Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.
Race for Your Life, Rocky and Bullwinkle or Clueless Campers
Narrator: In Pottsylvania, no-goodniks Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale receive a letter from their boss, Fearless Leader. The purpose of this letter is to inform them about a top-secret meeting.
Natasha: Boris dollink, we have a letter from Fearless Leader!
Boris: It says that we are supposed to be at a top-secret meeting.
Narrator: I already said that, you idiots! Didn't you listen to a word of my expository narration? Honestly, sometimes I get the feeling that nobody listens to my commentary, and…
Boris and Natasha stare at the narrator, and then they ignore his ranting. He eventually stops ranting and continues.
Narrator: The no-goodniks set off to look for the elusive, well-hidden location for the conference.
Boris: This is impossible! We have been searching for hours, but we still can't find out where we are supposed to be!
Natasha: Maybe he wants us to meet him there?
She points out a building surrounded by large, neon signs with the words, "Central Control, Fearless Leader's hideout" written on them.
Narrator: Fearless Leader is impatiently waiting for his henchmen to arrive at Central Control. He sees them enter his office, and is eager to start the conference.
Fearless Leader: Where have you dummkopfs been?
Boris: Sorry, boss, but we could not find your elusive, well-hidden hideout.
Fearless Leader: Bwahahaha! That's a good one! I assembled neon signs all over the entrance. No one could possibly be confused and not know where to find it! Surely you must be joking.
Natasha looks at Boris, who awkwardly fidgets and does not answer.
Fearless Leader: …You were joking, right?
Natasha: No dollink, Boris really couldn't find Central Control. I had to point out the signs for him.
He gawks at them with disbelief.
Fearless Leader: …Anyway, I have a very important assignment for you two. Your mission is to capture Moose and Squirrel.
Natasha: Again?
Fearless Leader: Natasha, you are starting to sound like Squirrel!
Natasha: Sorry, boss, it's just that all of our missions seem to involve us trying to capture Moose and Squirrel.
Boris: And our traps never work!
Fearless Leader: Yes, but you didn't have a particular trap that I have just discovered. With this contraption, you are guaranteed to catch Moose and Squirrel!
Natasha: That's wonderful, dollink!
Boris: You are the greatest leader ever! Where is your invention?
Fearless Leader: It is in the secret laboratory. Follow me, mach schnell!
He walks to a metal door next to a button with the words, "secret laboratory" on it. He presses the button, and the door opens.
Narrator: And so, the no-goodniks follow their boss into the "secret" laboratory, where the despicable device is located.
Fearless Leader: This is my invention that will get Moose and Squirrel once and for all!
Natasha: The trap looks like a hole in the floor.
Fearless Leader: Yes, but it will be covered with grass and sticks for camouflage. We put bait over it, and when they try to get the bait, they fall in the hole and cannot get out! Bwahahaha! I impress myself with my ingenuity.
Natasha: Are you sure that you invented this trap? I think I have seen it before.
Boris: And it should have a bomb in it, or lots of explosives!
Fearless Leader: Are you questioning the brilliance of me, your Fearless Leader? Of course I invented it, and it will work perfectly without bombs or explosives. Besides, the scientists are on vacation and the secret lab is way under budget. Now, go kill Moose and Squirrel, or you are both fired!
Boris and Natasha: Yes, sir!
Narrator: In Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, our heroes Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose are getting ready for a camping trip.
Bullwinkle: Oh boy Rocky, we're going on a camping trip!
Narrator: I already said that! Why doesn't anyone listen to my narration, why?
Rocky: I like your commentary.
Narrator: Really? Oh thank you, Rocky! Finally, I'm appreciated!
Rocky: Do we have the supplies that we need to go camping, Bullwinkle?
Bullwinkle: Sure! I put everything in this little bag.
He shows Rocky a huge bag that is almost as high as the ceiling.
Rocky: Um, okay, I guess we have everything.
Just before they leave, Bullwinkle nails a piece of paper to the front door.
Bullwinkle: If anyone needs our help, they'll know we're going to Frostbite Falls National Park.
Narrator: As Rocky and Bullwinkle drive to Frostbite Falls National Park, Rocky becomes worried.
Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you think it's safe to leave a note on the front door? What if Boris and Natasha try to follow us?
Bullwinkle: Don't worry, Rocky. They wouldn't be trying to follow us as we speak.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Boris and Natasha travel to Frostbite Falls so they can test Fearless Leader's "invention".
Natasha: Boris, do you know where Moose and Squirrel's house is?
Boris: Nyet, but we can ask that guy.
They talk to a man in a Navy uniform.
Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz: Hi, I'm Captain Peachfuzz!
Boris: I know you, you are that inept sailor who helps Moose and Squirrel! Do you know where they live?
Peachfuzz: Sure! A moose lives in the woods, and a squirrel lives in a tree.
Natasha: We are looking for a specific moose and squirrel. Their names are Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Peachfuzz: Oh, I think I've heard of them before!
Boris: You should, you were in eight of their adventures, you moron!
Peachfuzz: I'm not sure, but I think they live in a house on North Street. To find it, you have to go, uh, north, I think.
Boris: Finally, an answer! Let's ditch this idiot and get those goodniks!
Peachfuzz: Bye, if you need more expert navigation advice, just ask me.
Narrator: Our intrepid travellers continue to drive down a deserted road to their destination. Suddenly, their car breaks down!
Rocky: Hokey Smoke! How are we going to get to the park now?
Bullwinkle: I'll use my automotive skills to fix the car.
Rocky: But you're not a mechanic.
Bullwinkle: No, but I'm Mr. Know-It-All! Don't you remember when I would give advice about stuff?
Rocky: Yeah, but every time you tried something, it would go disastrously wrong. Why would this be any different?
Bullwinkle: Well, there's a first time for everything.
Narrator: He gets out of the car and… climbs a tree. Wait a minute, what? Bullwinkle, you don't know how to climb trees! And how does climbing a tree relate to fixing your car?
Bullwinkle: If I can see the car from a bird's eye-view, then I can see why it stopped.
Narrator: He continues to climb the tree, and sits on a very long, thin branch. The branch bends and snaps, and the moose falls on top of their car!
Rocky: Bullwinkle, are you all right? Did that hurt?
Bullwinkle: Yeah, but that would probably hurt more.
Narrator: Rocky looks at the tree, and much to his dismay, it is about to fall on them! Will our heroes be able to survive and escape being crushed by a giant tree? Stay tuned for, "A Hard Wood's Gonna Fall" or "What are you Waiting Fir?" for the crashing conclusion.