-How do you get someone you're dating to sleep with you?
-Well, usually when I date someone I've already had sex with them a thousand times- Answered Jeff -Why do you ask? Is there a special lady in your life?
-What? No. I was just asking about you. Well. Bye- replied Troy with a terrified look in his face.
-Oh, come on. I will not make fun of you- said Jeff relaxed- tell me, who are you dating?
-Ok, but you have to promise not to tell anyone- answered Troy raising his hand and sticking out his little finger.
-I promise- said Jeff without even moving the muscles of his face.
-Pinky-Promise- replied Troy defiantly, with an immutable expresion.
-Fine, fine-answered Jeff, wrapping his little finger around Troy's.
-Well... here's the deal. Me and Abed are dating.
-Yes!- exclaimed Jeff -Now, if you excuse me, I have a bet to win.
-Jeff, you promised! Abed wants to keep it a secret. A sort of Brokeback Mountain secret affair.
-Oh my God!- A fake excitement growing in Jeff's voice -you guys are exactly like- You're nothing. Like Brokeback. Mountain- he concluded.
-Come on, Jeff, you have to help me. We've been going out for two months and we've only kissed. What can I do to get to second.. hmm... third base?- Troy was getting a little desperate.
-Ok, ok. So... It's Abed. Has he ever had sex?
-I don't... know. I can't ask him that. Probably not. Oh God- Troy couldn't handle himself anymore.
Jeff did the thing with his hand to shut Troy up. -Ok- he finally said after a pause. -It's Abed. Abed likes roleplay, right?- He stopped for a couple of seconds more -what if you roleplay with him the sex scene from Brokeback Mountain?
-Damn, I'll have to watch that film. But I guess you're right...
Abed was watching a rerun of Cougar Town. As much as he loved Inspector Space Time, he missed Cougar Town. And now it had gone on yet another hiatus.
True, the Season Finale had been pretty indulgent and the beach wedding had been a nice touch, but now he had to-
-Hey, man. I was thinking... we should put up a tent.
-A tent? Shouldn't we go camping for that?
-Yeah, no, it's alright- said Troy trying to keep his cool -Anyway, we've already built pillow and sheet forts. It's clearly the next thing to do. Like, by default or something...
-Ok, sound logical. I'll ask Jeff for his tent tomorrow- answered Abed in his regular robotic voice.
-What? Tomorrow? No.- hurried Troy -I'll go ask him now.
-But you just came back from Greendale.
-I'll ring him, ok! -replied Troy, almost shouting.
-Is there something wrong? -asked Abed in his not very assuring voice.
-No, nothing at all- said Troy, eyes wide open. -Ok, then -grabbing his phone and dialing.
-Hey, Jeff. It's Troy. Yeah. Can you bring us your tent?- Troy listened for a couple of seconds -Come on, you know I need it... Pleeeaseee? Yeah? Thanks, man.
-You need it? What do you need it for?- asked Abed, puzzled.
-Ha? No. I don't. I was just trying to convince him.- replied Troy, uncertain of the credibility of his words (not that he knew what uncertain or credibility meant).
-But isn't it weird?- asked Abed -Jeff wouldn't normally drive over to bring something like that.
-Maybe he's feeling extra-nice today, ok?- replied Troy in his best fake angry tone.
-Hey, man, thanks for helping us put up the tent. Ugh, look at the time!- said Troy, looking at his naked wrist -You should really get going. You don't want to catch a cold or something.
-Yeah, yeah, you're welcome. And please don't let me know if you need anything else.-said Jeff, not all that amused.
-Yeah, we will.
Troy had basically closed the door on Jeff's face.
-So, we should really go to sleep.- said Troy, anxhious.
-But there are a ton of things to do in a camping trip.-replied Abed, puzzled once again.
-Well... that's ah.. that's all done on the second night of camping. Everyone knows that. - said Troy trying to dissimulate his nervousness. -But you get in the tent first. And then you call me in.
-Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
Troy sighted with relief. Things were looking better.
Inmediately after Abed entered the tent, he called Troy in.
-You have to lie down for it to work.
-Done. Come in.
Troy went inside. He lied down awkwardly trying to spoon Abed. Abed said nothing. They were together after all, right? They had actually kissed. Several times. Like ten or something. And that was a lot for Abed.
They lied there for a while but Abed did not perform according to the scene. Troy had not thought of that. Don't freak out he said to himself. I'll just...
Troy placed his hand on Abed's crotch.
-What are you doing? -asked Abed.
-Nothing I... My hand has life of its own! -answered Troy in a failed attempt to save the situation.
-You've been weird lately. And friends don't lie to their friends.
-Fine, ok -said Troy, giving up- I was trying to recreate the sex scene from Brokeback Mountain.
-Why? It's not even the best part of the film- replied Abed, sort of taken aback.
-Because I want to have sex with you, ok!- Troy finally let slip. -But forget about it, it's obvious you don't want to. -Troy finished, desappointed.
-But I do- surprisingly replied Abed -I've been expecting to have intercourse with you ever since we started dating. I was just giving you time to "adjust".
-Adjust what?- asked Troy, truly ignoring the meaning of Abed's words.
-Adjust to men- answered Abed -You were straight before we started dating. You're used to having sex with women.
-Yeah, but it's you. I don't need to adjust to you.- Troy said with a smile in his face. -So... you want it, too?
-I do.
-Should we keep roleplaying Brokeback Mountain?
-That scene is too rough. I don't like it. And then again, what's the point of having our first time together if we are not us?
-Yeah, you're right... You're always right.- said Troy and kissed Abed tenderly.
Troy and Abed arrived to the Study Room.
-Hey guys.
-Hi, Abed. Troy.
-Jeff... thank you, it worked- whispered Troy.
Suddenly the whole group kept quiet. And smiled. But Pierce. Pierce didn't know what was happening.
-Congratulations, guys -let slip Britta. At that point, Jeff was totally regretting telling them all about the previous night. Of course they wouldn't shut up. They were them.
-Jeff, I told you not to tell anyone. You pinky-sweared!
-It's ok- said Abed before Jeff could defend himself -It doesn't have to remain a secret. Brokeback Mountain wasn't working anyway.- he concluded, and Troy could have sworn that there actually was a little reassurance in Abed's voice.
-What? What are you talking about?- asked Pierce- What secret? That you two are GAY? Hahaha. Wait... What?