Read It and Weep
A/N: This is basically just a crack fic, but I had fun with it. It's set towards the end of season six. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own House MD!
Wilson stretched with a yawn, wishing he didn't have so much paperwork piling up. That's what I get for taking the weekend off, he thought dismally.
His eyes tired from squinting down at the small lettering on the medical forms, he decided against his better judgment that he needed a break. Pushing himself out of his desk chair, he headed to the balcony.
Sliding open his glass office door, he stepped into the pleasant spring sunlight, taking a large breath of the fragrant air. It was just another late April morning. He leaned on the barrier of the balcony, staring over the university grounds in an attempt to clear his head.
A nagging thought suddenly bugged at the edge of his thoughts. He hadn't seen House all day. He had assumed the older doctor had left their loft before Wilson had awoken, which he did on a rare occasion or two, but House always popped up for coffee around ten or eleven... he hadn't today, and it was almost noon.
Might as well check on him, Wilson decided with a shrug. Standing up straight, he hopped over the barrier that divided their separate balconies and peaked into House's office.
To his relief, House was sitting at his desk, staring intensely at his computer. He peered through the differential room window and saw no sign of House's team. Interesting... he looked back at House. Judging by the obvious lack of hand in his pants, he wasn't watching porn. What had him so captivated? His friend's brow was furrowed, and his blue eyes glimmered with curiosity. Glancing back at his office, he figured he could afford a few minutes to chat with House.
Sliding open House's door, Wilson stepped into his office. House's eyes darted briefly to Wilson before refocusing on the computer screen.
"Good, you're here. I was just about to come get you," he mumbled, pressing his lips against his cane. Wilson stepped closer and leaned over House's shoulder.
"Why?" he asked, peering at the computer screen. It was a white screen with black text. House was reading something. House didn't respond, so Wilson began to read over House's shoulder.
"It seemed as though House was cursed to lose anyone he began to care for, even for a second, and Wilson would be no different. He had lost Stacy. He had lost Lydia. He had lost Cameron. He had basically lost Cuddy, only she remained as a painful visual reminder of what could have been."
Wilson arched an eyebrow, his mouth hanging open slightly.
"House... did you write this?" he asked. Who else could know about his friend's brief affair with Lydia? House continued to stare in both awe and fear at the computer.
"No. I didn't," House said quietly. Wilson continued reading.
"Smiling bitterly, he drained the rest of his glass. Yes, House would be alone someday, and it would be permanent. There would be no breaks. It would just be this. Sitting alone in his apartment, working his way through another bottle. Perhaps he deserved it, he mused to himself. Had he really done anything to earn the people he had cared about? He had resented Stacy after his infarction, pushed her away. When she came back years later, he mirrored his previous actions. He had rejected Cameron's moves towards him, despite how he felt about her. And then, just when she had achieved happiness (or some facade of it) she realized that House had ruined the man she loved."
"House," Wilson said, eyes wide. "What is this?"
"Fanfiction," he answered, horror-struck.
"Which is...?" Wilson asked, leaning on the side of House's desk. House finally tore his eyes away from the computer.
"A website where people write stories based off of movies, TV shows, comics, cartoons, books, plays, and anime," he stated. Wilson raised an eyebrow. "I looked it up on Wikipedia."
"That's great, but why is there a story that contains your personal thoughts on there?" he asked.
"There are thousands of stories about me on here! About you! About us, the hospital..." House gawked in amazement at the computer.
"House, why the hell would people write stories about us?"
"I have no idea. I don't even know how these people know about us. In the medical community we're famous, but other than that we're essentially unremarkable." He shrugged.
"You're screwing with me. There's no way people could know about our lives, let alone write thousands of stories about them," Wilson said, moving to head out the door. He didn't have time for House's games today.
"Wait, wait, look!" House said quickly. "I'm not screwing with you, I swear. Just look here." He pointed at his computer screen. Sighing, Wilson returned to his side. "Watch this." House typed 'House' into the search bar.
57,933 results.
"House, you do realize your last name is a noun, right?" Wilson asked, exasperated.
"Hold your damn horses, I have to narrow the search. Look at this box on the side," House pointed to a small blue box with several names in it.
