Something About You
Where We Begin
I'm surprised to find her sitting on the front steps to the Annex as I was finally leaving for the night, but I really shouldn't be. She's never been one to shy away from a problem when it comes to our tumultuous relationship. I also know today had been just as hard for her as it had been for me, and she's probably carrying around a whole lot of guilt that she shouldn't be. I want to reassure her, but I'm not sure she'd believe anything I tell her right now. Especially after blowing her off when she invited me to drinks earlier.
Watching her sitting there on the steps staring off into the horizon I wonder what's going through that brilliant mind of hers. I can almost imagine some of the scenarios running through her head, and know none of them are close to the truth. Her copper hair falling in layers of soft curls drifting in a light caress across her back with the slight breeze has me thinking things I know I shouldn't let myself think. I smile as I think them anyway. I'm reminded of another recent night when I couldn't stop similar thoughts.
She is rarely so still, and to see her like this is more than a little disconcerting. The two of us have been through so much together in the short amount of time we've known each other, and we can never seem to find ourselves standing on common ground. I know that's mostly my fault, that there's always something standing in the path keeping us together, and yet just out of each other's reach at the same time.
"Hey, I thought you went out for a drink with Jones?" I questioned, sitting down on the steps next to her. I find myself wanting to get closer to her, but am not sure where the two of us stand right now, so I make sure to leave a little room between us.
"I did, but I wanted to make sure you were okay after today. I know I messed everything up again," she stated matter-of-factly, like she's already decided to shoulder all of the blame for the catastrophe today was. She looks up at me with the pain of today's events in her eyes and I don't know how to rid her of it.
"Cassie, don't do that, don't blame yourself for something that was doomed to fail from the start. Even Tesla couldn't make that capacitor work. You saved thousands of lives today, not to mention Colonel Baird. Sure it would have been nice if we could have saved the lost souls of Collins Falls too, but I'm not sure we were ever meant to."
"And yet, you went to Paris for her anyway?" It wasn't really a question. I probably didn't need to say the words, because somehow she already knew the answer. She deserved the words though; there had been too many moments where the words had been kept hidden already.
"Yeah, I did. How did you know where I went?" I don't know why I asked, because if I was honest with myself I knew the answer just as much as she's known the answer to her question. She knows me better than anyone I've ever met, and she sees what I still try to keep hidden beneath the surface.
"I pay attention. With the two of you constantly speaking French and all her postcards it was the logical conclusion to make." She sounds heartbroken, and I'm afraid I know why, but am not ready to broach that particular subject with her just yet. She'll likely bring it up before I ever do anyway.
I find all I can do is nod in response. This conversation isn't going exactly the way I expected, but then nothing with Cassandra is ever what I expect it to be. She is…well I can't even try to explain her. She's like no one I've ever met before and I've come to appreciate that she's different; the perfect kind of different. I never knew that a woman could be both the hurricane that completely turns your life upside-down as well as the sunshine and rainbows that comes after and makes it all right side up again.
"I know you said it wasn't my fault, but I still feel like I'm the reason you lost her. I didn't see the mistake until it was too late, and I hate that. I feel like when it comes to you I'm always hurting you in some way." The pain that's in her voice has nothing to do with actually losing Mabel, and everything to do with me and her knowledge of the man I've made myself into, knowing the way I feel about my own failures and how they'll ultimately influence who I'm still shaping myself into.
"Cassie, while I'm not happy with the circumstances of today, I'm not as upset as you seem to think I am. As much as I liked Mabel nothing was ever going to come of it. The minute she was free of Collins Falls she would have been off chasin' her dreams. I'm already livin' mine." I don't know if this is what she expects to hear, but I know it's what I need her to know and understand. I found what I was looking for when Flynn invited us to the Library.
"You're trying to tell me you would rather spend your days with me and Jones chasing down crazy who-knows-what instead of traveling the world with beautiful Mabel? I'm not sure I believe you." I can hear the hint of sarcasm lurking in her voice, but I also hear the strain she's trying to keep at bay.
"I'll admit it might be nice to travel the world to just enjoy it instead of constantly chasin' down some artifact or savin' the world from wild magic, but Mabel and I were too alike for the happiness to have ever lasted. I think both of us knew it even if we didn't want to say it out loud. It was nice to believe there could be something there just because we understood each other. Does that make sense?"
"I guess so."
"Besides nothing could ever compare to what we do day in and day out. I could never leave this, I love it, and I know I'd miss you too much. I'd probably even miss Jones, but let's not tell him that." I bump her knee with my own in hopes of making her smile. I'm rewarded with not only a smile, but a giggle as well.
"Could be quite the disastrous situation if Ezekiel knows you'd miss him if you were no longer here," she related between giggles.
"See there, that smile, I would miss not getting the chance to see it every day. And I really would have hated it if I had missed Christmas when you found out that Santa was real, because that smile was amazingly beautiful. Plus, you're awful cute when you're jealous too, don't think I didn't notice all those evil looks you were shooting Mabel," I admitted with a smile of my own. What do you know, I broached the subject first.
"Now you're just being mean," she complained on another giggle.
"But I really appreciate that you were there for me trying to help do right by those people. It meant a lot to me that you were trying to help for more than just Colonel Baird," I admitted before she could latch herself on to the topic of jealousy I'd inadvertently brought up.
"I'll always be there Jake, I promise. Whatever it takes," she assured, a sad smile upon her lips, knowing it was a promise she really couldn't make. Knowing this made all the emotions she brought out in me all that much harder to handle. It doesn't seem to matter what I do to keep those feelings locked up tight, they always seem to bubble to the surface. I know eventually we're going to have to have a conversation about her mortality and what it means for our relationship, but I know I won't be able to handle that tonight, especially after what happened today.
"I know you will be," I whispered, putting my arm around her, pulling her close and resting my head on hers. Maybe if we both believe the lie enough it'll never come to pass.