More than a Memory
Jacob during the time before the Wedding invitation, when he wasn't sure if Bella was really choosing that life. Back when he believed her could stop it.
People say she's only in my head
Its gonna take time but I'll forget
They say I need to get on with my life
They don't realize
I can't phase anymore – I've had death threats from my pack. If they see anymore Bella in their minds they will quite happily kill me.
They keep telling me to forget her, that she wasn't good for me, that I need to move on.
Can't they see that she's the only one?
Don't they realize that I love her and only her, and will forver?
It when you're dialling 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving across town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
Just to hear him say it's gonna be alright
When you're finding things to do not fall asleep
Cause you know she will be there in your dreams
That's when she's more that a memory
I know I'm committing cardinal sins, but I have to make sure she's fine – that that leech isn't hurting her again.
I'll just call her… But I can't get past the sixth number.
I know, I'll casually drive by… no, that won't work – she knows the sound of the Rabbit too well.
Stupid tears of frustration sting my eyes as I punch in Embry's number.
"Embry Call speaking,"
"Em?" my voice cracked – dammit.
"Jake?"
I nodded, not realizing that he can't see me.
"Bella?"
I nodded again.
"Hey man, it's gonna be okay. Call her in the morning, or even better, I'm on patrol around her house tonight – I'll call you later tonight on your cell, tell you that she's fine."
"Thanks," I mumbled.
I don't deserve my friends.
Took a match to everything she ever wrote
Watched her words go up in smoke
Tore all her pictures off the wall
That ain't helping me at all
After Embry's phone call – telling me that she was fine, but that the leech ahd taken up sleeping in her room with her – I felt my resolve harden.
I'll burn every trace of her from my life.
Every photo that I had accumulated, I would torch it, every letter, every scrap of physical evidence.
Not that it's helping, but at least it's a start.
I think.
Cause when you're talking out loud but nobody's there
You look like hell and you just don't care
Drinking more than you ever drank
Sinking down lower than you ever sank
When you find yourself falling down upon your knees
Praying to God, begging him 'please'
That's when she's more than a memory
I caught myself doing it again – talking aloud to Bella, but she's not there to listen. Stupid habits. I don't know when it started either, but it's not good. Anyone would think I was crazy.
I looked into the rear-view mirror in the Rabbit, and didn't recognize myself. No wonder Bella was keeping her distance.
Paul, for once, is being descent – the only good thing in this whole mess. He gave me my first real drink – I'm loving the void that alcohol brings. The awareness after it though, is worse then when I've been sober for a while.
The Pack have somehow managed to make sure I don't get shifts nears Bella's house.
I'm grateful.
I'd probably start praying for her soul or something if I ever saw her – or smelt her – with Him
She's more
She's more
What this girl does to me, even after all this time.
Why doesn't she come and see me?
Doesn't she know I love her?
Cause when your her number just to hang up the ohone
Driving across town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
Just to hear him say it's gonna be alright
When you're finding things to do not fall asleep
Cause you know she will be there in your dreams
That's when she's more that a memory
I called her today.
"Hello?" She asked. I chickened out and hung up.
But that was enough for me to go and see her.
With a gift.
I smiled evilly. I wonder how many blood vessels Charlie would burst at the sight of Bella's bike?
I called Embry with my plan. He agreed – he wanted me out of this slump.
I can't sleep anymore though – the one lasting effect of all this.
I know she'll be there, just under my eye lids, taunting me with what-ifs, and if-only's. Sleep isn't worth that.
I phased the first few nights – because I was fighting that leech.
Now, I just don't sleep.
People say she's only in my head
Its gonna take time but I'll forget
Because, to me, I'll never forget her, not ever.
She's is – and always will be – more than a memory.