"'House MD, Harry Potter, Twilight, Naruto...'" Wilson blinked. "House MD?"
"Yeah," House answered. "In case you haven't noticed, that's what the name on the door says. Check it out." He clicked on 'House MD'.
"12,698 stories," Wilson read, unable to believe his eyes. "There are twelve thousand stories about you?!"
"Not just me. There's one about almost all of us. Cuddy, Thirteen, Chase, Cameron, Kutner... everyone. There's even a few hundred about Foreman and Taub," House explained.
"This doesn't make any sense," Wilson said, scratching his head.
"I know. The category we're in is for TV, so I guess in some alternate dimension, we're a TV show," House said. "All I know is... it's kind of awesome."
Wilson scanned his eyes down the top results.
"Somnolence, of House and Pokeman, A Wilson Christmas..." Wilson smiled at the last one. "Twelve thousand stories about you, and my name is in one of the top three results."
"Yeah, well, look at the side box that says 'characters'," he offered, motioning towards it. "You have 3,747 stories. Second only to moi, who has..." He smirked and gave Wilson a satisfied look. "10,000 stories."
"I have more than Cuddy," Wilson observed.
"Yep. I guess people like the three of us the best, or something."
"Who has the least?" Wilson asked, curiosity spiking. This was actually kind of cool, if House wasn't still just pranking him.
"Taub," House scoffed. "Are we surprised? We don't even give a damn about him and he works with us. Strangers definitely don't care about him. Lucas has more stories than he does, for God's sake." House frowned at Lucas' name. "I don't get why he has any. I've only known him for a year and a half."
"I guess they think he's an important character," Wilson said carefully. "Wait a minute, what's that?" He pointed to the box labeled 'Genre'. "Why are there over 5,000 romance stories? There's no romance in your life!" Wilson proclaimed. House threw him a dirty look.
"Let's find out what these weirdoes wrote about, then." House clicked on 'Romance'.
"Okay, who are the two characters in the top result?" Wilson asked. House squinted.
"G. House and..." he trailed off, jaw hanging open. "No way."
"What?" Wilson asked, leaning forward to examine the results. The second character was... "Oh, you have got to be kidding me."
"I guess our fans have missed the part where I want to have sex with Cuddy," House commented mildly.
"The second result is you two," Wilson pointed out.
"Let's just click me as the main character and see who all is paired with me as a side character," House suggested, clicking on his own name, looking happy to change the screen.
"Sweet. Cuddy's number one. These people must not like Lucas." House fist pumped.
"Cameron's number two. Not really a huge surprise. I still don't understand why you two weren't something more," Wilson stated.
"Might have something to do with the fact that she thinks I'm evil..." House grouched. "Number three..."
House and Wilson both gave each other awkward looks.
"People wrote over a thousand stories about us being gay together," Wilson said, disgust clear on his face. "Do we really act gay enough to give whoever is watching us in that alternate dimension that impression?"
"I guess. Christ, Chase is above Stacy. I actually slept with Stacy. Stacy is a woman. Why aren't there more stories about our hot crazy sex?" House asked, looking bewildered.
"People must think Chase is prettier," Wilson cracked, scanning his eyes down the list. "Well, they matched you with Thirteen, and she's hot. That's good."
"Yeah, but take a look at the next couple people." House scrolled down the second character list. "They stuck me with Foreman. That's just disgusting. At least you and Chase are good looking." He blushed awkwardly as he said that. However, Wilson didn't respond. He was staring at the next person on the list.
"Amber," he read. House shifted in his chair.
"Uh... yeah. If it makes you feel any better, apparently people think I would be gay before I'd sleep with one of your girlfriends," House said in a would-be comforting way. Wilson just shrugged and eyed the next person he recognized. A lot of the names weren't of people he even knew.
"Brennan? He only worked for you for like a month," Wilson wondered aloud.
"I think they took every opportunity to pair me with a man that they could. There's even one of Kutner and I, look." He motioned at the screen. Indeed, there was exactly one story about House and Kutner.
"Emma S..." Wilson read, tilting his head. "That sounds familiar. Isn't she that celebrity photographer you treated a few years ago?" he asked. House nodded.
