), there's still so much love for her shining in his eyes. Devotion and conviction that they can still make this work.
No matter what.
No matter what LAPD does next. No matter what their positions with NCIS will be.
She doesn't want him to believe that their job is the only thing binds them and will continue to be what actually keeps them together. Because it's not. This is on a personal level. Has been for longer than either of them probably knows.
He stares at her, searching her face for traces of fear or doubt like he has for the past weeks, and it hits Kensi square in the chest, making breathing just a little bit harder.
Their story is already full of so much doubt, insecurities and misunderstandings and it hurts to think about the possibility that he's still not entirely certain where he stands with her. They should be past that by now... Sure, they've taken detour after detour to be where they are right now. Facing down hardships normal people can't even fathom getting through. She doesn't want to be the reason for his doubts anymore. It's not fair.
If these past months with IA looming over their heads has taught her something it's that they both deserve so much more than what their jobs seem to be able to offer. Kensi still loves her job, her loyalty is still with the agency but the past week has proved to her that there is more to life than that. Other things to prioritize before her career.
She's also come to realize that their thing really does transcend the part of their identities that consist of their jobs. Staring into his face now, open and so expressive, it reminds her of all this once again.
All in.
Because they are going to figure this out as well. They always do.
She finally opens her mouth to speak because she's finally found comprehensive words (truths) to all those thoughts and emotions that have whirled inside her head for a long time now.
She sees how he swallows thickly, like he's bracing himself for the impact of whatever bomb she's about to drop, as if thinking she might finally shatter the only remaining part of his life that's not been crushed under the weight of the IA investigation and his subsequent arrest.
Kensi knows she's probably insane for doing this now, the timing is truly awful, but he needs some truth (and so does she) after being kept in the dark by people he used to trust to some extent.
He closes his eyes for a moment and when they open Kensi can see dread and sadness in them and it hurts her like nothing else ever has. No, Deeks. It's okay...Just hear me out.
The display of grief and utter vulnerability in his eyes become the last drop to push her over the edge, toward something she won't be able to take back. Won't want to take back either.
By now, tears are lining his beautiful blue eyes and Kensi knows they will probably escape and run down his face the moment she speaks and prays that the truth is the right thing to go for, because she has to say something.
Say what she means.
So she does.
"Marry me."
End note:
And that's it. Sorry if I led you astray there for a while. Like I would ever break them up...
Although I have to say that I'm usually against this; how fan fiction tends to jump headfirst into marriage, children and happily ever afters. Of course I'm a bit of a sucker for romance and fluffy pieces to some extent, but the way this show is going now and the way these characters have lived so far, I'm a bit reluctant to write such piece. I'm all about the journey. The changes, the struggles and the hard work behind a really solid relationship or friendship.
But this piece is actually loosely based on personal experience so I decided to make an exception.
So. To my very own personal Marty Deeks - you and me are my ultimate OTP.
Thank for reading. Reviews are everything.