Title: Hunger Pains
Author: captainbartholomew
Disclaimer: I don't own anything because I'm a poor broke college graduate, so please don't sue me.
Summary: All he wanted was to satisfy his craving for a soft pretzel with cheese on his day off, but instead his brothers have the brilliant idea to get into trouble. Why does he hang out with them again? Cracky. Oneshot.
Blame/Fault: Everything begins and ends with caylendar when it comes to this one.
*a/n i: Set during the days of The Shield… how I long for those days!
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All Roman Reigns wanted on his day off was to go get a soft pretzel with melted cheese. That was all. He just wanted to taste the soft, salty, warm breading and dunk it continuously in the melty goodness of the yellow dairy liquid. He wanted to savor each bite as if it was a cherished childhood memory, but alas fate had other plans for Roman Reigns on this day.
He was sure the glare he was giving Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose from where they were sitting behind the bars in the make shift jail cell would knock most men dead. He swore he had only left them alone for ten minutes so he could walk to the food court to get his soft pretzel with cheese. They had sworn to him up and down they would stay perched on the bench right outside of the Nike store. Seth, for some reason, had needed another pair of customized Seth Rollins Nike trainer's tennis shoes. Whatever, if Seth wanted customized shoes he could get them, all Roman had wanted was his well-earned pretzel.
Roman's hunger pains increased the more he thought about the the pretzel and how close he had been to it. The warm, salty goodness along with a hot cup of melted cheese had still been in his hands when he had been paged over the loudspeaker to come to the mall's small juvenile holding facility used to hold teenagers who were shoplifting or children who had become separated from their parents. He was starting to become more irritated and angry especially now the bailiff had confiscated Roman's pretzel and cheese saying something along the lines of food not being permitted in the holding area. The stupid man was now munching down on Roman's pretzel as if it were his and not Roman's, while the pro wrestler attempted to keep his cool.
"I will not Super Man punch the Mall Cop, I will not Super Man punch the Mall Cop," Roman muttered to himself over and over again before finally regaining his composure and turning his attention to the small makeshift jail cell in front of him which held his brethren inside.
Roman shook his head while Dean and Seth sat on the kiddie sized bench in the pathetic mock-up of what a real jail cell would look like. Somehow Seth had gotten a hold of a harmonica and was now playing the tune of "I've Seen Better Days" while Dean quietly hummed along in the background.
"Guys, what the hell happened? I left you alone for not even ten minutes," Roman stated while his two little brothers looked up at him from the small makeshift cell.
"It was his entire fault!" the two wrestlers shouted simultaneously while pointing fingers at each other.
"My FAULT!" squawked Seth clearly perturbed someone would think anything was his fault ever. He was the sweet, innocent, little high flyer who could do no wrong, or so everyone thought. "Dean, you were the one who wanted to follow the blonde woman making lovey dovey eyes at you into that store!"
"Ha!" shouted Dean, "You were the one who said and I quote, 'But Dean, I really want her number.' And then you pushed… no wait, dragged me into there!"
"Well you should have known to act like an adult in that store! All those women were staring at us when you picked up the holiday panties from that display with the tinsel!"
"They wouldn't have been staring if you would have known what half the stuff in the store was, Seth! Man, you need to get out more! At least I wasn't the one who kept trying on all the ladies' perfumes and lotions. Then saying sniff me!"
"I was trying them out to see what one my sister would like for Christmas and you know it! I bet that's the same reason you kept holding up and suggesting bra styles to the other women in the store. When did you of all people become a sales consultant?"
"When I earned the title of Titty Master, duh, plus it's not like those women didn't enjoy me helping them figure out what bra size and style was best for them."
Roman listened to the two men continue to squabble inside the small jail cell. He could go buy himself another pretzel and satisfy his craving leaving them there to suffer for all eternity. Allow that would mean leaving Dean and Seth to stew more while they attempted to figure out whose fault it was that they had ended up in mall jail. Roman sighed knowing he was bound by his brotherly duty to take care of this, so his pretzel would have to wait. The Shield and their strict code of loyalty and ethics really screwed him sometimes, especially when all he wanted was his soft pretzel and cheese. Was it too much to ask that he be allowed to eat something so utterly delicious on his day off?!
"Enough!" shouted Roman letting the cravings for his long desired soft pretzel finally get the best of him, "I don't care whose fault it was or what the hell you were doing. I just want my God damn soft pretzel and cheese!
"I'm going to bail you out of mall jail here and you are both going to buy me another pretzel, is that clear?" Roman growled out as his brothers blinked at him in pure shock and awe at his outburst. What could they say; the man really wanted his soft pretzel and cheese?
"I said, is that clear?" Roman repeated in more of growl at them this time.
"Crystal," Seth and Dean cried simultaneously as Roman stormed over to the mall cop who had confiscated his pretzel earlier to begin the paperwork in order to bail them out for disturbing the peace in the store within the mall. The cop then told him none of the women in the store planned on pressing charges since Dean had actually helped them more than the actual staff had.
"Roman's scary when it's his time of the month," Dean stated while cracking a smile as Seth nodded his head yes, "It's like he's pregnant and his craving for soft pretzels and cheese is terrifying."
"Maybe he should have come in Victoria's Secret with us then too. I'm sure he would have felt more confident having a pretty bra and matching underwear. Women like that don't they? Plus don't they have a maternity line?"
"I can hear you both," irked Roman answered in a deathly growl causing both Dean and Seth to jump in fright, "Just so you know you're both idiots and if you find yourselves wrapped in bras head to toe tomorrow morning don't ask me for help getting out of them!"
From that day on Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins swore to never go anywhere near a Victoria's Secret ever again or better yet get in the way of Roman Reigns buying his soft pretzel with cheese.
The End
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*a/n ii: It seems THE MUSE doesn't want to dictate the next chapter of Incognito just yet and has caught a case of Crack. This was his attempt to get it out of his system and I'm hoping it worked, if not I'm going to have to write a fic about Dean and Seth baking brownies. Although, now THE MUSE has an urge to tackle Seth's injury in a hurt/comfort fic oneshot since I promised caylendar if she brought the angst I'd bring the brotherly feels. *facepalm*
Speaking of cayleandar, lovelies would you all be darlings and go read her new fics? I'd suggest you go read Shatter the Dream first (it's an amazing angst ridden emotional take on Seth's injury—miss you Mr. Rollins, things aren't the same without you :'( ) and then read Sardines and Sprinkles (a humorous oneshot filled with lots of brotherly feels, giggles, and senile grandma's in grocery stores).
Reviews are the wrestler of your choice bringing you a soft pretzel and cheese which you should probably share or give to Roman… (Sorry folks, but Seth is off limits until he is all healed up, can't have him walking around on that knee, rehab and rest is important)!