"Yeah. At least she's a woman. Kate's on here, too. And Lydia," he said, a hint of wistfulness in his voice. "The rest of these..." he trailed off. "Dear God."
"What?" Wilson asked.
"There's some with Rachel and I!" he choked, looking disgusted.
"Wow. Forget gay, some people think you're a pedophile. Nice job." Wilson squinted. "I don't even recognize the rest of the names."
"They're crossovers with other series, I guess," House suggested. "Well, now that we've seen how gay people think I am, let's see how gay people think you are." He axed his own name and clicked on Wilson's instead.
Their eyes immediately darted to the second characters list.
"WHAT THE HELL!" Wilson yelled, looking embarrassed and enraged. House roared with laughter beside him.
"What's wrong? Not enough apple in your appletini, Wilson?" He leaned back in his chair, still laughing. "Over a thousand stories with me... and a tepid..." He quickly added up the other numbers. "Forty five with a woman." He continued to laugh. "You don't even have any with Sam, Amber, Bonnie, anyone!"
"This isn't funny!" Wilson huffed.
"Look, you're even paired with Chase and Foreman in a few."
"You have hundreds with Chase!" Wilson accused.
"I also have thousands with Cuddy and Cameron... who are girls," House drug out the last word. "I am officially way more straight than you."
Wilson crossed his arms. "You have stories with Amber, and I don't," he fumed. "That's ridiculous."
"The whole thing's ridiculous." House said with a slight smile. "It's amusing though."
"Yeah... hilarious..." He rolled his eyes. "See who Cuddy gets in her top results. I'm starting to feel sick looking at mine."
"Aye, aye," House quipped, clicking the x next to Wilson's name and replacing it with Cuddy's. Scanning the results, he grinned cheekily.
"You and I are number one and two... you are a very distant second," he said. "She's got nearly two thousand with me."
"Who else is she paired with?" Wilson asked. House's grin extended.
"Oh, hell yes! Cameron's number three. That's fantastic. Thirteen's up there too, after Chase."
"Well, at least we're not the only ones that people think are gay," Wilson said, relief showing on his face.
"She only has three with Lucas!" House announced in a sing-song voice.
"Come on, do everyone," Wilson said, curious to see more.
"I already did, according to this," House joked. "Yeah, hold on. Let's see Cameron's." He paused, replacing the names. "Oh, what a surprise. I'm number one for her, too!"
"Chase is second, which is kind of a given, they were married..." Wilson paused, examining the other names. "Then she's got about a dozen with me, and then all the rest are with women."
"God, she has forty with Thirteen." House went to click on Thirteen as the second character, but Wilson slapped his hand.
"Quit it! You can masturbate later, I want to see the others." House rolled his eyes.
"You used to be more fun," he mocked. "We already did you... so, Chase's turn." He clicked on Chase's name.
"You're number one... again." Wilson sighed. "Then Cameron's number two, then Cuddy." He stopped, tilting his head. "I'm sorry, but I could never see that. Chase is too immature for Cuddy."
"And I'm not?" House muttered, moving on to the next name. "Thirteen... this'll be interesting." He clicked on her name, waiting eagerly for the results.
"Hey! You're not number one!" Wilson laughed. "Cameron is."
"I think I can forgive them on that account. I love how she only has five stories with Foreman, whom she actually dated, but she's got nearly forty with me, who she has never shown any vague interest in."
"She's got a few with Amber..." Wilson said. "Amber was not gay."
"I don't think these people get the idea of rigid heterosexuality." House said. "She's got some with Kutner... maybe if the poor guy had gotten some tail, he wouldn't have killed himself."
"Who knows?" Wilson said, still distracted. "Hey, she actually has one with Taub. First one so far."
"Poor, poor girl," House said with mock sympathy. "No point in looking up Foreman, he's barely got any with anyone, same goes for Taub."
"People just aren't interested by their characters," Wilson said, shaking his head slightly. "Weird. Foreman's all deep and brooding like you, and you've got thousands of stories."
"Simple explanation there," House mumbled.
"What?"
"I'm better looking."
A/N: The story excerpt is from one of my stories, "Alone". All rights to the titles of the three top House results go to their respective authors... so, what do you guys think? Please review!